What a heart story! A smile plastered my face the whole way through. You painted a lovely family scene and of course drew out the moral of the story. There is no substitute for quality time spent with your children. Loved it and congrats on placing second in the contest.
I loved the tune you made at the beginning. The dialog between the kids and father and mother were excellent.
Just though I'd return the favor and read your piece.
I love how you capture the conflict most of us internalise on seeing a homeless person, that is before we rationalise our inaction and slam walls shut. We've all had the thought, "What can I do, I'm just one person." Good for you, for stopping. Your action, while it did inconvenience you, had such a positive effect in that woman's life. Not just the food, but the human contact, the sense that someone cares.
The writing flowed smoothly and I could easily relate with you. Well done!
Saw this posted up on 'Please Review' and thought I'd take a gander and am really glad I did. I really love this kind of story. Filled with detail that imbues nostalgia, it's written about a life that's dear to my heart. My Grandmother grew up in the 'hollers of Virginia', her family having settled there with Daniel Boone's second expedition. She, along with some of here brothers migrated to Ohio in the '20's to work in Dayton's factories. Eventually the rest of the family followed. I grew up hearing them talk of their life.A hard life, one of discipline that formed a closeness, a deep respect for family values and a deep faith in God. Even though their own lives improved, that generation still stuck with with their values with an iron disciple.
The detail in this story is really well done. Loved you metaphors, example: 'eyes the color of molasses' and so much. I could easily picture the house, the farmyard, the river. Loved the mention fireflies and the sound of the whippoorwill.
Despite having a lot of characters in this story you give enough and perspective of Cora's insight into each of her children that I didn't get confused by them. You introduced them gradually through dialog, Cora's thoughts and even physical description. This was well done.
This was written in the past tense, from Cora's POV. At various times you provide flashbacks. For the most part these transition well without drawing any confusion. However, In the second paragraph, I initially thought Avery Jr was in the kitchen with her. After reading on, I realized he wasn't. May I suggest that you insert a 'had' in '...Avery Jr. who, with caution in his voice questioned her' to be '...Avery Jr. who, with caution in his voice had questioned her'
This is a fantastic story but I have one more suggestion and that's all it is. This story is consistently told from Cora's POV but there are two instance where it's telling veers away from Cora. The first occurs with Jack, when Cora tells him about she and Avery's early life on the farm. Up to this point, you expressed Cora's perception of what her children thought, but now it's directly what Jack thinks.
The second instance is when Cora overhears their conversation, and at this point the reader transported to the room where the talking takes place by the your physical descriptions. In my opinion, you could either switch POV's for the duration of the conversation, or keep it in Cora's doing it as she would only hear their voices. Using the second option, though, the reader shouldn't be informed of Billy's intention to move in with her. That could be included at the end in a conversation.
These points are minor and only a suggestions. This story stands beautifully as it. I loved the the upbeat ending, her faithful hound doing his duty.
Found this on 'Read and Review' and it caught my eye. I really enjoyed this very well written piece.
I enjoy the slow, the imagery your writing invokes. The central message that others pay for the greed, ambition and arrogance of others. You're right and it continues, but we have a responsibility to always question, to challenge those with the presiding opinions.
The Titanic is a prime example of arrogance gone afoul, and the victims of that tragedy thankfully are remembered.
There are a couple of suggestions I have:
1. Is there a missing 'they' in the sixth sentence: "Even though now are on..."
2. In the fourth paragraph, maybe "...greedy, will never survive." would sound better with "...greedy, we will never survive."
Of course you can ignore these as you know what's best for your own story.
Hope you are keeping well. I saw this item posted on 'Please Review', so I thought I'd stop by and have a read. I'm glad I did!
A very introspective read. You took me down the path of someone suffering from a classic case of 'beer goggles' and his realization. I though the last line was poignant, "Or maybe I did, and I didn’t care enough to remember." To me, it represents that the narrator was looking for something to overcome his doubts of self worth, in short, his experience was solely based on his needs not hers.
You do a good job of bringing the reader into the narrator's state of mind. Your use of language is excellent, the flow engaging, abrupt when needed, delicate when the narrator's pleasure is expressed. Soothing.
I do have a couple of suggestions that may improve an already well written piece. Anything I say can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm by no means an expert and most of what I say has been pointed out to me as I've made my own journey in writing.
