I generally liked this piece. The characters are interesting as is the setting. I feel like I'm seeing into the lives of a wealthy family, and all their hired hands are interesting, though maybe there are too many of them in this one small piece (the au pair, the butler, the footman, Mr. Vincent -- they're everywhere!).
What does the "and then there were two" refer to in the title? Marilyn and Grace? Or will we find out later?
I like the depiction of Grace, innocently playing in the corner among all this seriousness, and that the wooden horse that implies a time frame. I wish we had a hint at the age of Marilyn and Peter. At first I thought of them as young because of the financee reference, yet Ivan seemed like an older character by his wisdom-like speech ("good chap" and "dear lady" and "I do say") and yet he's probably Peter's age. Then I remembered that Marilyn has a daughter so she's not quite fresh-off-the-bloom. I'd like a hint of how Marilyn got this daughter...is she already a widow? That could add dimension and imply her age.
The mention of Nelly the au pair surprised me as I didn't know she was on the porch with them. Or was she inside? Maybe you could clarify that.
"imagining the worse" => "imagining the worst"
"for a while." => needs the final quote
Awkward image: "Marilyn stopped, foreboding tickling her spine." and the telephone piercing their ears....since they were walking away, it doesn't seem like the phone could have been that loud to them. Maybe she just vaguely heard it?
Overall, I liked it and I'd like to see what becomes of all these characters. I find rich people interesting, and even the Canadian aspect interesting since I'm in the US. If you finish out more of it, let me know and I'll have another look.
I liked this poem. I don't usually review poems because I feel like they are often too short and lacking in substance, but I like this one because it's a little longer, it has a movement, and it has lull to it that is like sleep.
I most like the first paragraph...
My mind is dulled.
My thoughts in disarray.
Because I can relate to that feeling when your thoughts start to morph into something unrecognizable as you drift off.
I'm not sure what a "Morpheus" or a "claxon" is so I'd have to google them to get the whole meaning. It could be I'm just really mentally limited, but I feel I'll have to do that work to understand this completely.
Does this sleeper prefer his dreams to his daytime life? I get a hint of that in the last stanza...might be interesting to expand on that idea.
I really like this story. I got caught up in it and actually forgot all my nitpicking editing for a bit because I could envision the characters and I wanted to see what happened to them. I rated this high because it was interesting in a lot of ways, and it seemed complex in a sense..and I think you even make it more so if you wanted. Of course I'm an editor at heart and can't NOT find things, so I hope you will find below useful. Nice job though -- I really enjoyed it. (I just gave my first 5 on the review!)
Nitpicking:
1. The description of the grandmother and smacking you "up side the head" was very good. I felt like she was a real person.
2. Nothing was cooking but the kitchen smelled of fresh herbs: parsley, basil, garlic, rosemary, sage, saffron and more.
...can you start the sentence with "The kitchen smelled...". Starting with "Nothing was cooking..." was harder to picture...
3. spello: San Franciso
4. "She had taught him to read. " Did Elena teach Carmine to read? This part jumps for me...it seems like one second he's just glimpsing her and the next sentence they've known each other a while?
5. "yet have nothing to show for it" needs a ? at the end.
6. Alex seemed young to me at first, but way later I find out he's a lawyer and I have to switch what I'm picturing. Can you paint him that way sooner?
7. There's something interesting about the "emerald ring" and the "emerald couches". Not sure why but that works for me...connecting past image with present? Ditto for the cooking smells in the air. It really adds something...not sure why but I like it (maybe it's the earthly pleasures?)
8. Can you put something like a "***" line when you jump from past to present and back?
9. This seems a little overblown...could you soften it: "insides like a feral beast devouring its prey."
10. "He lugged the chains " -- makes them sound like they weigh about a 1000 pounds!!! :)
11. I wish the wording were better..."seek fortune" as opposed to "tell the future"...not sure how to resolve it: "you came here to seek your fortune, correct? To find out what lies ahead, am I right?” Carmine nodded in response." He wasn't really seeking a fortune? Not sure what to do with this...
12. "Helvetica " -- I would take this word out because offhand, I can't picture this typeface. I'd have to google it to know what it looked like, so why make the reader not understand something and feel they have to go look it up?
13. Like above, that word "Daverro" in the beginning threw me. At first I blew over it thinking it was the name of another character and when I realized it wasn't, I had to go google it to figure out what you were talking about. The reader shouldn't have to do that.
14. "that she had ever seen." -- change "she" to "he" (in front of the judge...Lorelei)
This is a nice, short poem. Is there a way to add a hint as to who is speaking? I liked where you said the inspiration came from (the Civil War Reenactment) but the poem by itself doesn't give a hint of the setting. And that could be fine if you want it to be a universal-type application, but I think some reference to soldiers and families left behind would be interesting.
