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47 Public Reviews Given
53 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think your title "Colors Are Brighter" is fantastic. Yes, doesn't falling in love make everything seem brighter. Your holding back from love and then letting yourself go is well said in your poem. I do have a problem with this one line:

Let the noose of passion unfurl

Is your passion really a noose and could there be another word instead of unfurl. I would think on this one a bit.

Other than that, I enjoyed it. Keep on writing so I can read more.
Gerrie
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Review of God is a Lobster  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
From someone much older but not necessarily wiser -- for you are wise beyond your years. I think I have to agree with what you have written. So much of the world's religions want you to believe their belief system. I applaud you for living your life on your terms and for living them with compassion, honesty, and respect for others. I am assuming these adjectives would describe how you live your life. I can only hope as you become more successful in life, job, family, etc., you continue to live your life on a spiritual plane rather than a religious one. My one critique of your piece is that when you refer to God you capitalize the first letter, but when you refer to he/him you do not. I think since you refer back to the subject of God, you continue to make he/him, He/Him. Best of luck in your writing -- do I see a journalist here? -- and in your future living. Also, you might define "your God" since you end with your belief of Him.
Gerrie
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Review of Beginning.  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Stark poem, but your point is certainly made. Sad how a life can be snuffed out so quickly.
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Review of A Trunk's Tale  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really, really like this story. Your description of the car salesman is perfect(ly) true, at least the sleazy kind, down to his yellow teeth and cigarette. I also liked how you wove your parents thoughts of your lapses of memory into why you left your cleaning and apples in the car ... for so long. Your humor is woven into the story very well. And I smiled. The possum and her new family brought the noise in the trunk to a believable conclusion, along with your keeping the old Dodge. Thanks, I enjoyed this a lot.
Gerrie
5
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Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I loved, loved, loved this story. Very character driven, very, very well written. It held my interest throughout and unfolded beautifully. I have a few grammatical corrections...but do check to make sure, but....

"Jean, from the bingo, ....Her and Frank went while they were down here. [This should read, She and Frank went while they were down here.}

"What'll you have," asked the forties, white,...
{This should read with the added punctuation and change of word..."What'll you have?" asked the fortyish, white...}

Eating hadn't even occurred to him. "There's a little breakfast place on Marathon Bob told me about.
{This would read better...There's a little breakfast place on Marathon that Bob told me about.}

Have you heard of ONE STORY? They are a wonderful literary magazine that only publishes one story every three weeks. I think your story would fit nicely there if you haven't had it published yet. I'll look forward to reading more of your writing. Thank you.
Gerrie
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Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The writing is good, but I find it very impersonal. If this person is out for revenge and we don't know why at this moment, I think he should know her name. I find it doesn't involve me as much since we only know the name of the dog. I think the names need to come out in conversation. The kindnapper and his accomplice should have a few one liners and his (the kidnapper's) name comes out and maybe he says "shut up, I don't want ______ (her name) to know who I am at this point." Then, we the reader get to know something...who they are. Then in a silent conversation he has with himself, maybe he tells the reader about how she snubbed him one night, how she laughed in his face even though he had power or money, or maybe she slept with him and made him leave in the middle of the night. So with all his power/money, she didn't seem to care. Maybe he was too smooth, too sure of himself, so his ego could not let this be forgotten. So maybe for a year he has seethed about this, and in his craziness, he wants to give her some payback. Maybe he wants her to plead for her life, and then he can laugh in her face, and let her go. These are some ideas. You do show the tension in the story, and so your writing is good. Maybe show a little more of how he is liking how much he is threatening her. His pulse speeds up in excitement, or he begins to sweat, a sweet sweat of revenge, or how he touches her and she shivers, and he smiles to himself. Some thoughts to keep this interesting story moving forward. Keep me posted when you add more. I'll be interested.
Gerrie
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Review of Escape  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think you have written a very powerful poem. Your use of words such as
Behind a screen,I wish I was,Unheard and unseen,
Dissolved inside my hidden lands,Secluded from the scorching hands,
very much shows your fears and I might say beautifully.

In some parts of your poem there appears to be an almost rap-like cadence, i.e.,
In quiet moments I’ve reflected,
Calm and collected,
I’d fade away and cease to be,
Protected from anxiety,
From the evil searching for me,
Grasping, binding, hassling me,
I hate them,
Why don’t they leave me,
How much longer will it last?


