The idea behind this is intriguing. The story has a lot of potential.
I didn't find the dog's perspective completely believable. She understood human speech perfectly and understood that she had been shot. I feel like you could have given the details in ways that the reader can comprehend what was going on without actually relating details that a dog would not have understood.
On the subject of grammar, at the beginning, the verb tenses kept changing.
Overall, a cute story and definitely something worth putting some time into to make it great. At times it's very much like you are seeing the world through the dog's eyes and those moments are very compelling. I enjoyed reading it.
I don't know much about poetry except that I have never succeeded in writing a poem, so take my review with a grain of rice.
I could see by the arrangement that the lines rhymed but when I read it, both silently and aloud, I really couldn't, uh, feel the rhyme. The rhyming words didn't really seem to fall into the natural rhythm of rhyme.
As a non-rhyming story, it works alright. There were a few oddities since it was being made to fit a certain structure but overall, it was fine as just a story being told.
I think you could add something early on to pin down his age. I was imagining an older guy for some reason but then you mention "millennial." Might be helpful to say something that will suggest an age range.
Otherwise, the story was great. Lots of action, good flow, vibrant details.
Once upon a time there was a turok named Trivoc. Everyday, Trivoc would waggle to the hoogle to weffel some wiffin. One day, as Trivoc weffeled his wiffin a doofle waggled by and bessined his wiffin. Because of that,Trivoc swore he would never again weffel a wiffin until he had noogled the doofle who bessined his wiffin. Until finally, he snuffled a brethin one day and forgot all about the doofle and his bessined wiffin. And he snuffled happily ever after.
The writing is pretty solid. It's very clear and the meaning comes across very well.
I'm left at the end wondering what the point is. I had expected more of a story from the title so I was thrown off in the first place. But then even after adjusting my expectation, I'm feeling unsure what the message that you are trying to convey is.
It might be helpful to pin down your audience. Are you speaking to those who have never experienced this situation before? Are you trying to connect with those who have?
I also endured an extensive abusive relationship and I recognize many of the things you are speaking about. But I didn't really feel connected to you in the writing because it didn't really seem directed to me.
I think it has a lot of promise. It just needs to be tightened up in intention and audience, I think. Good work.
I think you should take out that it is a reversible poem from the title because I think it would have been more powerful if I hadn't known that beforehand. As it was, I knew from the start that the first part was going to all be turned around.
Otherwise, I think it was pretty good. I didn't understand the part about "Most people survive the world, watching it burn" in either the first or second ordering. Also, it's confusing to match up the introductory phrases with the ensuing phrases. Sometimes it seems that they are following the last phrase which pretty much ruins the whole effect. The punctuation alone isn't enough.
I really liked the message of it and think it's a good piece overall. I think it could be great with a little fine-tuning.
This is brilliant in light of the objectives you were trying to meet. Overall, I liked it. I would say it fell short only in that no justification was given for her shedding all of her clothes. Because that is so socially taboo, particularly in a society where she would be wearing a vest and blouse and worried about being late back from lunch, I think some mental justification would have helped. But it would have been difficult to fit within the 300 word limit.
I liked it. Your writing is descriptive and it was easy to visualize the scenery as the story unfolded.
I feel like it fell a little short. The emotional level of the story didn't come through completely. I'm not 100% sure why. Maybe a swing seems pretty trivial compared to all of life? I don't know exactly but maybe if the sorrow didn't seem entirely centered around the swing, that would help?
Also, it would be helpful to add something nearer the beginning of the story to help establish the age of the narrator. Maybe have her x-year-old daughter sitting next to her or have the minister mention the granddaughter? It can be distracting to the reader to be trying to figure out the dynamics during most of the story.
I don't often like poetry. I try to give poems a chance when they pop up for suggested reviews but usually I skip right over them. This poem is excellent. The cadence was musical and the rhyming natural. I was able to visualize the different scenes described without the words getting in the way. I was able to get lost in the text without awkward wording to make me recall that I'm reading something.
Good work. I might have some suggestions if I knew more about poetry but as far as I'm concerned, it's perfect.
Wow! That was amazing. I got completely caught up in the story. I could see the restaurant, the water coming in under the door, the bathroom, everything. It was so powerful I was sitting on the edge of my seat reading it. I felt like I was there. Great job!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/meilitt
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:55pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "