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47 Public Reviews Given
48 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a touching story about the author finding out later in life that she had a half-sister. This was not a case of her father keeping a such an important secret from his daughter; he was in the dark as much as she was. Although she said they were quite different, they both shared many of the same interests-maybe more than you would expect from two sisters who had known each other all their lives.

I think in the long run, it was best that she didn't find this out when she was much younger, but it is bittersweet that so many years had to pass before they met. It was heartwarming to read how well the families got along and bonded.


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Review of RIVALRY  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That's one way to end a rivalry! It works quite well as a piece of flash fiction- clearly defined characters, straightforward plot, and a conflict that can be satisfactory resolved in a the space allotted. Writing in the present tense is tricky to maintain throughout the story. In the last paragraph, it should probably read "have plenty." In the last sentence of the second paragraph, to be consistent it should be "my" rather than "his wife's." In flash fiction you often have a limited word count. There are three sentences you begin with "And" that could be deleted.

For clarity and possibly dramatic effect, when does Chief Kepanga stand?

I enjoyed how you resolved the conflict of Chief Mundi's big head. Made me laugh.


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Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happened upon your piece via random review. See you haven't been on WDC for long. I encourage you to set up your bio. So I'm flying blind here, but I suspect you are a young person. I like how you think and would encourage you to expand on these thoughts. You've written some truths that many people never realize or never truly internalize. I liked your analogy of surfing, but I challenge you to reflect on history and the times notable individuals stood against a tide that was propelling society in a horribly wrong direction. Explore and benefit from all the great features here on WDC and keep on writing.


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Review of The Skirt  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Happened upon your story via random review. Though it's been in your port for 15 years, thematically it resonates with what's happening in Afghan with women and girls losing hard-won rights- rights that never cross the minds of women in the Western world. Your story illustrates both the complexity and fragility of the female psyche. Sad that we are so influenced and restrained by the mandates of the times. Another sad truth in this story is women are so hard on other women. On the positive side are the times woman do get to celebrate newfound freedom. For me- and this will sound ludicrous to majority on WDC- it brings back the memory in high school when we were finally allowed to wear jeans! In this story lies a big truth-- one person taking a chance can set in motion a wave of change.


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Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
An excellent piece of flash fiction with a very clever interpretation of the prompt "You can't prove anything.". The main character, a girl of unspecified age, is struggling with algebra at the beginning of the school year. Her confusion is quite relatable. Lucky for her, she gets help from a very unlikely source. Ending had me chuckling.


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Review of They Came  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This short story gave me goosebumps. For those of you who have competed in the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge, you know this is quite a feat when you only have 300 words. NJ did it in 293 words. The reader feels George's guilt and how Jackie is struggling to understand his experience. Now that the contest is over. I'd really like to see this story expanded.

As far as mechanics, I think I would change "appeared out of nowhere" to "appearing..." Jackie's dialogue is mostly short, choppy sentences which readily convey his confused thinking and dazed state, but I think the flow of the story could be improved in some places by varying the sentence structure. Of course that has to be done carefully when you are dealing with a limited word count.

Though it was only an after thought and didn't interfere with my enjoyment of the story, I wondered why Jackie was so intent on chasing after the moose. Obviously, it was a life-changing decision no matter the motive.


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Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very, very funny. After I read it, I understood the significance of the "-ette" in the title.

Just a couple of editing suggestions. In the fifth paragraph, you need to use past tense- "fell". In the following paragraph, I would use "into" rather than "onto".

The single sentence: "The ground heaved on impact," confused me. I think its misplaced and would fit better as the last sentence in the fifth paragraph. I'd actually play around with this as it appears you were intent on conveying the sheer weight of the female alien. I had a hard time envisioning "heaved" - maybe buckled?

It isn't necessary to use both italics and quotation marks. Use quotation marks for spoken dialogue and italics for inner dialogue.

This is such a fun piece. I'd like you to use stronger verbs to describe the process to convey better how disgusting it would truly be- in particular where you used fell and slipped. Don't pass up this opportunity to make it revolting! Now if anyone reading this review is confused by my describing this as a fun piece while encouraging the author to make it more revolting, you'll just need to read this short story yourself!


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Review of Inhale  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This brought tears to my eyes. All the more impressive as it's an incredibly touching and real story told in 300 words or less. I could readily feel the woman's pain and distress. Unfortunately I'm sure there are many people about to be intubated in American ERs at this very moment who have similar regrets for not getting vaccinated.


