Hello there, Rocky Mountain Kid
RE: Your Introduction to your novel entitled: ANGELICA
A review for: THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
Reviewed by: writeartista
My immediate impression:
You are headed in the right path to novel writing. You chose a topic that is closest to your heart; something drawn from your own personal experiences, and about someone you know so well, admire, respect, and perhaps, even love. For this reason, your words ring true in my ear.
How the writing made me feel:
Astonished that a 16-year old can write as well as this. I sense a child in your voice, yet I detect a lot of maturity and sensitivity as well. You made me want to know who this Angelica is, and how you've come to admire her so much to write a novel about her.
Did the plot interest me?
Absolutely. The protagonist (Christine)comes from a broken family. Her mother may be somewhat selfish and controlling. The father lost his job, but still pays child support even though there's joint custody of the children. He meets a remarkable woman (Angelica) who banishes his loneliness, but then she mysteriously disappears, or does she? At this point, we don't know. From this short introduction, the author manages to captivates my interest, and I definitely would want to read on.
About the believability of the characters:
It's too early at this point to make that any determination, but, so far, so good.
What I liked most:
It's hard to choose, but this ending really made me want to read more. There is a certain quality of mystery about Angelica, and I want to see the unveiling of that mystery. "It is not unusual for Angelica to be gone for weeks, but she always called everyday. She lives in California. We live in Colorado. I miss her when she's not here with us.
What I would change in this piece:
Nothing. At least, not at this point.
My final thought about this piece:
The author's bioblog indicates that Angelica taught her how to write better; since then, this high school student has been getting A's and B's" in English. Angelica taught her well.
You do know your music. Reading this piece is like reading a review by a music critic. Well done.
I am not a big fan of the Beatles, but I like some of their songs, and I agree with you that they shouldn't re remixed. "That's tantamount to "improving" a Van Gogh or Picasso." Good analogy.
Hey, former Hoosier! How 'bout them Colts, eh? I bet you were glued to your seat (assuming you're a fan) throughout the game. I lived in Indiana for a while, so I am a big fan. It's been a long, long time, but they finally made it to the Super Bowl and win the championship!
Okay, this is WDC, so let's talk about your Prologue to your novel entitled "A Heart's Home." Your first paragraph drew me in immediately because of your mention of Indiana and Texas--two states (among several) where I've spent a good deal of my life. How can you say "I don’t remember any sunsets before I came to Texas. In Indiana, they must have all been some unmemorable shade that escapes me somehow." Some of the most beautiful and polychromatic sunsets I've seen in my life were in the Indiana sky. Or, maybe that was the time when I was falling deeply in love; after all, "love is where the sunsets are."
Anyway, this is a great beginning to what I can see now is a well-written novel. I'm a sunset chaser myself, and I found your vivid description of sunset beautifully done. I liked the part about the grandma, and sorry she died so early in the story.
Your writing style is like watching the sunset slowly sink in the horizon. Great job. I look forward to reading more and see what happens to her love life in a Texas ranch.
You have quite an impressive list of members here, some of whom I've reviewed before. I already belong to other groups, I wonder if you're still accepting new members; if so, I would like to be a part of WDC's Angels Army.
Reading this emotional pieced gave me the shivers, causing my skin to resemble that of a plucked goose's skin. You almost saved Tim's life; for a while, you did, but it was his time to be touched by God's hand, and he died in the ambuland on the way to the hospital.
This poem exhibited your nursing abilities, and I am getting to know you more and more through your kind, loving and sympathetic words.
Once in a while something happens in our lives involving another human being that though brief in time will forever be etched in our hearts and memories. Your brief experience with Tim will forever be in yours. And this poem about him will immortalize his memory in your readers' minds.
I couldn't wait to open your PDF file as soon as I read your short description of the screenplay/movie. And from the moment I read the beginning, I was instantly consumed, and couldn't stop reading until I got to the end. I felt as if I were watching an Alfred Hitchcock movie, or an episode in "The Twilight Zone." Terrific job in transporting me to that awesome realm.
I don't have children so I don't know much about these gadgets to monitor the sounds coming from the baby's room. It sounds like an excellent invention, but, geez, I hope none of them can produce such horrifying experience for the young couples out there. I loved the ending. It sounds like "Baby Monitor II" is forthcoming.
I found a few typos, but no biggy. I'm sure you'll find them during editing.
Best wishes re your first novel posting in WDC (A MULTI-LEVELED PLANET), and this is my review of your PROLOGUE, set in Phoenix Arizona, year 2012.
I am a cave afficionado; therefore, the basic premise to your novel intrigued me. I am curious as to how you're going to carry this out.
The major problem I see at this time in your writing is grammar and punctuation, with emphasis on the latter. By now, you've probably been made aware of this by your earlier reviewers, so I'm not going to inundate you with corrections.