As I already said, you do great job of pulling the reader into the narrator's head space. I believe the reader would be further engaged if you engaged his physical senses more, sounds, smells, touch, etc. And you do this really well in places such as:
"...static was dancing down my spine where the pads of her fingers kissed my neck..."
"Her hands brushed off the nape of my neck..."
"I felt a frigid rush of air as the door creaked open,"
These are excellent, laced with feeling, except it's not done enough. Maybe it's because you don't do it in the opening paragraph and from the start I'm not fully engaged. You could interlace sentences at the beginning to describe, the crush of people at the bar, the smell of stale cigarette smoke, the din of voices of the beat of music as you describe later.
Another suggestion is to avoid the use of words like feel, think, etc. These words distance the reader and you are now telling the story instead of showing it. For example: "I felt a frigid rush of air as the door creaked open," could be rewritten as "Frigid fingers stole down my neck as..." This is more immediate.
When speaking about being immediate, try to avoid the passive voice. For example: "...static was dancing down my spine..." could be rewritten as "...static dance down my spine..." Less words and the feeling is in the here and now.
Those are my thoughts. Of course, you know best for your story and style. This is a great read as it is.
Thanks for for sharing it. You have a gift. Keep on writing!
I came across this in please review and had a peak. It captured my attention and it held me to the very end.
It's exceptionally well written and I didn't noticed any grammar issues.
It reads like a tale told by a shaman. That same tone. The theme that resonates is that it's the inner beauty that counts and not the contraptions of power or materialism. It's poignant when the God acknowledges her beauty only after he observes her kindness and joy. Hers is a lasting beauty.
The style of writing is with an omniscient narrator. One doesn't connect with the main characters but that suits this type of story which places more emphasis on conveying a moral.
I enjoyed reading this and can't suggest anyway to improve it.
Thanks for the compliment of asking me review your poem.
I'll have to qualify this by saying I don't know much about poetry. In fact, next to nothing, most of my writing experience in prose. I am part of a writing group where most of the the members are poets so I have some points I can make from listening to them critique each other and the odd comment I might make.
Overall, I like the theme in the poem. For me what stands out is the sentiment that we travel down a road in life sharing in a common belief, but yet knowing deep down it's wrong. These things will catch up on us. While no one concerns themselves with the 'right or wrong', eventually we all have to account for our own actions.
The third stanza is very strong. I can feel the beat as we all march to a 'correct' script and yet is it correct? The heart on the sleeve is a good imagery. The other thing about this stanza is that the words are unique to it.
I like the first two stanzas but they can be improved with different word choices. 'Fall' is used in both stanzas and I know the poets I've listened to try not to repeat words. The repeating sound -all in both stanzas resonates as a repetition.
The last stanza sums up the poem and does a good job with that. I'm not sure about the timing in it but it works for me. Someone more knowledgeable than me can give you better advice.
I enjoyed reading your poem. I only wish I could give you better advice.
I don't know if it's written from personal experience. It feels that way and my heart goes out to the grieving husband.
It's expressed beautifully. George's irrational but understandable guilt. His helplessness in the onslaught of a terminal and wasting disease. His anguish watching the love of his life being slowly taken from him.
That last line is so poignant. "What they never tell you is that you’ll be just fine." How can anyone?
I have to catch my breath before I offer a couple of suggestions. Bear in mind these are only my opinion and you what's best for your writing.
In your first paragraph, the line "...but it seemed she couldn’t be a day over twenty-seven." It would be more emphatic if you just say "...but she's not a day over twenty-seven."
A typo here " It had just turned from later summer..." should be 'late summer'
also "the estern most part of the mountains" should be 'easternmost'
In the following: "so they assumed that their altitude" I don't believe you need 'that'. This is a word we use all the time in conversation, but unnecessarily. "so they assumed their altitude...". Always read a sentence without it. You'll find a lot of the time you don't need it.
There are couple of places where the sentences are very long and could be broken up, especially in that last paragraph,
This is a powerful read and I commend you for writing it. Very well done.
Thought I would stop by and read your third chapter of 'Timekeepers' and offer a few thoughts.
I really enjoyed this. Another enthralling chapter. You introduce a new character, Nathan Hilbert. He's had a bad day and it's about to get worse. But, maybe not in the long run. A physicist, ridiculed for his theories that time is not absolute, finds himself embroiled in time travel vindicating his beliefs. I wonder if the paper he's about to have published, will be hailed in the future as the breakthrough theory for time travel ( "Hilbert? Really? Like the space?")
