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206 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
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Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh, what a relief! I'm so glad to see most of my favorite characters safe and sound. I realize that there is still more strife to come, but my confidence in humanity and democracy is restored as these characters strike out on their own. They don't seem to have too much to fear so far as radiation goes, but I'm sure there is still plenty to fear from people. I like the way Lilac's house is occupied but this one isn't and you provide an explanation for why that is very reasonable and likely. I think people would occupy the nicest looking houses first. I look very forward to reading on.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I found one typo, so I may as well note it:
I thin I remember it all...
think for thin

I had a feeling Steve would die. What kind of country doctor lets a patient die like that? I mean I understand there was a limit to what he could do, but...

Okay, so I'm saying I was so disappointed with Doc and just about everybody this chapter. I suppose a part of me hoped Steve's death would cause some sort of change in the directions things were taking. I'm feeling frustrated right now. You do a very good job of inciting emotion in your readers!

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow, a lot happens in this chapter. I find my mind reeling with thoughts now that I've finished it. It really is as if certain people are no longer wanted or valued in the house. I keep wondering/hoping they will leave and find a better place. It's scary to think of someone as frail as Lilac leaving and yet I hope she can. I've grown attached to her along with Samantha, Duncan, Danny, Trevor and Cyndy. It makes me sad that Trevor and Cyndy seem to be falling out of the story. I also liked Doc, briefly.

I'm starting to wonder if these reviews will be especially helpful, but really I can't come up with any suggestions at this point. I'm just really enjoying the story and having trouble stopping so I can read more later. What a scary world, yet not unrealistic. I can actually see it happening. That's part of what makes it so scary.

Happy Writing,
-M
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29
Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
It makes me a bit said that Doc has become one of the leaders. I really had hope for him becoming more involved with his family and instead he seems to be taking a role in the impromptu dictatorship. That isn't to say I would want you to change it, just to say that it makes me sad. I had a feeling you were heading things in this direction and I'm eager to see what happens next. I'm sad that voting is no longer occurring. I think it's a big mistake to let that happen. I might walk out on the group at that point, even if it endangered my life. I say might because who really knows unless they're there. I really think you've done a great job working with this scenario and showing the many actions many different people might take.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I share Samantha's feeling that things aren't going well in their little "family". In the last chapter I thought it was difficult to imagine her or any of the main characters voluntarily leaving the group and all at once I'm no thinking it might not be such a bad idea. I'm sure it's scary outside the castle, but things look pretty scary within as well. I want you to know that it is very difficult to stop reading this at this point. It's a good sign of a great story. :)

Happy Writing,
-M
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31
Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*In which we tell of ourselves

I enjoyed this chapter. It really gave me incite into all of the people involved. I noticed that the owners of the castle were the ones I identified with least. That would be true in real life as well I suppose. I think this was a great idea on your part as well as Samantha's. I'd have liked to see someone really attempt to record a thorough history of themselves, their world, but I'm not surprised no one did. It isn't really in their personalities and isn't necessary to move the story along.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review of Bugged  
Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh my, it's like a story with a punch line at the end. I think it's well written and I honestly can't find anything to correct for revisions. It doesn't exactly catch me, or make a lasting impression, but as I mentioned it's funny and your writing technique is good, so my rating is 4.5. Thank you for the interesting chuckle.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review of Loving Someone  
Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I thought I'd drop by and review "I'll be waiting for you part 2" today. The story is very intriguing. I really want to keep reading. You've done a great job with the plot. I've noticed that you've used both gay and gayish as descriptive words meaning merry, lively, happy or joyous. While you've used gay properly that definition and usage has really fallen out of use in recent years here in America. If your story is intended for American readers, I'd substitute a similar word such as lively or merry.

I'm afraid I've forgotten your name, because there was so many people just now and I...
I'm afraid I've forgotten your name, because there were so many people just now and I...
In short, watch for I was, you were, He / she / it was, we were, they were. In this case the noun is people. If you referred to the people again you might use the word they. Therefor were is the form of to be that goes with people. I hope I'm not just confusing you more.

Guys and girls all sigh at the sight of her, the guys sighing in pleasure where else the girls in envy.
Guys and girls all sighed at the sight of her, the guys sighing in pleasure, the girls in envy.
To stay in past tense I replaced sigh with sighed. I deleted where else because it is implied that the girls (were sighing) in envy, you don't need any extra words to show it.

As for mentally, Meg was a pushover and Aria prevented her from being excessively used; Aria was silent and Meg would tease her into opening up; Meg was indecisive and Aria reasoned her into making up her mind; Aria was stubborn and hard in a lot of matters but it was Meg who would soften her up.
Mentally, Meg was a pushover and Aria prevented her from being excessively used. Aria was silent and Meg would tease her into opening up. Meg was indecisive and Aria reasoned her into making up her mind. Aria was stubborn and hard in a lot of matters but it was Meg who would soften her up.
I eliminated As for, because it isn't necessary. Without it the sentence reads more smoothly. I made 4 sentences cutting the semicolons. Your semicolons are correctly placed, but in fiction I find them a bit jarring. Even in factual text always try to keep to no more than one semicolon per sentence. Since this is a separate paragraph, the reader should have no trouble telling that all of the sentences are about Aria and Meg's mental differences.

They were both competent and popular, and they have also partnered each other in a lot of successful school projects. Their compatibility with each other was renowned through the whole school.
They were both competent and popular, and they had also partnered each other in a lot of successful school projects. Their compatibility was renowned through the whole school.
or
They were both competent and popular, and they had been partners for many successful school projects. Their compatibility was renowned through the whole school.
Have is present tense, so I’ve substituted had. My other changes are meant to make the story flow a bit more easily.

God knows I have fallen in love with him since we were freshmen. If only he would take the final step, God knows I was the one who made most of it. All he needed to do was to just confess to me, and I will be his."
God knows I have been in love with him since we were freshmen. If only he would take the final step, God knows I was the one who made most of it. All he needs to do is to just confess to me, and I will be his."
Or
God knows I have been in love with him since we were freshmen. If only he would take the final step, God knows I was the one who made most of them. All he needs to do is to confess to me, and I will be his."
I’m not sure how to explain these changes, but I recommend them.

Surely with such a striking girl like Meg by his side
Surely with such a striking by his side
Or
Surely with a striking girl like Meg by his side
But not both

Like in the most recent case, she slipped on the newly mopped gym floor when she was keeping the equipments.
By keeping the equipment I think you mean putting it away, or cleaning it. I will go with putting it away as I write my thoughts for changes.
In the most recent case, she slipped on the newly mopped gym floor when she was putting away the equipment.
Equipment is already plural. You could also say:
Most recently, she slipped on the newly mopped gym floor when she was putting away the equipment.

apeared should be appeared

Before Aria could thought of a reply,
Before Aria could think of a reply,
or
Before Aria thought of a reply,
Could signifies past tense, with it use think, without it use thought.

Maybe I was just trying to be polite in the beginning and now that I really knew you,
Maybe I was just trying to be polite in the beginning and now that I really know you,
She is speaking in the present tense, so it should be know instead of knew.

And with that he stormed out the gym.
And with that he stormed out of the gym.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do a better job of explaining the reasons for some of these corrections. I hope you will find this to be helpful not only with this section, but as you go on to edit other portions of your work. Best of luck, you have a talent with plot and character.

Happy Revisions,
-M
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Review of Getting Published  
Review by M
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was a useful article and I read every last bit. I enjoyed reading the answers each author gave for the questions presented. I felt like I got to know the authors while learning their takes on each topic. I also like the links provided at the bottom. Many of them are new to me, some I've seen before. Thank you for putting this up where I could read and learn from it. You have a single link that has lapsed under Good Writing.com links, between "On Our Own Survey Comments Etc." and "Published Authors Questionnaire".

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review of Loving Someone  
Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A book! I'd like to read and review all the entries but I don't have time for them right now. I did have a great time reading "I will be waiting for you 1". My comments for it are below. I think you had a great idea here gathering your similar stories into a book! I have a folder like this, but a book would save me some space. Comments for part 1:

I really enjoyed the main character, and was interested in her well being right away. I found a few technical things to correct, but the writing was very smooth in the beginning. I can tell you've already done some work on this!

Besides, I still remembered the last time I tried to help you
Use remember for remembered. He is speaking in the present.

Then he stucked out his hand for her.
Stuck is already past tense, there's no need to add ed to the end. Present tense would be sticks. It's an unusual verb.

he was the one she exchanged her ham sandwich with an apple of his
he was the one she exchanged her ham sandwich with, for an apple of his
I’m not sure how to explain this. The exchange is made with him. She exchanges a ham sandwich for an apple, therefore both with and for are needed.

I'll try to return soon and read some more. Thank you for the enjoyable morning reading.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I'm glad they are willing to take a chance on strangers. I kept wondering about the radiation level of the two men. I was surprised it wasn't tested/mentioned, but maybe in the next Chapter. This is the Chapter which actually brought me to tears for a moment. It was during the description of the 'service'. You had me thinking about how none of them had really known him, and how alone his wife must feel. I wanted to climb in the book and give that poor woman a hug.

I have a feeling there will be more emotional moments to come. One of the things I think you're doing a good job of highlighting is how much we depend on and worry about things that overall are unimportant. If everything stopped but people kept moving all we would have left is people. You're doing a good job of showing that.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I had a feeling the people would be the biggest problem. I think they've made a big mistake banishing Tony. It seems like too harsh. I'm not saying I don't approve of the plot. I expected things to start heating up during this chapter and you didn't disappoint. I just feel sorry for the rotten little thief.

I'm hanging on your every word at the moment and a bit too eager to move to the next chapter as I wonder where things are going. I especially liked:

Danny looked at me with those huge brown eyes and I could swear he was trying to help in some way. I just put my head down on his and tears streamed. When I felt arms surround me in a gentle hug, it just made me cry harder.

It was so easy to relate to the main characters feelings at that moment. She seemed especially real and I felt that I might respond in a similar way to that situation.

Happy Writing,
-M
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38
38
Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I love the way this is written in the style of a journal with dates and times. I'm not sure how I feel about the transition from journal to memory. It broke me out of the story and again when heading back into the journal. I wonder if something like like:

I paused, pen in air, memories bubbling up in my mind.

Could be used and then before she returns to her journal.

I returned to my journal that evening, thinking it was important to keep some record of what was happening.

Just a few thoughts for you to consider when it comes time to edit. I'm glad the dog is there. He adds an element of warmth to the cold dungeon. I'm hoping the food really does hold out, but I think the people are the biggest danger to each other really. Can they all live together?

At one point you mentioned there were ten people and then thirteen. It confused me a bit.

We now total 10 of us down in the dungeon of the castle.

The Lucky 13 (as we call ourselves) I need to write this down.

I had a wonderful time reading this chapter of your intriguing novel.

Happy Revisions,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: E | (5.0)
Intriguing and a very fun story. I like the tone you take as narrator. I had a good time reading this through and I liked the ending. I was left wanting you to write about the rescheduled time in the future, which made it follow the prompt doubly. You really had me worried about those creatures for a while!

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was just wandering around, site seeing today when I stumbled upon your port and checked out this highlighted item. I had a great time reading it! I think it would have been even more fun to read when I first joined writing.com. Thanks for the great read!

Happy Writing,
-M
41
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Review by M
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed the tone of this piece and found it to be a really interesting read. One of my favorite lines was:

"Dinner is the largest meal of the day," she said. So I figured that any meal I didn't eat in the new cafeteria was probably dinner.

I remember people being confused when I told them that on Sundays my family ate dinner and supper instead of lunch and dinner.