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Review of TIME TO BE A MAN  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Going back through unread NLs, I found your piece listed in one dedicated to honoring veterans on Veterans Day. This is a powerfully written story that puts the reader in the hours leading up to D-Day. Your skill as a writer makes this feel so authentic. The dialogue, the pacing, the tone, and the details all served to create as strong a visualization as any movie. I can offer no constructive criticism, only praise. Look forward to reading more from your port.


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Review of Jailbird  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Congrats on your piece, "Jailbird," being one of the editor's picks on the most recent Horror/Scary NL entitled "The Wild Weird West." I enjoyed your western/horror flash fiction piece and those are genre I usually don't read. Have you thought about expanding this piece? You have done a great job of piquing this reader's interest in wanting to know what the MC has done to be behind bars. You've given just enough information for me to imagine the possibilities. I definitely want to see what revenge is being planned. Clearly the trap has been set. I especially liked your description of the jail bars as "Heavy, soulless, immovable iron." Your use of inner dialogue allowed me to envision your MC, but it would be interesting to see how those thoughts may differ from spoken dialogue. Given the length of the passage, I thought the pacing, description, and story development were all done quite well. The only constructive feedback I have are simple typos that are easily overlooked when you edit your own work, but nonetheless, they did cause me to stop and reread. In the 3rd paragraph- you used the word under when I'm sure you meant understand; 4th paragraph- not was omitted from "but much else;" and I imagine you intended to type ol' rather than "of" in the phrase "dusty of chessboard." Also the word laying should be lying in the next to last sentence--so easily confused, but then again it's more likely a typo. If you do decide to expand your story now that you aren't constrained by contest rules, please let me know as I'd love to see how your story develops.


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Review of The Cursed Gun  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Congrats! Your story was one of the editor's picks in the April 24th Horror/Scary NL "The Wild Weird West" where I was lucky enough to find it. I really enjoyed your story. You are a master of flash fiction, making it look so deceptively easy. Every word contributed to the reader's appreciation of just how bad a deal the gunman had made. I think what resonated with me the most was how well you conveyed in so few words the utter weariness and despair the gunman could not escape. Just a great story.


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Review of Beach Bait  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great, great story. Since its based on an actual event, I have to admire your chutzpah. I don't know anything about these types of card games except they're scams, but you captured my attention and made me feel I was right there in the crowd.

Great details of the setting and story progressed at a really good pace. I think my favorite part-- the area you showed great skill in-- was the descriptions of your husband. Very easy to visualize. Just great storytelling.

Saw only one error in punctuation which was obviously a typo- "Don't do this",

Thanks for an enjoyable story about an event that could have been a disaster.


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Review of Mule Feathers  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was a sweet story. The interactions between the grandmother and grandson were very realistic. I especially liked how well you described Charlie. It was very easy to visualize so much of your story. I could smell the fresh hay. The story flowed well, but I did get a little confused in your description of the spring house-- specifically the third sentence in that paragraph. Also, watermelon is one word. Your story left me smiling as it evoked some of my childhood memories.


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Review of This is Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a thoughtful, insightful story about love shared by siblings. This story shows me you recognize the underlying dynamics of relationships. This would be a great piece to build from. I'd like to see how you would handle dialogue. You've got plenty to show. Would be a great YA story that I am sure would leave the reader wiser.

Just a few points- I've been told we should write out numbers. On the third paragraph, last sentence I think you could omit "herself". I would also omit "at all" in the second sentence of the fifth paragraph.

Look forward to reading more of your stories.
Meg98
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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very, very funny! Realistically written. Felt I was right there sipping wine with your friends. Laughed out loud at the ending!

Guess writing is like riding a bicycle-- you may have not written in awhile, but doesn't show.

As you were writing quickly to meet the contest deadline, did see just a couple of typos. Need to omit "put her" from phrase "Heidi closed her menu." I'm sure you meant to write better instead of dinner - "romantic dinner probably would have been.."
Should have been "I wound up" instead of would. Saw a couple more, but all minor things.

Enjoyed it thoroughly. Writing comedy isn't easy! Love to hear about the second date!
Meg98
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Review of Halloween Party  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
Ernest Hemingway


Hello Sticktalker! I’m reviewing your work The Halloween Party to complete Challenge #3 as a member of the Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project.

Good writing requires re-viewing and revising. I think it’s realistic to conclude you can only review as well as you can write. In many cases, I may benefit more from reviewing than the writer being reviewed. Please consider the following review as my humble attempt as a fledgling writer to help other writers in the pursuit of their art.


