Your piece raised questions for me that I have struggled with for years. For example, since I believe God makes no mistakes and he has a plan then I must also except that he chose to have my child die. If I accept this then I must accept that if someone murders someone and I am not to judge God than I am not to condemn that man to death. This is where the struggle really begins. Not to mention why choose to take anyone in such a violent way if I accept that my God is so merciful. Take them in their sleep. I do believe in God and I struggle with these things always. However none of this could exist unless something as powerful as him didn't exist first but what came before him. Too hard to contemplate and a struggle to accept everything with pure faith.
Great idea. Original as far as I can tell. I look forward to adding my own chapter. Having meant my own childhood hero, I can say that it is a great experience. I often wander what others thought about meeting theirs. It interesting to know what hero's are jerks and which ones are great people. I have found the place I can now do that.
I tried several times to read it in sonnet but I was unable to find the rythem. Now that obviously doesn't mean it is not there. However, overall the poem itself if I just read it as a poem or prose, is excellent. I really enjoyed the the thoughts that traveled through my head as I read the lines.
My favorite line: The vestiges of some forlorn message, Lost in the great seascape of time
With a little restructuring into basic prose this in my eyes could become a top rated piece. One which I would consider anything I ever published. Your writing style is thought provoking and allows for the images of your words to play out in my head like a theatre.
How truly sad
The masses of anger
Who could ever be so mad
Not once would I think of danger
For innocent people hidden from society
Hard to explain why one would kill a stranger
Leads me to believe that none of us are safe
I too have family that must avoid the strafe.
This was a very nice piece. I have family and many friends that are openly gay or lesbian, at least as open as they can be without risking their livelihood. My friends and family know that I could care less what the sexual preference is or how they live their lifestyle. I even had a friend in the Coast Guard with me that was gay. I knew about it because he was my roommate and I called him out jokingly and then it was no big deal. It was however, a gamble he knew I was taking and I kept it a secret all through our tour together. I haven’t heard from him in many years but as long as no one ever found out that he was gay then he had no worries. It is somewhat unfortunate it was that way and I know he felt alienated but in this circumstance making it openly public would have made him a martyr and he wasn’t ready to do that and jeopardize his career. I think that when it comes down to that there are a lot of people who are not willing to jeopardize their ability to bring in an income or commit career suicide within their field.
Just a few thoughts extra. Always open for discussions and please feel free to read anything of mine anytime.
Second line: And the wind sings songs of joy.
The words coupled together sings songs breaks the tongue. You are slowed in speech and even if just for a moment.
Suggestions:
And the wind CAROLS songs of joy.
And the wind CHANTS songs of joy.
==============================
Bread is made into the Son,
And the Christ comes down to stay.
=============================
Not sure if FAYS are something you made up as a character but I looked them up and FAYS are Irish dancing shoes. If that was what you were going for I can see the faint metaphor between dancing shoes and toys.
========================
I believe the proper word to use in UNTO instead of INTO. The purpose would be to show that it was because of him or for him. INTO using the context given makes it sound as though you are saying the bread was made into Jesus.
=====================
You use lots of capital letters where they are not grammatically needed. However, you do it fluently throughout so I assume it was done on purpose for affect. I do the same, even though I get hit or it all the time.
The overall poem is interesting though I do not completely understand it I can appreciate the flow, attention to detail, and the ability to keep a running story within the poem.
Interesting twas thy thought of tomorrow
for it will by yesterday today tomorrow
only if thy lord forgive us and grant new day
Should her chatter force me to stay
I loved this. It is not often I run across poetry written in this form. I truly enjoy it. It leaves many interpretations available.
favorite lines:
To find where she buried Tomorrow
Perhaps in that trench deep and wide?
Possible improvements:
Hard to say... I felt like I needed just a little something extra. Now that could mean I was satisfied and wanted to read more or It just needed more umph. I am not sure exactly where I stand, however, overall the poem was a great read!
Well written and ejoyable flow. I found no grammatic errors as far as spelling goes but I noticed that the only capitalized word, is the first word of the poem. It seems as though this was done intentionally then now worries, it works for me as it is. I do not follow all the rules of the land according to my poetry in fact I call my style chaotic poetry. Therefore I ejoy the differences as artistic value.
I only have one thing in the poem that sticks out to me that doesn't work for me and it actually is a little sill on my part I do believe, but I do want to bring it up. In your chorus stanza or the first and last stanza you use the words of a tainted sun. I get the word structure and flow but because we only have one sun I can't get that out of my head because my mind tells me it should say the tainted sun.
Now to the parts I like:
The Title: Perfectly constructed. I looked through your whole portfolio for a titled that standed out and this one just happened to be the last one in the list of poems.
color me the tint of my emotions
achingly sensitive to casual words
These two lines were fantastic and hold very true to life. If someone say something directly to you like for example your a jerk. You can argue and get over it. However, if someone says something like figures it would be you. You can sit bark and hark on that wondering what they meant and have a growing anger inside.
I am not sure if you intention was to write a kids poem, but I read this the first time and immediately thought about my oldest son and his cousins. This is perfect for them. I read to him everynight something not too long or make up some some little story. This was perfect because his cousins stayed over last night. I read it this morning and knew I just had to immediately read it to the boys before they went to school.
They sat down eating there pop tarts and sipping juice and once I said dragon and witch they were hooked. Not a single peep came out of there mouths until the motherdragon died. Then they all kind of groaned a bit. But they loved it and my son wanted to take it to his teacher to read at snack time.
It fit perfectly for them and I plan on reading it again to him and his little brother for bed time tonight! Which I really appreciate because the kids end up with favorite books like phases and you can only read something so many times before you want to burn the pages. So I thank you for a nice original piece of artistry to add to my collection.