I would change "but the days" to "But the days"
I would change below from "drew nearer" to "drawn nearer"
This story was really good - so well written, vivid and it has a nice message and even a certain sophistication to what it's trying to convey. I loved the melodic writing also - a lot of the writing had a certain lull to it just like the ocean would. I could find very little wrong with it so take everything I say below as just nit-picking because overall, it was awesome.
To me, this was the best sentence because I could clearly picture what you were trying to show:
Water is cloudy from silt and sand and muck lifted off the sea bed and thrown into the deep.
Below are just little nitpicky things:
1. This sentence felt jumpy to me: Tropical? Colors? No, and yes
2. Using the word “just…” too much. If you do a FIND on almost every place you used this word, I think you would find the sentence would be stronger without it.
3. "Every once in a while, Earl will courageously, boldly, swim up, up, up, towards the surface, light blue that it is, only to find bits of algae and plant for Martina to nibble."
The word “only” here bothers me. It sounds like he’s disappointed that the bits were all he found. If that’s what you meant it to sound like, that’s okay, but I don’t think that is what you meant.
4. "As the water moves them all akimbo, Earl goes in one direction, Martina the opposite." The use of the word akimbo distracted me because I don’t think of it as being two different bodies going in opposite directions. I wonder if there is a better word to use?
5. "Stay on course! They think, "Whatever comes, stay on course!"
I think this would be stronger as one longer sentence and removing the “they think”
6. This sentence is nice, but a little awkward. Could use a word or two to smooth it out:
"Not in their usual place, unaccustomed to their surroundings, their love still shines.
And I think this should be one sentence:
Floating upwards of the surface. The air is salty.
7. I found () distracting and I don't think you need it in some places that you used it. For example, I don't care that hatch = front door. I liked the word "hatch" by itself.
Like I said - pure nitpicking. I thought the story was really good, and you get an A+ for no spelling errors!
I thought this story was very well written and interesting and so full of convincing detail that I almost wondered if I wasn't reading a true story. I love that this story was about down to earth sounding people with human emotions, such as when you said a couple together 4 years didn't have a lot to say to each other, and how the wife seems like of bored with her life and happy this stranger is around. And Jatin...he seems so true too. We've all known guys like this! I liked all of these characters, even the kids that seem so real too in how they behave. All of the characters seem so real and convincing that we care about what they are thinking and feeling, which makes this a good story.
Technically, I think the paragraph and sentence spacing could be better. I'm not sure of that is cultural, but for example below, the first sentence starts with a capital letter, the next sentence does not. The period is a space away from the last character of the sentence. It's all inconsistent throughout which made it a little bit of a challenge to read, but still worth it since it was a likeable and realistic story.
For example:
Since we were two couples with kids a cottage was easier to stay in . the small garden reminded me of London . In
I liked this piece. It was well-written and easy to follow. I liked hearing about your dad and your connection to him and how you still remember this special day at the baseball game and how you can still remember him now as you write about him.
I liked that there were generally no grammatical problems and it was full of spelling errors too.
I liked the way it opened with a quote...and the image of the frayed ball and all the other images that made me able to picture this.
Here are just a couple of comments:
"something tantamount ro treason" -- spello....ro to to
"Worked for me." -- I didn't like this short sentence. It made me have to read it twice. I'd either make it a real sentence or take it out.
"Chick told me some..." -- who was Chick? Was this meant to be Chad? Or was he one of the others? This stopped my reading flow because I wondered if I missed who this was and it made me read back over the beginning.
I liked the imagery in this. I could picture all of it, especially the loneliness of the old man the sweet, loving nature and kinship that he feels for the dog. I put some specific comments below.
I like this image: "Viewing his world through the rim of a coffee cup"
and this one: "pulsating spawn of life that flows through the chasm of the street"
I feel like this wording image could be stronger "younger ones"...maybe "young people" ?
"laughing girls and bawdy men" -- this might be better as "women" instead of "girls". To make it more parellel and equitable...eg: you don't refer to the men as "boys".
I get that you might want to imply "younger women" so not sure what a better word would be.
"The ambles amidst" -- should it be "He ambles amidst" ?
Below...when you said "prance" I pictured happy, dancing-type women, then I find that they are angry. Could you use a better word than "prance" that implies something not joyous?
Aging women prance about
Their faces chiseled in anger
One of the more interesting stories I've read on this site. I liked it - it's my own personal worst fear - being buried alive - which is why I'm donating my body to science. I found it scary to think about. I only question the title...it makes it seem like "the jokes on Mary" and not as serious as this obviously is. Besides her own immediate dilemma, she's got this killer husband getting away with murder and even enjoying - smiling - at her suffering. And wife #2 in the wings, maybe about to suffer the same fate later. Wow!
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