I think it is pretty good Connor for a 3 minute write. I like how you put little notes on the bottom so we know what was going through your head, or why you wrote the poem. Great description of a nice, down home, country cafe, or at least that is the feel that I get from it. Hope the waitress enjoyed it. Good job!
I think this poem could be interpreted in a couple different ways.
Sometimes those who have never been in an abusive realationship does not understand the dynamics of one. Thus they tend to think that the person wants, or needs, the abuse or they would not take it. Unfortunately most are caught in a cycle that they think there is no escape from.
In another way this poem is very romantic. It reminds me of a poem that a slave or submissive would write for his/her master/mistress. A love poem.
Only one thing I would change.
harsh, aggressive hands
...and words
I would exchange the words hands and words. To me it makes more of a statement to say harsh agressive words...and hands.
Other than that I enjoyed the poem. And I think I prefer to think of it as a love poem from a submissive to their Master/Mistress.
Hello again Connor. I came into this poem expecting an arguement or a request for one, from the title, but that is not really what the poem is about. Perhaps Shades of Gray would be a better title, or something to do with teenage rebellion. I got the feeling of a teenager talking back to his/her parents in the only way he/she could, through a poem.
I really liked the poem itself, it speaks volumes and is probably what alot of people on the other side of an arguement think. The Other Side or My Side, other choices for a title?
everything happens for a reason
or so you say
and what you say goes, of course,
that one golden rule
I say that all the time, everything happens for a reason, and in raising my children what I said went, most of the time anyway, so in essence that was a golden rule. Very good job.
I really liked this poem. I liked how you described the different aspects of her then the last line show how you feel about them in relation to you. Great imagery throughout.
makeshift curtain that hides you from me.
This was the one line that stood out for me. A great way to describe her hair.
Hello again Cherry. You know by now that I think you have excellent story ideas. I think the main concern I have with your writing is how you tell the story. Sometimes the reader gets confused and you have to reread passages over to get the meaning.
Comments and Suggestions
An impatient voice called from down the stairs.
I would have just said from downstairs.
Sarah, Becky and Natalie
Need a comma after Becky.
“Yeah, I suppose.” Kathy slowly left her bedroom,
Was wondering if she said that to herself or if she yelled it back down to her friends. You did not indicate it either way.
Kathy moved from the dance floor, she was hot and sweaty.
Don't really like this sentence. Suggest--Kathy left the dance floor, her body glistening in a sheen of sweat.
Kathy turned her eyes to meet the gaze of the guy standing in front of her.
You used the term guy in previous sentence. I would change this to read (the gaze of the man).
His dark brown hair stuck to his hot and sweaty face.
Again you used the terminology, hot and sweaty. This is repititious and soon the reader becomes bored. Suggest--His dark brown hair stuck to the patches of sweat on his face.
Sure.” Kathy answered as she smiled back.
Previously the guy asked if the seat was taken. This response does not tell the reader whether the seat was taken, or whether she meant that no it was not taken so sure you can sit there. Try not to be to vague.
You want another one?” Jeremy shoved another vodka cruiser in Kathy’s hand.
Should read--into Kathy's hand. Previously, Kathy is drinking water. There is no transition from water to vodka.
Kathy, still shaking her head, took a swig of bruiser before a sudden nauseated feeling crept upon her.
Okay, if she is shaking her head indicating that she does not want another drink, then why did she take a drink? Also previously it was cruiser, now you say bruiser, confusing the reader. Also the wording leads the reader to believe she knew a nauseated feeling was coming, so she took a swig before it happened. Suggest--when suddenly she became nauseated.
“I have to…” Kathy dashed away from Jeremy towards the toilet.
Was the toilet right there? Perhaps--dashed away from Jeremy and headed towards the restrooms.
Her heart was pounding trying to escape her chest.
Was her heart really trying to escape her chest. I find that hard to imagine. Perhaps--Her heart was pounding wildly, as if trying to escape the confines of her chest.
Without waiting to see who was there Kathy rushed through, knocking her attacker to the ground.
You stated before that Kathy does not know where she is. If she is unaware of where she is then how would she know whether the person entering is friend or foe. Change to read--knocking whoever it was to the ground.
The room spun around Kathy to the beat of the music, the loud bass thumping at her head.
I think you need an explanation before this sentence. Kathy was disoriented, the room spinning to the beat of the music, the loud bass thumping through her head.