My one correction would be to try and find another word for "sundry". It seems very much out of place in this poem and I'm not sure the use of it fits at all with what you want to say.
In words that paint my sundry feelings,

Other than that, this poem speaks so much of fear, anxiety, and after reading your bio, your culture. Thank you. Keep up with your writing in 2008.
Gerrie
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Review of New Umbrella  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful poem, beautiful metaphor, just plain beautiful. Look forward to reading more of your writing. Happy 2008!
Gerrie
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Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This story needs to be developed more. Although there is a good premise to the story, it needs some scenes (flashbacks) letting us see how Tobias feels he is different, that he doesn't feel he belongs in the human form. His laughter in the end is not believable. It may work better if he ends with him questioning his existence or seeing an incident from his past in a different way and thus it becomes humorous. How old is Tobias? He seems like a little boy of about 7 years old, and if so, this would work as a story but you need to let the reader know his age. So, you need to flesh out the character of Tobias and give us some backstory. Also, please re-read before you post, as you have many, many typos, and one word completely unfinished and we are left with the letter "f" only. Your start out with the moon covered by clouds and end with the sun shining. I doubt that this was an all-night episode. Don't fret, all writers do things like this and that is why it is important to re-read your copy a few times. Yet, still, things do slip by. I had something just recently where I said someone's age was fourteen in one part, and fifteen in another part. Keep writing. This story has potential.
Gerrie
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Review of "I Can Make It!"  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Jaye,
This piece could be a scene in a longer story, I think. It reads well with two exceptions. I would change the first sentence and leave the word "blindly" out of it. It is redundant since she is blind, and an unnecessary adjective. She is already "groping." The last paragraph doesn't work. Why, you ask?
Here's the para.
He’s there – somewhere ahead – watching me. He’s there, smiling when I keep in the middle of the path, frowning a little when I get into the brambles and watching compassionately when I stumble and fall. He has confidence in me. He believe I can do it - and so do I. As long as he’s there, guiding me with his voice, I can make it.

How can she tell he is smiling, frowning, watching compassionately....does she remember when he had in the past (when she saw) and she "can picture" hime doing those things now. Also, "he believe" should be he believes. Where's her mother? Why isn't she helping? Would Daddy really let her walk through brambles and get herself cut? Maybe the tension can be with she and her father, and how in the past he may have been dispassionate with her and now he feels responsible in some way for her blindness. Did she ever see before? I think this story needs to be taken to greater levels and the characters fleshed out more. But you certainly do give me (the reader) a jolt of emotion. Very good showing of emotion.
Gerrie
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Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First of all, thank you for defending our country. I'm glad you are safe. Now for the story.

I have rated 5 stars. Your writing is very good, your choice of words and descriptions are fabulous. You have written a good story and a nice story line. What I would suggest is moving the beginning paragraphs around, like possibly this:

Rob Benson stood over the casket of Sally Richardson choking back tears he only wished were genuine.

You need to put in a sentence of her mother asking him the question...

“No, I hadn’t known her for long, really,” he answered at last. “I think it was December—or was it November?—that I first saw her at the library. I wanted to, you know, break the ice, but I’ve always been shy around girls. Then one day in the middle of February she approached me to ask when I would be done with this book on Norse mythology I was reading. Could you believe it! It’s not every day I find a gorgeous young girl who shares my odd interests, you know?”


Beside him stood her mother, a short, well rounded woman whose name started with an M. She had a swath of rust-colored hair and carried the scent of cigarettes despite an added layer of cheap perfume. As she wiped the bleeding mascara from her face with an appropriately black handkerchief and looked at Rob expectantly, the sudden feeling of self-worth almost made real tears come to his eyes.

Then continue on.

In fact, you could start with the mother asking the question, then his answer, then continue.

Also, watch your "that(s)." I do the same myself, and most of them are unnecessary in the sentence.

Very good piece. Keep on writing.
Gerrie
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Review of Wednesday's Child  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Jaye,
This is a great story. You have depicted the times wonderfully. I almost think of the movie "The Three Junes," and how depression was part of a woman's makeup back then. Thank goodness things have changed greatly. Your dialogue identifies your characters, sets the tone of the piece, and flows beautifully, although I'm wondering if it could be shortened a wee bit. One other thing that troubles me a bit is this paragraph:

The reflected moon wavered on the water. Barbara watched its silvery features shift and change to that beloved face. She saw the mouth spread into the familiar twisted grin, the eyes become the same laughing blue and beckon to her as they had often done before. She scrambled onto the railing.
"Oh, Larry, you do love me! And I love you." Arms reaching out, she leaped toward that laughing image below. "Lar-r-r-r-ry

I think we need to know what is going on her in mind before she jumps...is she contemplating the suicide because of societal and parental pressure, or does she have a premonition that Larry is dead and she makes a conscious choice of not wanting to live. I think the reader gets a little short-changed here. Otherwise, great story and please do something more with this -- get it published, but if nothing more, keep on writing.
Gerrie
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Review of The Nightshift  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice story. The tension builds up nicely, especially when her supervisor calls her in, and when the bottle breaks in the beginning. The story develops nicely to the conclusion which brought a smile. Your dialogue flows and adds a good dimension to the story.
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Review of Fun and Games.  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,
If you hadn't have said it was about your father, I would have read it to be a long, lost lover. Your first stanza below doesn't lead the reader to see the man as a father. Especially when you indicate "lets pretend we are kids again...." Also, who is the "her" in "the tremble in her voice is something repetitive."?

The tremble in her voice
is something repetitive.
Her late nights,
his light eyes.
Lets pretend we are kids again
and play house in this hell hole.
The first one out
wins a ticket to a better life.

This is beautiful imagery:
It is Winter inside my veins
and these memories,
they couldn't keep anyone warm.

