You are a thinking girl and I love it! Many great insights presented here. Your essay is well organized and mostly well-written, with only a few minor structural issues.
Topic sentence:
Femininity versus masculinity is an ongoing battle between males and females.
Proofread, reading out loud, to catch errors. For example:
simply because the men who are lowering the power and greatness of women
You should definitely keep on writing. You have much to contribute.
A good effort, with some good story-telling. But mostly you tell us what happened, instead of describing the action as it happened. And some dialogue would have helped.
You misspell your main character's name. Is it Chloe or Cloe? Both are used.
Be consistent in your verb tense. For example, in the second sentence, you begin with past tense then switch to present tense. You also repeat the word "woman". Try to avoid repetitions. It should be:
She was a quiet, loving and reliable woman, but she was also mysterious and curious.
Sentences start with capitals and end with periods.
Commas come right after the word. There should be no space.
It might help if you proofread, reading out loud, to catch errors.
You are a good story-teller and this is mostly well written.
A couple of things:
- "too much" is misused in the first sentence.
- use periods to end sentences, not commas
- proofread by reading out loud to yourself. Some of your sentences are structured poorly.
Here's the first bit restructured:
At the end of the 30th century, advanced technology made space travel possible. NASA developed a spacecraft that would allow travel from one planet to another, quickly and efficiently. The only problem detected by scientists were ice storms within TATUIN orbit that would cool everything in their path.
NASA experimented with test trips to determine if their ships were capable of passing through the storms. However, all the trips were in vain. The ships froze instantly, and the trail lost after that.
One day, in a town in Alaska, a scientist named Fry developed a ship capable of traveling at the speed of light. With his great knowledge and intelligence, he developed a powerful ship that traveled in a matter of seconds from one world to another.
Good writing takes practice. Continue to hone your skill!
This is mostly well-written. It is apparent that you are a story-teller, and a good writer. We are right there with Lucinda.
I am wondering why you didn't name her from the outset? It becomes confusing to only be given her name well into the story. At first, the reader is not sure if we are talking about the same person.
Structurally, it's sound, but there are way too many sentences that begin with "she". Consider the first paragraph. Every sentence begins with "she." Better that you mix it up a bit:
Lucinda reached for the clock on the bedside table and silenced the alarm pealing like claps of thunder. Anger rose from her throat, and she hissed. A disgusting swear word sounded, loudly. Irritated at the intrusion into her sleep, she turned and faced the wall, annoyed at waking up at the ungodly hour of midnight. Yawning, she pressed her hand to her throat. It was warm and scratchy. A cough came suddenly, and repeatedly, and dislodged a horrid substance in her throat.
Also, it's best to break up many paragraphs of prose with some dialogue and action.
This is a very well-written piece, honest and emotional. It reads like a journal entry. Keeping a journal is a very good thing to do to get in touch with yourself.
I am sorry you are struggling with bipolar disorder. It's certainly more than mere "moods". It does sound like you have support, which of course is vital. Lean on others and know you are not alone.
The organization of your writing and sentence structure is good. Don't forget to capitalize I.
Thank you for sharing. Keep on writing! Maybe, try a fictional story.
This little story shows good imagination, but formatting is poor.
You must take more care with your sentence structure. Avoid run-on sentences. Use periods to end sentences. Capitalize the beginning of a new sentence. Leave a space between sentences.
You should only use one verb tense. Do not switch between present and past tense. It is confusing for the reader.
Leave a blank white line in between paragraphs by hitting "enter" at the end of each paragraph.
For example, your first few sentences:
In a distant city there is a dog named Mittens. Brave, tender, playful and strong, she has superpowers, both the ability to move objects and the power of invisibility.
Martina is a quiet, loving young woman. The owner of Mittens, she loves animals. However, Martina has no idea of her dog's powers. Suddenly one afternoon, Mittens is kidnapped by Mr. Miller, a cruel, lonely and stubborn man who does not like animals. Cleverly, he arranged the kidnapping by adding a substance to her food, in order to trap and torture her. He also possesses a power of control which not all of Mittens powers could (you need a word here) against him.
