I love it. As an explorer of nature, I appreciate this story very much. You did a very good job taking your reader on a walk with you to the mountain and suddenly trapped in a snow storm. I like the message that seasons come and seasons go, but perhaps they don't really want to leave at all.
It's very well-written and I didn't spot any error except for the use of the possessive 's', as in the following examples:
I couldn't see it, but still sensed it's approach. its
As it grew closer it filled all space behind it, becoming darker as it made it's approach. its
My eyes were just open with a squint for I couldn't see with the wind blowing it's wrath at me anyway.its
I'm glad to have had this opportunity to read one of your stories. You do great work in the community. More power to you.
I'm glad to have this opportunity to sample your writing, and thanks for posting it on the Public Review Page with a generous gift.
This is about unrequited young love or infatuation. Mae is in love with her best friend, Delcine. One day Mae decides to give Delcine a box of Valentines chocolates as an expression of her affection for her. Delcine is sickened at Mae's confession of lesbianism and refuses the chocolates. Mae is distraught. She jumps off a cliff. Doesn't get hurt. The two see each other again in school; both of them apologize to each other amd make a truce. In the end, they're simply friends again.
Just a couple of comments:
Your text: She dug her fingers dug into the chocolate
Did you mean She dug her fingers deep into the chocolate?
Under Genre, you classify this as Romance/Love. I think it should be under Gay/Lesbian.
Lastly (and this is my opinion only), something about the flow and pacing of your story that didn't work well for me. Sometimes the narrative resembled a "stop-and-go" style, like the way a student driver drives. It's just isn't smooth enough for me. I hope this doesn't come off as too critical because I don't mean to offend you. Please disregard this comment if it doesn't make any sense, or if you disagree.
Whew! What a saucy poem. I think it demands a higher rating than 18+. At any rate, an excellent read. Well done.
Re: I use him til he pleads no more.
Suggestion: Change til to till
I'll check out what else you've got in your port.
Finally, welcome to WDC, and congratulations for being an author already. I'm sure you'll have a great time getting involved in this writing community.
My friends have told me about your simply positive group for months, and based on what I've seen around the community, this is truly a great forum to join, so here I am, sending my note of interest for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you and begin my participation in your various activities.
I enjoyed reading this romantic tragedy. You've done an excellent job with the plot, characterization and grammar. The format is neat and virtually flawless in its construction.
Lara and Nuel have known and loved each other forever. Nuel is 5 years older than Lara who is 17, therefore, her parents are against the relationship. They elope and embark on a long trip away from home.
I've hand a wonderful educational experience with Amish people in Philadelphia when I was a teenager. Reading about them briefly in your story added a nice touch to the story for me. It's a kind of a time warp scene one would see driving through the area.
Nuel and Lara are happy and so much in love. But a twist of fate curtailed all that (or maybe not).
Your in-depth review of one of my poems compelled me to check out your portfolio. I'm glad I did. You have quite an impressive educational background and professional credentials. I am astounded to learn that you're only 22,
While I may disagree with some of your opinions, especially about the novel/movie "The Notebook" (which I think brought awareness to Alzheimer's disease that could have a major impact in the development of much needed drugs to prevent or slow down the progress), I respect everything you've said herein.
This piece illustrates clealy your feelings and reasons for writing, and I applaud you for sharing them.
It seems that I should have read this piece first. It would have given me the background I was looking for while reviewing the others. At any rate, I like this a lot. This is where the story begins -- in your childhood, when you thought your mom had disowned you because she sent you and your brother to your father and his new wife.
You struggled to call her mom because you already had a real one, but you did anyway. You struggled to forget about your real mom, but the subject letter indicates just the opposite. You wanted your mom to come and spend time with you; it never happened.
Well done. I found no errors, and I have no suggestions for improvement.
Now it's clear: something in your letter of 1992 might have had something to do with your mother's suicide, how and what, I hope will be clarified after the last poem in this anthology.
You were not present when your mother took her own life by taking a bottle of sleeping pills. You think she committed suicide because she was tired of taking care of other people ... jut like you now, although nowhere in your collection have you indicated that.
Well done. I found no errors, and I have no suggestions for improvement. I look forward to reading the next and last one.
The marrator walks down to where the old and discarded trailer of her mother's is located. This is the place where her mother had ended her life. It is now inhabited by cats, some of which were the mother's cats, and they're starving and dying. The narrator is looking for a letter -- a significant piece that may shed light on the mother's suicidde.
It's an interesting format for this poem. I found no errors, and I have no suggestions for improvement This is a very well written, emotional poem. I look forward to reading the next one.
The marrator remembers the past when she and her mother would color a picture. She hears a soft voice she doesn't trust because it makes her do things, like when she was a little girl--ordering her to clean up the mess on the carpet, but she doesn't. A vision comes and draw red tears on her mother's face.
