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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missthebeat
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29 Public Reviews Given
29 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Its not bad but if I were you I would focus more on the battle idea. Its a nice idea but I think you under played it. I don't mean you should use more violent or explicit imagery, but implicate the fight through subtle imagery of fighting, loss and gains. Maybe Autumn is the battle ground with Summer really fighting Winter, not Autumn. Autumn is a bridge between good and evil. Perhaps elude to summer's glorious return as true king of the world when it wins the battle of Spring and rejuvinates the earth. It has the potential to be an epic poem. Make it long and intricate like Honer's Odyseey. The seeds of plants working underground to destroy winters tyranny, blankets of snow which seek to stifle them. The thick clouds like a great wall, a siege against the sun. Turn winter and summer into great characters and create legend. I believe in this poem but I think it needs to be longer, to create more and to try and attain status as an epic.


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Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
There isn't enough tension in your story. The mafia perhaps comes to this guys house one time and leave it with 5000 horseshoes. So easy for the salesman and for you.

Where has this self-confessed fantastic salesman's need to borrow money from the mafia come from? A successful salesman would surely have no problem borrowing money from a mainstream lender such as a bank, friend or family member? Build the tension through maybe an epic failure, or by saying that in reality perhaps he is the worse salesman ever and has got himself debt-ridden over a string or failures.

Take your time with the mafia build up. Perhaps they come and shout. They beat him up. They take all of his stuff. Then just as they are pouring the cement into a mould around his feet, the boss calls the boys urgently to hurry up. There is a once in a lifetime opportunity arisen which will make all the mafiosa involved stunningly rich. The pair of enforcers scratch their heads and suddenly the salesman offloads all the horsehoes to the boys to save them some time. Then he pays the stupid mafia guys the money he is owed, plus maybe a cheeky bit extra and walks out leaving them gobsmacked they'd been had so easily. Something along those lines, let us fear the mafia as he fears them. Build a story.

You start in first person and then switch to third person and I can't see any real reason for this. Choose one and stick with it.

Also build your character a bit more, the plot isn't really interesting enough on its own, so you need to make the character of Jerry much stronger to take some of the weight off; that's not to say it is a poor storyline, just not that original, and the ending fails to be very funny or surprising.

Sentences and grammar etc. have no real problems, but they are a little banal, and if you are determined to keep your story this short, you need to use really great imagery, something really original, puzzling and meaningful.

An ok start, but you must keep working on it.


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3
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Review of Courage  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
You don't really tell us what courage is. You use a load of other words instead of courage and we don't get a very strong sense of any real courage in the poetry. If you're writing about courage, be courageous in your poetry, take some risks trying to create powerful images of courage. A battle, standing up to a loved one, telling your boss he is totally wrong, running outside naked. Choose something and build courage into it. Your poem is much too short, you avoid any responsibilty for the power of your poem by telling us nothing new. As a poet your words should be above ours, look down and as we gaze up with wonder at the meaning of your beautiful words. The problem isn't that the poem is bad, it is just too sentimental and doesn't do anything exciting or new. Look deep inside and feel the power of courage. Then write that.


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Review of Ode to Spring  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice twist to an old subject, very playful and interesting. If I were to add anything it might be to contrast the beauty of the world around you to the ugly hayfever the narrator experiences. Maybe crocus is croci like cactus is cacti? Good poem, the kind that makes it worth reviewing randomly- 'cos sometimes amongst the hoardes of mediocrity I will find a gem.


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5
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Review of love  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
I think this poem is too sentimental and refuses to break away from cliche or produce any startling images.
"Love is a walk across a sunset beach". Come on, you aren't writing an advert for a travel company. Capture the moment somewhere high above, give me some true belief there is love in a sunset beach, even if its an image you believe to be false. Create an antagonism between movie and reality that is more powerful.

Love is the warm dusk tide that bleeds the red sun's light
Love is the salmon fighting upstream towards inevitable death and glory

Also love as everlasting? Pu-lease. So vague and nondescriptive, you can do better.
Love is reflected in the hearts of the stars
and lights the universe with its fire

Give us something really specific to hold onto and agree, make us feel the full power of love in the moment that you feel it most apt.