You mentioned that some people seemed to be having a hard time relating to the small towns. I think that's going to happen with any story, there will be people who just can't relate. In this case I think you capture the atmosphere of a small town fairly well. It wouldn't hurt to add some more description about the appearance of downtown, or Jody's home. Your description of the chicken coop gave me an immediate visual. I feel like I really know what it looked like.

Two tiny mechanicals to note for revisions:

Billy Royce, always showing off, came up to be as fast as he could and just before he hit me, he skidded into a turn, hit the grass and fell down.
me instead of be

“I don" think you should come in, Jody."
don't instead of don"

My last comment has to do with an element which I think is stylistic. Since this is done from Jody's point of view and I believe you try to use his tone of voice in the narration. There are a ton of sentences which start with the word but, and I always notice such things. :) I try to avoid these, because they used to be frowned upon. I don't know that it's really an issue, just thought I'd mention them.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This section is shorter than the others! I felt like I'd barely begun and it was over. I only found one sentence I might make changes to and it's not necessary, just personal preference.

I whipped to look, but he wasn’t in my room
I whipped around to look, but he wasn’t in my room

I want to know what will happen in the room of requirement. I think you should just tack that on at the end, lol, although that isn't really review material, just my desire to read more.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm back. I hope my feedback has been helpful so far. I'm still really enjoying your plot, and Draco and Snape are great fun to read in this particular section. What a great fanfic thus far!

For revisions:
Weasley’s
I'm not sure about the apostrophe for the plural.
parent’s
No apostrophe needed for this plural. Here's a reference that may be helpful:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_s...

I’d’ve
Creative contraction, and I'd let you get away with it in dialog, but I really think you should alter it here.

This is one thing I know from personal experiences, you can’t force your wants on others. They’ll take them or deny them, but you can’t make them what you want.
I think you need want again between them and what.

I’d only been here for a moth, yet Hermione had complete faith in me.
moth should be month

If you won’t want to see a healer, that’s your option, but remember that a potion that simmers too long goes foul, and will eventually be worthless.
If you won’t see a healer, that’s your option, but remember that a potion that simmers too long goes foul, and will eventually be worthless.
or
If you don’t want to see a healer, that’s your option, but remember that a potion that simmers too long goes foul, and will eventually be worthless.

I'll be heading off into your next section now :).

Happy Revising,
-M
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Review of Sticky Kiss  
Review by M
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a lively, fun work of short fiction which I believe you misfiled as an appendix. I enjoyed reading about Debbie and Paul's adventures at the Fun Fair. I have a few suggestions to improve the story and I hope they will be helpful.

I had a bit of trouble going into the main plot as Debbie is speaking to you mother, so you began with quotes, using single quotes when others spoke. Then you switched to regular quotes for people speaking. The transition was confusing. I wonder if it might help to section her tale off somehow, with a divider perhaps? In this way you would be able to avoid the confusion of quotations by not using them at the beginning and ending of her monologue. Of course whenever her mother interacted with her you would have to break out of that format. I'm not sure I'm being clear, but it's something to think about.

On to technicalities. In two places I believe you need an extra carriage return to maintain your format:
thinking Paul has something to do with this?”
“Yeah Mum, he’s such a lovely man. He makes me laugh and is great to be with. Getting a

and
Debbie said “It started with a sticky kiss and progressed to salt and vinegar.”
Emily and her daughter Debbie plonked their bags and themselves down at a window table in


This seems awkward:
Emily was in high spirits, apart from having her daughter to stay she had just managed to get the last item in the outfit she had first set her heart on, way back in September.
I'd try:
Emily was in high spirits, apart from having her daughter in town, she had just managed to get the last item in the outfit she had first set her heart on way back in September.

I'm not used to hearing:
He managed to get parked not too far away and the Fun Fair was in full swing when we arrived.
so I wanted it to be:
He managed to park not too far away, and the Fun Fair was in full swing when we arrived.
That may be a regional linguistic difference. As it is all dialog you can get away with leaving it as is, either way, I think you'll want to add the comma.

