Hey, Jeremy. I felt like giving your item a review.
I will try to be as helpful and in-depth as I can .
Plot
The plot is very compelling. Feina's struggle to control the Stone makes me wonder what the stone does, who is after it, and how will they protect it? This prologue definitely does its job: it makes me want to read on. The ending especially made me want to find out what happened to all of them. The conflict and development of their interesting world make this story very readable.
Characterization
Feina is an awesome character. She is so wise, and the contrast between her massive burden and frail body effectively grasps the affection and sympathy of the reader. I do suggest that you refer to her only as Feina when narrating. Other characters may use her Mage Chancellor honorific, but it is more proper and less confusing to stick with using Feina to describe her along with pronouns.
Ghadrik is nicely portrayed as the seasoned Grandblade who is partially ashamed of his attraction to the much younger Khameris.
Khameris is sweet and vulnerable, and her relationship with Ghadrik is a nice romantic interest element to the story.
Pacing
The pacing of the prologue was very balanced. There is a lot of dynamic movement while also giving important exposition and backstory. The flashback wasn't confusing to me and helped break up the Rhuk-Carrier flight with something to mix things up. I always felt like the story was moving somewhere, even with all of the information that is smoothly integrated into the dialog and narration.
Setting
The world that you are crafting feels very fleshed out. The allusions to past events like the Ravage, places, honorific titles, and people are all integrated naturally into the flow of the story. Also, your descriptions are detailed, but not heavy-handed like many other stories that I have read. This world of magik is quickly coming into clearer focus, and we're only at the prologue!
dialog
The dialog in this story feels natural and well suited to the olden times fantasy world that it is set in. The terminology is used consistently and each character is given an increasingly distinct voice. Feina is wise and gentle. Ghadrik is confident but humble. And Khameris is sweet, heartfelt, and vulnerable. This is all evidenced in their speaking.
Technical/Grammar
The woman's two followers gathered around her, opting to carry her the rest of the way if it was needed.
I suggest replacing "if it was needed" with "if needed" or "if need be." "If it was needed" sounds a little wordy.
The wood was eerily still, frozen in silence.
I suggest you use "the woods were" instead of "the wood was." Whenever I hear a story, people usually talk about getting lost in "the woods" not "the wood." Might just be a preference thing.
The trees lacked their usual nighttime residents, the moss-bound ground strangely absent of scavengers.
This may be a little picky, but the rhyming of "bound" and "ground" is distracting to me. Perhaps "moss-covered" would be an adequate alternative.
Thick shadows clung to the spiring oaks, falling beams of the three moons spilling through the entwining branches overhead.
Having the "beams" "spilling" and "falling" is redundant. You should pick one verb or the other, or the sentence becomes confusing.
Mage Chancellor Feina. Are you sure you don't need any help?
Giving "Mage Chancellor Feina" its own sentence doesn't make sense. You should combine them: "Mage Chancellor Feina, are you sure you don't need any help?" Also, asking an esteemed person if they need help may be a little condescending. Asking if they would like "assistance" or something similar would sound more respectful.
" The head reaches above the trees!"
Once again, I am being a little picky, but there should be no space between the first double quote and "The."
Feina spoke with an urgency never heard by her two followers before.
I suggest rewriting this sentence into something more along the lines of "Feina spoke with an urgency never before heard of by her two followers."
though Feina's urgency had led her followers to believe this wouldn't be a flight of relaxation.
I think that the use of the pluperfect (had) is inappropriate because this is a completed action happening at a specific time. Including "had" doesn't hurt this sentence, but it is unnecessary.
Even with the mastery of her craft and her position within its hierarchy, the stone was stubborn in its acceptance of her as its former wielder.
It doesn't make sense for the stone to resist accepting her as its "former" wielder. If she has the stone right now, she would be the current wielder. You probably meant "instead of its former wielder."
Her face cringed as she drew forth an internal energy only one other had caused her to use.