What feeling do you get from a person? Anger? Despair? Hate? Aren't these all aspects of love? Are these what you are referring to? Be more specific.

Or

Focus on Hollywood, choose some specific images from a movie and tear them apart, mock their vision of love and present your reality. Make the poem less sentimental and turn it into a Hollywood nightmare. Give us something fresh and exciting. Tear our idea of love apart and rebuild it in your own image.


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Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Where have you got your statistics from? The most important thing for a piece like this, when your trying to refute something is to provide references for all your sources. It's easy to write numbers, not easy to collect those numbers. Give credit where it is due and strengthen your argument.

What about the other side of your argument? Why aren't American citizens able to earn a living without a job? Is such a large population so unskilled that without some low level service job they are incapable of doing anything outside of an office or a shop? Is the problem really poor education?

We live in a world of blame. It is the government's fault I don't have a job. Not my fault I have no talent or skill that anybody wants.


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Review of Flight  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I think although it is not poorly written, there are some aspects of your story which weaken it. Ideas are a little out of sync, there are references to parts of life that are weakly explained and there is a lack of some kind of twist or point to the story. The general idea of flying away and leaving her problems behind are fine, but is it just a moment's freedom? Where is she going? Will it be better for her there? You can leave these questions unanswered if you wish, but if you want us to understand that anywhere is better than here, you need to tell us why.

The girl appears to have been raised in an orphanage (cliche alert) and has had a difficult time there (cliche). What is different about this girl? Why should I read about her? What is different about her story?

Why does she remember standing on the ledge about to kill herself when she is flying? Is it not a likely memory when she first steps out? Play the two occasions of each other. Something like this:

"Behind me the window is open and the curtains reach out from within, trying to pull me back inside. This time I am not afraid end it all, to leave the pain and misery of this life behind me."

I think your story needs to be longer, or else needs to have far more subtle imagery that describes both the setting and her past at the same time. Maybe describing a walk from the girls bedroom to the roof is a chance for her to reminisce on the terrible times. Episodes of bullying, maltreatment etc. as she walks through corridors, past the kitchen (what does the kitchen smell like?), the classroom, etc. At the same time, you can tell us something unusual about the orphanage. Is it here she got her wings? Perhaps the matron is a witch, or they are conducting experiments on the kids no one cares about, or she wished it so hard after reading stories of angels that one day they appearead. Of course it needs no explanation, in Kafka's Metamorphises there is no explanation as to why the main protagonist is suddenly a cockroach, however we are told how this affects his daily routine.

Spend more time on it, don't rush us to the image of her flying away. Show us her growth from child to bird and why it is right for her to fly the nest.


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Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
In a poem as short as this you need to make every word strong. Your poem is like a building and each line is a supporting column. The less columns you have, the stronger they need to be. Unfortunately your roof is about to cave in.

There is no image that stands out as original, striking, beautiful or particularly interesting. It also lacks any motivation. It is ok to not say directly why the narrator is killing themself, but by the end of the poem I am not left with any sympathy towards the voice. Quite frankly, I don't care if they kill themself. It is not a poem of depression, it is a poem that says, "look at me, I'm depressed, and also lazy". You explore nothing new.

To make it interesting, why not make it about a lovebird in a cage whose partner has died. Then there is something unique about it. Perhaps it has observed the behaviour of a moody teenager that thinks they deserve sympathy for all the pain in their life, as if it has never happened to anyone else, and tries to mimic it. This way you expose the absurdity of the suicidal answer to depression and avoid cliche. It doesn't have to be a lovebird, but like a good movie, you need a twist.
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Review of I Wonder  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
In a poem as short as this you need a line that really smacks the reader in the face. After reading this I feel a little hollow. There is no great beauty, no strange occurunce, nothing sublime. It turns out to be quite superficial, and seems to hide nothing amongst itself.

Aside from this there is a spelling mistake: "distant" should be distance.

Also think about the beats and rhythm of the poem. The final line is too long and misses the beats making the final image a little ugly.

Think deeper. Consider your own thoughts, what do they mean? You do not express them clearly to us, they are just rather vague generalisations of the world.


