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Review of About You  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Sandra,

Welcome to Writing.com. I found this poem in the 'Read a Newbie' section, so I'm guessing you've recently arrived on the site.

I can see this is a work in progress and you are quite right when you say it needs some work on the rhymes and rhythms. There are several places where these need work. However, I think you also need to ask yourself what you're trying to say with the poem. This type of poem should tell a story and at the moment, both the storyline and the message it is trying to convey is confused and unfocused.

It feels like you're trying to say something like: Now we've broken up you need to move on - I have, but I'll never forget the pain you caused me, you... let's say ‘nasty person’ for the sake of argument!

I'm no expert on poetry, but here are some suggestions:

Quiet your qualms,
Ease your fears,

You’ve only just hit
22 years.

The first two lines mean the same thing. How about:

Quiet your mind,
Let go of your fears.
You're not very old,
Just twenty two years.

The next section:

The days are long
And the news has past,

But soon you’d realize that at last.

The stressful days
And forgotten nights

The fears inside
you won’t let take flight.

This is rather awkward and unclear in meaning. (And ‘past’ in this sense is spelt passed.) I think what you’re trying to say is something like this:

The days may feel long
Now that I’ve gone away,
You can’t sleep at night
And you’re stressed through the day.

Our moment has passed,
But you must not let fears
Dictate how you live.
You’ve shed enough tears.

Next you have:

Put down your fist
and stand your ground,

Don’t let the world
pull you down.

Love with your heart,
Think with your mind,

Perhaps one day
they might intertwine.

Put down your fist? That’s a very strange expression. I think you mean something like ‘Put your foot down’, but it’s not really clear. It feels like you’re offering advice here, so how about something like:

Stand firm – believe.
And hold your ground.
Life isn’t over.
Don’t sink or you’ll drown.

You think with your heart.
You love with your mind.
But true love makes both
Mind and heart intertwined.

I could keep going, but I’ve run out of time. I hope my suggestions make some sort of sense. I wouldn’t want to re-write the entire poem anyway – it is yours, after all!

I hope you find Writing.com a useful place to share your work, gain feedback and interact with other writers. I don’t come here often these days, as I’m generally too busy. It is a great place to learn, though. My advice to you is to read prolifically and to keep reworking your pieces until they glow. Have fun with your writing. It’s the best way to turn it into a passion.
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Angel,

After your kind review of my piece, I thought I'd return the compliment. As I'm not much of a poet, I choose this piece of flash fiction to take a look at.

First Impressions

A good choice of incident for flash fiction. Facing fears is perfect for this sort of short story.

Technical Points

I'm going to reproduce your opening paragraph here with some suggestions, as I think your layout needs work and it would be good to get more of a sense of the fear:

I sat up, hitting my head on the bunk above mine.

'Ow!' I winced, and rubbed at the sore area, confused. Where was I? It took a moment to realise I was at summer camp. It was the first day and my room mate was already up and about.

With a sigh, I crawled out of my bed, washed and stumbled into my clothes. The cabin leader burst into our dorm, all smiles and energy.

"Up and at 'em, girls. Today we're going canoeing," she announced, drawing a cheer from the other girls.

Great, I thought. I don't suppose there's any point in explaining that I can't swim.

I finished getting ready and walked down to the lake. I kept my cool as I got into a canoe with one of my cabin mates. As we rowed out on to the water, I was pleased to notice our boat had a number 25 on the front. It was my favorite number. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

We floated across the water with only the gentle splash of the paddles disturbing the peace and I found it calming. Then it happened. My cabin mate decided it would be funny to rock the boat.

“Stop!” I cried.

He paid no attention and terror enveloped me as the canoe turned over. I screamed as I went under the water. For an instant I saw bright blue as the water swallowed me whole. I couldn't breathe. Everything turned black.

As you can see, I've turned your one paragraph into nine! I've also tried to see through the character's eyes a little more. I've written an essay on structuring short stories that you might like to skim through some time. I hope you find my suggestions useful. You can find it here: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Good work, Angel. And thanks again for the review. *Smile*
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi again. Couldn't resist another visit! *Wink*

There's no doubt about it - you write really well! It's hard to find fault with the English in this piece. The only sentence that sounded a little clumsy was:

Which is why that’s exactly what I did.

Perhaps something like:

Which is why I did just that. Or: Which is why I did exactly that.

might work a little better.

One little technical point - I was always taught that there is no space before an ellipsis...

What if there’s no such thing as karma; if birthday wishes only come true every ten years ... or all that good birthday wish energy gets saved up, and I just let that whole reserve out and emptied the tank for Jack?

Also, I felt you could have used another ellipsis right at the end:

Because after things happened for Jack in a big way off my birthday wish, all I can say is that I better get that mansion of my own next year... with a sports car in the driveway and my supermodel wife in the passenger seat.

I was taught never to start a sentence with the word 'with'. I guess that's why I would put one here.