I found no errors, and I have no suggestions for improvement This is a very well written, emotional poem. I look forward to reading the next one.
A very poignant story in free verse about a woman who celebrates her mother's 52nd birthday by lighting 52 candles on a cake. She reminisces the days when she was a child, imagining the way her mother must have sung to her on her birthday.
My favorite part: when you reveal that she has passed on because she "didn't know how to forgive herself", and now, the narrator tries to forgive herself as well.
I found no errors. This is a very well written, emotional poem. I look forward to reading the next one.
Mirage of You
Lover's Call
In Odyssey's realm
Riding The Waves
Silky Flow Of Honey
Literary Ambrosia
Sensuality of Writing
I have finally read all of the above poems, and I must say, this is quite a collection of sensual images and messages. I can't believe that such a young woman like you could translate such thoughts and experiences on paper as though you've had these thoughts and experiences since the beginning of time.
As you've said in "Silky Flow Of Honey," this is a poem inspired by love and passion, and you dedicate the poem to a certain Mike A.S. I know exactly how it feels to be situated at the receiving end of such a gesture--personal poems that are filled with love, romance, and passion. I hope your Mike is feeling extremely flattered and grateful for your words and dedications.
"Literary Ambrosia" is indeed very literary. Not very many people can praise writing in such a poetic way, especially when the author claims to struggle to find the elixir that puts life in her prose. I think you've found it, girl.
In "Sensuality of Writing," again, you have blended something so technical with romance. This is well-deserving of the five stars your reviewers have given this piece. Congratulations.
I's great to be back and to read your stories once again.
Absolutely divine. No errors whatsoever noted. Perfection!
I love what you've done with this revised version. It has an element of mystery that hooks the reader. I hope, however, that you return some of the omited parts about your mom somewhere because I also loved your description of her as she was looking out the window of her LaJolla room.
She looks to be in her early thirties, with tawny complexion, almond-shaped eyes, and very nicely shaped nose. Her cropped hair either came from an expensive Beverly Hills wig store, or was just primped by a Hollywood salon hair stylist. If that’s her real hair then it’s definitely the kind that comes in a bottle because my race does not come in strawberry blonde. Many Asian women dye their hair now, getting their nose lifted, and looking more Caucasian. I’ve tried coloring my hair light brown once, but it turned orange instead. (This description of the enigmatic woman at the airport whom you think is someone you must have known somewhere--maybe in the past, is a terrific hook that makes this reader want to find out, just like Mary does, who she is. I love that way you introduce the new Asian desire to look more Caucasian. Is that really the intent, I mean, to look Caucasian, or is it simply a modern style that someday, just like anything else, will fade then they would all want to go back to the traditional Asian look?
She walks the aisle like a feline on a runway. She must have been a fashion model at one time. I look out the window and see my reflection. I’ve been told I’m very pretty. “Downright super gorgeous,” a panhandler even said to me once. I would never call myself a beauty pageant material; not under this five-foot-four frame, cheekbones and lips that project higher than my nose, and a critical attitude about beauty pageants. ( Another great image. I could really see the catlike walk of the pretty woman. As far as I am concerned, the panhandler was downright honest--you are super gorgeous. Take it from someone who sees you, inside and out.
Looking forward to more and more.
Write on, sweetie.
EXPLORER
A Taste Of Eden (13+) From Yuma, AZ, Todd starts a new life in Los Angeles, CA selling a taste of Eden. #1333192 by EXPLORER
Mom told me that Aunt Sarah once attempted to narrate Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" word for word. After more than five hundred words, her English teacher interrupted her, and said, "That's wonderful, Sarah, but I only wanted you to summarize the story and give us your review." --- A woman who could recite "A Christmas Carol" is one in a million, maybe more; I don't think there's any statistics where we can find the answer to this. What I do know is that too many people who are as brilliant as your Aunt Sarah, with such sharp memory, are suddenly afflicted with a disease that robs them of their memory and dignity. I once worked in a nursing home when I was in college, and I witnessed first hand the brutality of this disease to the patients. The saddest part of all is when their loved ones came to visit, but were not recognized by the patient.
I don't think that most people know that Alzheimer's can strike someone so young as your aunt Sarah, who was only in her early thirties when diagnosed with the disease. Although I've not known of one so young with the disease, I know it happens. .
I am sorry that your family is going through this terrible experience. There are medications today that can improve the quality of the patient's life, but we know there's nothing out there that can stop the progression of the disease.
Thank you for writing about this disease. What a story to tell, especially for a mathematecian who's only now using the right part of her brain. And what a great start it is. Congratulations.,
I loved how you began the story with this: Aunt Sarah must have absorbed all colors in the spectrum when she opened her eyes and saw light for the first time. She was filled with a certain energy that made her light up any room she entered. Her life was as colorful as the rainbows she was always searching in pursuit of her dreams-dreams she often managed to realize in fulfillment of her life goals.