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10
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Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
There are parts of your poem that I like, but I think there are some flaws in your poetry that fail on a most fundamental level: it is not poetic. The struggle that your thoughts go through is reflected in the verse, and perhaps this is your point, that thoughts are not poetic. However, as a poet you need to elevate language from common to something high above.

Partially, I think this is caused by a lack of cutting. Just cut all the words that you do not need. The less words you can use, the better.

"When asked what I was thinking, I simply said a girl.
I was asked what I was thinking because the thought was already presumed.
I was not thinking of sex, which now aligns with the thought of a girl, but should not because the two thoughts are separate: the book and scattered passages."

This is very wordy. Think about which lines really give power to them poem, and which take the power away. We don't need an explanation of yourself, we just need poetry. Subtext (the words you didn't write) can be as powerful as what you do actually write, and I think it would strengthen your poem.

" and the feeling, but not the color itself, of red"

"and the feeling of red" is much smoother, and more interesting.

"It was neither light nor dark but overcast like first days of autumn"

"it was overcast like the first days of autumn" does the same job.

Everyone needs to come to terms with cutting and just accept that some lines are interesting, and some lines don't deserve to be in a poem next to them.

"he could only stay the line" is quite abstract and an interesting image. The personification of ambition also good. Base your poem around the best ideas, and try to remove the lines you think are least important.

"I was not thinking of sex, which now aligns with the thought of a girl, but should not because the two thoughts are separate" is a good example for further explaining subtext. If you don't write this, we can still understand you weren't thinking of text simply by you not writing anything about sex. There is subtext in everything. For example, a shopping list:

bananas
bread
milk
butter

We don't need to write:

buy bananas
buy bread
buy milk
buy butter
don't buy apples
don't buy cheese
don't buy everyhting else that exists

There are other similar instances in your poem where I think some parts can just be cut. Have a look an be hard on yourself, don't hold sentiment for the lines which weaken your poem.


"he could only stay the line" is quite abstract and an interesting image. The personification of ambition also good. Base your poem around the best ideas, and try to remove the lines you think are least important.

I think for some reason my review is a bit out of order, so sorry about that. Embrace it. I like the general idea of the poem but I think you need to make it more poetic.


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Review of Moving On  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall I think it's pretty good, and often I don't keep reading to the end if I don't like it, which didn't happen here. However, I think there are some areas you can still improve.

First of all, there a couple of instances where I feel it is better to "show, not tell", which you have done in other places.

"Clew, the driver, pressed hard on the brakes as they squealed in stubborn obedience." This sentence would do better by taking out "the driver". These words don't add anthing because we already can tell he is the driver.

"Big, clumsy Clew swung down from the truck and probed his pocket for the key to unlock the gate."

In this sentence, it would be better to demonstrate Clew's clumsiness. Something likes this maybe. "Clew hopped down from the truck and his keys fell onto the hot driveway. He picked them up and pushed them into his overstuffed pocket." Then later, they could fall out again, and the reader will perceive him to be clumsy themselves, which is better than being told he is clumsy.

Aside from this, I liked your writing. However, I was a little disappointed by the ending, it seems to trail off at the end and not reach the climax I was expecting; the fact that the two guys were wrong about the family was good, but it's a bit like you stabbed the knife in, but were too merciless to twist it. I don't know if that is clear, but I can't express it in any other way-- the weakness of words!

Overall I enjoyed it, I'm new and this is the first thing I've reviewed that's been alright to read, so it gives me hope!
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Review of The Boat Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Imagine yourself at a dinner party. The atmosphere is good, drinks are flowing, people are laughing. The next funny annecdote that is told is your story. Everyone laughs politely, some even genuinly, before someone else goes on to tell a better story about a boat.

At present, your story is too annecdotal to really make anyone want to read it. It's like the idea for a good story.

Also, your story lacks a main point of tension. There is a kind of pessimism that runs throughout the story, but real points of tension haven't been created as everything reads in the same manner. You need to have a good balance of emotion, creative imagery and peaks and troughs of tension, and I don't really see it. Every paragraph can be improved. Consider imagery much more, your story at present is just a list of events.

He did this. Then he did that. Next I did this. After that he said this. Then we went here.