I have to ask one question: weren't you just a little tempted to have Jack take the narrator's job? That was the twist I thought you were building up to and it didn't come. I was sort of surprised by the lack of surprise at the end!

Another super piece of writing, though. Nicely done.



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Review of wonder  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Natasha, and welcome to Writing.com.

I saw this short poem in the 'Read a Newbie' section and thought I'd just drop by and give you some feedback. The premise of this short rhyming poem is a great opener to draw folk into your portfolio, but it needs tidying up a bit for folk to appreciate it properly.

My first tip to you is to avoid the habit of using lower case i's as you might do in texting. It's a bad habit that doesn't translate well into more serious writing.

With this single verse poem, my suggestion would be to change the tense from present to future so it asks more of a question, and add some punctuation like this:

I wonder if you'll like me.
I wonder if you'll care.
I wonder if you'll you talk to me,
So I'll know you're there.

Just a suggestion. I hope it's useful. Best wishes with your writing and I hope you find this a fun place to hang out online. *Smile*

www.markrobsonauthor.com
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Review of Pet Party  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
After your email, I thought I would take a nose around your port and see what you write. I can see that I'll be back to visit your port again. You write very well and if this little piece of writing is typical of your work, then I will be back frequently.

The build up to the twist was perhaps not as subtle as it could have been, but I didn't quite guess the ending correctly, so although I saw a twist coming, I didn't know what it was. (And I had a smile on my face when I reached it.) This is a fun piece of writing with very few technical errors. I enjoyed reading it very much. Thanks for posting.

The only two little things I noticed are:

(I got her a fancy new collar for her guest of honor)

Personally I would avoid the repetition of the word 'her' here. You could easily change the second one to 'the' without losing the sense of the sentence.

(I got her a fancy new collar for the guest of honor)

I'm not going to correct your American spellings to those of the Queen's English, as I'm guessing you reside on the far side of the water. *Smile*

Also, in the final sentence of the piece (I don't want to ruin the punchline for anyone reading this review) I would put a comma after the word 'own' to complete the parenthesis around 'very own', which is how that sentence begs to be read.

Lovely piece of writing. Well done.

Mark

www.markrobsonauthor.com
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Review of Bathtub Haven  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi again, Jennie,

I was nosing around your port and I found this little gem. What a lovely story poem. I do like your choice of subject matter for the poems you write. My only problem with this one is the rhythm doesn't appear consistent. When I read the opening four lines in the 5, 6, 5, 6, syllable pattern, I expected it to carry right through the poem and I kept stalling when it didn't. The second half of the verse being 5, 5, 6, 6 and sometimes changing to 6, 4 later in the poem. I guess I just love poems that have a predictable rhythm and that flow off the tongue without any imbalances to trip up the reader.

Here's a few suggestions to make the flow more consistent in the first couple of verses:

My sweet puppy boy
Has started to cower.
If I wasn’t home
He'd hide In the shower.

I'm trying to type
As I sit at my desk.
He nuzzles and whines
Makes me think 'What a pest!'
He climbs underneath
And leans onto my feet.
There's no telling where
My legs end and we meet.

Can you feel how the rhythm works better by keeping the 5, 6 count alternating?

I've tried to keep the story flow the same, but I don't want to re-write the whole thing. That sort of defeats the object - it is your poem, after all. However, You might want to look at the other verses and count the syllables. If you struggle in setting the pattern, drop me a line and I'll try to give you a hand with any sections you're having difficulties with.

Lovely idea and great imagery in this piece again - well done.
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Review of Ominous Side  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A super poem, Jenny. Having recently discovered a dark side of myself that I had previously been unaware of, I could very much relate to the voice in the poem. My experience was very much of seeing another person in the mirror - it was most disturbing, yet it has put me on my guard, much as with your concluding lines.

The rhythm and rhyme of the poem work beautifully, but I would like to just question a couple of your choices of words:

How happened this,
Without cognition,
Had I been sleeping
All the while?

This verse seemed a bit awkward and looked to need a question mark at the end of the second line, rather than the comma. What about something like:

Did you somehow
Blind my cognition?
Have I been sleeping
All the while?

This makes the tense fit the moment of recognition as being more immediate.

Then in the next verse you used the line:

Or deliberate
To be guile?

Did you mean:

To beguile? (to entice, captivate, hypnotise? I've never seen something described 'To be guile' - to be stealthy, yes. But the way you've used guile looks strangely wrong to me. Please ignore if this was deliberate.)

This verse:

Party crasher,
Away you must go,
Destruction enough
You have done.

I kept hearing in the voice of Yoda from Star Wars! It doesn't really fit with the voice of the rest of the poem. You might want to swap the words around to a more conventional syntax:

Party crasher,
You must go away.
Enough destruction
Has been done.

Also:

That dark fete.

Did you mean:

That dark fate.

At the moment you are saying 'that black festival' or 'carnival' or 'fair', rather than 'destiny', which is what you seem to be talking about.

