I like this alot. It showed me alot about who you are! It gave me a mental picture of you loving life. And alos having a small smile while you are taking out the trash.
The only thing that i would change is the last line-
"Love my life today"- I got to this line and kinda stumblerd.
I would change it to-
I realy liked this. I liked how emotional you made this feel. It was a very good poem!
It ask alot of great questions! That realy convicted me!
This poem i think told a greeat story. Also the procces in wich lies are formed and how devious they are.
I do have a few suggestions though. My first one is that there are some lines that i would change to were its alittle more flowy.
For example-
"But than they get more intricate, complicated..." I read this part and it was hard for me to comprehend.
The "Than" made me stumble. I would take that out. and i dont know if there are anymore but thats what I would do.
It is your poem so you can take my suggestion or not!
The only thing i would change was there was instances where i stumbled on a few words for example-
"And if you told him what was right
he'd just get mad at you"
I would take out the " just" and maybe you could rearange "get mad' put a little more datil for example-
"And if you told him what was right
his anger would engulf you"
or
"And if you told him what was right
he'd just beacome furious with you"
But whatever you think its your poem just some advise! :)
WOW.....Im simply amazed. That was AMAZING. I loved the great detail! it was realy great. The imagery was also realy good. The dialoge was very clear also. Something that it is hard to acomplish in screen writing. I love the imense emotion in it too. So over all very good!
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