Kathy felt her way along the smooth wall. Stumbling over bags of trash, empty beer bottles and passed out bodies. Trying to find her way out of this nightmare.
The last two sentences are incomplete. You could combine them all to read--Kathy felt her way along the smooth wall (stmbling over bags of trash, empty beer bottles, and passed out bodies) trying to find a way out of this nightmare.
Kathy leant her head on the window.
Should read--Kathy leaned her head.
I followed the story well till towards the end. I was under the impression that Jeremy had drugged her and taken her someplace else. Did her friends follow her to where she was? Did they know what was going on. You have them surrounding her in the end but there is no indication as to what happened. Still am not sure if Jeremy was actually attacking her or if all this was just the overactive imagination of someone who had to much to drink.
I think this could be a really great story, as I do all of the stories you write. I just feel you need to sit down and rework out the details. Maybe outline the action so that the story flows better and the reader is not left wondering how the characters got to where they are.
Sad story. I don't think the title really suits the story. Maybe something like Painful Regrets, Unforgivable Sin, A Friend's Betrayal, something that makes the reader want to read the story.
Comments and Suggestions
This is going to be the best holidays ever.”
Leave off the s on holiday.
I was just about to knock on the door and enter before I hear Jenny in a heated conversation on the phone.
Should be--before I heard Jenny
“I’m fine.” Jenny just snapped
Leave out the just
“Well I hope you’re not sick all the holidays.”
Maybe something like; not sick during all the holidays.
Over all I liked the story. In fact I like most of the stories in your port. Some of your sentences need tightening up. I have just highlighted a few from this story due to the severe thunderstorm approaching.
Hello, As you probably know I am here to raid your port. I chose this piece because of the confessions. I wanted to know what he would have done to have to confess to.
First I would like to address the characterization. I like the way you make the reader take the side of the main charactor. Just as in real life, people tend to make promises to get what they want or need, only to break them when it comes time to pay up. This is just what the princesses did. I think he had every right to take the child.
Theme: There are several themes or morals to this story. One theme is don't make promises you cant keep. Dont be overconfident because there is always someone out there that can bring you down. Another could be to be wary of what you do in private, because you never know when someone may be watching.
Observations and Suggestions:
Rumplestiltskin shuddered at the sound of his name and then his look turned to a look of surprise.
The wording is awkward, and the reader wonders why he suddenly had a look of surprise on his face. You give no indication as to what he was surprised about.
And it wasn’t only leprechauns, she was also constantly with elves, trolls and ogres, she was just never home.”
The phrase also constantly throws the reader off. Suggest--It wasn't only leprechauns she consorted with but elves, tolls, and ogres too. She never stayed home.
But isn't gold more valuable than the things you earnt or silver coins?"
I do not believe a reporter would use the term earnt which I am not sure is a word. Suggest--Isn't gold more valuable tha silver coins or the items you would earn.
“Thankyou for your time,”
Space between Thank and you.
Overall the story was pretty good. Remind me of silence of the lambs scenario. I felt though there were some questions left unanswered. For instance; Why was the reporter so interested in his story? What happened to the princess? What is going to happend to rumplestiltskin? The story appeared to be unfinished.
Keep your muse entertained, Write On!
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This was really cute. I could picture a mouse showing up and the elephants scattering. I would change the title to maybe Elephants Entertaining, or Elephant Escapade. I like the second one better. I would also change the first line a bit by saying Elephants entertaining. Last line I would change to read Elephants exit expediently. Overall very good job with the letter E.
Actually this is one of the best I have read. You paint a perfect picture of a lonely soul standing near the ocean silently calling for a soulmate. I could almost feel the lonliness. Very good job. Can't wait to see what else you create. And welcome to WDC. Check out the newbie contest. There are many excellent ones here. Hang onto this, as the letter s will come around again before the end of the year.
I don't think the title fits the poem unless of course that is how He feels about himself. When I think of The Duke a picture of John Wayne pops into my head first and royalty second. Jack the Ripper is neither.
I like the fact that he feels the dead are coming to get him.
No sight or sound, nor traces found.
Eviscerated then stimulated,
Like the rhyme scheme in these lines.
I am a professor in disguise,
A doctor to despise,
Because of cutting out hearts.
A duke to be cured
Of eating so many tarts.
Is this a reference or comparison to Alice in wonderland? That is the image that comes to mind from the words in the last three lines--hearts duke and tarts.
