Hello Coffeebean,
After reading "Trophy Hunter"  , I offer you these comments:
My first impression is awesome. You have written one hell of a good story. It is very well written and thoroughly entertaining. I enjoyed it immensely. It reminded me of one of those classic Master of Horrors episodes. I can totally see this being on tv.
There is something I want to comment on right off the bat that strikes me as odd because of how much I like it. Your opening paragraph where you describe barreling down the County Road. I absolutely love that! I think it is because I have experienced midnight rides like this myself several times (albeit not with a body in the back) but everything else. I can picture it so clearly and it actually makes me nostalgic. Not to mention it is just a beautiful example of descriptive narrative. I knew immediately after reading that opening paragraph the rest of the story was going to be good. No need to rely on gimmicks to hook the reader just good writing.
Okay, here is something I am confused about. Near the beginning you explain how Lester doesn't want the voices and tries to ignore them because they make him do bad things. But later when he goes to the psychiatrist and she gives him pills the voices go away, so, why doesn't he want to take the pills? This is a little confusing for me. Maybe if you showed him struggling to ignore the voices more while they try to persuade him to listen. They might even talk him into not taking the pills. Maybe that is what you are implying and I just missed it. Highly possible.
I'm not sure if you were working under a word count restriction or if you were just trying to keep the length down but something else I would have liked to seen elaborated on is the abuse Lester suffered. I would imagine it takes a lot of trauma to make a child commit parricide but the only real incident described is the zealous hand-washing in the horse tank on Christmas. What did his father do to him?
For that matter a reenactment of those killings would be pretty darn cool too. Why was Dad hung and mom beheaded? Was that just an opportunity issue? What was the final straw that broke the camel's back? Why does he only decapitate women? Did he kill his Dad because his father didn't protect him from his mother? Apparently, I have a lot of questions about the relationship with his parents.
Your dialog is outstanding and I absolutely love some of your colloquialisms:
“Lester doesn’t have the brains to pour piss out of a boot.” and
“Looks like you're stuck tighter than a flea on a dog’s back,”
There is one spot though where the dialog sounds a bit off and I'm thinking maybe it is intentional.
Here:
“Transmission’s shot, too,” Charlotte said as she motioned with a wave of a hand. “I blew it up trying to get myself out of this mess.”
“You’ll be needin’ a ride then…or did you call for help?” Lester asked.
“I tried calling. Phone's not working,” She answered.
“Yeah, they don’t work out here half the time, not here in the hills. I could give you a ride to my place; it’s just about a mile on down the road. You can call from there.”
They rode the mile in silence.
It seems to me that Charlotte would be more upset about blowing her transmission and at least somewhat reluctant to go to Lester's house. Maybe I am just nitpicking OR given the true nature of both of them perhaps the transmission situation is just a ruse. Either way it works. It just stood out for me.
I want to comment on the part when Lester reveals his trophies to Charlotte and he remembers the co-ed who started singing Amazing Grace. I think mentioning that no one has ever reacted like Charlotte before and maybe even giving examples of how other victims reacted is a great idea, BUT when you actually insert the verse of the song it really slows down the momentum and distracts from the big moment, in my opinion.
One comment on mechanics, some people (not me) would chastise you on switching povs and putting us in Charlotte's head with the last line. I know because I have done the exact same thing and they really gave me hell for it. Personally, I think it's fine but if you want some suggestions on alternate endings.
How about when Charlotte says, '...but I like my own more,' she pulls a necklace made of ears out of her purse. Maybe instead of the voices commanding, 'Cut off his ears, Charlotte,' she just says, "Damn voices," like Lester did earlier implying they both suffer from the same condition. It's just a thought. I kinda like the pov change.
Well that brings us to the end. I have nothing but good things to say, Bob. I really liked this piece. I think it is incredibly well written. You have an excellent writing style. It is very clear, concise and easy to follow. You give beautifully detailed descriptions but no more than necessary to set the scene. Your dialog is colorful and natural sounding. My only complaint is that I would have liked to read even more. As I mentioned I want to know even more background info on Lester. He is a great character not to mention you totally leave the reader with a ton of questions about Charlotte. Is there a sequel somewhere? If not there should be.
Anyway, great story. I thought you wrote good scifi now I think you write even better horror. I'm glad you picked this story for your review. I look forward to discussing it more with you in the chat today.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "