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194 Public Reviews Given
206 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by M
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Very well written. I don't know if you'll be editing this for any reason, but I have a quick suggestion. If you do decide to edit I'd make the following change:

Should I tell you how I’d do it?
Should I tell you how I’ll do it?
It seems to me that she intends to do it right away. I was pretty convinced she intended to take care of it before he even received her note.

Happy Writing!
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Review of The Long Holiday  
Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You do really well with this type of story. It reminds me of "Beep...beep...beep" in that the character is immediately real to me. I feel like I know him and he might be a relative of mine, or the man who lives next door, or someone who works for the same company I do.

I wasn't able to find much for you to change and all of it is little things.

without hiccoughs and will only a very occasional change in personnel.
without hiccoughs and with only a very occasional change in personnel.

Would it have been easier if he did wear some sort of badge that signified “dying man.”
Would it have been easier if he did wear some sort of badge that signified “dying man”?
or, maybe it's
Would it have been easier if he did wear some sort of badge that signified “dying man?"
I think it should be a question mark at any rate. Please don't tell my college English teacher I can't remember how to deal with that... Lucky you don't know her to tell! ;)

A cold win cut down the street
A cold wind cut down the street

according to Delwin Phillips watch it was 11:40.
according to Delwin Phillips' watch it was 11:40.
I think, to show possession. If not, please let me know so I can remember the next time I come upon it.

He thought I should be afraid.
I think this is technically okay, but every time I try to get away with it someone tells me it should be:
He thought, 'I should be afraid.'
So I'll pass that on just in case.

I'll keep an eye out for your next story, but if you need something specific reviewed just let me know.

Happy Writing!
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this third part and I believe it's the best written of the 3, great job!

For revisions I'm going to start by reaching all the way back to your first entry. In that entry Snape is your main focus as well, but you don't write in first person, here you do. I would definitely change one or the other to maintain POV consistency through the story.

“I still think your barking mad.”
“I still think you're barking mad.”

There were tears at the corners of his eyes, but I was uncertain whether it was from anger or sadness.
I prefer sorrow to sadness. It may be purely personal, but I think it would flow better.

Ron turned a glower at me, Hermione remained smiling.
Ron turned a glower at me. Hermione continued smiling.
or
Ron turned a glower at me. Hermione was still smiling.

“That knowledge has been lost for thousands of years, and even if you could create a construct in my image, it would take hours of preparation, and it would also have no soul to suck out by a Dementor.”
“That knowledge has been lost for thousands of years. Even if you could create a construct in my image, it would take hours of preparation, and it would also have no soul to sucked out by a Dementor.”

Overall I have one more piece of advice, take it or leave it. I think you've done a great job of writing from the perspective of Snape. I found myself wishing at times that I knew a bit more of what he was thinking. One of the great things about first person is the opportunity to really understand the perspective of the person you're following, what they see, touch, think, hear, smell, etc. For an improvement which will really help to catch your audience and hold them, try drawing your readers into the way Snape thinks, and what makes him say the things he says.

I'm looking forward to reading part four. Happy Revisions!
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Once again I found this to be an enjoyable read. Part two moves a lot more smoothly than part one and leaves off in a bad place. I will have to read part three to find out what's going on. The corrections still fall into the same basic categories of spelling, run-ons and awkward phrases. In addition you had occasional trouble with tense.

The Feelings Not Gone
The Feeling's Not Gone
as in the feeling is not gone or
The Feelings Are Not Gone
as in multiple feelings aren't gone

Hermione had taken my wand, and Ron was physically holding me away from him though.
Hermione had taken my wand, and Ron was physically holding me, although he kept a distance between us.

Hermione had spent years after the way developing and creating this hospital.
Hermione had spent years after the war developing and creating this hospital.

She said it was a shame that St. Mungo’s delt with the physical aspects of magical people’s ailments, but not the mental.
She said it was a shame that St. Mungo’s dealt with the physical aspects of magical people’s ailments, but not the mental.