I wasn’t sure whether to ask him in for coffee or what?
This isn't really a question, so I would drop the ? in favor of a .

Then he leaned over, kissing me very gently on the cheek and whispered “Can we have a proper date tomorrow?”
and whispered,

“Yes please” I gave him one big hug and a nice gentle kiss on the lips and jumped out the car.
"Yes please,"

Don't forget to change the category to short story instead of appendix in the drop down when you do your next edit. You will probably get more reads that way.

Happy Revisions,
-M
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Review of What A Gal!  
Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I found this to be a bit jolting as it began and ended so quickly. I understand you were writing against a word limit which makes it more difficult to add a whole lot of detail. I found a quick typo in the form of a tense change.

He doesn't even remember telling her his name.
should be:
He didn't even remember telling her his name.
to keep in the set tense.

Happy Writing,
-M
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Review by M
Rated: E | (5.0)
I read this a while ago and it really helped me to organize my thoughts regarding a review I'd received. I wanted to thank you again for referring me to it and the links within.

I also want to mention that one of the great things about it is the organization and use of ML Tags. It's just so easy to read, and you convey your feelings really well. In the end I didn't feel nearly so alone. It was good to know that many people had experienced the sort of thing I was going through.

Happy Writing!
-M
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Review by M
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall this has been an entertaining journey from beginning to the end. I had some thoughts along the journey which may help you make decisions when you go into revisions on the story as a whole. These are not technical issues, but are my opinion.

I think the story feels like a tale for kids or young adults in many ways, however the violence may exceed the rating for younger ages and of course some of the comments/thoughts regarding Ronda. Especially the end scene as they go off hand in hand looking forward to the next mission felt like great kid material. I could imagine them much younger than their ages when I read that section.

You have a complete story here and a neat adventure! I'd love to see you work on it more. Maybe you'll try to get it published? If you want to, definitely spend a bit of time deciding who your target audience is. Then you can make changes accordingly by considering what types of characters appeal to the target age and which events should occur as is, as well as which will need altered. I would never want you to completely change anything about the story, but I think some changes might help with marketability, if that's something you want to do!

Now, on to my usual.

Just briefly, a large turtle traveled alongside them, but you couldn’t be certain if the turtle lagged behind or the sub gracefully raced ahead.
Just briefly, a large turtle traveled alongside them, but they weren't certain if the turtle lagged behind or the sub gracefully raced ahead.

Sooner or later, they will have an encounter with the security at that base.
Sooner or later, they would have an encounter with the security at that base.

It seems John came prepared with a device made just for that purpose. Rona did what she does best with karate blows to any of the guards who got in her way.
It seemed John had come prepared with a device made just for that purpose. Rona did what she did best with karate blows to any of the guards who got in her way.

As Rona looked down at herself, she exclaimed “Amazing! It works.”
As Rona looked down at herself, she exclaimed, “Amazing! It works.”

All the while she was singing to herself, 'What a wonderful suit I’m wearing. What a wonderful day, and I owe it all to you' Then she pats the suit and she becomes visible again. She uncovered one of the jet skiers and went looking for John.
All the while she was singing to herself, 'What a wonderful suit I’m wearing. What a wonderful day, and I owe it all to you.' She patted the suit and became visible again. Then she uncovered one of the jet skiers and went looking for John.

She made quick work of two, but one stabbed her in the back with an electric blue saw-toothed small saber.
She made quick work of two, but one stabbed her in the back with an electric blue, saw-toothed, small saber.

She dove for the skier, which was still slowly sinking in the murky water, and that’s the last thing that she remembered.
She dove for the skier, which was still slowly sinking in the murky water. That was the last thing that she remembered.

Best of luck with your revisions. I would love to look at this again when you're done! Just let me know.

Happy Revisions!
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Review by M
Rated: E | (4.0)
...but who's her mysterious partner? I love the mission name, Operation "Hidden Bubbles" is a great sounding mission. I almost want to go on it myself. ;) I have some suggestions for revisions, which I hope will be helpful when the time comes.