Picky, picky, I know, but you don't draw "forth" something, you draw "from" something.
Her almond shaped hazel eyes looked affectionately toward the woman that she considered to be the closest thing to a mother she had ever had.
As always, whenever you use "that" as a conjunction, it is usually better to leave it out. Also "had ever had" is distracting because of the close repetition of "had." It would improve the flow of this sentence to remove the first "had."
I've just never seen her struggle this much with it before.
"Just" is a vague adverb that should be avoided unless you're consciously including it to flavor a person's words as timid or hesitant.
Avoiding his growing curisosities of the girl ten summers his junior, he set his slate eyes to gaze on the endless countryside passing below them.
There is a typo here in "curisosities." The correct spelling is curiosities.
He closed his eyes and breathed in the sweet-scented air over a field of wild Amberrose.
Unless Amberrose is an actual plant with this actual spelling, you should overlap the R's (amberose) or keep the name opened (Amber Rose). Other compound words that follow this behavior are words like "threshold" which combines the H's to avoid the awkward spelling of "threshhold."
It reminded him of a picnic the three of them had had the day Khameris arrived,
To avoid double "had"s, you should leave one of them out. The sentence would still be fine using preterit without the perfect tense. In other words, since this happened at a specific time (the day Khameris arrive) you don't need the extra "had."
she had been five and he had been fifteen.
Once again, don't use "had" instead say "she was five, he was fifteen." Actions at a specific time should not include the added "have" or "had."
However, the small stone that never seemed to leave her presence required the attention of her superior magiks.
Since you're trying to emphasize that she cannot afford any major distractions, it would be good to write that it "required the FULL attention of her superior magiks."
He chose his words carefully, knowing the wrong ones could prompt numberless additional questions.
It's obvious, if you're paying attention, that this is being said by Ghadrik. However, you should use his name instead of "he" to establish the antecedent, because other antecedents have interrupted the pronoun chain.
Khameris raised her right leg and laid it under her left knee.
I'm being picky here, but this is an awfully wordy description that can be replaced by "she crossed her legs."
Ghadrik was brought back to the discussion he had had with the older woman earlier in the day.
Another double "had" that should be left out. Another trick to getting rid of double "had"S is contracting one onto a preceding pronoun. For example, "the discussion he'd had." The only down side is that this can be mistaken for "he would have," but context usually fixes this problem.
"That may all be true but he said something,
I suggest placing a comma after "true."
She nearly jumped as the memory of her teaching from Feina entered her thoughts.
Use "teachings" instead of "teaching."
At least I'd feel as though I was actually protecting her in the way I gave oath to.
Try replacing "in the way I gave oath to" with "as I've sworn to."
A dull ache ate at her, gnawing at her eyes, forcing tears to lace around her alomnd-eyes.
Replace "ache" with "aching" and "alomnd" with "almond."
He wanted to reveal the deep-seeded affection he had for her.
If you're going to use this sentence, use "deep-seated" instead of "deep-seeded" because I think that's what you mean, if you're talking about the psychology term for something deeply rooted in the psyche. However, I think that cutting this sentence entirely would make the following, more intense sentences less redundant.
My Overall Impression
This was a very interesting story. The Rhuk-carrier was awesome. It's a giant bird-taxi thing, right? And I can't wait to see more of the magikal elements of this story. The reference to "bending" was very intriguing. And I am excited to see some future magik being cast by Feina. The dark wielder of the Stone definitely felt threatening throughout this entry. I loved the characters and their fresh names. Feina is definitely a compelling protagonist, and their quest to protect the stone feels like it really matters. Other than a few technical problems, this was an amazing prologue.
My Rating:
3.5 just cause it had a few typos, otherwise I'd give it a 4.5 or maybe even a 5.0. If you edit it and email me, I'd be happy to clear my rating and revisit this piece.
Best Wishes,
LuVen
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