She thought the same, and reminded people that Legilimancy was originally a form of “mind healing” technique.
She thought the same, and reminded people that Legilimancy was originally a form of “mind healing”.
or
She thought the same, and reminded people that Legilimancy was originally a “mind healing” technique.

She held a fund raiser for it, and asked for help. At first, not very many people did.
She held a fund raiser for it, and asked for help. At first, not very many people helped.
or
At first, not very many people cared.
or
At first, not very many people donated.

She may not have seemed to have a very popular idea, but plenty of people were willing to profit.
She may not have had a very popular idea, but plenty of people were willing to profit.

Almost everyone left, it was no wonder.
Almost everyone left. It was no wonder.

From the five that stayed to learn more, four are still working at the hospital, the fifth trains people in, what Hermione calls, the proper form of Occlumancy and Legilimancy.
From the five that stayed to learn more, four are still working at the hospital. The fifth trains people in, what Hermione calls, the proper form of Occlumancy and Legilimancy.

Not very many people thought she’d get very far, but as time went on, and the hospital grew, and patients got better, Hermione’s Hospital for the Mentally Anguished became the top place to take people who were mentally sick. St. Mungo’s sends patients to us, and HHMA, as it became known as, sends people to them.
Not very many people thought she’d get very far, but as time went on, and the hospital grew, and patients got better, Hermione’s Hospital for the Mentally Anguished became the top place to take people who were mentally sick. St. Mungo’s sent patients to us, and HHMA, as it became known, sent people to them.

All of the people who work here is now employed, complete with paychecks.
All of the people who work here are now employed, complete with paychecks.

It was a real struggle at first, between Hermione’s pregnancy and her hospital, to get everything running smoothly, but was done, and now it’s not only seen as a respectable hospital, it’s talked about openly.
It was a real struggle at first, between Hermione’s pregnancy and her hospital, to get everything running smoothly, but we did it. Now it’s not only seen as a respectable hospital, it’s talked about openly.

If was me that sent me to bed, I either went completely clothed or completely unclothed.
If it was me that sent me to bed, I either went completely clothed or completely unclothed.

Dressing was quick, I was out of my room and into the cafeteria within minutes, grabbing a cup of coffee and a bowl of fruit before sitting down at an empty table and waiting for my copy of The Prophet to drop on my table.
Dressing was quick. I was out of my room and into the cafeteria within minutes, grabbing a cup of coffee and a bowl of fruit before sitting down at an empty table and waiting for my copy of The Prophet to drop on my table.
or
I dressed quickly. I was out of my room and into the cafeteria within minutes, grabbing a cup of coffee and a bowl of fruit before sitting down at an empty table and waiting for my copy of The Prophet to drop on my table.

What was I going to do now? Killing Snape had been my goal for so long I wasn’t sure what to do now.
What was I going to do now? Killing Snape had been my goal for so long that I didn't know.
or
What was I going to do now? Killing Snape had been my goal for so long that I had no goals beyond it.
or
What was I going to do now? Killing Snape had been my goal for so long. If Snape was dead, I had nothing to do anymore at all.

What would I do now that there’s nothing left.
What would I do now that there was nothing left?
I'd go ahead and right out was, my mind wants to make there's into there is, which is the wrong tense.

I'll be reading the next part as well. Let me know if you want me to reread/rerate any of these after revisions. Happy Revisions!
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Review by M
Rated: E | (4.0)
I've enjoyed reading the second part of your story. I was amused by the initial incident in the morning when Ted sees Rona. That was an interesting little moment. ;) I hope I can make some suggestions which will be helpful to you. Overall I found this section to be less polished then the last. My suggestions for improvements follow.

Rona was walking through the hall with her breakfast tray from the cafeteria when John and Ned had entered.
Rona was walking through the hall with her breakfast tray from the cafeteria when John and Ned entered.