May I suggest that you visit some Internet sites on grammar and use of punctuation; for example, this one:
You've been on my long list of WDC favorites since I can remember. Although I may not have exchanged many R&R's with you, those that we've had are extremely valuable to me. You've been a very good reviewer and I always appreciate your comments.
It's always nice to get to know the people you admire through autobiographical pieces like this one. I'm glad that you posted it, now I have a better image and understanding of you when I read your stories or blogs.
Thanks for sharing a part of yourself to us here at WDC.
Maria
P.S.: From one CSI fan to another: that was a great episode last night. What's up with Grissom and Sarah? They were barely there last night.
What a wonderful way to express your love and tenderness toward the man in your life for 39 years. Congratulations on your anniversary of togetherness, which, from your message, I could see lasting to eternity. I love your lyrics. You always manage to capture your innermost sentiment in all its simplicity. As I read this, Josh Groban's "You Lift Me Up" seemed to play in the background.
I agree with all the reviewers who've rated this 5.0. It's perfect. I saw the memory in my mind's eye, I felt the anguish in the author's heart. This is a beautiful poem; it tugs at the heart. I admire this family of writers, for they write to express, and we're impressed.
I am a fan of your work, as well as Lisa's work. You are both inspiring. It's always hard to find anything to criticize (objectively, of course), and I rejoice at finding even mere punctuation issues in your stories, as follows:
"Remember," she said just yesterday<,>(.) "Once,millions of our kind existed, so said the Seer. We shall see those numbers again.
Denk refused to listen<,>(.)
We reach the safety of the cave<,>(delete)where the mist cannot penetrate, and we count.
This is very interesting and well written. As always, I look forward to reading more of your award-winning stories.
I enjoyed reading this, and didn't much as much to comment on as your "Sorry Just Isn't Enough." I will list below a few of my comments, which are enclosed in parentheses. These are mere suggestions and not at all negative criticisms of your work.
I think you have some punctuation issues; for example, in this sentence, you should add a comma where noted in (). "It was during long walks by the river that he had fallen in love with Barbara, dear Barbara(,) she was nothing like that bitch back at the rented apartment."
All cheerful she said(,) “move up please,
But she’s coming around”. (period comes before the quotation mark)
she enquired. (inquired; better, just say 'asked')
“The wedding's next week(.)”
your itchy feet will remain in one place(.)”
“All my life?” He said, turning and looking puzzled. (Better with this: "he exclaimed with puzzlement."
“Yes, all your life(,) you stupid man – he’s yours!”
Nice surprise there in the end. Is this a true story? You didn't say so.
I note that you have been busy writing. Good for you. Thanks for the auto-rewards.
This certainly is a "drama within a drama" as you described it. It doesn't seem to be a complete story, however, and I think it needs more work. My comments are in ( ), and these are mere suggestions. Hope they help in some way.
She looked at him and slowly said(,)“Thank you Thank you Jim for everything(.)”
she drifted away into semi(no space)consciousness.
peaceful serenity (redundant)
Jim stepped to the side this two hands pointing and clapping Sadie. (Replace with the following: "Jim stepped to the side, pointing and clapping at Sadie."
The girl skipped back to her Mum who you could see was standing in the wings. (Replace with this: "The girl skipped back to her Mom who stood in the wings.")
he really felt he got though (through) to them
Her hand started to stroke his cheek. (Better this way: "Her hand strokeed his cheek."
He didn’t reply; maybe he couldn’t speak. He just nodded. (Better this way: "He nodded, seeming unable to speak.")
I have been there, to that famous Anglesey tourist trap town of "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch"
I remember that it was really clean.
I ejoyed this a lot. Very entertaining. I could almost imagine you scrubbing away like a Trojan while singing at the same time.
Right away, I was captivated by your opening. Who wouldn't be when the subject is money--lots of it, and it keeps showing up in her dreams. This is an entertaining piece.
Reading this is like reading a long piece condensed into a short story. What's nice is that I didn't to wait a long time to find out where the "real" money was coming from.
Very good job. Your writing style is clear and crisp; no wasted word. I liked this very much.
Writeartista's review of David Gere's "A Long Ways From Iowa"
10-26-06
Good job on the dialogue assignment. You've portrayed a very realistic sscene, and your dialogue is crisp and believable. I've actually heard some people argue this way during a country road trip.
I don't get the ending. It must be a midwestern kind of joke.
I found some mistakes, as follows:
She knew her flaming red hair, petite figure and youthful looks were all sources of immense pride to <her> him.
(Delete her)
“Look there’s a <crossroads> coming up,” she said
(Should the word be crossroad?)
Writeartista's review of JA Powell's "Golden"
10-26-06
This brought back the sensationalism of Dr. Kervokian's assisted suicide work. Our society remains committed to the fundamental belief that ending the life of another person is morally wrong, not to mention illegal. But more and more, we hear of people favoring euthanacia to terminate the endless and painful suffering of the sick. There are those who lobby toward the legalization of euthanacia, but how can we measure the boundary between euthanacia and senseless killing or suicide?