Kudos*Thumbsup*
Excellent depiction of the Halloween party in the school gym. You were spot on; I could readily visualize the setting. I could also really “see” your characters, Zak and Phil, and I think your captured their conversation in a very realistic and believable manner.

Favorite Part
I especially liked Phil’s summation of the situation at the end. I like the contrast in your characters. You have Zak, who ridicules and makes fun of the idea of ghosts and pushes to prove his point, only to show his true character. Phil who trusts and believes what his teacher says, who is open to questioning and pondering the facts, and a boy who won’t lie to his mother. He is steadfast and takes everything in stride in the cemetery scene.

Essential Elements (i.e. Characters, Plot, Setting, Dialogue etc.)
I think you did a very good job in all of these areas. The dialogue was realistic—just enough grammar errors you’d expect in sixth grade boys’ conversations. I liked the rhythm of the line: “Wit no head, he’d be dead.”

Nuts‘n Bolts (i.e. spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, grammar etc.)
Only one spelling error in the final paragraph: “…he started walking to the gate…”
All grammar errors were intentional and important to developing your characters.
There were a few incidents where you incorrectly had the period outside the quotation mark in dialogue, and used a semi-colon instead of a comma (“Zak said; “No ghosts!”), but it’s obvious these were just typos.
When you are describing Zak’s messy hair, I think the sentence would read better if you omitted his so it reads “running his short fingers through hair that…”
In the sentence where Zak is encouraging Phil to lie to his mother, I think you should use either a semi-colon or a period in the phrase: “She’ll never know; we can tell her the party got over late.”

Suggestions
I think these boys could be characters in a wonderful book for fifth/sixth grade boys. Zak is not a “bad” boy, nor would I think he would be a bully, but his responses were be much different from Phil. It could be an entertaining way to show this age group how to cope with everyday situations they will face.

If I have encouraged and/or aided you, my fellow writer, in perfecting your craft, then this has been a very worthwhile endeavor.

Thanks for having the courage to share you work.
Meg

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Review of The Secret Glade  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
Ernest Hemingway


Hello, Mr. Hyde! I’m reviewing your work, The Secret Glade, as a member of the Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project and a student of the PDG's Rockin’ Review Academy.

Good writing requires re-viewing and revising. I think it’s realistic to conclude you can only review as well as you can write. In many cases, I may benefit more from reviewing than the writer being reviewed. Please consider the following review as my humble attempt as a fledgling writer to help other writers in the pursuit of their art.


Overall Impression *Thumbsup*
Your story is about a boy, Jason, who has a magical connection to a beautiful and secluded glade. In a dream, he finds himself walking through a garden that in part is like his glade. When he meets a girl named Leila, he realizes they are traveling through a composite of both their personal paradises. Suddenly they are forced apart, but not before they promise to find each other. Upon waking, his mother assumes he is sick and makes him stay home. Lying in bed he decides he has to go in search of Leila. He packs his clothes, gets some food and money, but before he sets out, he leaves a note for his mother. Your story ends with the promise Jason’s quest will become an amazing journey into a world of magic which will change his and Leila’s lives.

You have a very good beginning to an entertaining fantasy story for young adults. You have hinted at some background information on Jason. Leila will be another main character who I suspect would also have a deep connection to her personal glade. This makes me think there’s going to be an environmental theme interlaced with fantasy. So you have the makings of a story with vast appeal.

Favorite Part
I think your character has great potential to appeal to young adult readers. You’re hinting at his feelings of not fitting in, his awareness of the beauty and complexity of his soul, and his doubting the rest of him can measure up. With a bit more polish, more showing than telling, you have an enchanted depiction of his glade.

Essential Elements (i.e. Characters, Plot, Setting, Dialogue etc.)

Just an FYI: In writing dialogue, be sure to start a different paragraph each time the speaker changes. When you are writing internal dialogue, those thoughts are written in italic.

Nuts‘n Bolts (i.e. spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, grammar etc.)

Great job— I saw only 1 spelling error. In the last paragraph, it should be “stared.” I didn’t find any grammar mistakes.

Here are a few easily corrected typos. In the third line of the sixth paragraph, it should be “and saw an envelope.” In the fifth line of the next paragraph, you omitted a word. It should be- “Always keep it with you.”

