I really liked your opening line. I loved how you used the images like the hands, signs, lead, feathers and the fire. I really liked the plot, but the story (at least for me) did not flow very well. I think it was because of the many grammar errors. Most of them where missing commas or run-on sentences. It is a great story other than the grammar errors. I have included some suggestions to help you. Keep writting!
Melissa S. Barnes
Here are suggestions.
“…waiting for you to do something wrong, to step out of line” “Do something wrong” and “step out of line” are about the same thing. Maybe you could get rid of one or the other. It does sound okay with both. That sentence is a list of things you could add an “or” between the words “wrong” and “to”. Same could be said for the next sentence. They are both run-on sentences. Here is a webpage: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run-on_sentence. Run-on sentences will bug some people and take away from the story. You have a lot of these in your story.
“Along the way I passed other, grander shops, each with intricately patterned curtains and beautifully hand painted signs.” I do not think you meant to put a comma after “other”. Maybe use a period after “shops” and start a new sentence.
““While the colours, lettering and borders differed, the messages remained quite the same: ‘Jews not admitted’, ‘Jews enter at their own risk.’ Or perhaps the simple, foolproof and ever-popular; ‘No Jews.’” You need to put a comma after lettering, because you have a list. You might want to put a semi-colon after “differed” or use “because”. You usually do not start a sentence with the word “or”. It leaves you with a fragment and not a sentence. You could reword it or you could also replace the period after “risk” with a comma. Then you make the “or” lowercase.
“Faint sounds of shouting seemed to…” You could get rid of the words “sounds of”. In the same sentence you could add an “and” before the word “more”.
“Up ahead a German mother and her son hurried through the rain in large, expensive leather coats.” You could add a comma after the word “ahead”. You could get rid of the comma after the word “large” and add “and”. You are listing two things. A comma only is needed when listing three or more. You have other places in the story you have lists with not enough commas.
“But I didn’t.” Again you usually do not start a sentence with the word “but”. You could just leave it out. The next sentence I am not sure about. You could put a comma after the word “one”. You might write it like this: “I kept walking with my head bowed, and my tears mingling with the rain until they were one.”
“I didn’t stop, as I passed the signs glaring down at me, daring me to enter, to test their wrath.” You could take out the comma that is after the word “stop”. You also could add an “and” after “enter” and take out “to”. You could also just take out the comma after the word “enter” and add a semi-colon after “me” instead of a comma.
“I never faltered, as I thought of that boy and his potential, his future and the wealth of decisions and experiences that lay before him.” You could take out the comma after “faltered”. Last part of the sentence could go be written this way. “…thought of that boy’s potential, his future, his wealth of decisions, and his experiences that lay before him.”
“For an instant I forgot about the numbness of my limbs and lapsed into my favourite daydream…” This could be a sentence by itself.
“…a classroom full of young chattering pre-school children and me in front reading them stories and pointing out all the wonderful things that Jewish people had done for the world.” This could be written: “A classroom full of young chattering pre-school children. I would be in front reading them stories and pointing out all the wonderful things that Jewish people had done for the world.”
“As quickly as it came the image faded, washed away by the insistent rain.” You could replace the comma after “faded” with a semi-colon.
“The sudden breaking of the silence was all I needed to rush out of the shop in a blind panic, uncaring of the tempest that awaited me.” You might want to reword this sentence. It could be written like this: “The sudden breaking of the silence caused me to rush out of the shop in a blind panic, and into the uncaring tempest that awaited me.”
“I headed nervously towards home again, a thousand explanations running through my head, each more disturbing than the last.” Could be written like this: “I headed nervously towards home again with a thousand explanations running through my head. Each thought more disturbing than the last.”
“Before I had made it to the end of the street I stopped dead in my tracks, the colour draining from my face and into my shoes.” Could be written like this: “I stopped dead in my tracks and the colour draining from my face.”
“Not wanting to more than anything else in the world but knowing that I had no choice, I slowly raised my hands in front of me.” You might want to reword the first part. I could not understand want you wanted to say in this sentence.
“There was no rain now, nothing to wash it off, nothing to do except run, run for home faster than I ever had before.” This could be written as this: “There was no rain now to wash it off. There was nothing to do except run. I had to run for home faster than I ever had before.”
“My legs were as lead and my head a feather, threatening to float away and leave my body to deal on its own.” This could be written as: “My legs were as lead and my head as feather. My head was threatening to float away and leave my body to deal on its own.”
“Still I ran, as fast as I could, faster than I could, not noticing or feeling anything but the rhythmic pounding of my feet and heart and the distance to my home that stubbornly remained the same no matter how fast I went.” This could be written as: “Still I ran as fast as I could; faster than I thought I could. I did not notice or feel anything, but the rhythmic pounding of my feet and heart. The distance to my home stubbornly remained the same no matter how fast I went.”
“Now accompanying the frightening sounds was the acrid smell of burning, the smell from fires that burn indiscriminately through wood, plastic and rubber. Perhaps worse things.” This sentence could be written as: “Accompanying the frightening sounds was the acrid smell of burning. These fires burn indiscriminately through wood, plastic, rubber, and perhaps worse things.”
“… horizon, reflected in the clouds and pillars of smoke now rising on all sides of the street.” This could be written as: “… horizon that reflected in the clouds and pillars of smoke now rising on all sides of the street.
“I noticed nothing, one thought and one thought only burning in my mind; to reach home and to reach home before…before anything happened; I just needed to get home and be with my family, nothing could happen before then.” You might want to reword this sentence and maybe make it two sentences.
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