I did a random review and found myself looking at a foreign (literally and figuratively) form poem called a Ghazal. To understand, I read your description of a Ghazal and . . . it's complex. So I can't say I understand how to write one or review one, but I like this Ghazal and the line "for those having fluffy heads, I have flair" made me laugh out loud.
This is a beautiful little poem. I like how you left it open that the one who saved you isn't necessarily a romantic partner. It could be a friend, a family member, a pet, a poet, a song, or a kind stranger.
You are a WONDERFUL writer. Quality sci-fi. I can visualize everything. I really appreciate the lingo and vocabulary of your world. And for some reason, my mind read "Mechanical unconcern" as "Mechanical unicorn."
Lara? I love her name as well as her being a badass bounty hunter with a callsign. I want a callsign. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed your story and can't wait to read more. Honestly, this is publication ready.
Adorable . . . I LOVE cats. I really liked the twist at the end. It was unexpected. I would read more of Jane and Fluffy's trolling of Ted. And man, I really want a sandwich right now.
Hello I really like your poem about an ordinary item, envelopes. And it is really sad that mail is rare! I used to love writing letters to friends and family members, putting stickers on the envelope, and going to the post office to buy a variety of stamps. And forget getting a Birthday card now a days.
This poem is so gorgeous. I can feel your heartache and guilt through your words. I can also feel your determination to be the best mom you can be and I believe in you 100 percent.
Saw this while doing a search for "speculative fiction" on Yahoo. Yes, you appeared on Yahoo! I like your article because it answered my question "what is speculative fiction?"
Your enthusiasm really shines through in your article. And it is a shame Terra Nova got cancelled. It was one of my favorite shows. I like your dig at Stephenie Meyer. There is no way The Host would have ever been published if teen girls had not made Twilight a smash.
The only thing I would change is the last phrase: " and many works of juvenile or youth fiction." I would just remove that. It doesn't really tell the reader anything new.
I saw this piece on the Recent Review Requests on the Hub. The title and short description made me want to check it out. We all know hospitals are not fun places to be lost, and I also like horror movies that take place in hospitals. I like the character of Jared's reflection and how he and Jared trade a lot of snarky dialogue. I do sympathize with Jared as he is totally lost. I like the description of the sunburn on Mandy's nose. I like how he has a close relationship with his little sister.
I can tell you worked very hard on your story. This chapter did not hold my attention as much as it could have, because too many details bogged the story down and it really did not progress. Basically, the whole chapter has Jared asking for help too many times, even though it is clear they can't hear him. Also, too many references to him almost throwing up, stumbling, tripping, arms windmilling, feeling dizzy. I got the point in the first few sentences.
Based on this chapter alone, I would not want to read the next chapter. I think this story would be improved if you cut out many extra details, and repetitive phrases, and get to the point where he is out of his body a lot quicker. I would be happy to re-rate when you revise.
I came across this piece in "Recent Review Requests" on The Hub. The title really caught my attention and made me want to read it. I like sci-fi, and the title has a certain romance that would appeal to a female reader of sci-fi. I have to say I absolutely loved the story. I love the characters, the setting, the fantastic imagery, the science behind the fiction. I could see, taste, smell everything that was occurring in the habitat. Great job using all the reader's senses. I was right there in the story, because of your fine writing.
There are no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. But the cliffhanger ending is killing me. Will you continue? Please?
It amazes me you can pick a different topic for every entry, and discuss that topic from top to bottom. It's just like reading a newspaper column from your favorite columnist. As you can see, I have commented on several entries, and will continue to do so. Your entries vary widely and each one contains food for thought.
Saw this on the home page as a recent review request. It caught my attention right away, as Knights Templar are exciting subject matter. The scene that unfolds is horrifying and dramatic, and makes me want to read more.
You have obviously done your research on ancient Paris and the Catholic Church. However, there were many times that I was not sure if I am reading a story or a guidebook. You have fallen victim to over-peppering with historical details. Who cares what saint is in which portal, or what year Notre Dame was started and finished? You have two men being burned alive!
You last line of the story is lovely, with the people praying and the extinguish metaphor.
Just tighten up the story so the tension builds ....
Oh, and wait to introduce details like names, age, location until the action scene is over. Just say a young woman and young man rush to help.
Keep writing and I can't wait to read more of this novel!
