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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maigonouma
Review Requests: OFF
52 Public Reviews Given
81 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Open and unstructured. Train of thought.
I'm good at...
Dialogue
Favorite Genres
Anything for the most part.
Least Favorite Genres
Happy happy feel good stuff.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Religious
I will not review...
Mary Sues, outwardly religious works, but other than that...
Public Reviews
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well done! I like your choices of great accomplishments. The dialogue is well done. Jonathan's voice is strong here. Just remember to temper it with Torey's, he has a voice too. He may be confused, but he has a voice. The wife knew about the under the bed monster which is nice. I think, well if she doesn't wake him, do we need her. She muddies up the narrative. I like J. waking him. Nice tale though and great job at working with your characters.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nicely done! I withdraw my tepid attempt. I laughed aloud once I saw what was going on. Your use of all the eggy words is fantastic. Very clever, very engaging and a nice quaint little read. Thanks for posting.
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Review of Miss Beazley  Open in new Window.
Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ha ha I liked this a lot. Nice action and descriptions and what a name for a cat. Good job.
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Review of Red Tails  Open in new Window.
Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice work and welcome to the site. Hope to see more like this.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Love the title! Ok. This is a truly surreal reading experience. I'm not sure what to say. It is quite different. The descriptions are bold and unique. That uniqueness seems to work for you, as you have made it your own. I need to read it again. The voices are some what muddled at times though. I would advise working to separate the through indvidualistic dialogue styles. What hampered me the most was the enormous amount of white space between the chapters. Unless it is there to ad illustrations I would recommend tightening it up a lot. It's distracting.

The characters: Charlie, Charles, Anne, Sarah, I kept losing track of them. I'm not sure if it's me or that the work is so different. I would advise looking hard at making certain the reader knows who is who.

I did not read for grammar. That will take me time because I am horrible with it. Off hand it didn't look dreadful. There were some word choices I'd check and I will do it when I read it again.

I think you have something here that merits working with. It has such a strange mood to it. It is creative and intelligent. Well done and I will get back to it as soon as possible.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Besa is already struggling. A nice brisk, believable start to her tale and as she even notes not wholly unexpected. My problem is why does she wait so long before casting her spell and when did she become a witch. It is not in your intro. It changes the odds. generally speaking it is well written. The pacing is good and descriptions adequate. Be careful with verb use. "Her leg draws back, and suddenly she's kicking dirt.." She draws he leg back...and why that punishment? Anyway I like that she is an underdog and that her motivation to get the chalice is for a good cause. I am not fit to check grammar and punctuation so i won't short of cautioning about passive phrases. Strong verb use creates strong action...Good luck and thanks for sharing.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a unique twist on the prompt. I just wonder if Besa is up to the task. Love for her child will be a very strong motivator and her wily ways may need to reappear and get her through as she has no martial training. She will need to curb her recklessness to survive and refocus it into stealthy attacks. Good start. I enjoyed it thanks.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A nicely wrought character. Jaren is a good name as well. I like that he is blind it adds mystery to him. The cards are a nice touch. fate i suppose will lead him in search of the chalice, but I would have liked to have seen his motivation described a bit. The description of the bar maid and his interaction with her is exemperlry. My only thought would be her name. Fela; at first I thought it was a mis-spelling for fella... it made it read awkwardly. Careful with your word choice. REMISS means lack of care. HESITANT might work better. I am not suited for correcting grammar and punctuation so I won't. You seem to have very few errors though. He stutters; be careful with that. Readers will go bonkers reading the stuttering written out. I had that happen once. Show it but use it sparingly.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)

Overall Impression:
You have good details about Dafyd and his home. I still feel he is a bit young. The introduction of Dafyd into the quest with the injured bird is strong. I like the bird actually it rends me of the Oroborus series by Eddison. Nice touch.


Plot:
Kids try and help teacher learn about her sister’s fate and end up embroiled in the Dolmar Mabethian conflict. All ok but they are just kids.


Style and Voice:
The characters are kids but they are not kids from your local middle school. I found the voice a bit modern or current at times, a constant voice is important.


Scene/Setting:
The castle is described well.


Characters:
Dafyd is young. Even with limited magic I wonder how he’ll get by fighting but the intrigues of human court. Goblins are goblins but the affairs of man…


Dialog:
For the most part great. Brendora felt too school girly, too current to me for someone of her education level.


Grammar and Mechanics:
Not my strong suit. I wonder about the action surrounding dialogue. Some of the spacing and punctuation seems off but the conventions for this are all over the place.