Don't chain yourself to this kind of writing, it can be very rewarding if done well-- see Shoplifting From American Apparel, but is very tedious when mediocre. Play with words and pictures, make yourself laugh with images in your head, and then describe them. This story about a boat is not that extraordinary, so you need to use beautiful words to make it extraordinary.

Also use more adverbs.


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13
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Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
If you take away the first three lines, this poem reads like a pesident's speech. That is not good. Poetry needs to reach upwards, needs to be free. Whilst the sentiment is nice, it lacks anything new, and ultimately fails to inspire me as a reader, particularly as a non-American.

You need to break out of cliches, use new images to convey old ideas.

"Sagging due to frustration at work"

Everyone feels this, but try and describe it in a more powerful way.

for example:

"Knuckles dragged to work and back,
leave a deep and bitter track"

This describes the same message, but in a far more evocative way. Try and free yourself from ordinary phrases, all the greatest poems have strange but powerful juxtapositions, describing the world in a new, exciting way.

As for inspiring feelings of happiness and grattitude for America, despite strongly disagreeing with that as a subject for beautiful poetry, if you really want to create that emotion then you should paint a picture of beautiful America. Don't force your reader to have to think of examples themself, show them. Maybe the ordinary things of American life, maybe the sublimely beautiful.

At the end of your poem thinkiing... "Is there a venerable soul in America?" So it's your job to show me there is.


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Review of Moment of Clarity  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I had your same moment of clarity not long ago, but don't be fooled by it. I have come to realise it is a flase clarity, or at least, only the beginning of clarity.

It is important to remember that people create moral theories that at a time, and in their mind, are absolute truth. Whatever your opinion on events such as the dropping of the atom bomb, you must accept that these decisions are based on a solid moral "truth", at least from the perspective of the responsible people. If you compare the "I Have A Dream" speech Hitler's infamous Nurenberg Rally, you cannot deny that these speeches, no matter how far apart morally, contain an equal conviction in their delivery, and an equal rousing of support from the spectators. Nowadays, we are inclined to say that King's is more true, and Hitler's less true, because we are inclined to say that prejudice is wrong.

Philosophy, including that of Morality, has progressed in a similar way to, and with the aid of, science. As much truth as Socrates and Aristotle gave us, we cannot say that everything they said was true-- just take a look at their thoughts on the universe. This could be compared to Newton's theories on gravity. As true as they were, it still took hundreds of years to realise the universe is expanding, even though the maths was available, because of other "truths" that blocked the progression of his theories. Darwin's theories on evolution have also been improved upon.

You speak of your round table, which I believe to be a good way of decision making, but would you listen to the "evil" characters of history with as little prejudice as those of the "good". Would you have made a different decision based on all the knowledge they had available to them?

There is no doubt that the soldiers worldwide who kill and torture, even away from the battlefield, believe they are doing so for a good cause. "Because I love America" maybe.

Nietzsche would say we should rise above good and evil, as these concepts are based on a lack of evidence-- or truth. At least these acts are not mediocre, and drive the human spirit towards change and improvement. From chaos comes creation, destruction an opportunity to rebuild. Though this seems scary and a boost for terrible acts, are we sorry that a meteor killed the dinosaurs, perhaps leading to the conception of man, or the great fire of London which marked the end for terrible living conditions in many areas?

To get the world to sit around a table is unrealistic, so one by one, we must individually seek to break away from the chains that we don't like, and try to sees the ones we do like are also chains, and bind us tighter than those we hate.

Your essay was written a while ago, and would be interested to know on how your thoughts have developed, what you believe is your


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Review of Giving Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Pandle Nen Hame Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I heard a cry-- the last gasp of a poem,
curled, broken on the floor.

I saw at once the weapon of its murder,
the moon
the cave
the night
gravity.

You foul beasts, we do not pity you, flee
before the light shine on you
and reveal your secret:

ye beasts are not worthy murderers of poetry

Come softly, out.
The light is where a poem can soar
guided by beauty and power.

It blinds you, just for a moment--
that is your punishment, pity-seeker.
But know that the sun will forgive you
and guide you back up the mountain
from which you fell so hard

but so softly.


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