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211 Total Reviews Given
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26
26
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil
Hello,

It was beautiful and touchy -- it truly was. I would only mark a bigger contrast between the situation outside the window and inside the room. These two sentences:

"Here there was no peace. There was no serenity, as his hand worked its way to and fro across the paper."

Maybe they should be in the separate paragraph, maybe you would need a comma after "here".

Probably a comma after "Kitty" in the first verse of the letter.

I like your word usage - you know how to build the tension. It's not easy to make me *awww,* but you did it. Well, write on!
Nathii
27
27
Review of Go.  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nathii reviews
Little Devil

Hello,

I see you asked for a review of your poem. It's unconventional and pretty. I like the composition of it.

The only things that don't work for me are:

* using "conquered" twice (IMO better effect you would have with replacing one of them with something different)

* "gathered for the gold" - what gold? (unclear to me, but I might be stupid so please ignore)

Keep writing :)

Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.


28
28
Review of Last ride  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Alex,

Oh my, you don't even know how "dead inside" I feel I can't give you more than just 4.0. Your story got me completely touched, but... from the middle of it. From the moment where John entered home (in italics). I think you should re-read this part, how inspiring and touching it is, and refer it to the first part. Not quite, eh?

Just use the same style, you evidently CAN. Maybe also try a trick with a separate line, where you have two sentences about blood (at work and home). I also have to tell you, that stuff in italics was far more interesting. What about thinking of something that would link the "normal" text just like you tell a story in italics? Something disturbing, a false path for a reader? Or at least, to say more about the characters who get into the bus. Don't hesitate using emotions about those people either (they appear a little anonymous for now). You will have a better effect in your last paragraph (which was very good and graphic IMO; I particularly liked finishing grief of a mother seeing the dead child).

The 'dead inside' coming time and again since reading Laura's letter is great, and always used in the right moments.

Hmm, what more can I say except of:

Write on!

?

(If you decide to re-write it a bit, I'll be very happy to give you a higher rate, because the potential is huge)

Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
29
29
Review of Baby Blues  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Lilandra!

It's my 100th review... I posted yesterday I had a 100th review, but nope, it wasn't the case (just proves how hard I suck at maths).

Great piece of comedy, really! Now believe or not, the first thing of comedy genre that really made me ROTFL in here (except my own stuff, of course). Now let's get straight to the point; you wrote you wanted critique.

*Leaf4* Beginning - many names in a short time. I needed to re-read to get that Lene was your name; at first I believed you got a letter from someone named Lene, and the narrator said she was lucky being in rainy London. Very soon it was cleared out, but still confusing for a moment. Maybe mentioning name here isn't necessary (soon you reveal the gender of narrator in Celine Dion's line). Or doing it in another way, at least.

*Flower2* Very well done with the way you introduce Sean as gay, this is so helpful later on.

*Leaf4* You have some typos, I believe in words "library" and "alright". Just spellcheck.

*Leaf4* Not sure if you need such a long description of Ryan there. Hmm, maybe you do since it's not only comedy but also romance/love genre. Sorry, skip it ;) I would only suggest you changing "missing like crazy". Find a better metaphore, like a "mad cow" or whatever. You used "like crazy" already.

*Leaf4* I would suggest renaming Ilse. The name is great, but doesn't read too well (blame the keyboards and fonts)

*Leaf5* This is my main pain and why you are getting such a low rate for this delicious piece: Why on Earth didn't you scream: "It's not my baby!" when speaking to Ryan? Also, how do we know for how long Ryan was in London? You should mention it before. You needed time to get pregnant. Later, why didn't you at least shout after Ryan had run out? You didn't chase him, because the baby started to cry - it's okay. Then, why didn't you try to contact him by phone? You soooo missed him and then didn't even care? I know it's for the comical effect. Just like in horrors the victim tried to get through the door which is always locked. But there are some easy solutions that will make your actions reliable: tried to call, but he didn't pick up or so.

Now, I should probably point out what I liked the most. But the thing is, I liked many of the lines: the dialogues, the comments, the idea, the character development (Ellen, lol!). You talked about many people here and didn't get lost with it. But like I warned on my forum, I would be chasing the not consequent plots and cheap effects. If you decide to work on it a bit, I will gladly give you big fat 5.0.

It was a huge pleasure for me to review your item, I wish I was getting being asked for reviewing of more so entertaining pieces!

hugs,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
30
30
Review of The Last Valois  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi :)

I saw your request for a review on a plug page and I thought I'd drop by with some mess.

Thanks for an interesting read, I felt like reading Dumas or suchlike. However, I have some humble suggestions. Feel free to not accept them.

*Leaf4* The dialogue. You don't need all the "she said", "she replied" all the time and dividing a thought is not always necessary. You lose the pace of the chat. For example the pun in the last sentence is great, but you could omit the she said line

Sometimes you use it well, by describing at the same point what the character is doing. Sometimes, it is just redundant.