Congrats on your Writer's Cramp co-win! This story was so funny, I Iaughed out loud while reading it. I of course thought it was going to be about who is the best BAYSITTER. I only have one suggestion, and that is to have Vernon say more than just his introduction. Have him verbally spar with Brandi. That would fit the host wiping his brow and saying "Please, please, it's only a game." Brandi gets too much attention.
I saw this on the Recent Review Requests on the site home page. First, I will say congratulations on having a complete novel finished. It is a huge undertaking. I like the relationship between Tagan and Dave. They seem to have a friendship that is understated, but real. You have no spelling or grammar error that I can see.
Suggestions:
1. I am going to come right out and say this is too close to Good Will Hunting. You know, the movie starring Matt Damon as genius-IQ janitor who is mentored by a math professor.
2. The description of Tagan at the end, describing him as a tall, handsome man with neat hair caught me off guard. They way he "blabbers," and loves a secondhand suit jacket, made me picture Tagan as being an old man with missing teeth and definitely not having a full head of hair.
3. Dave is not that interesting, besides him being kind to Tagan. Based on what you have here, it is not enough to make me want to read more. I suggest hinting at some conflict or tragedy in the first paragraph to set the stage and pique the reader's interest.
4. Last, in your review request, you only say you have ten pages of your novel. You need to say what it is about, give it a working title, and pick some genres for it.
Came across this on the review requests on the Hub. Engaging read, for sure. Your opening to the story is strong. Rain always sets the tone for sinking in with a good read.
I am glad you kept the sexual encounter in the story from getting too graphic. Actually, you told a grisly tale with some elegance. The last two lines of the story are the perfect touch. I also love the touches you added of his thinning hair, and his sagging middle aged body that he can't bear to look at.
My main suggestion is to make it harder for the reader to figure out the twist at the end. I had it figured out straight away. Have him call her on the phone, and tell Amy he is running late, that she should go to bed without him if she is tired. Of course, she won't answer, but he can leave a message. Then in the morning, when the phone rings, he should be concerned he won't disturb her with his conversation.
I found this poem on the Sponsored Items sidebar. I like the theme of your poem, loneliness. I am not sure that it is love, maybe that's what you want it to be, but that's not what jumped out at me.
I really like the first few lines. It drew me into the poem. The rhythm and flow is very good. No choppiness.
My biggest suggestion is to change "God" to the girl's name. That would bring it up a whole star for me. It really sounds like the speaker is addressing God, not a woman.
Also, your poem needs periods at the end of each line.
This is the least important suggestion, but "soul-piercing" is cliched. I am sure you can come up with something original.
Saw this in Read a Newbie. I can relate to the theme of your poem, lost love, a failed relationship, a hurting heart. Who hasn't been there before? The opening and closing lines are excellent.
I do have some suggestions. If I read the poem out loud, the rhythm is choppy. I would rewrite it so there are the same number of syllables in each line. Second, I would eliminate the dashes at the beginning of each line. Third and final, in one line, you have "some" twice. Revise that.
Came across this in Read a Newbie. I have to say there is more to this story than meets the eye. The more I read it, the more layers there are. But it is one thing to be vague, another thing to leave it up to the reader's imagination. Right now, it is more the former than the latter. Also, the story ends as soon as it climaxes. It needs denouement. I suggest eliminating some of the details of the girl and her room. I also feel a little uncomfortable reading about a child having plush arms and juicy legs. Those to me are sexual terms. Just pointing out one reader's reaction, not judging you.
Hi D.Follows, just came across your story in Read a Newbie. I love horror. I thought your title very good, simple. Sometimes simple is best. I enjoyed the story and it made me want to lock my door.
I do have some suggestions. First, your opening line. It is a bit short for an opening line. I would make it a little longer, and also make the numeral two the word, two. My next suggestion is to put all the speaker's thoughts in italics.
My final suggestion is that you mention foxes too many times for such a short story.
Best of luck in writing; I shall visit your portfolio, you are welcome to visit mine as well.
Is this a form poem? It seems as if you tried to write a palindrome, that is, a poem that reads backwards as well as forwards. Many lines do read that way. You include so many colors. Are you trying to include certain words, as in a contest prompt? I would just make this a palindrome; you're almost there.
The title and tag caught my interest, as anything about dusk, the moon, and night fascinates me.
Who is this twirling, trilling, skipping old man? I sense he is something personified.