This should be added to a childrens collection poetry book. When I start work on my childrens poetry book, I would be honored to place this one in there. Currently I am working on my book of poems and inspirations called: Reflections of the Conflicted.
This is a very intersting poem and I would have to guess that you are talking about old faithful in yellowstone national park.
Then I was concerne with the sickle tipped hydras. You must have meant hydrangeas which are in in yellowstone.
My thought come from trees with white trunks, that would be sycamore trees. pool of obsidian led me to a geyser when you plug in your last couple lines and speaking of lies you in a sense could link faithful and unfaithful to the word lies.
Hey you know I wouldn't be surprised if I am completely wrong. I have never been to this place so what do I know.
Please let me know though because I am gonna go nuts trying till you tell me.
This is creatively written and all lines flow well.
I must admit after reading it twice I still am not sure of the character or the meaning. However, I have some theories that changed with every stanza the first time I read it then the second my theories dwindle. I went from thinking it was about a mother, then a goddess, then mother nature. Then I started thinking it may have been religious. Now I believe it could be about the sun goddess and with many metaphors in their to be interpreted. I am eager to know your thought process on there so then I can read it again and be surprised. That is some of the best part of poetry. I love giving reviewers what exactly I was thinking when I wrote something and then a decent discussion usually ensues.
Overall I think the poem is great, I Kept invisioning ancient people worshiping the sun god and then bad things happening to them that they believe is directly related to their beliefs in a sun god.
This was interesting. I feel I am a five star author in ability and creativity with my poetry, however I only give myself the four stars because of my inability to conform to specific criteria in punctuation and form. I like to call my poetry chaotic poetry.
"Should they get into debt, we will help them out of it. Should your younger siblings wish to go to a collage" You spelled college wrong.
"Now, if any of you can you magic, you will report to Doc" I believe you meant to use the word USE in place of the YOU.
At the end of the story you call him Richards Redclaws but I believe you meant to leave of the S at the end of the name Richard.
Those are the only mistakes I saw grammatically but there may be a couple others. I had a couple stop and go's with flow of sentence but other than that I see no more erros.
In general I feel this to be an above average storyline and I would love to read the book if you plan on going further. It is a very interesting concept in the way that you present it and I can see this being very interesting to people like me who enjoy military, some fantasy, and other wordly events.
Hello, I have reviewed your poem and will send you an email of my recommendations as for as what to change wording wise as you asked. I could see great potential in the poem and enjoy the earthly tones. I love nature as a metaphor or strictly poems about nature period.
Because of the grammar and errors withing I will send the information to your email.
Without us we cannot be one. That is how I would have finished it. Not that you should but I read it as a husband and wife. I would put this in a care and give it to my wife if someone passed away, or if she were sick, going through a troubling time, or maybe even after a fight.
I appreciate that you did not go crazy with names of people or places. You make the story so far relatable. That has always been my biggest problems with these types is that authors use names for people and places that become irritating to read over and over again. I am interested in know when you are done with the series will you be putting it in a printable book series. I have a brother in law that would go nuts of this type of story.
This is interesting. Was she infatuated with the Sheriff? Did she have a love for the Sheriff and concoct a scheme to get him? My wife and I read through the very first part and now she is creating an account so she can get on as a reader and go through all of this. I suppose a job well done when someone creates an account just to read something.
Very cool story. I think it is great. By stretching out some of the characters and backstories and the evil that must have passed on to the Doc you could make a seriously good book.
Because it is a short story many things are left out that I want to know. Would you consider making this a book?
Giving the mom the cat is that the key to the evil? Hmmm
I understand where you are going with this piece. However, for me at the different levels of the story I went from thinking it was about a mother and daughter, to two girls that were friends from a young age, then I thought it was about a combination. By the end I got it who it was about. The moral was clear for me through out.
I get that it is about the girl solid on the outside but hurting on the inside and then getting in with the wrong crowd and it eventually costing her, her life. It is a sad tell and most of us know someone who has been through that. Lord knows I have.
Intriguing, Those extremely short stories are verty hard to write something of any value and you did it well. I look at them as poems and use that as a way to write them.
I really enjoyed this one. Especially the saying at the end. I have always felt that no matter what path you choose you are still YOU. YOU must prevail, just because you take one path instead of another does not mean you have to change who you are.
Creepy, Especially the drowning in mid air thing. I could actually imagine it. It is a strange thought if something like that was possible. Neither the dad or the little girl could really ever doing anything without hurting the father. It is uncomfortable reading the ending as well. Not that it wasn't good but you paint the picture well and then I had to see it in my mind. Very good but kind of creepy. My wife would get kick out of this.
Very interesting. My wife liked it too. It is nicely written. I wonder what happens next. I am interested in who this character is and what he is doing. He is like the punisher, taking care of those that do wrong by good people. Very cool I am interested in the entire book. When are your going to write up the whole thing????
I only found two spots that had something grammatically wrong:
In the line - they are mens' but still better that what you have on now,
the word that was probably meant to be than. I assume spell checker didn't catch it because it is not a misspelled word.
Also on the sentence. Do it FAST. I believe you need an exclamation point there and hen you do not have to capitalize the entire word.
I took change the way words look with different variations somethimes even if I know it is wrong because certain words are escpecially important in some works. They need to be made sure that the audience pays attention to it.
In the poem I can understand the hurt you must have felt. I personally cannot relate to it but by extension through my sister who was in an abusive relationship. Now she did not kill him as I implied in the poem, however I just wrote about how she felt and expressed to me. Eventually I she divorced him and lives across the country from him no. It is in my portfolio called love strikes nice.
Take care
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mcalhany
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 11:10pm on Dec 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