One thing nice about your story is the true love between the man and the woman -- still great after 50 years.
Very nice dream and conclusion. How does one critique a story like this? I tend to focus on the story and the inspiration it brings, ignoring the technical aspects of it. Good job.
I is such a pleasure to come across this piece of literature. I've never been to Cambridge, but you convinced me that it's a lovely city. Your description of the athmosphere around the colleges transported me there and enjoyed the ambiance (where "flowers bloom in the riverside gardens, the sun sparkles off the glass windows of the Bridge of Sighs and dances on the surface of the river Cam.")
Just reading this article makes me feel the "general air of scholarly well-being," in the writer, who, unbelievably, is only 17 years old. But perhaps, not so unbelievable considering that his grandfather is a respected intellectual who maintains close ties to many of the top universities in Britain and the USA.
Thanks for the river-tours-by-punt, and the lesson on your belief that the punt was, in fact, invented by God, as a means of celebrating ethnic diversity. Well, my ancestors discovered new lands in the Pacific by rowing their canoes. Do these vessels also count as God's invention to celebrate ethnic diversity?
The whole story is an enjoyable read, well-written and well-presented. Congratulations! I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is hilarious. You painted a very clear picture here about Jack's predicament with his dog and his dog's poop. I was a little disappointed about the ending, though, and I will explain that later. Here are my comments:
Your text: Just when were in front of Sam Jimenez's house,
My comment: Change 'were' to 'we were'
Your text: "Okay, Jack," began the conversation I had with myself. "Let's assess the situation. You're soaking wet, your left hand is covered in dog poop, and the plastic bag and the pile of poop are still on the sidewalk. Your tax return is still in your back pocket, dry and unsullied. All is not yet lost. Calm yourself."
My comment: I think it would look better if, instead of quotation marks, you italicize the internal dialogue. The quotes give the impression that he's actually talking to himself. And being outside, with probably some neighbors looking, Jack wouldn't want them to think that he's . . . well, you know.
Your text: A towel would be nice, but I what I really need is . . . .
My comment: Change 'but I what I really' to: 'but what I really'
Your text: She laughingly complied. It's funny how such a wonderful relationship developed from that trip to the mailbox.
My comment: What wonderful relationship? To me, you ended this a little too quickly. I think a little flirtation should be illustrated before your last paragraph.
Lastly, you didn't establish in the beginning that Jack is not married. I assumed he was a middle-aged, married man.
I've seen this article for a while, and it's jut now that I took the time to read it, and it gave me some good advice. Thank you.
I've only been an active member for a short while. Although I've given a lot of comprehensive reviews, and that I've received some excellent reviews on my novel chapters and miscellaneous writings, I haven't really gotten a lot of visitation and reviews to my porfolio. Now I understand why. I haven't taken advantage of the different ways to gain exposure. Hmm, perhaps I should enter the bidclick system; except that I don't have enough GPs yet to my credit. (Maybe I'll get some donations from generous members out there one of these days.)
Another wonderful story from you. (Other WDC members might wonder what I'm talking about since you only have one story posted here so far. Of course, they don't know that we have our own little writers group somewhere.) Anyway, I would love for you to post your other stories here. I'm sure WDC members would enjoy them.
Okay, back to your story. As usual, this is well-written and can't find much to critique, except for some nit-picking stuff, like these:
Your text: ". . . .except bark at the neighbor cats,"
My comment: Should "neighbor cats" be "neighbors' cats?"
Your text: "Well, we could save a little money if we got rid of that damn dog that your brother, Ben, left on our doorstep. He’s eating us out of house and home.”
My comment: I like the way you economize your tags, but I think this sentence needs one because it confused me. I don't know who's talking here.
Your text: "eat us out of house and home."
My comment: You used exactly the same phrase twice. Consider rewording the second one.
Your text: “Don, it looks like I was wrong about your dog. “Don, it looks like I was wrong about your dog. Tuffy not only protected our house from being burglarized, but probably saved us from harm ourselves,” smiled Don’s dad, patting the dog.
My comment: I think you should put the tag earlier in the dialogue. Ex: “Don," says Don's Dad with a smile, "it looks like I was wrong about your dog." Patting the dog, he continues, "Tuffy not only protected our house from being burglarized, but probably saved us from harm ourselves.”
Hi again. I didn't find anything new here that might be helpful to me because I've been a Google searcher for quite a while. But your article is well-written and easy to read and understand, therefore, I am sure that WDC members who are new to Google will find it very useful.
One thing I noticed about your writing style is its simplicity in expression making for a speedy read. I don't see any grammatical or spelling errors, and that's very good. I usually catch some even in the best of well-written manuscripts. This is an interesting read, a page-turner. I couldn't wait to get to the end and find a slam-bam twist. Well . . . I didn't. But it's still a nice ending.
Maria (writeartista)
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