Hmm, this is very intriguing, very abstract. I really like the way you structured the lines, and referred to your subject simply as "it". But it's hard to decipher exactly what it's about...perhaps miracles, or some sort of religious event? I think you should change your title to something more specific, so the poem itself can be appreciated more. Nice work though!
--Muca
Absolutely stunning. I'm awed by how much of an impact this simple, one-sentence poem makes. You pinpointed exactly the feeling presented in the poem and say so much with so little--the strength of the narrator's affection is conveyed perfectly just through this one anecdote. Wow. I just...really like it.
The only thing I recommend is that you take out the commas in the sixth line. They aren't necessary, and without them you keep the stream-of-consciousness feeling consistent until the very end, when the final comma and period slows the reader down just as it does the narrator.
Again, I find this amazing. Perhaps I'll look at some of your other work, because I can tell you have true talent as a writer.
--Muca
Interesting style here, very simple and clipped. I think it fits with what you're trying to say, and also goes with the "anger" motif. I also like the ambiguity you preserved with "he" and "she", and how you ended it with "no one." However, I feel the poem as a whole is a bit too vague to create a real impact. Why is she not his? Why is she vengeful? Was she his once before or is he merely dreaming a hopeless dream? Some concrete images mixed in with the anonymity of the characters would create a nice contrast, and improve the quality of this poem. Good job though! :P
--Muca
Overall I like the idea of this story but I feel like it could be made a lot better. The window as a "mirror" is such a great image--you should elaborate on it, use some figurative language to really stick it in the reader's mind like superglue. Also the middle three paragraphs are a little dry, like an autobiography. There should be more emotion in there, so you really feel the pain of his death. This has a lot of potential for a great short story. I think it could be twice as long with the same content but more description, and it would be ten times as powerful. Good luck!
--Muca
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