This stanza is nice but maybe you could with a word or two tell us where he ends up:
If I could paint,
I would paint the color
back into your face.
The last time I saw you,
I saw a ghost.
And you are so good at vanishing,
but I know where you end up
every time.

And it would be better to say "one foot in your heart" rather than "on" in the lines below.
I have got one foot in my grave
and the other on your heart.

Very nice ending, and yes, you do have talent. Keep writing. Best of luck.
Gerrie
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Review of Her Truth is Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You are on your way to being a very, very good poet. I just have two questions? comments? Why the double brackets around "plastic"? And there is a type "barley" should be "barely." I'll look forward to reading more of your poetry. Very good!
Gerrie
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Review of Lifeless Bats  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I like the concept of this story, and really enjoyed the poem which leads into the story. I do have a few pointers about your style. You write in a very good prose style and then lapse into a very casual style. I think you need to be a bit more consistent.

Now for some specifics: "quaint bottle of water" jogs the reader. The word "quaint" is nice but doesn't work here.

He grabbed the pills, the small quaint bottle of water, and a picture of his mother, his father, the family; what could have been. Here, he was holding on to all he had left in life. There was nothing he could do now.

I don't think you would "relock" the door, thatmeans you have gone out, and gone in again, and then out again, to relock the door.
Slowly and quietly he escaped the house and relocked the doors. He walked down, past the market, past the pizza shop, past the ice cream parlor, where the family used to stop for ice cream on the way home from church on Sunday.

The "awe at the perfect of parallel cars" I think would jog his memory in some way and maybe you can put a thought in here, otherwise, it seems out of place.
All these memories were soon to be forgotten. Everything was coming to a close. He walked beyond sparsely placed cars, in awe at the perfection of parallel parking. He had never really noticed the small things in life before. Finally appeared the theater where he had performed in his first concert in the junior church choir in 2nd grade. He admired the architecture, the genius design of the stone cold bats hanging from the balconies.

The language in this sentence is awkward.
How lucky they were, just to have not a care in the world.

Again, "adrenoline began to kick in" -- maybe another word instead of "kick in." Just seems out of place in the piece.
He would join them soon, in pleasant lifeless sleep. He finally reached his destination, however, and the adrenaline began to kick in.

I think the reader is left short. What are some of the questions he is pondering. I think the reader needs some indication of why he is taking his life. The farther in he walked, the more he began to tremble, down to the core of his bones. When he finally approached his destination, he sat and began to ponder the questions that had haunted him for all of his short life.

When he finally decided he was ready to do it, he took one last look at the picture, his future that never came true.

The ending is good. So, I hope I am not discouraging you because overall this piece is good. It just needs a bit more fleshing out of the character and some smoothing over of word usage. Keep writing!
Gerrie
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Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Aleta,
This seems like a stream of consciousness piece. I honestly have not read too many stories in the genre so my critique may be a little sparse. I would love to see the whole story, especially since what I read now doesn't let me know the other characters and how they are really treating her, talking to her. It appears that she is playing along, and never intends to join their coven. Is she captive? Is it a dream? Is it in another era, and not modern day? These are questions I have, and maybe your complete story resolves them. Please let me know more.
Gerrie
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Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Kathie,
What I liked about your story above the content was how it pulls you in immediately. Your description of her shows her pain and you let the story unfold nicely about her husband dying. I think that this story could be made quite a bit longer as I feel the end paragraph (and ending) comes too soon, almost abruptly, although I do like how you bring the beginning image (the curtain) to the end. The transition to the hospital comes too sooon, I think. Maybe this could be a gradual cleansing/healing for her each day with another baby, until the final black baby with a druggy mother (and is the mother alive, in jail, what?). Just some random thoughts. Ido like your writing a lot. Please come read some of mine.
Gerrie
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Review of The Last Laugh  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Susie,
I don't know if this story is true or not, but it is a great read. The story unfolds easily and is palpable, even though there aren't many "up" moments in the story (except with the brother initially). The only two criticisms I have are (1) tighten it up in the beginning when you talk about how he dumb and your brilliant and how the mother dotes on him and abuses you. I think part is a bit too repetitious. (2) Add some uplifting moments, maybe you were closer to your father, maybe forshadow that your personality was like your father's in some way, maybe show some softer moments between your bother. Otherwise, this is a great story and I hope you'll work on it and try to get it published. Thank you
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Review of Better Than Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Gerrie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked your story a lot. You are a writer. You show your characters very well (although Eric seems on the periphery -- and maybe that's what you wanted). I really enjoyed how you showed Jessica at the beach and in her gown - very visual. Also, you do a good job of showing how her anxiety grows with her thoughts. Her maid-of-honor also is well drawn as she bites her lip not knowing what to do. What I would think about doing is tightening up the story, and work on your ending. At this point, it seems a little trite (esp. after all the emotion depicted). Does she trust her feelings, even then? Can she trust him? Does she really feel she made the decision? Does she start being paranoid? Does it really end up idyllic? Also, earlier on, you say she fell on her ass, not that I have anything against the word, but "ass" doesn't seem to flow with the rest of your writing here. Something to think about. Looking forward tor eading more.
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