The briefing was scheduled for 10 that morning in the chaukboard room, so John and Ned grabbed some coffee and donuts in the cafeteria before the meeting.
The briefing was scheduled for 10 that morning in the chalkboard room, so John and Ned grabbed some coffee and donuts in the cafeteria before the meeting.

He could have retired from service gracefully, but he never married and had no one to share his remaining years in retirement
He could have retired from service gracefully, but he never married and had no one to share his remaining years with.

The others were instructed where to go whether it was for a new project or report for schooling in a specialized field.
The others were instructed where to go, whether it was for a new project or to report for schooling in a specialized field.

The agents who received project assignments were usually ushered to private rooms for final tech talks and given orders as to exactly where they will be going in order to keep security at a premium even among their own agents.
The agents who received project assignments were usually ushered into private rooms for final tech talks and given orders regarding exactly where they were going in order to keep security at a premium even among their own agents.

“I’m going to be part of a team scheduled to scour areas for looting and sabotage in and around a major portion of Narrow Island.” I’ll be off on the mission in a couple of days.
“I’m going to be part of a team scheduled to scour areas for looting and sabotage in and around a major portion of Narrow Island. I’ll be off on the mission in a couple of days."

Some sections lie at the bottom of the ocean floor, and some parts are on the ocean shelf.
Some sections were at the bottom of the ocean floor, and some parts were on the ocean shelf.

“Oh, they’re fine, John answered. “My parents were soon settled into a semi-retirement home. They are in their middle 80s now. Actually, they were sent to one of those assisted living apartments where seniors, although feeble of age, but witty in mind could still fend for themselves and socialize. All that was needed was help with meals delivered to them as well as medical supplies. Caring personnel would look in on them frequently. They have transportation to and fro to shopping malls, doctors, entertainment, and much more. The grounds have all the amenities that they desired, such as a meeting hall, an exercise room, a massage parlor, a beauty salon, and whatever was necessary for their comfort.”
“Oh, they’re fine," John answered. “My parents were soon settled into a semi-retirement home. They are in their middle 80s now. Actually, they were sent to one of those assisted living apartments where seniors, feeble of age, but witty in mind could still fend for themselves and socialize. All that they needed was meals and medical supplies delivered to them. Caring personnel look in on them frequently. They have transportation to and fro to shopping malls, doctors, entertainment, and much more. The grounds have all the amenities that they desired, such as a meeting hall, an exercise room, a massage parlor, a beauty salon, and whatever was necessary for their comfort.”

It would be a choice of life vastly different than that on earth, and that would be a good thing if the predictions of the cosmologists and other experts hold on to their convictions that one day the earth will not be suitable for life.
It would be a choice of life vastly different from that on earth. That would be a good thing, if the predictions cosmologists and other experts held proved to be correct and one day the earth would not be suitable for life.

Construction was already in progress, although it would be many years before the work is completed.
Construction was already in progress, although it would be many years before the work was completed.

Remember these are just my suggestions, there may be other ways to fix the problem areas that are more your style. I noticed a number of problems with tense in this section. Keep an eye out for changes in tense. Make sure they only happen when you want them to. Happy Revisions!

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Review by M
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is the beginning of an interesting story about a woman who is doing work which is still considered "men's work" in her society. I think this first section can be divided into 2 parts. One is the interaction between to of her male coworkers, a man who doesn't think she belongs on their team and one who does. The fact that they are friends makes this interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing if and how they resolve their opinions.

Interestingly this part seems more polished then the next section. The following is my only suggestion:

Comma between two independent clauses before a conjunction:
It’s dangerous, and only a man should do it.

The next area is about Rona herself. I suggest you do a reread of this section as well, to check for trouble areas I may have missed. There are just little things having to do with the flow of the sentences which are a bit awkward. Here are the areas I caught, and the changes I'd suggest.

Rona was a flaming redhead with limbs to die for on her 5’2’ frame.

Rona was a flaming redhead with limbs to die for on her 5’2" frame.

Luckily, at the time, Rona, stayed behind to finish out some final exams that were required by students that didn’t attend school, but were tutored by parents or other eligible guardians.

