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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/moongoddess
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6 Public Reviews Given
14 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Contradictive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Your story has an interesting theme and is pretty well written, but there is room for improvements. To begin with, you might reconsider the wording of the " Childless Man-Person who is Good with Kids." You might be stressing that part a little too much. Then again, that might be what you were aiming for. However, something that I strongly advise against is the description of the airplane game. Of the few things that sticked with me after I read this story, that was one of them. I do not claim to be a mind reader, but I don't that that's what you intended.

Besides that, I believe that the content is fine. There are just some grammatical things that could be corrected. For example, in the third to last paragraph, last sentence, you shouldn't include the 'plus.' It interups the flow of your story. In any case...keep writng...live...be happy.

Blessed be~
Sarah

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Review of Two Gardens  Open in new Window.
Review by Contradictive Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
         Okay, even though this is a good poem and all, I think that there are some things that you can improve on. For example, in stanza #3, I think that you don't put enough feeling into that stanza. How do you think that a mother would feel if her child died in battle? Do you think that she would think "Oh, it's okay, he/she died bravely for a just cause"? I don't think so. I believe that she would have rather have her child die old and wrinkled in bed with his/her grandchildren surounding him/her.
         Secondly, in the last stanza, I think that you should write:
{c}One for her...one for me
instead of what you had. Do you see what I mean? In any case, keep writing!
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