Nice! Very clever piece. I like the invocation you give the feeling of sweltering summer heat. Having lived for many years in Arizona, US, I can relate with the feeling. :) And you captured it well. The meter is well-paced and balanced, and your choice of adjectives and descriptions is wonderful. Thanks for writing this.
Wow! Really great imagery, a lot achieved with only a handful of words. I'm left with questions, but that's the best state for me to be in as a reader, at the outset of something. If this was the first few paragraphs of a novel, I'd be pulled in already. I can't offer much constructive criticism here because the writing is very solid, but I might say that the line "like Swiss by yours truly" sounds somewhat cavalier for a dedicated medicine man... that being said, that could definitely be intended, and therefore not a point of critique at all. In any case it's great work!
As soon as I began to read this piece I could tell it was imbued with the sort of deep emotion that can only come from personal experience - and if this is the case, my heart goes out to you for what you were put through. The poem is impressive and it tells the story well, remaining efficiently succinct, yet (and even, in a sense moreso) intense in its translation of the emotions involved. I have been in a very, very similar situation as to what is described myself, and I can definitely relate with the feeling - a wordless stare the only remaining avenue of communication as there occurs a great internal suffering - numb, shocked, not fully in possession of what has taken place, unable to articulate or defend for it is in that moment all that can be asked of oneself simply to process. And looking back upon the preempting events and asking how one did not see it in the tea-leaves. If there is a small point to be mentioned in the realm of the negative, it would be "there" as used in "He says there together and in love to my face." It's only a small grammatical thing but I think the form you intended was the contraction, "they're." Two things that make this a great piece in my opinion: 1) There is a wonderful and masterful double application for a piece with a neat and sturdy rhythm, meter and rhyme structure such as this, which is that it is almost instrinsically tied to music - it can be wonderfully used, I think, as lyrics in a musical piece, and in addition it has the effect upon the reader of summoning a music when read in the mind's ear. This same quality is present in Poe's Raven, and it is one of the reasons why I am and have always been so drawn to it. And, 2) A straightforward delivery of a concept when the concept is one so emotionally dire as the loss of a relationship serves to call it into relief with the hugeness of the emotional event itself; in other words, a great thing said simply has ever the larger impact. You've done that here, and I think it is wonderful.
Within the first few lines I definitely felt an emotional response, something similar, for me, to how I feel when I am reading the work of Ayn Rand. Having mired in the realms of angst and rebellion behind the pen many a time, this is unfamiliar ideological territory for me, but that if anything expands the experience. I particularly liked the usage of the passage "And they remain forever engaged / In helping others to see the benefits / Of their superb wisdom and superior acumen."
If there is one part in this piece which I was thrown by, it would be the word "adequate" in "adequate faith;" in my view, the word seemed understated, but this could either be the intended effect, or it could be that I've misunderstood a more subtle meaning to the phrase.
Poetry is rare these days, and I applaud your work not only for being what it is, but also for conveying a message not often heard, a commendation of those who lead us. Bravo.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mimelis
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 9:46am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
