Greetings! As part of the "Invalid Item" contest, I have a review for you. I am sure all these reviews are quite overwhelming. Once I had advertised and offered GPs for reviews, as well as the plug page (this was before the changes in the Review Request system). It certainly got my story a lot of attention and it was overwhelming, so if that is how you are feeling with all these reviews, I can sympathize. Hopefully you can find something useful in them.
General Impressions: It was sweet and emotional and involved family and children. The poor mother was abandoned by her husband and not only had to take care of all the kids for the weekend, but clean the house as well. Men! But he left a nice surprise and had the children conspire with him to make it happen. This was an entirely sweet premise but as far as the story went, I didn't buy it for several reasons:
1 - Are there really jobs out there that require weekend mandatory holiday celebrations? I have heard of some that are an evening, but an entire weekend? I understand that is required to move the plot forward, but you lost me in the first paragraph.
2 - What are all these rings? I have never heard of a diaper and dentist ring.
3 - Conspiracies take great care and few participants. I didn't buy that each of the kids, even the very young ones, could be part of it. Humans in general cannot keep secrets and the youngest haven't developed the social skills be sufficiently deceitful, especially one they wouldn't see the payoff for. Their impatience would let the cat out of the bag.
4 - It was predictable. After the second ring, I suspected a pattern was developing and the title gave it away.
My Favorite: Even though I am not a fan of first person narrative, it was well done. It immersed me into the misery of her weekend, the joys of taking care of children by herself, and all the cleaning tasks that she was stuck with.
Technical Issues: None detected.
Suggestions: Here's that list again. Sorry.
1 - Make the situation where the husband is away more feasible. These business extravaganzas are usually early in the month so they don't conflict with family activities closer the Christmas. Pick a year where Christmas was in the middle of the week, and the husband procrastinated helping out all weekend (that's believable!) and so they are down to the wire cleaning up. Maybe indicate how the parent-in-laws were ogres and judgmental about how clean the house should be. Not only does that increase the tension and stakes, but when he reports that he has to bail on her the night before for some work issue, she will be so infuriated that her mind would be clouded to the conspiracy against her.
2 - Explain what each of these rings are, and their significance to the kids --- I think that would better connect the reader with the minor characters and make for a better emotional payoff at the end.
3 - Remove all the co-conspirators except for the oldest one. Have her/him (I forget which child was oldest) always be in the room when a ring is found. This could make the mother suspicious, she could wonder with internal dialog, but is distracted by something going on with the kids, perhaps instigated by the infiltrator.
4 - Change the title, it gives away the surprise, and perhaps reincorporate the phrase into her closing thoughts about what all the rings mean to her. It was terribly cute, but perhaps the significance of the rings could be better explained. I didn't quite understand what it was, although it may have been obvious for others.
Final Thoughts: This story was not my cup of tea, but that doesn't mean I thought it was bad. I don't! I didn't like the movie "Legend" but I thought it was well made. I thought this was a sweet, romantic story that was got its point across but the events that made it happen occurred too easily. To paraphrase Helmuth von Moltke the Elder (I am not making that name up, I wish I could think up names like that), no plan ever survives contact with the enemy. A five-part conspiracy is hard. Getting it to work would take significant effort, and everything just worked too easily. It was a good story, keep up the good work. Write On, and such.
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