Your right it does need a bit more work, It is a cool concept if you get the content right and powerful means to hold the light and make sure it does not falter. The semi colon is to over used in the poem and makes the poem look to borken up. If you want to use it, try the last 2 lines as follows.
"Nor will we let the darkness blot out our light;
We will rise, and stop the night's invasion"
Also maybe try and work on how it flows, the transition of light to dark will give u something to play with in this poem. You can talk about life and death. Things in nature, the struggle with good and evil, the possiblities are endless, which i think u need to rewrite this, and use all the angles you can with it, do the light some justice. Over all in in the works to become better
To be honest i like the second poem a little bit better than the first one. Because the frist one is well wanting a doomed love, and the second one is wanting a love that has not started yet. But we what write what reflecting in our hearts i guess. Some times the best way to sway him, is not to wispher, but to yell to him, about what your feel. If he does not follow, you will know if he will play for you.
For all of your poetry you have this aa bb cc dd ee, or aba cdc efe, ryhme. For me its simple flow make me focuse on how it ryhmes and not on the content of the poem. All of them are good, i would like to see a more complex ryhme. not ending just in the last line. Something with tunge twisting power, if you are going to write something that flows. Make it a river. lol. Over all its a perfect poem, flows good, good structure, but its perfect. What stands out in its consistancy. What are you trying to say, but you like to write perfect poems that flow to smoothly. With gentle rides we forget how rough life can be. I would like to see you write one poems just with the meaning of the words, not no ryhmes, no real struture. If you want to. Like i said, its perfect, what what good is perfect.
Interesting, if i might address both the poem and the person in the poem. The poem is worded perfectly, and the struture is firm. It stand as a good poem. For the reason, its clear. Love the inspiration of many poets is gone. With out inspiration, a poet and no meaning no means to express and create. When you find love again, you will write. its all good
Its kinda short, bu that does not take away from the point, for me it needed more emotion and insight in the relationship, more that how he gets your high. With joking aside its a good poem, good work.
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