1.Watch your punctuation. Seems a bit choppy.
2. Spell checks would be helpful. (benind).
3. I like this description... "His boots thundered"
4. I know I do this too but I use the word AND a lot to "join" things together. Take a look.
5. Its a good story. I think it just needs a few tweeks. I would enjoy reading it again if you would like, after you are finished.
Here are a few things I found, they are a recommendation only. Hope it helps. BTW, I'm not an expert...by far. I love the concept of the story though.
1. "several doors and a floor away" seems somewhat awkward, took a minute to get meaning.
2. " Dr. Lamb exhaled taken back but not surprised" May consider a comma after exhaled. It seems choppy.
3. “Of course, I do…Not exactly, we never met,” he barked. “Hey babe…Lets do some business. How ‘about a cigarette? They don’t let me smoke in the hole…” May try a little description of his actions over his words. Too many words are making it confusing.
4. "I gave it to him on a Monday said don’t dent it and went to Syracuse New York…” Add comma after Monday and replace said with told.
5. THis paragraph is difficult to follow...a bit.
"Jessica de Rabbit, not a bad babe but she was drawn out to be that way…What a sorry story. If I feel sorry for anyone it’s her. Poor thing never stood a chance. I mean after what was done to her on the cutting room floor…Who wouldn’t be like that? She’s a onetime movie star who’s on the down and out. A real jinx though, Slim should’ve known that after what happened to her ex-whatever Rodger…And then Jessica says something like ‘Cheese it! It’s the fuzz!’ but before anything could happen I got four wolfhounds slamming me to the floor. They say I killed and ate the goose mentioned earlier. I tried to explain it to them but the pack scattered…Couldn’t get a corroboration for my alibi.”
6. Is this a different doctor with Big Bad? "Dr. Jill Elk told"
7. The 1st para in 3rd section is too "long"? Not sure if thats the right word. The para needs to be separated into parts of where the doc discusses owlf first. The BB talks about his changes...ect.
I really enjoyed it. It was a pleasure to read for the most past. I would just consider a few edits. I hope this helped.
I really like where you are going with this story but it seems a little to scattered and disjointed. Some of it is hard to follow and requires me to read it twice. I like what you are trying to get across, just try to smooth it out a bit. You are good at keeping the suspense up and going This story makes me want to read more. Thanks for the read. Hope this helps.
This story gives me an enormous sense of comfort and well being. It makes me go through the enotions of feeling alone at first but getting comfotable with the strength you gained since the divorce. It was well written and thought out. There were a few confusing points where you split words with a hyphen- I don't understand it's meaning if there is one. Thanks for the story.
This was a great, well written review on the Green Grocer. It certainly made me think more about what I can do for the enviroment simply by changing my habit. I hadn't ever thought about some of the issues you have brought up such as the cost to the sotre and for the clean up of the the bags. Thank you for the nudge in the right direction and I plan to change my ways to help our world be more green..
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mickey42
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 12:11pm on Nov 19, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