Suggestions:
Check grammar and punctuation, solidify the character’s voices and plot out how a 14 year old on a big bird will survive his mission.
Thanks
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dafyd seems to be an interesting lad. I like the description of his land and religion. I think he seems a tad young but...Why was he changed into a more likable person? How will that adventure help him seek the Chalice?
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm glad to see he's a bit older. I would have liked to have seen a bit more description for him. Nine and training himself? I just have difficulty with this concept and I keep seeing it time and again. Nine and struggling to grub some food, sneak round and not be caught, steal from dwellings but assassin training? I don't know. aside from that he seems mildly interesting.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)

Overall Impression:
You begin well introducing the scene in the tavern but then slip into a stream of awkward actions and descriptions. It is as if you got into a rush to finish.


Plot:
Taizves it out for loot so he will join the hunt.


Style and Voice:
When focused actually quite good. But try to maintain the voice.

Scene/Setting:
Again when focused it is very good but slacks off from time to time.


Characters:
Elf, loner, good fighter but how is it these guys seem to be able to train themselves?


Dialog:
With the bartender ok. I’m not sure how much of the phonetic spelling a reader will tolerate though. With the woman you slip a bit perhaps hurrying.


Grammar and Mechanics:
Not my strong suit but there are some rocky spots.


Suggestions:
Double check for grammar issues such as passive voice and the use of action around dialogue.

Thanks
13
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Overall Impression:
I like this a lot. Dorian is a great character and your development is coming along very nicely.

Plot:
Dorian seeking the demise of both kingdoms is a strong twist. That he so readily plays them against one another makes him a formidable opponent.

Style and Voice:
Well done and consistent. The men’s contempt for the pompous lord is brought out and conversely Dorian’s is well hidden per his attributes.


Scene/Setting:
The hunt is an excellent way to open this up. Your attention to detail when describing the hounds and your word choice when describing the hunt is a pleasurable delight compared to the typically flat works one reads.


Characters:
I like Dorian. He is icly frightening and I have a sense that he almost fears the depth of his own callouness a little bit. Life has hardened him, taken away what he loved and offered, because of his desires, no replacement other than his thirst for revenge. I question only his age. I see he mature quite young but he just seems to be an old soul.


Dialog:
You do very well here. The banter between the men is perfectly weighted with derision, commands, and obedience.


Grammar and Mechanics:
Not my strong suit. I saw some spots where action was intermingled with dialogue, but it seems that convention concerning this varies greatly. While I like the headings for each section/Paragraph I wonder if breaking it in such a way doesn’t kill the pace of the hunt. If maybe the titles could be incorporated into the first sentence rather than like a title. The pacing is great I hate to see it disturbed.


Suggestions:
Double check for grammar and punctuation. Be aware that many readers are put off by excessive detail when they are not informed on the subject and will grow bored. Other than that great job, good luck and thanks for a great read.
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Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well done. I especially love his name. It is easy to pronounce, and remember. Dorian is young though. So many of the contest entries are very young. I like how you developed his village and family so completely. His grief and despair at losing his family is portrayed well. Having a gay character is difficult. I actually was not certain they would allow it. It adds depth to Dorian and fuels his edginess. His desire to destroy the feuding countries is stregnthened possibly by his exclusion due to his feelings. It is a great lever. I also admire his honesty. he seeksthe Chalice to destroy both, cultures and has zereo reservations about admitting it. Thanks for a great character.
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Review of CLASH!  Open in new Window.
Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Overall Impression:
Great start very strong overall. Linna is a formidable character and well on her way to success. She is BIG. Wow. The fact that she is out for herself makes her very strong and unlikely to be swayed by other folk’s opinions.


Plot:
Beautifully simplistic. Bounty hunter out for bounty. I wonder how Linna’s benevolence will play out though if the Chalice is to be used for battle and killing innocents. Will she falter?


Style and Voice:
Both strong and well done.


Scene/Setting:
Deftly written. Good descriptions.


Characters:
Linna will be an interesting character. Again I wonder if she ran from formal fighting due to civilian deaths how will she reconcile handing over the Chalice.


Dialog:
Not very much so far but what is there is ok. My only remark would be:
“Do that again!" she cried. "Do it! Come on, I dare you!" Seems a little too weak for her.


Grammar and Mechanics:
Not my strong suit. Some word choice decisions: In the first sentence AS should be LIKE that would be a proper simile, also maybe CREATING instead of MAKING. The stronger the verb the better. Further on MORE STEALTHY is quite awkward. STEALTHIER is correct.


Suggestions:
Keep her voice strong and don’t fall prey to plot driven scenarios. She is a good character us her to her strongest intent. Keep up the great descriptive work. Thanks.
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Review of Homecoming  Open in new Window.
Review by rothalion Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Good job. It starts off a bit bumpy but once you found your stride the tale move well. I enjoyed the tension Shelia felt recalling her new found lust so to speak. You managed to clash them together with a subtle sensuousness. Thanks!
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