Wow, this was one dark piece. I wouldn't put his under Comedy though; nothing made me laugh, but the climax did loom at me with an evil grin :)
What I liked:
You've given your central character some real flesh and bone here. Very well done. I could feel his angst at being overshadowed by his twin in every sphere.
The dialogue is smooth and flows naturally.
And the climax! You pulled it off with style. Great work.
Suggestions:
In the initial part of the story, your dialogue tags were of the form 'said I' or 'said he'. These sounded repetitive and quite archaic as well. The standard 'I said' would do much better, or even better yet, use other words.
Absolutely loved this!
Until the last 5 lines, I was wondering why the story was put under the Comedy genre. Your climax put all my doubts to rest.
I liked the way you've described Humpty's inner dialogue; it makes the character much deeper than the one we have heard in the nursery rhyme. Excellent work.
Wow! This is a superbly written piece. Davy, take a bow!
Great content, great meter and fantastic rhyme. Each line just flowed into the next; I just breezed through the poem.
Especially loved these lines: An egg on sidewalks you can fry,
But that will happen when pigs fly.
Your bio block says your ultimate aim is to write humorous poetry and poetry for children. Guess you've already achieved that aim with poems like this.
Very well written. You have a knack for children's poetry. This was a fun easy read.
I have one grouse though. The transitions in the story seemed too abrupt. I think you can add a verse or two before the third and fourth verses.
What I liked:
The rhyme is consistent throughout the poem. The beauty lies in the simplicity of the piece, great work done there.
Suggestions:
Somehow the line 'My true intentions seal the deal' seems out of tune with the rest of the poem. You could use another word instead of 'deal'.
Overall opinion:
An excellent read. I think you can put a melody to the poem; it would sound nice.
What I liked:
The metaphors and similes you use are beautiful. I loved 'gleaming like rocks with a firefly's soul' and 'Fate was the hunter and gold was its bait.'
The common first and last verse worked well for me; kinda shows the characters languishing hopelessly.
Suggestions:
In the fifth verse, the rhyming with 'up' and 'cup' sounds forced. I'd suggest you change it.
Overall opinion:
A poem I enjoyed reading several times. Looking forward to more of your work.
Wow, this is a well written piece. Cheers.
You've done a great job. Every line is thoroughly emotive. I wonder if the sparrow is a metaphor for a person here.
Just one suggestion:
In the fifth verse, 'Fate’s Cruel Hand' is capitalized. I think you can have Fate in capitals, and the rest in lower case.
Thanks for sharing an awesome poem.
Regards,
Malcolm
Nice poem you have in here. I especially liked the first four verses, good rhyme and meter there. The latter half of the poem though, felt forced in rhyme.
I spotted a typo: In the last but second verse, the second line should be 'I beg you from the Lord'.
I think you need to have another revision with the latter half. Thanks for sharing.
First impression:
The title sounded mundane. The content however was refreshing.
What I liked:
The first three verses are fantastic. I loved the imagery in the third verse. Very well done.
Suggestions:
I found the fourth verse a little anticlimactic. The previous verses are active verses; they show something being done. The last verse breaks that flow.
Overall opinion:
The poem has a nice flow and sound. Kudos for writing about a routine event - the beginning of a week - with style.
Nice little twist at the end, but I'd like to see a more detailed version of this. 55 words seems too short for a story on time travel. In a longer version, you could explain the mechanism used for time travel.
Nice piece again. You sure have a knack for the flash fiction form.
Just one nitpick:
Last para: Then we’re going to go find a nice safe merry-go-round
This sounds too wordy. You can shorten it to Then we'll find a nice safe merry-go-round.
Other than that, I found the piece just taut enough. Thanks for another entertaining read.
That was a nice dark read. You did a good job in just so much words.
What I liked:
I loved the way you begin and end the piece.
Also this part: She obliged without thought. To the back of his head. As he landed face down on the ground she watched as he twitched a couple of times and then remained still.
Cold and chilling - well done.
What I did not like / Suggestions:
A few sentences felt odd. She knew she should have left years ago, but couldn’t quite get up the nerve. I'd prefer '.. but didn't quite have the nerve.'
He was stupid enough to have believed that her agreement to his assistance was somehow also her forgiveness of his oversights, as he called them.
This sounds too long winded.
When Caitlin confronted him, the third time, he had promised he would change; he would stop; it was over; that this was the last time.
Too many semicolons. Can you split the sentence?
So there you go, just a few tweaks to a good quick read. Of course, keep or drop my comments as you feel; you'd know what works for you.
What I liked:
The poem starts off with great promise. I liked the first two lines, they evoke strong emotion.
You have some strong lines thrown in between: Yells flying, bouncing unknown.
What I did not like:
The rest of the poem however did not live up to the beginning. I notice there's a period at the end of each line; I don't think you need a period after every line. Furthermore, this makes the poem stilted.
Suggestions:
I think you need to add some more powerful imagery (like the yells flying phrase). Also, the rhyme sounds forced after the first eight lines, maybe free verse would be a better option.
Overall opinion:
This is a decent start that can get better with some work.
Hello,
Thanks for sharing such a lovely poem. I liked the vivid description throughout the poem. The rhyme scheme too is consistent and compliments the poem very well.
What I did not like:
4th verse: and/or their ears as big "wing nuts".
'And/or' seems breaks the flow here. I'd prefere using only 'And'.
Other than that, this was a great read. Thanks for sharing.
Fantastic concept. Science fiction about the brain always fascinates me; you go a step further from conventional brain mapping stories with the addiction removal idea.
What I liked:
The terms you've coined - Colander, Automated Synaptic Reduction Program. Imaginative.
I also liked the vivid description of the process - the holograph, Jerry feeling the texture, the stimulation of the olfactory functions of the brain. Good attention to detail.
Nitpicks: He sat strapped to the chair like a cartoon character, captured by the enemy.
Difficult to picture a cartoon character captured by the enemy and strapped to a chair. You could do with a different simile.
A lab-coated man walked in and began to loosen the straps on the chair.
lab-coated isn't a word, so you could use 'man in a lab coat'. I know this would take the word count above 300; perhaps you could cut words somewhere else.
Maybe this sentence “Will there be any side affects?” could be shortened to “Any side affects?”
Final Comments:
An imaginative read with the science made reasonably plausible. Great work.
Neat. I am a sci-fi fan and found this prologue interesting enough to make me read the novel.
I had a problem understanding this sentence : The war, suppressed by the impending end and the Earth doomed for thousands of years of lifelessness, the colonies opened to the people of the world to escape to.
I think you have missed out a verb there; could be a typo, for the sentence did not make sense.
Another thing I noticed were the several advances in technology - space tourism, nuclear power, genetic engineering, medical science, agriculture - you have mentioned. I'd advise you to mention them only in passing and elaborate only one or two areas (in your case space travel is the dominant one) throughout the book.
Overall you have a great setting for a SF novel. All the best.
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