Your final verse makes a great conclusion, but seems to be missing a word for the English to truly flow. How about changing:

I will always,
Be aware of you,
And damage you can
Surely do.

to

I will always
Be aware of you,
And the harm you can
Surely do.

Please take or leave my comments. I'm no great poet, and I can see you have considerable skill in this area of writing. I very much enjoyed dipping into your portfolio. I'll be sure to come back and look at your work again. Keep writing - it's great stuff.
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Review of Hanakotoba  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! This poem really tells a story. I think it's really good, but I'm afraid I'm no expert on poetry, so it's hard for me to assess it on a technical level.

One little thing I noiced was the spelling of 'woosh'. I've never seen it written this way, but it may be a US spelling, as color clearly is. In my dictionary it is written as whoosh.

I very much enjoyed reading this taste of your work. Keep writing!
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Wardie,

I noticed this in the 'Review a Newbie' section. While the idea you're exploring is not a new one, I'm a big fantasy fan and the whole question of demons, angels, heaven and hell (which I know isn't necessarily fantasy, but the way you've written it, this is what it feels like) is one I find interesting.

General Observations

I found the imagery a bit sparse. Starting the story in hell, I would like to have felt the fiery furnace heat and smelt the stinking sulphur. Instead, your opening sentences tell me the plot in a pretty detached manner, which is not the best way to begin.

Again when he arrives on Earth, I would have thought he would have been overwhelmed by the smells and the gentle sounds, the soft feel of the grass and the taste of the clean air. But you don't give us any sense of this.

I'm assuming the Dad is supposed to be the devil. I would give him a very different voice from the demonic son. Try to make his phrases ring with power and evil. After all, this is Lucifer we're talking about here.

For ease of reading, you would do well to put a double space in between paragraphs.

Specific points & Trivia

How big is this demon? Can he really pick up a whole pile of bodies at once? It might be easier for the reader to envision him throwing them into the fire one at a time, picking them from a pile. Remember that he has eternity to finish the job!

"Yes, I need a good looking boy like you to lure the objective in”

You're missing a full stop at the end of the sentence.

“You leave straight away!” He announced,

The devil is not normally granted the capitalization of He. This is normally reserved for God.

I landed on thick green….. What was this?

You don't need all those dots. Three is the convention. It is called an ellipsis...

I could feel my brain filling with use-less crap.

Useless is one word. You don't need the hyphen.

I know how fast you can run, son.

This is redundant. You just said it in the previous sentence.

In conclusion, I like this sort of story, but your piece would need to be filled out with more detail, reaction and emotion from the main character for me to be fully engaged with it. The potential is there to make this the start of a great story, but it needs a lot of work.
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Brilliant! I loved this piece. You have a super style of writing that draws the reader in to feel a part of what's going on. Some of your turns of phrase sound a little strange to my ear, but that's most likely due to the fact that we live on opposite sides of the Atlantic!

I was so enthralled by your story that I didn't really notice any mistakes (if they were there to notice!) but there was one phrase that jumped out at me. You might want to consider it again:

He was just biding time.

I could hear you saying this in an American accent, but I still can't help feeling it should read:

He was just biding his time.

Thanks for a most enjoyable read.
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Review of Hunted  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Tempest Storm,

I really enjoyed reading this piece, but there were lots of simple spelling mistakes throughout so I cut and pasted it into Word to make picking them out easier. Many of the errors were instantly highlighted for me there, so I skimmed through and corrected them for you and pasted in a corrected version of your piece at the end of this review.

It is still not perfect. You have a few repeats of words that could do with being changed. In the opening two sentences you use 'behind her' twice, which jars. Later you say 'She bolts up and continues her run.' Bolts up? Bolts is not the right word here, particularly given that you then talk about the rusty bolts later in the same paragraph. You might want to think about changing this.

You sometimes use the wrong tense. For example: They are coming, their panting breaths close in.

Surely you meant to say: They are coming, their panting breaths closing in.

Other than minor technicalities, this is a great piece of writing. With polish it could be superb. I loved the pace and urgency of the writing. Well done. Here's the piece with (I hope) all of the spelling mistakes corrected. Please bear in mind that I'm from England, so if I've accidentally corrected anything into UK English, rather than US English, I apologise! Sadly, by correcting it this way, I couldn't highlight the changes I've made, but you can cross-check it with your original to see what I've done, if you like.

Blurring colors fall behind her as she runs. Blonde hair whipping behind her, tangled with dirt, leaves and grass. The new blue sundress torn and smudged with the filth of the woodland floor. They are coming, their panting breaths close in. A tree root jumps up and catches her foot and she tumbles. More smudges on her dress and face. Their barks of laughter float up behind her.

"Accept defeat," a voice in her head whispers. "Stop fighting the inevitable."

Her fingers claw into the damp soil, dirt collecting under her nails. She bolts up and continues her run with renewed vengeance. She will not let them win. Up ahead the moon shines down through the trees and illuminates an abandoned barn. The rusty bolts groan in protest as she struggles to open the door. The smell of mouldy hay and diseased water is pungent in the air. Her lungs seize in a coughing fit.