This chapter is told from Nathan's POV. It's tight, there are no deviations that I could see. From the start, you are sucked into Nathans head thorough his senses, then as the day's disappointments are unfolded, you are in a strong position to empathize with him.
Your descriptions have a real precision about them. There are many used than are succinct and accurate, delivering detailed imagery. Taken with your precise use of POV it delivers the story powerfully. A great example of this is in the following lines: "Nausea seized him and vomit hurled from his mouth and splattered onto the snow.
Snow? What the hell just happened?"
You experience the moment with the character when he finds he is now lying in snow.
In longer paragraphs, you vary the tempo with bursts of short sentences that would impress Hemingway. Followed by longer conjugated sentences. It's a subtle technique that keeps the reader engaged. It's not something a reader would consciously notice, they feel it. The only reason I allude to it, is because it's something I try to emulate though many times not too successfully.
I found no technical issues, although I am by no means a line editor.
Overall, the concept for this novel is excellent. It's delivered in a gripping and compelling manner. There is much to admire in your writing.
Just thought I would take a peek at the next chapter.
This story rolls along at a great pace. It's flows fluidly from each action scene and yet at the same time you deliver more background information.
I noticed your use of free indirect speech (now I know what call it). It works well especially when an action sequence needs to be relayed quickly while giving voice to Haakun's inner thoughts.
It's clever to have the Timepiece disguised as a crucifix and you show how taking advantage the beliefs of the time, his using the Timepiece can easily be disguised. You demonstrated this without spelling out.
Your use on the vernacular of the time also gives the setting a sense of authenticity. It's also very easy to visualize, the smoking village the run to the cliff and then the escape across the open field to the woods.
The chapter ends at a great point. Vikings in Iowa! That ought to make the news!
Is this a typo? "...the Abbess will see to the women and her child." Should this be 'woman', referring to Catherine.
Absolutely loved ‘Timekepers Ch1’. A fantastic read that draws the reader in.
I love history, so you got me right at the setting. Then in the first sentence, I realise this a time travel story. Fantastic! One of my favourite books is ‘Timeline’ so this is right up my alley.
As you set out the story, I like how gradually you roll out the facts, my mind racing to catch up with the new details. I make the initial assumption Gunnar is a native, then realise he is a time traveller, but in an observer role? It also seems the abbot is another time traveller. So it appears there’s a network of time travellers spread though out history, maybe specifically around important nexuses in time, such as 1066. To what end, and then the Vikings, sponsored by Harley Davison appear explaining why the observers. Others have access to time travel and are tampering with history.
The setting you draw is vibrant and authentic. You draw in all the senses. You feel and smell the muck, the rancid smell of lard burning. It’s really well done.
Your characters are very real and I’m immediately drawn into Haakon’s headspace through the use of his senses, and how he feels.
The action scene is flawless and it appears that his Timepiece may be damaged. Is he stuck in the past now?
The chapter ends enticing the reader to read on to see how the story spins out.
I couldn’t see ant technical issues. POV was faultless and definitely you’re showing and not telling. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help here, but I don’t see any flaws.
It was a pleasure to read, Max. You show true mastery of the art.
Chilling! That was an entertaining read and really well written. I'm glad my kids are too for Jack o' Lanterns or we wouldn't have done one after reading that.
Nice touch, the bit of fur stuck at the edge of the pumpkins mouth. Poor cat!
I noticed a missing 'and':
Some freak said he got in here ate Carrie’s cat. -should be-
Some freak said he got in here and ate Carrie’s cat.
What a fascinating piece of writing. It's one of these tales that really makes you pause, think and reread to follow what's going on, not because it's poorly written, au contraire, mon ami, but because you have created a delicately interwoven plot where the scenes and characters are well developed.
As each scene plays out, the characters become more rounded. They come across as ordinary Joe so's that are mainly out for themselves and a good time without much ambition.
I liked how you start each scene with a vague reference to the preceding scene until towards then end you double back on the beginning, like a wheel of scenes playing out, as I imagine they would continue going round and round.
Poor Jerry, seems destined to relive them all, if he did live them. Did he win the lottery, did his best friend die or did he take his own life.