Luckily, at the time, Rona stayed behind to finish some final exams that were required for students that didn’t attend school, but were tutored by parents or other eligible guardians.

Rona was so proud to learn of this, and blurted out “They should have told me. I never suspected anything.” Shaking with emotion and with tears in her eyes, Rona sobbed, Oh, Oouko, I want to be like you. I want to serve for the good and justice of the world.

Rona was so proud to learn of this, and blurted out, “They should have told me. I never suspected anything.” Shaking with emotion, tears in her eyes, Rona sobbed, "Oh, Oouko, I want to be like you. I want to serve for the good and justice of the world.

Gaushu did his best to dissuade her, but Rona was persistent in her choice of career. Finally, her guardian gave up and then became fastidious in teaching his beautiful foster daughter everything he knew about the work he was so devoted to all his life.

Gaushu did his best to dissuade her, but Rona was persistent in her choice of career. Finally, her guardian gave up and became fastidious in teaching his beautiful foster daughter everything he knew about the work he'd been so devoted to all his life.

I hope that this review will be helpful to you as you revise. Happy Revisions!

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Review of Sisters  
Review by M
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful, heart touching story about your dogs. As a pet owner, I really enjoyed this. It was great fun to hear about some of the adventures Puppy and Snoopy had while living with your family. It's such a good thing your son brought them home so that they could continue to live out their lives!

I have a few suggestions for revisions which I hope will be helpful to you.

For:
They loved children and were very tolerant to the playful antics of little tots.
I suggest:
They loved children and were very tolerant of the playful antics of little tots.

For:
At first, they would be content to stay inside our fenced property, which is set upon a half acre of land.
I suggest:
At first, they were content to stay inside our fenced property, which is set upon a half acre of land.

For:
At the same time, my daughter-In-law came home from work, and we both rushed to help the dog. We tried desperately to release the dog from her predicament, but she was too heavy for both of us.
I suggest:
At the same time, my daughter-In-law came home from work, and we both rushed to help the dog. We tried desperately to release Snoopy from her predicament, but she was too heavy for both of us.

For:
My son was successful, however, to get them to go into the garage that was at the back of our property.
I suggest:
My son was successful, however, in getting them into the garage that was at the back of our property.

For:
They were then 18 years old at the time.
I suggest either:
They were then 18 years old.
or:
They were 18 years old at the time.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with Snoopy and Puppy. Reading about them was very enjoyable!

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Review of Suburban Vex Life  
Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This one is very nearly perfect and I approached the end thinking that I wouldn't be able to give you any advice at all. I almost rated it a 5 despite the few toubles I caught, but I think a 5 really should mean ready to publish, so I stopped myself.

For your revision, you should consider the present tense in the ending. I think it's in a good place, but it took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting the switch. I think I understand why you chose it, but I'm not sure if I agree with it. The change in tense is less important then these two minor changes:

So close to approaching him, giddy at the notion that he may actually want her to.

to should be too

Her youth and vitality seemed to evaporate completely with his question, like drops of water on a hot pan.{/r}

For this one I have no suggestion and if it were in my own work I suspect it would bother me to no end. It's not technically incorrect, but as you read it feels wrong. As all of the text around it is present tense it feels like a break from the tense, however, it is correctly past tense. He did question her a moment before and that happened in her past, just a moment ago. So what am I saying? I'm not entirely sure, I just feel obligated to point the sentence out.

Thank you for the great read, happy revisions!
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Review of Suburban Vex Life  
Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This one is very nearly perfect and I approached the end thinking that I wouldn't be able to give you any advice at all. I almost rated it a 5 despite the few toubles I caught, but I think a 5 really should mean ready to publish, so I stopped myself.

For your revision, you should consider the present tense in the ending. I think it's in a good place, but it took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting the switch. I think I understand why you chose it, but I'm not sure if I agree with it. The change in tense is less important then these two minor changes:

So close to approaching him, giddy at the notion that he may actually want her to.

to should be too

Her youth and vitality seemed to evaporate completely with his question, like drops of water on a hot pan.