Rusted hooks, tools and chains hang everywhere. They sway like hangmen in the breeze. Clattering together the chains chime a melancholy song no one understands but her.

A rotten ladder leans against the loft, a torn stained blanket rests over the railing. Putting her foot up high to compensate for two missing rungs she begins to pull herself up the ladder. The third step from the top gives way and a scream is ripped from her throat as she almost plummets. She catches herself, splinters tearing into her flesh and she bleeds. Again.

The echo of the haunting carnival music and the laughter of children torment her memories. Bile threatens to rise up and she has to push them away. Later she can remember, right now she needs sanctuary. She grabs the tattered blanket and curls it around her.

The door hinges squeal again and her world shatters again as terror takes a hold of her by the throat. The ladder moves, trembling under the pressure of their weight. One dark head peers over the floor. Cold black eyes scan the loft and settle on her. His dry broken lips spread into a cold smile, exposing rotten yellow teeth. She scrambles to a sitting position and scoots as far away as she can.

Two more bodies join the first, they lick their lips, ready to devour her. They form a semi-circle and pace around her, she stands, keeping her front to them, then backs up as far as she can. Pressed against the weathered rail looking down her soul breaks more. Hope dies a slow, bloody death. Nowhere to go. A dirty rough hand reaches out and strokes her muddy cheek. Two paths streaked from her tears show her once beautiful porcelain skin.

The hunter pounces and the prey scatters away. The railing gives way with an ear-splitting crack. Time for a soft mew of surprise then nothing. Nothing but the clatter of chains swaying. Blue eyes forever frozen open, never seeing. Her shadow swaying against the wall.
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there, NeverTooLate. Thanks for posting Heart of Glass Chapter 1. Although it's not my normal choice of reading material, I'm sure there are some here who will enjoy this genre very much and I do have some observations about your writing.

Before you start writing any story decide on the central conflict for the story. In this story you seem to be aiming for a classic Man vs Self conflict that is typical of much women's fiction. When you start your story there are four basic elements you need to think about conveying to the reader:

1 Introduce the main character/s.

2 Introduce the problem/goal of the main character/s.

3 Set the scene.

4 Set the tone. (Show the genre)

My main observation about your writing is that you are trying too hard to paint the scene with lots of flowery language, but you don't make it clear to the reader what the character's main problem is. It really isn't necessary to use all those words. In your case, less is definitely more!

If you want to draw a reader in effectively, you need to make her empathise with your character quickly. Show the pain, yes, but the reader has to know why the character is in pain early on if they are to feel anything with her. What is her main problem? Are you trying to say the character is lonely? Or broke? Or depressed? All of these are clearly problems for her, but which is the key problem? This should be the focus of your first few sentences.

It would also help the reader if you broke the big block of writing up into smaller paragraphs. At the moment it is very difficult to read as one solid block of text.

A little maxim I use a lot is: For every description there must be a reaction by the character: either physical, or emotional

Look at your opening again:

Droplets of water formed together before me, slowly creeping their way down my window pane with an intense amount of grace. I watched, wordlessly, as I collected my thoughts together, a sharp pain arousing in my stomach. With each new drop forming on the window, with each sigh that came bursting out of my lips, I felt myself disconnecting from all of the values of life and treasured happiness within.

If I were to change this, I might write something like:

Droplets of water crept down the window pane with silent grace. I watched them from my chair. Alone. This empty old house held nothing but pain for me any more; all of the good memories long since overshadowed by the bad. I sighed again, as I had many times this afternoon. Would this rain never end?

I hope you find what I've said useful. You clearly have a wide vocabulary and a good grasp of sentence structure, so please don't feel I'm slating your writing - far from it. It's good, but it could be better. Keep going. *Smile*
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Not bad, Rogue, but the rhythm of the second verse doesn't match the first. The first verse has a nice 13/14 syllable alternate line sequence, but verse two is all over the place! You have 14 beats in the first line, 15 in the second, 12 in the third and 13 in the last. Perhaps something like this would solve the problem:

Rising from the devil's pits, drift tortured cries of pain.
They suffer for eternity, without a hope of gain.
Harken to my words, my love, and harken to them well,
Unless you wish to light the pyre, and dance in Satan's Hell.

Just a thought. *Smile*
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Firstly, welcome to writing.com, Alabama. With writing like this, you'll find plenty who will want to read your work! I haven't laughed aloud at a piece for quite some time, but this did give me a good giggle.

My only criticism, and it is a minor one, is a point of punctuation. In speech, when you are addressing someone, then there should be a comma before the person being addressed. For example:

“What is it Dad? Show me.”

should read

“What is it, Dad? Show me.”

You make this mistake consistently throughout the piece. I think some of your ellipses are also misplaced, but they don't detract from the images you are creating.