Easy fixes: I saw several errors in ending punctuation when you wrote dialogue. The period goes inside the quote mark, for example: “when I woke up it was night.”

Suggestions
Revising some of the structure of your sentences will help your story flow much better. Spend some time findng just the right words to convey your ideas with precision. And like me, we both need to work more on showing, not telling. I hope you are continuing to develop this story. Just let me know if you would want me to look at any revisions.

If I have encouraged and/or aided you, my fellow writer, in perfecting your craft, then this has been a very worthwhile endeavor.

Thanks for having the courage to share you work.
Meg

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Review of "Free"  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
Ernest Hemingway


Hi Johnathan! I’m reviewing your work, "Free," as a member of the Paper Doll Gang-Newbie Project and a student of the PDG's Rockin’ Review Academy.

Good writing requires re-viewing and revising. I think it’s realistic to conclude you can only review as well as you can write. In many cases, I may benefit more from reviewing than the writer being reviewed. Please consider the following review as my humble attempt as a fledgling writer to help other writers in the pursuit of their art.


General Impression*Thumbsup*
In your story, the main character’s perception of the events of his day is being altered and the reader is led to believe it has something to do with his glasses. When he takes them off, the previously violent scenes are back to normal. His search for the explanation for these events seems to end with a psychotic break. His face is the face of the man who pulls the trigger. The reader hears glass being broken and is left wondering what has happened and exactly what has been physically broken. The character clearly has been broken psychically.

This line sounds so poetic: “Every tick, every tock a stroke of the axe at the executioner’s block.”

Essential Elements (i.e. Characters, Plot, Setting, Dialogue etc.)
Good pacing and suspense. The reader is carried to through to the end wondering just what possible reasonable explanation exists to explain what’s happening to the character.

When writing internal dialogue, use italics. This will be especially effective in your story where the character speaks out loud, followed immediately by his internal thoughts which interject his doubts and fears. It will heighten the feeling of his losing his grip on reality.

Nuts‘n Bolts (i.e. spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, grammar etc.)

There are just a few punctuation, spelling, and grammar errors—the kind of errors many of us overlook because it is just so difficult to self-edit. It’s obvious you know the rules, so when you’re editing it would help to read your work out loud. This will help pinpoint errors spell checks overlook. For example, in the second paragraph of the evening event: “Hiding behind his book..” In the next paragraph: “into the mirror and with a gasp…” Also pay attention to changes in verb tense.

Suggestions
In the evening scene, your description of the man’s actions seems to indicate he is choking, not suffocating his partner.

The character’s favorite book is Alice in Wonderland and he identifies with the White Rabbit. You have references to the color white in all 3 scenes. I especially took note of the man’s “beautiful white wedding band.” I knew this had a special meaning as it was obviously a deliberate word choice. The only thing is, you don’t usually see white wedding bands—they’re usually white gold. Maybe there is something else in the afternoon scene you can label as white.

The words “breath” and “breathe” are commonly confused words. Breath is respiration; breathe means to inhale and exhale. There are 3 places where you have used breathe where I think it should be breath. Reread those sentences and substitute respiration and see if that sounds right.

If I have encouraged and/or aided you, my fellow writer, in perfecting your craft, then this has been a very worthwhile endeavor. If you would like for me to look at any revisions, just let me know.

Thanks for having the courage to share you work.
Meg

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Review of Cultural Exchange  Open in new Window.
Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations on another winning entry, Jim. I always look forward to seeing how your work a twist into your work. Quite a talent and always entertaining. I think you are exceptionally good in a skill that isn't as obvious and writers new to flash fiction may miss. After I finished reading "Cultural Exchange," I had to go back to find the words in the day's prompt. You incorporate them into your story so seamlessly- there's never a feel you've been "forced" to use these words.
Thanks for a very entertaining story.
Meg

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window.
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Review by Grin 'n Bear It! Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the twist at the end; only in Hell's kitchen would the perfect cake be defective! Thought the title was clever too.

It's a flash story, I know, but there were 3 incidents that broke the flow of the story for me. I'm not a big fan of morphing nouns into verbs so the use of "tasked" stopped me in my tracks. I had to go back and reread. When Casey was told he was on KP duty-- I immediately visualized just how nasty I'd expect the pots and pans in Hell's kitchen to be so I wasn't expecting cake. The last is probably being too picky-but it's one of those been there, done that moments for me. If you just waited a few minutes before icing a cake, the icing would be oozing down the sides! Though maybe not in hell.
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