Imagery-- good
Flow --little rough in spots
Rhyme scheme--some internal rhymes which I liked that they are not obvious.
Good Job
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Luvccritters2
Very short simple poem. Description of a mirror. I expected a lot more when I saw the title. I thought it would go into more depth such as what one sees when they look into the mirror. Not everyone sees what others see. This is evident in those with eating disorders. Although they see themselves as fat, they are nothing but bones. Others may see sights that noone else can see. I was hoping to get insight into your reflection and what you see when you look into the mirror. What I recieved was just a basic description of an everyday item.
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Luvccritters2
To be honest with you I started to read this story once before and quit. One because of the length and the other because the beginning just didn't grab me.
I returned and decided to try again going a little deeper into the story. Before long I was hooked and finished the whole thing ingnorant of any mistakes. Upon rereading I did find a few items that caused me to pause. They are as follows:
she wiped her hands and she made her way up the winding
I think it would read better if you replaced and with as.
where were you this time?” His anger was evident without having to look at him, “off daydreaming again?”
I think you could leave at the without having to look at him. His anger evident or obvious would suffice.
and discover she still hadn’t cleaned it; she didn’t want to think about what he might do.
I think it would make more of an impact if you added an action such as; she shivered thinking of what he might do.
The girl looked towards the door shortly.
The term shortly reminds me of a timeframe. Maybe warily would be a more appropriate choice of words.
Knowing her own state of entrapment, she knew she’d need help in leaving it
Sentence is a little awkward. Perhaps rewording it to read something like: She knew she would not be able to escape entrapment on her own, she needed help.
forth as Mouse would have expected, she saw the air shimmered and a crystal ball slowly appear.
Shimmer should be present tense since the action is happening in the present.
Overall a very good read. The characters come to life. The reader will feel sorry for Alia and Mouse. They will despise Ah'Fez and his treatment of them. They will rejoice when he gets what is coming to him. I wish you had taken the story a little further. I was thinking that maybe Ah'fez was draining Mouse of her magic, that was why he wanted her as his apprentice but that fact was never established. I do love the ending and the bond Alia and Mouse created. Maybe another continuation of this story is in the works? Would like to see the two and the new character in a sequal to see how Mouse develops.
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Luvccritters2
I think this was a great idea. It lets the contest seeker know what you expect. Makes us feel warm and welcome. I love entering contest but some of the time the host fail to specify what they look for. You state what you expect and what you will reward the contestant with. So sorry that I did not get to particpate in this contest. Sounded like it would have been a challange.
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Luvccritters2
First off the title grabs the readers attention. We are not sure what to expect. Actually the poem left me wondering. Individually I enjoyed each line and the hidden meaning that could be portrayed behind them but when they were fused together I became confused, not sure of the message you were trying to convey. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Wow, you weren't kidding were you! I knew I should have heeded your warning. Now I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Very beautifully written! I love the transition from on phase to another. I feel you portrayed the love between a mother and child, the way it should be. I could picture the child as an angel kissing momma while she grieves by the tombstone. Oh there goes the tears again! Anyway great piece and I hope to read more of your poetry!
Honestly I couldn't find anything that I would change. I love the opening paragraph which grabs the reader attention and leaves them wanting to learn more. I wanted to know just what type of hell you were going to go through. At first I thought it was being sent to prison but that would be to simple. The rest of the story really is what I would think of as hell. I also had a judge rip my babies from me. I know the pain you go through. I really don't believe they were thinking of the child's best interest as is the case in a lot of custody cases. The story was really sad, practically brought tears to my eyes. Probably would if I was home alone but since I am in a public place I did refrain. Thanks so much for sharing the story. Don't know if it was true or not but it sure sounded real to me. Good Job!
Greetings! Pirate here from The Mermaid's Muse!
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I'm absolutely speechless! No really, I just can't find the words I really want to use to describe this item.
Ingenious, imaginative, totally awesome!!
I love the way you broke down everything into different aspects of storms. I do not have the time to examine each item in all the different sections but I will be back and take my time to visit each one.
Your descriptions were terrific. I don't have to go through a whole bunch of stuff I am not interested in to find something I am in the mood for. Storm Chasing--I just really love it.
I highly recommend this item for those who want to reorganize their ports, there is a great idea here!
Hello! You have been raided by a pirate aboard The Mermaid's Muse.