A fine piece of writing. Nicely done. *Smile*
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good, Silver Wolf. I liked the style in which you have presented your story. The idea of telling us what you're going to tell us, and how you're going to tell us, before telling us is a new one to me.

Sadly, I don't have time today to dissect the entire piece of prose, so I'll have to settle for a paragraph or two. My biggest criticism of your writing is your attempt at clever punctuation. You use the semi-colon far too much, and often incorrectly. In my opinion, it would be much better to kill off about ninety percent of these and re-phrase.

Let's look at your opening couple of sentences for a moment:

Bastion Station was the hub of the universe, there was no space faring creature that did not know of Bastion Station and the wonders it contained; in the tightly packed station you could find anything that was for sale, and many things that were not. The station was host to a myriad of shops and stores, warehouses and businesses; it was home to the Arena, a brutal location where creatures living, undead and mechanical could fight one another for Universal Credits. It was also home to Santoks Emporium, the largest ‘Mech N Tech’ store in the universe where just about every piece of technology ever created could be found – for a price.


Surely it would have more impact if you broke up these monster sentences a bit. I find it easier to demonstrate than simply pick holes. Here:

Bastion Station was the hub of the universe. There was no space-faring creature that did not know of Bastion Station and the wonders it contained. The tightly-packed station was host to a myriad of shops and stores, warehouses and businesses. Almost anything you could imagine was for sale here, yet still there many things that were not. Perhaps the most famous store here was Santoks Emporium, the largest ‘Mech N Tech’ store in the universe, where nearly every piece of technology created could be found – for a price.

The Station was also home to the Arena; a brutal amphitheatre where creatures living, undead and mechanical could fight one another for Universal Credits.

You will note that the one place I did put a semi-colon in my version was somewhere you did not. Why? Because the second part of the sentence was an expansion of the statement in the first. I think you would benefit from looking through some of the advice offered around the site on the use of semi-colons. I mean no offense by this - it is merely an observation on your punctuation useage.

I also split the arena into a new paragraph, and personally, I would add a further sentence to expand on why the arena was there, or what drove people to visit it (aside from the money). One sentence paragraphs, whilst more acceptable these days, are not considered great English.

I hope you consider this useful criticism. As I said, I don't have time to take the whole piece apart, but if you want to discuss anything in particular - drop me an email.

The fact that I enjoyed this despite wading through the punctuation is a clear indication that the story is strong. It is a good piece, Silver Wolf, which is why I have rated it highly. Good luck with your writing.
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Review of Awakening  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Welcome to Writing.com, Mrdestructo. I saw this piece in the Read a Newbie section of the site and thought I'd make a few comments.

Initial Impressions

This is not a new opening to a story, but you have executed it well. You convey the shock effectively and your english is generally good. If I were to edit this piece, I would only be changing a word or two here and there to heighten the effect. Also, breaking up some of the longer sentences into shorter, sharper statements would give the piece even more impact.

Suggested Edits

Please bear in mind as I make these suggestions that I'm not trying to change your story, or your style. I'm merely trying to tighten up what you have already done very well.

Here is your first para:

My eyes opened slowly, groggily, my head pounding, a horrible sense of disorientation pulsing through my body. Eyes were the first image to register to me, brown eyes wide with what appeared to be shock or pain. The rest of the face registered as the fog lifted from my brain, and I stood horrified by the pain and anguish apparent in it. He had what could in more pleasent circumstances be called pleasing features, fair skin, blonde hair cropped close, and a mouth women seemed to adore in the likes of hollywood leading men.


This is how I would write it:

My eyes opened slowly. My head pounded; a horrible sense of disorientation pulsing through my body. Eyes were the first image to register - brown eyes, wide with what appeared to be shock, or pain. The rest of the face drew into focus as the fog lifted from my mind. Horror clamped my chest at the pain and anguish apparent in his expression. He had pleasing features: fair skin, blonde hair cropped close, and a mouth women adored in the likes of hollywood leading men.

Note the shorter sentences and the changes in punctuation that I've used to heighten each phrase. I removed the repetition of 'register' and altered certain words like 'brain' for 'mind' which is closer to what I think you were trying to express.

I also cut out some of the 'woollier' phrasing. Words like: seemingly and apparently have no place in such a black and white scene as this. You need to be more specific if you want to make your images hit home.

Here's your second para:

I became aware of an unnatural warmth flowing over my left hand and looked down, crying out involuntarily as I realized that sticky warmth was the man's blood flowing from a wound in his stomach. I pulled away from the other man, my hand releasing the hilt of the blade as I scurried back from the horror before me. Fear beat a rhythm with the searing pain in my head, and I sank against what I supposed to be the far wall, trembling with revulsion and confusion. Where was I? Why had I seemingly attacked this man?


Here's what I would do:

I became aware of an unnatural warmth flowing over my left hand and looked down. My cry was involuntarily. The sticky warmth was the man's blood flowing from a wound in his stomach. I recoiled in horror. My hand released the hilt of the blade as I lurched backwards, staggering away from him until my back met a wall. Fear beat in rhythm with the searing pain in my head, and I sank into a heap on the ground, trembling with revulsion and confusion. Where was I? Had I attacked this man?