Meantime, Agent Rona McKinney finally received her final orders for her new mission, Operation "Hidden Bubbles".
Meanwhile, Agent Rona McKinney finally received her final orders for her new mission, Operation "Hidden Bubbles".
or
In the meantime, Agent Rona McKinney finally received her final orders for her new mission, Operation "Hidden Bubbles".

When she arrives at her destination, she was to ask for Mr. Sarno, although he was actually Tech Specialist Sarno.
When she arrived at her destination, she was to ask for Mr. Sarno, although he was actually Tech Specialist Sarno.

She looked around at all the activity in this enormous warehouse.
She looked around at all the activity in the enormous warehouse.

“It’s Uncanny! He can see from the back of his head”
This is actually a thought, and isn't said aloud. That's the impression I had, so:
'It’s Uncanny! He can see from the back of his head'

You can see right through it and it covered every part of her body, yet it did not touch her skin or under clothing.
You could see right through it and it covered every part of her body, yet it did not touch her skin or under clothing.

With a serious tone in his voice, Sarno confides to Rona, “It has been decided that you’re not going to be alone on this particular mission.
I suggest:
In a serious tone, Sarno confided to Rona, “It has been decided that you’re not going to be alone on this particular mission.
I'm not sure about the phrase "confided to" I've heard "confided in" frequently, but that doesn't seem to be the proper usage for this sentence yet "confided to" does not seem right either. Hopefully someone else who does a read and review will know if it's correct or not.

I'm looking forward to the next part.

Happy Revisions!
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Review by M
Rated: E | (4.5)
...and so the plot thickens. What interesting revelations about Ned in this Chapter! I found a few sentences which could use attention, when you begin revisions.

We met late at night at a preset site in a secluded section in the dunes close to where the Island stood once before.
I'd try:
We met late at night at a preset site in a secluded section in the dunes close to where the Island once stood.
or:
We met late at night at a preset site in a secluded section in the dunes close to where the Island stood before.

Still he managed to keep out of trouble, even though he got into many scraps with other boys, especially when they would pick on a helpless kid.
I'd try:
Still he managed to keep out of trouble, even though he got into many scraps with other boys, especially when they picked on helpless kids.
or:
Still he managed to keep out of trouble, even though he got into many scraps with other boys, especially if they picked on a helpless kid.

It wasn’t uncommon to use donated sperm and ova, sometimes with the nucleus extracted to grow embryos that will develop into special humans or make organs and cells for medical research or for transplants.
I'd go with:
It wasn’t uncommon to use donated sperm and ova, sometimes with the nucleus extracted to grow embryos that would develop into special humans or make organs and cells for medical research or for transplants.

I really looked forward to reading the rest of this as I worked on other things this past week. Best of luck on your revisions, and thank you for writing such a creative tale.

Happy Revisions!
-M
50
50
Review by M
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What a cute story about growing up. I especially enjoyed the part where Barbie burned her wedding gown. Adorable!

I have 2 suggestions for revisions.

With flashlights and enough rations to last a pair of hungry kids at least two hours, we explored the tunnels where we'd both been specifically threatened not to go.
I don't think threatened can be substituted for told here. It has an awkward sound to it. I understand why you wrote it that way however, and I think it's technically sound. Personally I'd go with:
With flashlights and enough rations to last a pair of hungry kids at least two hours, we explored the tunnels where we'd both been specifically told never to go.
or
With flashlights and enough rations to last a pair of hungry kids at least two hours, we explored the tunnels. Both of us had been threatened by our parents with severe punishment for going into them, but we went, not caring.
Hmm, well, it's your call. You might leave it or think of an even better change than mine!

Joe and Ken.
"She's a girl."
"She'll never make it to the top. She'd get in the way."

Due to the format of the rest of your story I'd space that out:

Joe and Ken.

"She's a girl."

"She'll never make it to the top. She'd get in the way."

Good luck with any revisions.

Happy Writing!
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