Hi...This is like a riddle. I have three ideas. a new way to carry out the death penalty, a ditty on legalized guns, or man versus machine. it was fun to read. I hope you win, or won, I hope you tell me if I got it at all...Lynne
Hello, I am a reader more than a writer. I loved this poem. It makes me wonder how you wrote it. Did you make it up, I wonder? Or is it based on your life. Why does it ring so true as I read it. And not only true for you, true for me. Is there some universal truth here you are speaking. Oh it's late. I'm tired. Maybe I'd have more to say in the morning. Your writing is very good. I got it. Lynne
This humoruous work was so well written. I didn't loose interest or get distracted once. It is also a theme I am sure all humans are familiar with. It reminds me of the last decade and a half of my life. I loved how the character never "looses it" and goes with the flow. I was waiting for his reward, but he doesn't find a bag of cash in the new place, no! Instead, the cycle appears to begin anew. Fred's character is so well set that I felt sure would figure his way out of the cycle sooner or later without turning into a monster or cynic, but by telling himself, "STOP!" That felt good and I really liked him for that quality that I felt I could infer. This guy doesn't have a mean bone in his body! Technically the writing was good. I liked the short paragraphs. You gave enough descriptions and yet not to much enabling me to "see" in my minds eye the Apartment complex, the apartment and how it went from order (he intended order) to the chaos that followed as he gave fuel to the second law of thermodynamics.
It is a fun and clever story, very human, good characters and a fun ending that somehow hint at his doom.
Hello! I'm here by random read...I don't read much poetry here, but you had me on the first verse. Heartfelt, beautiful words, so concise...succinct ...so deep in image. I think you should write a sequel... I hope many, many more people get the chance to read this. Smile!
My thoughts as I read this..... no, I will give you my thoughts at the end. The first part could have been dreamier. (more dreamy) because in retrospect I understood the sense of the poem. But there was no hint of this being surreal at the beginning, so it seemed a little corny. I am no expert here. just my honest reaction. The thoughts and ideas are way cool...but how to get me into the mood at the very beginning.
These are my thoughts in real time as I read your piece....better write them quick...before they go...
the steps...half of one sentence and another full one. I see it, saw this kind of paint....draws to mind Madeira where layers of leftover pain form absolute art. Could you get the image in the sentence? Is splotches the right word....looked it up ...yes it is splotched sounds better to me.
Enchanted by the sight.....I don't know why you are for for a sentence and a half. Is enchanted the right word. how about spell bound or transfixed....
I play the flute...and cheeks don't puff out. the effort is actually in the lungs to send breath evenly to the instrument, the mouth and cheeks are tightened. A controlled release from the chest focusing the flow to split the air on the upper edge of the flute opening. To blow into a flute with all you might will result in a less true or clear sound, perhaps playing two notes at once and will sound breathy not clear. ....it is not like a trumpet.
Having said that, I love the image. What were the feelings, enraptured tells you had them, skip enraptured and go to to words that describe why you were transfixed.
Still I get the idea and reading this added to my life. I don't no nothing....
I feel as though I picked up a fat book, a saga, and read one page...and reading that page made me want to buy or steal the book and read it from the beginning. Ths dialogue is awesome. Each sentence intrigued me to continue, knowing nothing. I wondered of course...WHO IS NARA. (A flying monkey from Wizard of Oz I thought. I like the "in the bodiless sort of way that spirits did" seems better to change "did" to "as bodiless spirits do" or "in themanner of a bodi;ess s[orots//// but what do I know....haven't written anything yet....ur good at this!!!
You had me engaged from the first sentence! This is my second read. This is my first "review" ..just a little feedback actually. You got the dialogue down... I thought it was a serious..."should we reveal all secrets" piece...loved it turned out light
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