Again, I haven't really changed much. Just a word here and there. 'Scurried' feels wrong - it needs something stronger. I've tried to give the sentences more punch and altered your last sentence into a proper question for the reader to ponder on.

Conclusion

I'm afraid I don't have time to edit any more, but I hope you get the sense of how I would change this to give it more zap. Your writing as it stands is very good, but I feel it could just do with some tightening up to really pack the punch that the subject matter deserves.

I hope you find my comments useful. If you want to discuss this review, please feel free to drop me an email.
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Littlepurplecrayon,

What a lovely story. It seems that you and my daughter, Rachel, have a lot in common. *Smile* She is five years old as well, and is always surprising me by creating wonderful stories.

Rachel's stories always seem to have a princess called Rachel in them... I can't think why! They also seem to have a lot of stinky bog monsters that chase her and a handsome prince who comes to the rescue. I love listening to her tell her stories, and I look forward to reading more of yours too. Chatterbox sounds like a very loveable creature.

Tell your Mum 'Hello' from me. *Smile*

Mark
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Review of Broken Bonds  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Pen,

You will be pleased to know that I did enjoy this, despite it not being my normal choice of reading. It is a powerful piece of writing, beautifully detailing that amazing bond that a mother forms with her newborn child during those first few hours after delivery. As a father of two, I felt something of that bond, but it is hard for us men to truly understand the link between mother and child. How someone could voluntarily give up their child is beyond me, but I can understand the feelings of wanting the best for the child.

There are, however, some things that you might wish to take another look at.

Grammar/Technical

The weakest part of this piece is the first few paragraphs. You have time discontinuities and a mismatch of tenses that need to be addressed to make it read smoothly. There are also a couple of punctuation points that I might question:

As she looked around, Marie couldn’t help thinking “even the hospital treats us as the shame of the community”

I think that as Marie's thought here is a separate sentence, it should start with a capital letter. There are a couple of ways of achieving this:

Marie looked around, taking in her bleak surroundings. "Even the hospital treats us as the shame of the community," she thought grimly.

or

"Even the hospital treats us as the shame of the community,' Marie decided, taking in the bleakness of the room.

Regardless of whether you decide to use my changes here. You do need a fullstop at the end of the sentence.

At two o’clock yesterday morning her water broke, and she was brought to the hospital. She was 20 years old, and she was frightened for she had been in labor for 12 hours. Marie recalls waking up intermittently throughout the labor. She could remember asking the nurse not to give her more drugs – she wanted to be awake and she was afraid the drugs would hurt the baby. The nurse only patted her on the arm, while giving her another shot of Demerol cocktail, and said “it’s for the best dear, the less you remember…”, Marie didn’t hear the rest because she was out again.


This whole paragraph is a bit strange. The tenses don't quite match... they almost make sense, but I couldn't quite make my mind follow your time sequence. Take a look at my variation. There aren't many changes, but the time frames match better:

At two o’clock yesterday morning her waters had broken, and she had been brought to the hospital. She was 20 years old, and she was frightened for she had been in labor for 12 hours. Marie recalled waking up intermittently throughout the labor. She could remember asking the nurse not to give her more drugs – she had wanted to be awake and she was afraid the drugs would hurt the baby. The nurse had only patted her on the arm, while giving her another shot of Demerol cocktail. “It’s for the best dear, the less you remember…” she said. Marie hadn’t heard the rest because she was out again.

The advantage of changing the tenses in this way is that it does then match the beginning of the following paragraph, whereas your current switch between these paragraphs causes a confusion of time frames.

...she wanted to call her nurse Hatchet because she was so cold and detached.


You need to capitalize Nurse for consistency here.

So you try to fit a lifetime into this one visit. I’ll try to keep nurse Hatchet busy”

How did the nurse know that Marie thought of Nurse Ferguson as Nurse Hatchet? The chances of her saying this by chance are astronomical!

“Promise me. You must promise me – you must survive. Promise me. Get away – run now – don’t look back – not even for me – run – where he can’t find you – don’t write me – don’t call me – just run and don’t look back – something else – keep joy in your heart – don’t get bitter – or hateful – if you do – he wins – he mustn’t win.

There are a huge number of dashes here. It looks unsightly. What about:

}“Promise me you will survive. You must promise me. Get away. Run now and don’t look back – not even for me. Run where he can’t find you. Don’t write me. Don't call me. Just run and don’t look back. Oh, and something else: keep joy in your heart. Don’t get bitter or hateful. If you do, he wins. He mustn’t win."

Overall

I have by no means picked up everything in this piece. It is quite long! There are more areas of speech/quotes that could do with attention, but the examples I've given should give you an idea of what to look for.

