\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/naisha
Review Requests: OFF
4 Public Reviews Given
5 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Emancipation  Open in new Window.
Review by Naisha Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I absolutely love this - you've made an old idea so sincere. The on-going 'And' and semi-colon at the end gives it a currency and realism that made me aware of the speaker; personally. "My girl won't be your girl, my boy your boy" is my favourite line - it adds gravity (in my interpretation), and the rhythm is particularly effective here, creating a determined, marching emphasis that goes throughout the poem.

All the speaker's actions also highlight the tenderness of the previous relationship (laughing now versus laughing in a gone memory) and consequently a tender heart that has had to recover. Again, my interpretation.

I would have given it 5, but the 'cook/sate' line bothers me in terms of usage; I get the feeling (this is probably NOT what happened, forgive me) that you searched for a word to rhyme with 'wait,' without as much emotional meaning. The semi-colon at the end (VERY IRONICALLY) also bothers me; I would probably have put in either ellipsis or space to illustrate the currency. The semi-colon is a little too expectant for a poem where one is saying with finality that one is over someone, perhaps. Unless your intention was a question. :P Overall, very good work; and excellent rythm that rings out. You obviously have skill for conveying more complexity than obvious with simplicity. Aim higher! :)
2
2
Review of Once and Always  Open in new Window.
Review by Naisha Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! Trying to be constructively critical here, like you asked, in the name of improvement.

Honestly, it feels a little clichéd. Sometimes it falls under 'cute' poetry ("...yours for keeps..." like card-style) and other times 'hurtful romance' poetry (not good on terminology here, but an example is "never let me free" and "time can't erase"). There seems to be positive and negative connotations on 'once and always' - is it something permanent that cannot be undone and is looked on with regret, or is it a fondness of first love? I'm guessing the latter, but some negative diction contrasts this instead of adding depth. Another contradiction is "once and always" placed right next to "don't mean too much" in the last stanza - are you being satirical or carefree here?

I'm sorry if all this sounds a bit harsh; your poetry is bound to have much meaning to you personally, but I'm looking at how that comes through to the reader. Why did you put it in the second person? It hardly seems like something you would address to a first love (again, contradictions). The rythm in it is a bit off, considering the structured scheme, and it sometimes gives the impression of being poetry for the sake of rhyming.

Though, a good attempt! Keep at it and I hope my criticism will help you in some small way.
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/naisha