I think my favorite line is "goldens rich as alfalfa crops." Second favorite is "crescent moon rising half sun," as you neatly combine allusions to day and night.
One correction I have is that you misspelled "landscaping."
I saw this in the reads that offer GP's. I was hooked by the "Come if you dare" line. Horror is my favorite genre. I really liked your story. At first, I thought it was really dialouge-heavy, especially at the beginning, but I think that is forgivable, especially since your story is fast-paced and keeps the reader's attention - and how!
I do have a few suggestions. I giggled at a place you probably don't want giggles. Where you say Johnny saw the mummy and then he cursed and fell to the ground, the way it's written it seems the mummy is the one who cursed and fell.
I think you need to rewrite all the parts where Becky starts to scream and continues screaming. You start out saying she issued "a terrifying scream," then later that the screams increased in intensity. Well, a "terrifying scream" is as intense as you can get. When she screams and how she screams is very important in building to the climax of the story.
Usually I have a lot more suggestions. But your story has no spelling or grammar errors. The end is Stephen King-ish, and you know I mean that as the highest compliment.
I have horror stories in my folder. I'd love it if you would read and review one.
As promised, here is my return review. Oh, wow, I did not see that twist coming at the end. I am so sick of how mimes are constantly mocked in TV and movies. They are artists and not nearly as annoying as they are portrayed by the media. I am so glad to read this poem about a deaf couple acting silently to the hearing world. And that he died doing what he loved...ahhh...that's poetry.
Only one question: The child being "put to sleep" makes me think he died, especially cause the mother is weeping. Is that the case?
Thank you for reviewing my poem "Grass." OMG, this poem is the bomb. I don't give five stars very often. Can I read "Mind Workers" tonight at our Open Mic Poetry Night? They will love it.
Thank you for sharing your work, and keep writing.
I saw this in the Short Stories NL of 11/28/08. Congrats on being featured! I am so happy I chose this story to review. The editor of that particular NL always selects excerpts from his editor's picks, and your excerpt was a great hook. I was not disappointed, in fact, this story was way better than I had hoped. How nice to read about an old man who takes in a young girl out of sympathy, with no ulterior motives, without locking her in his basement. I think everyone could use their own Henry. Your story has a shining pure heart, and I love the symbolism of the bike. You have much more than a basic grasp of writing. For instance, you effectively 'showed', rather than 'told', Mary Alice was pregnant. Also, your opening line is a great hook, as I mentioned.
I look forward to reading more of your work, and invite you to stop by my port sometime.
Suggestions:
1. "All that remained lacking" is awkward. I suggest "All that was missing"
2. Henry's way of speaking is endearing, especially when he says "You don't got to explain if you don't want to." But some of his speech is archaic and sounds turn of the century, like when he says "Aye, he's a right imp for getting into scrapes." How about, "Yep. He's one for getting into scrapes."
3. "picknicking" is misspelled.
I am an editor for the Reviewing Newsletter. I would like to feature this story in an upcoming issue. Also, please let me know if you would like to receive the Reviewing NL.
I saw this in the Fantasy NL of 11/28/08. Congrats on being featured! I am an editor for the Reviewing NL, and I will include this piece in a future issue. The romantic meeting on the border of sleep, where the lover eagerly awaits night, is something to which all who suffer from the "harshness of the day" can relate. Your use of "yer" instead of "your" makes your poem stand out from the pack, and also gives it an old-fashioned authenticity.
My suggestions for improving your poem are that you add consistent punctuation throughout the stanzas.
Write On!
Sincerely,
Lotusneko
P.S. Please let me know if you would like to subscribe to the Reviewing NL.
I saw this in the Short Stories NL of 11/19/08. Congrats on being featured! The story of a "gambling granny" who gambles at a lot more than just Bingo is a good idea. Your story really picks up in the second half, and the ending is well-executed. Unfortunately, the first half or more drags so much that the reader loses interest.
You have to get a strong opening line for your story, a "hook" that will get and hold the reader's attention. I suggest moving the line by the drug dealer when he is looking for a "helper" to the beginning. And shorten the LONG and rambling dialouges for a tighter, faster-moving story.
I hope my review helps.
Sincerely,
Lotusneko
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It was one of my favorite shows. I like your dig at Stephenie Meyer. There is no way The Host would have ever been published if teen girls had not made Twilight a smash. 