This is a fantastic collection of paintings from a Filipino/American artist. I recommend this new folder to WDC members looking to brighten their day through ar.
I just love "Invalid Item" , which depicts a typical rural scene in the Philippines, and emphasizes Esteban's love for his native country. Of course, another personal favorite is "Invalid Item" , a photo which shows writeartista with Esteban and another artist, Lito.
I look forward to reading the next item about Esteban's life and art.
Write on.
Explorer
Author:
A Taste Of Eden (13+) From Yuma, AZ, Todd starts a new life in Los Angeles, CA selling a taste of Eden. #1333192 by EXPLORER
Wow, again, Judity, you have impressed me with this short piece beyond words. I've said again and again, that it's always a treat to read anything you write. This is no exception. It is highly descriptive; you convinced me that you know something about trains--more than I do. Would you believe I've never been on a passenger train in my whole life.
As I have come to expect from your writing, no error whatsoever. Perfection, my dear. Keep it up.
My favorite part: Years of spilled food and leaking baby diapers combined with everyday train smells mingled into an offensive olfactory experience. What can I say? I love the word olfactory.
Sad, but enjoyable story. Write on.
Explorer
Author:
A Taste Of Eden (13+) From Yuma, AZ, Todd starts a new life in Los Angeles, CA selling a taste of Eden. #1333192 by EXPLORER
Whoa, chalk one up for the good guys, especially the Big G. This is quite fun to read; very well-written and virtually flawless. I've never done any business with eBay, but your format looks very believable. I like the suspense in your presentation, and love how you introduced the angels to us. Glad to know that when the time comes, these angels could be teaming up to rescue my soul from the bad guys down under (don't mean the Aussies).
What a philosophical and inspirational piece of poetry -- a reminder for us all on the importance of raising our children the way our parents should have/raised us. We are an extension of our children, as they are an extension of us. Their imprints carry the imprints we leave behind for all generations to come.
Great piece you created. You should sell it to greeting card companies.
Write on.
EXPLORER
A Taste Of Eden (13+) From Yuma, AZ, Todd starts a new life in Los Angeles, CA selling a taste of Eden. #1333192 by EXPLORER
Geez man ... this is hot and mighty delicious. A taste of ambrosia in poetry. What great chef you are to create such a perfect woman for a romantic, fun and loving experience. I am impressed with the whole thing. I should check out your portfolio to see what else you've cooked for us.
Write on.
EXPLORER
A Taste Of Eden (13+) From Yuma, AZ, Todd starts a new life in Los Angeles, CA selling a taste of Eden. #1333192 by EXPLORER
Another well-written poem. Loved the easy-flowing rhyme and rhythm. The message is clear. I would have liked any amount of information about the poem that was written in response to "his" challenge for a sonnet(whoever he is). MCG must be such an influential person in your life; and why fear his review? You're an excellent writer, J.A., you must never fear any one's review.
Great job. I rate it a 4.5 because I wish it were longer.
I'm starting to enjoy reading these "Dear Me" letters for the 2008 contest. I've only read three so far. They're all superb. I get to peek into the psyche, character and personality of the author, not to mention the tidbits of personal info that tantalize, making me want to know more. In this case, you're only in your twenties, but you exhibit maturity in your writing skill; and I am intrigued by your biological father's recent entry into your life.
A very well written letter to yourself. Good luck in the contest.
You have written something here that reververates within the ports in WDC. How many members here feel that you wrote this for them? I certainly feel that way. Once again, a very entertaining piece from you, Ms. Buxton. Bravo to you.
ID #1335910
103007
"Taboo" (An exercise based on a prompt)
by:Marty
_________________________
Taboo indeed. It's also somewhat uncomfortable for some people to read something like this, especially when the subject is so young (16) to be obsessing about his cousin (6). It's good, I think, that Tim and Dina married other people. But then, in the end, they both got divorced, and became evailable again. It seemed that Tim's feelings for Dina still lingered in him.
Some famous people who are notorious for having married their cousins include Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, and the most infamous of all: Jerry Lee Lewis. Is it an incestuous union to marry a cousin?
You call it "Taboo," and there's definitely reasons for it due to reports and beliefs of genetic abnormalities in offsprings. However, in a news report I heard on TV sometime ago, there might be less reasons to think this way according to genetic scientists.
More recently, however, a certain lawmaker reported that "one in 32 children born to cousins has a birth defect, compared to one in 100,000 born to unrelated parents."
Thanks for sharing this piece, and refreshing my memory on what I've learned in time past.
ID #1113926
102907
Trust Me
Melizabeth
_____________
The protagonist seemed easy to sway in this poem. Obviously, he experienced some horrible things in life that made him lose faith in Him. I have no problem with one's restoration of faith in the Lord. But I was looking for some epiphany that didn't come. Good work though.
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