Another excellent short story! If I were you, I wouldn't worry so much about the novel, as I think you have these down to a fine art! Perhaps you could put together a compilation of your favourites for publishing?
I love the bittersweet ending to this and, I promise the only reason I rated this 4 was because I sussed out what was going on immediately (not like me. On the way to see 'The Sixth Sense,' someone stupidly told me Bruce Willis' character was dead all the way through, yet it STILL came as a surprise at the end of the film...)
I've just read this story and wanted to tell you how much I liked it! I'm so impressed with all these flash fiction stories I've been reading, I admire anyone who can grip the reader in so few words!
I really love the idea of this; it reminds me a lot of a film I saw when I was little ('Flatliners', I think it was called). Both this story and the film creeped me out. Job well done!
Excellent ending, by the way! I see you have oodles of short creations in your portfolio and I am really looking forward to reading some more!
What a creepy story - your description skills are very good.
This is a very good piece in general and I love the twist at the end. Just when you think your protagonist is safe...! I love stories that end on a real cliffhanger like this. You manage to tell the reader exactly what has happened, without giving away the fact that it's in the past.
I would say that you could maybe go back through this and lengthen, or merge, some of your sentences. I know that short sentences are ideal when you want to convey confusion or fast-paced movement, but I don't think this would lose anything were you to extend maybe 25% of them. I'd also like to see you taking a look at where one paragraph begins and another ends, particularly when it comes to dialogue.
It starts off strongly and is brought to a satisfactory, happy conclusion, which I do like. My only criticism would be that it does feel ever so slightly rushed towards the end and I'd like to see a little more suspense as the protagonist approaches the mysterious house and a little less '...' throughout, where a simple comma or full-stop would suffice. Also, be careful about the 'shinning' sun haha. Just a typo, nothing to worry about! (Sorry, I'm a teacher. Teacher = picky pain in the neck)
Really unique story, though, I enjoyed reading it!
Thank you for sharing such a personal piece of writing. I was moved by what you have had to go through, some of which I can relate to all too well, and inspired by your determination to keep on fighting! Have you considered making this a longer piece in journal form? I think that would work well.
Never ever give up on your dreams, no matter what life throws at you.
:) The letter we'd all like to write to our ex, I'm sure!
I don't 'get' the part about people paying thousands to see her smile and shine in the sun, though, I'm afraid. I've either missed something or it may be better to change the wording?
Whoa, freaky! I can absolutely imagine this being turned into a film.
Your description is fantastic and I was able to imagine the setting in good detail, as well as the scene of horror. So thanks, I won't sleep tonight ;)
4th paragraph just needs to see 'realize' changed to 'realized' by the way.
Really good piece that reminds me a lot of one scene in 'It,' that scared me silly years ago!
Just a little note to say I really enjoyed reading your story! I'm sure the 'what ifs' are something almost all of us have experienced and can relate to, which for any story is always a winner.
I had to give you an almost-perfect score for this. It's so far 'up my street' and so well written that it would be bad of me not to.
Fantastic beginning: you hook the reader immediately and lure them in to keep reading, and your use of dark humour is brilliant. Very current, it reminds me a lot of the humour in the likes of the 'True Blood' television series (I haven't read the books, I'm ashamed to say) and the way Dria seems to be more concerned about the state of her rug, than the fact there has been a murder is really funny. You don't go over the top with it, either, which I love. It speaks for itself.
My only criticism (and it's not really a criticism, more of a question) would be the use of the word 'rug' in one sentence, then 'carpet' in the next. Now, I'm probably picking up on nothing, but where I'm from (Scotland), these are two entirely different things. I'm sorry to even mention this because maybe where you're from they can be used interchangeably.
My only other gripe is with:
'“My first guess would be a human. Most vamps wouldn’t waste this much blood. Even though a newly turned fledgling only needs a quart a day, a vampire can drain a body if they want to.”'
It feels more like a way of providing the reader with information than natural speech. I'd just condense it slightly and leave out the part about fledglings for the time being.
Overall, this is completely brilliant and I'm so glad I found it! Genius, by the way, setting the vampire holiday playground in Alaska. Love it! I can't wait to read the rest. Thanks so much for posting this on here :)
Megan xxxxx
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