A nice little original piece, with a good message. Mostly well-written.
But you begin in third person (he) and then switch to first person (I) and it is very confusing how you switch back and forth between third person POV and first person POV.
Also, many reviewers when they open this item will be scared off when they see the big huge block of text. It is hard to read. It is better to edit it by leaving one blank line in between paragraphs, by hitting enter at the end of each paragraph.
I can tell by reading this you are a people-person, and you have done a great job of capturing Brenda. It reads as a tribute.
It is well-written and detailed just right. You do have a talent for writing. And any writer must always be interested in people!
I'm sorry to say some reviewers might be scared off when they open this item and see a big huge block of text. Please take the time to edit and click enter at the end of each paragraph to leave a blank line in between paragraphs. It makes it so much easier to read with the white space.
You are a writer. You have a writer's instincts. You put your whole self on the page.
One of the most important things about a good piece of writing is that it evokes emotion, and yours surely does. A good piece of writing must infect the reader with feeling, and yours surely does. And it says something important about the human condition.
And there is a really pleasant rhythm and flow to your writing.
Just a note - take care with punctuation and spelling. I noticed a couple of mistakes.
The emotion comes through in this little piece. It is mostly well-written. But it is more of a situation than a story.
Even though it is flash fiction, there's got to be some sort of resolution at the end. Possibly something happening to show a change in the main character. There's no real main character arc in this story.
The emotions and desperation come through clearly in this well-written poem. You have captured something vital. It reads honest. The best poems are honest.
So did this person swim again?
It needs punctuation, though, to assist the reader, with rhythm and pace.
Thank you so much for sharing. You sound like a remarkable person. You express yourself well, with real writing talent and great insight. It sounds like you have a good handle on things.
I am sorry your family is not comfortable talking about your sister. But writing can be your outlet.
Very glad that you are relying on your sense of humour to make some sense of this ridiculous world we find ourselves in.
And how wonderful to find a boyfriend who accepts you for who you are. And doubly wonderful that you accept yourself for who you are.
Just a note about formatting. Such a large block of text with no white space will overwhelm a lot of readers. This piece needs to be put into shorter paragraphs, with a white line in between each paragraph (press enter at the end of each paragraph) or else a lot of reviewers will not take the time to read this. It's too difficult to read. And I believe this piece should be read by as many as possible.
And in formal writing, capitalize I and don't leave out apostrophes, for example - don't and wouldn't
You are a writer. You have a way with words. This flows and evokes emotion. You have something important to say. I quite enjoyed reading it. I think you have a natural talent.
It would have made a bigger impact had you gone to the trouble to properly format, i.e. capitalization, etc. It's just lazy not to, and it isn't fair to your reviewers.
Your writing reveals that you are a deep thinker with questions, and have something important to say. You are reflecting on the human condition, and human nature, and to me these are the most important things we can write about.
Mostly, your writing is good. The first paragraph is a little long. Might be a good idea to break it up into two paragraphs, for better readability.
Also, your opening about the Universe is a little inaccurate and confusing. The Universe is not the use of existence, it is all of existence. And the Universe is not bright, starlight, condensed matter but all energy and matter, some of it dark.
And I don't know what you mean by "matter of energy". Everything that exists everywhere is either matter or energy.
A little bit of research about what makes up the Universe would have been helpful, if you are going to write about it.
This is not a story. It is a stream of consciousness. Or possibly an essay. A story must include some elements, like setting, character, conflict and resolution.
Yes, keep writing. Good writing evokes emotion, and that is what your writing does. You have something to say and you should say it. You are good with words.
Try writing a story. Do some research on story-writing format. A good story includes a setting, characters, a conflict and a resolution.
There are many good story-writing contests on this website. Investigate them.
Always an interesting topic. Not sure anything too new is added here.
I do like that it was written from the POV of God. Lends itself to more insight and creativity. Would have been interesting if you had got more inside the head of God. That's the beauty of 1st person POV.
Difficult to read because of the block nature of the text. Know when to begin new paragraphs.
You need to brush up on how to format dialogue in a story. Please read the following article.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 3:46am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