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What attracted me to this peice was the title. I absolutel love the sea, the ocean, and practically any thing to do with water so decided to check out your poem.
Some of the sentences were a little hard to grasp upon first reading. Until it is the very life-blood pulsing in my veins, This line in particular made me stop in mid-flow. Was not sure how to take the line literally or philisophically.
I stare at the horizon, a line 'twixt sky and sea,
The noises and the salt spray are as one with me,
Flecked white foam's atop each wave that's curled,
I feel the awesome power-pull of all seas in the world.
I loved this stanza. I too feel the awesome power-pull.
Overall I really enjoyed reading your poem.
Hello!
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Thank you so much for sharing this very special moment with the members of writing.com. I enjoyed this little insight into SM and SMs.
After a few back and forths with my husband over when he should come to the convention, the phone call came in from SM. I had to read this sentence a few times to get the full meaning. Maybe you could use about instead of over. I think it was the word over that kept throwing me.
I was also a little disappointed that you didn't actually state that he popped the question. I would have liked to hear the dialogue between the two when the anticipated moment arrived.
Other than that I enjoyed this insight into two people you love so much.
Greetings!
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First off I would like to say that the idea you have here is quite good. Kinda like a philosophical look at heaven and hell and the human beings perpspective of each.
Some of the way the words were put together confused me a bit.
A place were we lie around and have all our
wants whipe away by another's hand? Where we
but think of what we would like and just like
that it is given to us? No cares, no worries, no
problems to face.
I think that you could effectively get your point across with fewer words. What is whipe supposed to be? Whipped or wiped.
Overall I get the sense that you feel we should just enjoy our time here on earth and worry about heaven and hell when we expire.
Great Job SM! Oh by the way:
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What led me to this article
The unique intro caught my eye. Absolutely loved it.
Comments
The essay in the beginning really got my blood boiling! The audicity of some people. I was getting so mad I started to shake.How dare someone criticize my favorite site. I am glad you set them straight. I really love this place and recommend it to everyone I know. Just last nite my son come to visit and didn't even have to ask where I was on the net he just said "Writing.com again huh"? I just responded "Is there any other site" he said "apparantly not". Everytime he comes to visit I am here.
I like the fact that in the end you stated that the person who wrote the essay was a young author. This could be why he/she felt cheated. He/she could not afford to support this site. I sure hope that once the author matures, he/she will realize there is a price to pay for everything, and will return to this site.
Some people do not realize the expense that goes into creating and operating an excellent web site. Sure some sites may not cost much to operate but this site is so diverse that it needs authors willing to pay the extra expense for the great opputunities they receive here. I for one have decided to upgrade from a basic membership to upgraded, thus am participating in Port Raid 2005. Whether or not I win the upgrade I still plan on getting it, one way or another.
Good Morning!
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For those of us who are computer-challanged I want to express my heartfelt thanks for this article. I was under the impression that it may contain information about software that would help develop my writing. I was surprised to find out it was links about Spyware, firewalls etc. My good computer crashed due to a virus so I was left with my old 486 which is very slow. I hope to explore the links you provided as soon as the convention is over. Thanks again. I really love this site and it will probably take me a year to cipher through all the information available here.
Hello!
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I really liked this sig. I am also a cat lover so was curious to see this sig. I loved the way you included the image of cats in C A T. Very unique and original. I am sure that catwoman really loved it. I am sure your mom is very proud of you. Have to visit her port next as I am sure she is also at the convention.
Good Morning! I do hope the convention is going well. Anyway I am sure you know why I am here!
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I have never rated and reviewed images before so I thought I would give it a try. Decided to check out the other artistic aspects that this wonderful site offers.
What led me to this image was the fact that my husbands name is Rick so obviously I wanted to check out the logo. Not original or unique but still I liked it. I almost had a tattoo done like that with Rick written in the ribbon.
Hello!
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Very good poem. I think you captured the essence of cancer death quite well. I am one of the caretakers and have all too often been witness to this nasty invader of the human body.
Confusion pushes out control,
I liked this first line, made me want to see how you worded the rest of the poem. Very eloquantly I feel.
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she wiped her hands and she made her way up the winding 
How dare someone criticize my favorite site. I am glad you set them straight. I really love this place and recommend it to everyone I know. Just last nite my son come to visit and didn't even have to ask where I was on the net he just said "Writing.com again huh"? I just responded "Is there any other site" he said "apparantly not". Everytime he comes to visit I am here.