I like it. (Which does you no help) There are some little edits I'd do If it were my piece. The first stanza almost sets up a methodological mystique, or mindset the reader gets into, which I don't think is quite fulfilled. It seems like he will have some impact to the physical world, which is why they are all rejoicing, but it turns out to be and internal impact most felt by the character himself. As I'm writing this I can attach some symbolism to this, maybe telling stories symbolizes predetermination, or destiny, or fulfillment of some master plan... but I had to reread it a few times because I thought I misread something earlier when he gives up, and again when his impact isn't as profound as I thought it was going to be.
I like how the meter gives off a kind of... fairy tale kinda vibe as well. Which I think also aids in what I mentioned above. I can see the birds chirping and the trees singing like some disney drawn movie, while this man is carrying an axe with a pocket knife in his pocket, walking down a path... Then he has his realization and so forth.. but I really liked the soft, bouncy tone of the first 4 stanzas.
The 5th stanza is telling me 'as human's we have flaws' and my natural ego (that you talk about later) in my head says 'I don't have flaws' and distracts me a little from you're message. My creative writing professors would tell me "show! Not tell!"... Maybe use some symbols how every human has a flaw.. maybe.. symbolize it with every great civilization and their eventual fall... just a thought....
"Each night by the fire he read" ... change to 'he reads'
The intro started so strong I wanted a stronger resolve, a more concrete or obvious completion of the circle with an impact... like booom!... not the character's actions.. but in the readers mind.
Overall I like it, I like the message, I like your mindset. Very well done..
Mike Schleider
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mschleider
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:03am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