I enjoyed this, Pen. It's a very good piece. I'm still looking forward with trepidation to see what sort of character you turn me into. *Smile*
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Review of It Rains It Pours  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Pen,

This is excellent! I know a few people like this. Fortunately, I am not one of them. I never write anything down, but I rarely forget a storyline once I've got it in my head. Characters seem to leap into life off the page. I can see through their eyes and see them through the eyes of others. It's almost frightening how real it can seem sometimes. *Smile*

The only two points I have are these:

Your point of view/time reference changes subtly from general anytime to now specific between paras one and two. This feels a bit strange. Is there any way this could be made more consistent? I've thought about it and can't seem to see an easy way to change it without damaging the flow. It's a very minor point and hardly worth mentioning.

Secondly, this couple of sentences:

There’s my car! Hold on to that idea! Just a little longer I am almost there. There is a notepad and pen on the front seat just waiting to allow the release of captured thoughts to the custody of paper.

You've gone from contracting virtually everything, to contracting nothing. To be consistent, you might want to make it:

...I'm almost there. There's a notepad...

Great writing though.

Mark
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cynaemon,

This is such a great monologue. I'm not that familiar with Divali, but I'm guessing it is the Festival of Lights that Pete the groundhog is describing here. All I can say is it's very clever, it's word perfect as far as I can see, and it certainly made me smile... again!

You are certainly a most talented writer with an uncanny ability to write from unusual viewpoints in different voices. I envy you that ability, for it is the essense of character building that sometimes eludes me.

As for giving a pawtograph - that had me laughing out loud! Very good stuff. I'm not that fond of the phrase 'write on', but in this case I will say it with feeling - WRITE ON! *Smile*

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Review of The Field Mouse  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
LOL!

Cynaemon, I really enjoyed this little foray into the mind of a cat. It was most amusing. At first I started to note down that you hadn't been consistent with mousies and micies, but then realised that this was all just another element to the cat's thoughts. By the time I reached micesies and mousieses, I was grinning like a Cheshire Cat myself! *Smile*

Only one little glitch that I noticed in this short piece - that was this sentence:

I do like a good game of chase before eat.

I think you meant before I eat, or before eating. Otherwise the sentence really doesn't make a lot of sense.

Great work though. I will be reading more of your work shortly.

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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Kre8tiv1,

Nice handle - before I start on my review, let me first say welcome to writing.com and to the portfolio exhibition. *Smile* This review is for the first section of your book.

Initial Impression

Well, I'm nothing if not honest, Kre8tiv1. By the time I got to your second paragraph I came within an inch of closing the window and moving on to something else. However, something told me to give your writing a bit more of a chance and I'm glad I did. Don't get me wrong - there is little wrong with your English and I like fantasy - I've got 5 fantasy novels in print myself! The problem was that with the opening of this book there was nothing that engaged me - nothing that hooked me into the story and made me want to read on.

Once you began to interract your Ogre character with others, he began to take on a bit more life and I began to enjoy the story more.

Grammar/Technical{/red}

As I said, there is little actually wrong with this grammatically. There are a few minor points, which I will raise here, but my biggest problem with your work is that you are trying to tell us a story, not show us a story. Every Editor in the world harps on about 'Show, don't tell', but in your case it is particularly pertinent.

If I were going to write this sort of story, I would always aim to start in the style in which it was going to continue. Given that your main theme through this first section is generated from fighting in one form or another, I would probably have started it by launching straight into the scene where the ogre rescues the elf. There will be plenty of time to introduce background later, but the reader wants to know what sort of story they are going to be reading and if you blah on with the background and a 'once upon a time' type of intro, you are likely to lose many of the sort of readers that you are hoping to attract. Phew! That's my 2c on that done. *Smile*

Punctuation points:

He came from the dark dank swamp forest.

There should be a comma between dark and damp here. This is true with any list of attributes to a subject.

Many of your sentences are also very wordy. Here's an example:

At first, he had to do most of his traveling by night because the bright sun hurt not only his eyes but also his skin.

This could easily be written as:

Initially he travelled by night, as the bright sun hurt his eyes and blistered his skin.

Beware of 'padding' words as well:

Eventually his body became use to the sunlight and slowly he ventured out more and more during the day.

'more and more' is the same as progressively more, and as you don't get sunlight at night, then 'during the day' is superfluous. Look:

As his body became used to the sulight, he progressively increased his exposure to it.

The next suggestion is largely a matter of taste in presentation, but take it as you will:

“Pudug use ta bein peeked at lik dat. It aright now no wet ferm eyes” with that he drew out a piece of pelt he had tanned and worked till it was a soft as a baby's behind and started rubbing the high elf's face.


Within the speech, I would indicate with apostrophes where the contractions are:

"Pudug use' ta bein' peeked at lik' dat. It a'right now. No wet ferm eyes."

The end of this piece of speech is also the end of a sentence, which means that 'with' should be capitalized to 'With'. Also, 'till' is not a real word in this context. It is an abbreviation of until and should be written either in full, or as 'til to indicate the abbreviation. I am further sure that you meant to say 'as soft as a baby's behind', though this description feels out of place and unnecessary here. Worked until it was soft would be quite adequate.