For this one I have no suggestion and if it were in my own work I suspect it would bother me to no end. It's not technically incorrect, but as you read it feels wrong. As all of the text around it is present tense it feels like a break from the tense, however, it is correctly past tense. He did question her a moment before and that happened in her past, just a moment ago. So what am I saying? I'm not entirely sure, I just feel obligated to point the sentence out.

Thank you for the great read, happy revisions!
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for inviting me back to read and review this. I really enjoyed it. I'll answer your direct questions first and then give you the rest of my review.

1) Is it really a story?
Yes, it is. It has a plot, it is a story.

2) Does the story tone shift noticeably between the first and middle sections and the middle and the end?
I didn't notice a shift in tone at all.

3) Does the ending really do anything?
I liked the ending, although I was left wondering if Carrie Lena would pursue this unusual boy or go back to her old, more comfortable ways. It might be effective to explore that, not too much, but briefly. I think the ending serves to show that some boys are actually different, and Travis is one of them. I also think it shows that Carrie Lena is as much a victim of herself as the boys she dates.

Now, for the rest of my review. I noticed right away that you expected this to read as a southern humor piece. While I occasionally chuckled I didn't find it to be especially humorous. It is definitely small town and a great story about how Carrie Lena, handles and forms relationships.

A small typo:
close enough that she could feel the heat of her leg on hers
close enough that she could feel the heat of his leg on hers

I like the way the story begins with Carrie Lena in control and end with a total upturning of all she knows. It's ironic that the only boy she's ever actually felt anything for happens to be the one to totally baffle her.

Thank you for the opportunity to read this. I really enjoyed it.

Happy Revisions!
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Review of Silence  
Review by M
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You've done a beautiful job on this one. I found one sentence in the entire story which needs attention, but other than that it seemed perfect to me. I was so sad in the end. I really hoped Jared would get the opportunity to get closer to Damon, but the more I read the less likely it seemed. It's so frustrating! At any rate, in this sentence:

Still, she wasn't my main concern, which dubious honor went to Damon

There is something missing. I'll leave it to you to decide how to fix it, as I think you'll see the problem when you read it. If not let me know and I'll further explain myself.

Thank you for writing this beautiful story and putting it up where I could read it. It's really made a great start for my day!

-M
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Review of The Kiss  
Review by M
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm really impressed with your short, and I enjoyed reading it. It fits well with the romance theme and as far as I can see you've done a great job of avoiding the words for the contest.

I only gave it a 4.5 for a single reason. It doesn't seem to be a story so much as a lovely scene from the beginning or middle of one. While it's very well written, and might count as flash fiction, I can't really pick out all the components of plot.

Good luck with the competition! I think I might try creating a piece for it myself. Happy writing. :)
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I came here straight from your first Chapter, once again you did a fantastic job and Hermione seems much more rational this morning. ;) I still think more emotion in the first Chapter would be good but I think I might understand why you left it out as Hermione seems fairly confused about her feelings regarding Draco.

Things I really liked about this chapter:
1) Hermione really sounded herself. It felt like coming back to reality for her and I.
2) It had a confusing disjointed feel in an area where I think Hermione was feeling confused as well.

Things I think could use some work.
1) When Madame Pomfrey comes on the scene I think she's acting rather strangely. Does Hermione think so to? I think it might be good to mention if she does.
2) You might mention this in the next chapter, but what is Hermione thinking/feeling after taking the medicine? Does it work immediately or does she have time to wonder about why she was given a sleeping potion?

Thank you for writing such a fun fic, I hope to read more.
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think this is very well written. I didn't see much to correct by way of grammar or spelling. I stopped to read it because the idea of Draco and Hermione intrigued me. Although it was an enjoyable read I didn't find myself convinced and that's where I think the story could be most improved.