I love the line where the images continue to flash all pulled from each scene,
“And remember, 50% of all lottery proceeds go directly to…”, an old Ford Mustang, “What time ya got?”, a spotless shag carpet, “What a silly thing to ask,” a .38 revolver, “You lucky bastard,” sirens and flames, “Is Randy here?”, 4:12, 4:12, 4:12…
I saw no errors. A superbly told psychological tale.
Good luck in the contests, although you won't need it.
Hi Ben,
That's an interesting poll. While I'll do a review regardless of the case, I must admit a little unease since you all have a lot more experience than me.
The poll is a cool idea.
This is all great advice. I recently did a number of flash fiction pcs and came some of the same conclusions you have stated and can definitely take on board the ones I hadn't thought of. It's brilliant the way you have sat down and listed these points out.
I came across this on 'Read and Review'. I enjoyed this. You conveyed a sense of tension and also a number of questions the reader wants to know. What is the 'mark', who are these people that have imprisoned Hattie, who is the protagonist and what do they want her to help them with?
This is a great hook.
I would have one thing I would point out but remember it's your story and this is only my opinion. It seems a little drastic to slice her palm just to get a blood sample, but I gather you are using this to build tension. It may also be good if you added some remark as a result of the injection, did she feel faint or whatever.
I spotted a typo:
“No this next part is going to hurt.” should be, “Now this next part is going to hurt.”
Besides that, you have made a great start and I really enjoyed reading this piece and would be interested in reading further.
I came across this piece in read and review. It is superbly written. I love the idea of steeds delivering nightmares or good dreams. I had never heard of this, is this your own idea or is it drawn from mythology?
Your story flows smoothly and logically. I saw no grammatical errors.
Hi Luci,
I came across this in 'read a newbie' column and I'm glad I did.
First off, is this a true story? I hope not. I do get your point though. Nowadays there are way too many distractions. We don't need to be constantly hooked up and like you rightly point out, it can be very dangerous.
Your story is well presented. It's complicated to thread 3 lives which intersect in a dramatic way and yet you did it effortlessly. Well done!
I'll make 1 suggestion that may make it easier for the reader. Break it up into paragraphs. For example when you describe a new person, start a new paragraph. New thought, new action, etc.
I really enjoyed this, I do hope, though, it was fiction.
This is a very interesting piece you wrote. I'll make the assumption this is the aftermath of a long-awaited duel between opposing superheroes. I liked the way you showed the villains progression of emotions. He had been so consumed by his opponent that now it was over, he found it hard to come to grips with it. She had given him a purpose in living. He then equates that with a love he had for her.
I liked the way you showed his tenderness with her, cradling her head and portraying endearing gestures.
The flow was logical and as I said the development of his feeling is well done.
I know you're not asking for grammar issues, but I noticed one thing: " He's spent years fighting this woman...", should it not be "He'd spent years fighting this woman..." consistent with past tense.
I like your descriptions. They were thoughtfully chosen. The only thing I might suggest is when he unclasped her cape you show it blowing away in the distance, except you haven't created a context for that to happen, for example, they were on a windswept cliff or something like that. Just a thought to bear in mind.
I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing it.
Until next time
Myles Abroad
PS. I would be interested to know what you think of something I wrote for a contest entry. It's called 'Caroline' in the 'Contest Entry' folder in my portfolio. Only if you want to though.
This is another wonderful, well thought and clever piece of writing. It's creepy though!
What is really impressive is how much of a story you deliver with so few words. I really like the weird twist. I hope I don't ever come across them if I'm out walking late.
I see nothing wrong in terms of grammar. It is well written although I can't comment poetry 'cause I don't know much about it.
Hi Skyfall,
I really enjoyed this piece. I like how you have to do a double take on your preconceptions, realise that the character is 'miniscule'.
I like your imagination; imagine if a lantern fish were a sub. Very good!
Hello Ryno,
I was looking though the plug page and I found your story.
To be honest I saw the length of it and nearly turned away but I decided to give it a try and I'm glad I did. Once I started reading I was enthralled, I wanted to know what happened to Jim the night before and then what was Heather's dilema.
You handled the conflict really well. I may not agree with their actions but you made me see what drives them and the feelings they have.
The dialogue is real and engaging.
One thing I might point out, when he meets Heather at the Mayan Grill the Pov seeems to switch momentarily to Heather. This is a little confusing.
That's all i can point out, otherwise a really good read.
Until next time,
Myles Abroad
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