This is an interesting prologue to what could be a much longer short story or possibly a novel. Your writing reflects your vivid imagination and your impressive grasp of the English language – which is probably more impressive than most of your readership. As I read through, I got lost more than once on the complex descriptions of mundane objects and had to struggle back to find the storyline. The plot that you’ve begun to construct is both strong and captivating, but it’s been harmed by the complexity of the story’s telling. Without a dictionary, I didn’t know what a lot of the words meant. I don’t usually keep a dictionary handy when reading sci-fi; I’m pretty sure that most other readers don’t either. While your descriptions are complete and even poetic in places, I think that the complexity of the prose will alienate some of your readers and send them away in search of simpler sci-fi stories that require less of a time investment.
Mechanically, this story is written very well. The grammar, with the exception of very few incomplete sentences, is impeccable and the breadth of your vocabulary is truly impressive. But, therein lies the problem – many of the words in this piece were just beyond my ordinary reading vocabulary. In these places, I didn’t fully understand the storyline and, as a result, lost some of my interest in the story. As a reviewer, I persevered to the end; as a casual reader, I’m not sure I would have stayed past the first few paragraphs.
Description
The purpose of every review is to provide constructive criticism so that we all may improve as writers. It is with this hope that I have provided these examples below.
Some lines of this story read almost like poetry, or like the words of a Victorian-era writer. It’s quite an accomplishment to have integrated these skills into the writing of a sci-fi story, but I’m not sure that your target audience will fully appreciate your efforts. After all, they’ve reached your story while seeking out science fiction, not poetry or 19th century Victorian fiction.
Dusk: like a fire along the distant horizon afar from the depravity of civilization; withering away beneath the silver sea, mirroring the steel sky.
This sentence above is almost a beautiful sentence. However, “afar from the depravity of civilization” reads awkwardly. I think this sentence would have made more sense to me if it had read “far from . . .”. Also, “depravity of civilization” is almost, but not quite, bordering on the overly-verbose.
The thunderous and distinct sound of the metropolis, made by the human influx, the storming streets and superhighways, the personal and commercial jets overhead - it was what Angelo had become accustomed to, his ears adapting to the Pandemonium that was civilization.
We’ve all been to cities and know that they are busy, loud places. Your readers will expend a lot of effort in reading a sentence this complex; however, it seems to exist for the sole purpose of reinforcing the stereotypical image of a city - that’s already in your readers’ minds. What’s different about this city? What does this description add to the story?
Angelo’s face radiated with ivory warmth from the dusk, like a luminous radiance around his head, as he gazed at an unpretentious neon sign above himself.
There are a lot of adjectives in this piece. Some are good, but too many make a piece wordy. The first part of this sentence tells us that Angelo’s face radiates an ivory warmth. The second part compares this to “a luminous radiance”. This seems redundant. Also, I’m not sure if “unpretentious” adds a lot to the third part of the sentence. Lastly, “above himself” could probably be replaced by adding an “up” after the verb “gazed,” which appears earlier in the sentence.
Angelo began his way up the flight, still in the heedless promenade of his dampened state.
The sentence above would be a lot clearer if you removed everything after the comma. I don’t really understand what a “heedless promenade” is. I know a couple of meanings for promenade, but none seem to fit. I think the idea that he’s in a “dampened state” could probably be stated more concisely by replacing “began” with a stronger, more descriptive verb, e.g., trudged. . . .
Mirrored doors lined the mirrored walls. Angelo took a look at himself in one panel. Shifty images of his shell reflected back. He had flowing ebony hair, strewn all over his head in a youthful style. His face was callow, but lacked the aura of a youth, except it was cloudy in a tone of depression. The eyes, pocketed in a droopy pouch, expressed utter hollowness. He wore a long black windbreaker of tanned hide. It coated a white T-shirt, browned from the deleterious atmosphere that slowly killed the inhabitants of the city. His jeans were bleached and slack, the style of a few decades gone by.
The paragraph above reflects some effective use of description; there’s just so much of it that I became lost and wondered when the story was going to start again. What exactly does “shifty images of his shell reflected back” mean? Does this mean that the mirrors provided an uneven image? Or that Angelo is a shifty character – a little less than trustworthy? Also, I understand what you mean by “shell”, but . . . giving Angelo a shell makes me think of turtles, not main characters in sci-fi novels. There are other points in this excerpt where wordiness takes away from the overall power of the description. “In a youthful style” could be removed; flowing ebony hair implies youthfulness and this is reinforced by the verb “strewn.”
Some of your readers will read “tanned hide” and wonder why you didn’t just use the more recognized name for this material – leather. Also, “to coat something” can mean to cover something (like a t-shirt) with a coat, but the more usual use is “to cover or spread a finishing over something,” as in coating a table with varnish. Without a dictionary, I don’t know what “deleterious” means, and I usually don’t keep a dictionary handy when I read sci-fi.
Specific Questions
Behind Angelo, the sky reflected the dusk of April 2035.
This line, the first in the story, is an interesting way to show your audience what the date is, but how is the dusk of April 2035 any different than the dusk of April 2005 or of April 1975?
. . . between a Varcade and the abounding mass of stalls . . .
What is a varcade?
An affluent operation reflected in the scuffed concrete stairway.
I didn’t understand how an affluent operation could be reflected by concrete or how this concrete stairway would reflect the affluence of an operation? I didn’t understand whether you meant that the concrete had a reflective quality or whether concrete has become some sort of a precious commodity by 2035?
Tube lights ran around the roof, they wavered; mirror confined in a frame of light.
I understand what tube lights are and that florescent light will waver. This is a great image, but what does “mirror confined in a frame of light” mean?
Contiguously, Francis’ senses were substituted by Angelo’s.
What does contiguously mean? I know it can mean “adjacent”, but this doesn’t help me to understand this sentence either.
Dialogue
I have one last comment about the dialogue of your characters. Throughout the first two-thirds of this story, there’s no dialogue. This is fine because Angelo is alone and is trying to get to his destination. But, the vocabulary that’s used to describe the city, his thoughts, and his mission is scholarly and technical. Then, when he finally starts speaking, he sounds like an adolescent who’s just been arrested for truancy. This marked contrast between the dialogue of your characters and the narration of your piece startled me. Since the story seems to be told mostly from Angelo’s POV (point of view), I expected his dialogue to match the level of vocabulary shown in his narration. It doesn’t. I’d recommend re-writing the piece as if Angelo had told it or adapting the dialogue so that it sounds more like his narration. I really feel that the narration and dialogue should match.
Conclusion
Thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope that this review will give you some ideas as you move forward with this story. You’ve got the beginnings of a strong plot and the ability to write some incredibly descriptive prose. Going forward, I’d recommend focusing more effort on the actual story and less effort on the description of the story’s setting. Good luck! |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
With a breathe that comes only from those who dread shopping