There are other minor points of this sort throughout the piece, but all could be corrected easily enough with a careful edit.

Overall

Your writing seems to improve throughout this piece, but I do feel that you need to bring more immediacy into your writing if you are going to attract a decent audience for it. I can say this from experience, as my own writing has been forced away from the sort of woolliness that I see in your work to a far more dynamic style. This change has won me tens of thousands of readers. My own work is by no means perfect in style, or presentation, but it does now have an immediacy about it that grabs attention. That is what you need to work on most with this piece. Think hard on how you are going to grab attention and then on how you are going to hold that attention, whilst still managing to feed in the background information on the characters.

Good luck with your writing. I hope you find the community here at writing.com will enable you to hone your imagination and writing skills into something very special. All the best.


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Review of The Prize  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Tehuti, please tell me you are published! This is a fantastic piece of writing. As I started reading, I realised how long the piece was by the bar at the side of the screen and normally would have stopped there and then, because I don't have much time to spend here reading. However, I couldn't stop. You sucked me into this narrative so effectively that I could not stop until I reached the end.

In short, this is brilliant. I think I noted one word that I might have changed as I read it through, but as it was in speech, and was probably a dialect item anyway, I hardly think it worth mentioning. You have a marvellous storytelling style, with a wonderful grasp of how to build a tale whilst holding the reader captivated by the detail and emotions that pervade your writing.

This richly deserves five stars. A wonderful piece of writing. Bravo.
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Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Xavier, I promised you some feedback - here it is.

Initial Impression

You have picked a suitable start point for a horror story. All the basics are present: you introduce the main characters, set the tone, set the scene and introduce the main problem/goal of the main characters. In this respect you have fulfilled all the basic requirements of starting a story effectively. I did find this quite difficult to read, however, mainly due to the way you have set it out. You need both to break up the text more and to follow the normal protocols for laying out dialogue: new para when you change speaker.

Grammar/Technical

There are quite a few errors throughout this piece - too many for me to list them all, but I will try to give you some examples of the sort of things to look for.

The hair on Marty’s arms stood on end, Oh no, he whispered, this can’t be good, he was overwhelmed with an uneasy feeling that something was dreadfully wrong.

I've mentioned this already, but it should read:

The hair on Marty's arms stood on end. "Oh,no!" he whispered. "This can't be good." He was overwhelmed with an uneasy feeling that something was dreadfully wrong.

In a flash, Marty lowered the pallet to the ground, the whole time thinking of the worst-case scenarios

Can you lower a pallet in a flash? I think not! Also, even if he had done so, then it would not have given him long to spend 'the whole time thinking'.

“Damn belt!”, he shouted

Too much punctuation here - take out the comma after the speech.

As he leapt from the safety cage the loose shoulder harness cinched tight around his bicep shifting his bodyweight to the side, causing him to stumble awkwardly, flailing to regain his stability in a sideways half run movement.

This is a classic example of an overcomplicated sentence. You do this a lot. To make it flow more smoothly it would be better to break it into two like this:

As he leapt from the safety cage the loose shoulder harness cinched tight around his bicep shifting his bodyweight to the side. He stumbled awkwardly, flailing to regain his stability in a sideways half run movement.

“Did you say what I think I heard?” “You’re joking, right?” “Hah, Hah, go ahead, tell me you’re joking!”


Another example of something you do a lot. You are opening and closing speech marks like they are going out of fashion, yet it is the same person speaking! This is totally unnecessary.

“No Marty, I have never been more deadly serious.” Growing angry Marty snapped, “What the hell are you talking about?” “Annette, do you hear what you’re saying, and just how insane it sounds?”

This is a classic example of another of your characteristic errors. You should start a new para when changing speaker:

“No Marty, I have never been more deadly serious.”

Growing angry, Marty snapped, “What the hell are you talking about, Annette? Think about what you’re saying. You sound insane!”

Note: I altered the dialogue just slightly to make it more punchy.

“Oh no Annette, not again!”

This is a common error. There should be a comma in speech before the subject being spoken to. For example:

"Oh no, Annette, not again!"

Personally, I would break this up even more for effect:

"Oh no, Annette! Not again!"

Overall

This feels rather like an attempt to emulate David Seltzer's 'The Omen'. As I said to you before, horror is not my genre of choice, so I am not necessarily the best critic to rate this. I think you have set the tone well for a horror story, but there is a lot of technical editing work to do in order to make this read smoothly. Good luck with your writing.
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Review of Charlotte  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Robson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You certainly have an interesting imagination, Dark Bard. This is a very impressive short story. Well written, with an unusual ending. I only noticed one typo in the entire piece. I'm not saying that there was only one, because I was so wrapped up in the story, that I may have missed others.

The one I noticed was:

Surly you can see this for yourself.

This should be 'Surely...'

A captivating piece of writing. Well done.
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