Since Hermione seems to be your focal character in this chapter it might help to tell more about her feelings. When she first realizes that figure is Draco does her heart race? Is she worried about why he might be limping? Does she try to guess why Draco is in the halls? Does she hope that this time, for a change, he doesn't make her cry alone in bed at night?

There are many more opportunities for you to show more of her emotions so that your readers can really feel Hermione's feelings. Another good one would be the moment when he fell to the ground. Did she stare at him for a moment, confused? Did her heart stop or speed again making it difficult to think? If you tell the readers some of those things I think you'll really have them hooked.

You have a great start here and I'm going right on to the next Chapter to see what happens next. I hope you'll do a revision and add some more details and feeling. It will make a great fic, even better!
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Review by M
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Since this is something you thought up you may have simply written it as quickly as you could to get the idea down. I've rated it on the assumption that I'm rating an idea, not a fully written short story. I think overall it's an interesting concept, a tale told by a hero about his own birth. When you sit down to work on it again, these are the things I'd focus on.

1) Decide on a tense for the story. You begin in the present, then move to past then you move back to present tense. You'll want to maintain the past tense until you go back to the time of the Paladin if you ever do so.

2) Watch for sentences that begin with and. You should avoid beginning a sentence with and if at all possible.

Good luck on your rewrite!
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Review of Victory  
Review by M
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an amazing little piece of flash fiction and I'm making the assumption you've completed it. It feels complete and although there is very little plot it's effective.

As it's fanfiction anyone from the target audience knows exactly what's going on. It would have trouble standing on its own, without all of the information "everyone knows" as fans of HP.

I especially liked:
1) The presence of the dementors and their activities
2) The smiles that did not reach their eyes
3) The award of points to Gryffindor

For improvements I'd suggest:
1) Some explanation for why the presence of dementors doesn't bother Harry or make him uncomfortable
2) A little emotion from Harry, he never seems as rigid as Snape to me

Right now it's more like poetry than a story, and I like that, it's very unique.
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Review by M
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello Goku, it looks like you put a lot of time and effort into writing The Night Before Christmas. It's a great rough draft! I hope I can give you some advice that will help you make it even better.

First, take some time to think about your character the Golden One. Why does he dislike Santa and want to stop him? What does he look like? Most people already have an idea of what Santa looks like, but they don't know the Golden One, so help them get to know him by describing him more. You might even want to describe Evil Tim since he talks a lot.

The last thing to do which will help make your story even better is to imagine you are Santa and write how he reacts sometimes, like when he gets caught in the bag, does he wiggle? Does he scream? What would you do and is that what he would do too? If so then write it, if not write what he would do.

I hope this helps you make a good story even better. Happy writing!
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Review by M
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is really a very interesting piece and well written as well. It's written from a unique perspective and really made me think about things which I've never considered before.

The use of writing in the now is very effective but feels occasionally akward. The two occasions I felt this were when the memories of college surface and during the discusion of the main characters, father's death. I'm uncertain of what made those moments awkward, it was like all of a sudden I really noticed that it was written in the present. The flow stopped for a moment. I wish I could be more specific.

While it's up to the author in the end to decide if a sentence needs to begin with and or but these days I think it would be wise to cut down on your usage of such sentences. The best rule of thumb is to ask yourself if the sentence would still sound right without and or but at the beginning of it. In my opinion many of them would. I think you could drop that first word without loosing the overall feel of the piece and that would make it more publishable.

While you make it clear that he doesn't feel physically I get the impression he does emotionally. After all, he mentions that the most terrible thing is being almost dead. I almost agreed with him, but I wasn't quite convinced. I think he should show a bit more emotion to help readers feel what makes this terrible. What is the worst part? Is it not being able to move or feel? Is it having nothing to do? Is it being helpless, lonely, out of touch?

Lastly there is one sentence which is very akward:

And it may have been the last time that when somebody asked me what I wanted to do, I felt like I had choices.

You could try adding a comma between that and when, but I'd try experimenting with different wording to find something which flows a bit better in general.

I hope I've been helpful, as you were with my short!
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