I'm not a poet and I found your poem with the random review. I liked it very much. It was well written and thought provoking. Who doesn't feel that way at times . It's hard work to be in control all the time. Sometimes letting life toss you about can make for interesting new experiences.
I thought the phrasing and rhyming was very good also. I don't usually read poetry, but I liked yours very much. Keep writing.
Interesting story that kept me in suspense until the very end. Now, I'm not so sure I should write this review without a gas mask. But surely you couldn't mean me! So here goes.
"All jokey." That phase doesn't seem to work.
"She did not look at with any anxiety now." look at him with any anxiety
Who is she, they? Friends, his wife, girlfriend? that he was joking with about the revenge. Just a little reference on who they were might help a little, although it's not really necessary I guess.
Is the wife who discovers the body and her husband the same ones he's joking about it with in the beginning? It's unclear to me, but then I may just be dense.
Overall, we'll written. It flows nicely with a suspensful edge to it that kept me interested till the end. And a nice twist on the end that had me smiling and fearful all at the same time.
I really liked your story. The unlikely friendship that develops between Naomi and the ravenous slime girl was cute and heartwarming. I kept expecting something terrible to happen like Naomi being eaten and absorbed into the slime girl and dying.
The twist of Naomi letting Natasha eat her, floating in her stomach, then being let out was nice. Having a happy ending where the friendship continues; “The things I do to make her happy…” Naomi mused as they stayed like that for a little while longer" was great as well.
The story was nicely written and easy to follow. I liked the dialog between the characters also.
Interesting 1st chapter. I like the detailed description of the house and its layout as Joven explores it. The interaction between mother and daughter is also nicely done.
The phrase; "Her steps followed hollowly behind like the ghost she and her mother had run from thinking it would stay in Austin Texas" confused me a little. Since this is story in the supernatural genre I'm not sure if you mean a real ghost or the ghost of their past problems. I'm assuming the latter.
Also, when she says her mother dropped her in another dimension it made me think twice about it's real meaning at first. I'm assuming this is just a metaphor also.
Your story was interesting. I liked the detailed description of your characters. The dialog was random as in real life which was nice, especially the one about the piece on Sunrise Boulevard.
Having everyone missing and then find out that they and Jabe are disappearing in the end was cool, but I never got a sense as to why this happened or what was causing it. Maybe I'm not supposed to, but I think finding out the reason in the end would add to the story.
I really enjoyed your story. The unknown observer of the history of earth and the emergence of life and man kept me intrigued. I kept wondering who or what he was. His narrative of history was spellbinding, I really enjoyed it.
The transformation of this observer (machine) to self awareness and finally hope for an afterlife after contact with man and mans faith was inspirational. Great story.
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