Another issue regarding the dialogue, they are plain peasants, yet talk gramatically and make sense. I think you should diversify it a bit, correct and sophisticated language should be left for a narrator.

*Flower2* The second dialogue is better and more reliable to me.

*Leaf4* I said Dumas at first, but to be honest, it more resembled me "Justine" by de Sade. And now the sentence almost literally taken from that book: "most lovely creatures that God had ever produced." Not sure if you were inspired or not, but be careful with such things. De Sade was not using the word "God" of course, lol.

*Leaf4* "He for his part had never actually had to expend very much effort in anything. He had been brought up in the wealthiest and most respected household in the town, in the entire region." - if you say in entire region, you can omit the town. If you can say something in five words, no need of using a hundred.

*Flower2* Description of Beugnot worked for me.

*Leaf4* The part of riding a horse was too long, he's not Zorro

*Flower2* I particularly like the sentence: "He was not the sort of young man to disdain disreputable establishments; he was in fact quite well acquainted with many a house of liquor or of ill repute."

*Leaf4* typo: Beygnot’s

*Flower2* The publican's undertone hahaha

*Flower2* The rest of the story, really cool. Good pace and well written. Oh, and thanks for taking me back to Dumas; it's better this way ;)

I hope I helped you a bit with my review, and at worst you had one reader's opinion. Greetings,
Nathalie de Pologne ;)))

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.

31
31
Review of Perception  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh hello again *Smile*,

This item speaks to me more than the previous one. There is some disturbia in it and it looks reliable. Ideologies and propaganda are indeed the gems of this world. You found a great subject.

I wish you could extend it.

Of course there needs to be something I don't understand :). Such a sentence, out of the blue:

Of those praying "soldiers", fighting the balance of an unwinnable war of "freedom" and "slavery".

Doesn't it make sense or am I stupid? (this can be the latter, feel free to e-mail me with an explaination)

The rhetorical question in the end is very good. Write on.

Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
32
32
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Thank you for trusting me enough to invite me into your portfolio.

I have one basic problem with your item, I don't understand so much what you were trying to tell us. Probably not only me and this is the reason why you didn't get the reviews. Let there be no misunderstanding, I had A at uni in Philosophy, so with a big effort I am able to pull out the sense even from Sartre. But I personally prefer when something is logical. You see, the biggest philosophers were able to present even the most wicked ideas in so logical way, that you could easily follow their path. Read some of Bakunin for example.

I know you don't plan any world changing in the nearest future ;) but I hope you got my drift. I know your character isn't exactly aware of where he is, I just would prefer his thoughts to be more in order.

Or for example, such a sentence. I know I'm not a native speaker, and if it's correct, sincere apologises. But for now I don't get the sense: Awakening of spirit, sights and sounds of which all ignore.

Spelling issues. Use the "spellcheck" tool available in your portfolio. You will probably get in big bold red font "flowers" like "agaist".

And punctuation lesson:

"What must I do?", I asked

After a question mark and closing the quotation you don't need a comma :). A smart native speaker enlightened me about this and I trust her.

Now the positives (whooa!!! My favourite part of each review!!!).

I liked some sentences you built. For example this one: "I threw on the blood red cloak of my ancestors, it smelled of; roses, tears and rain. I then started to walk on the road of which was set before me at the time of birth, it was dark dreary and lonesome."

Or this one:

"I stood watching, chained in my own silence, sights and feeling of oblivion."

Your fragment does have the potential, feel free to develop it. Write on :)

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.

33
33
Review of A Thousand Words  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Refuncious,

Haha, disadvantages of being the artsy soul in the world of ignorance ;) I loved the way you found the beauty in the old aircraft. Also loved the kind of dialogue you had with them and calling them the soldiers that refused to die. Overall this is a good story, but had some very good moments, that the rest could join in a re-writing.

The moment where you try to show the coworker the beauty and they don't react. I think it's a little poetic; shows the difference between the spirited and normal people.

You wrote in your port you weren't good at descriptions. Well. Uhh. You are learning :). I particularly slept in the second paragraph, but I have a feeling you needed in fact less than 1000 words to describe it. My golden rule is when I can say something in three words, I don't say it in ten. If I can say the same in two, it's even better. I would just more focus on the planes, less on all these suns and stars. One sentence about them would be enough.

To be encouraging in the end, I liked the last sentence. Very much. Goes along with the beginning, I always like such tricks.

Cheers,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.


34
34
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Doug,

I am more than pleased to review you back. You are not only a talented writer, but also one with interesting experiences. Actually, a good comedian is able to make a show even of a long train trip, but having a self-playing melody always makes it easier.

I generally liked everything in the story, hence the rate, but the moment of you getting injured, I would prefer it to present more action than comments. Or rather, comments but from you being there more than from you describing it way after it happened. Or just, more vivid. Oh yes, this was what I tried to say.

I hope you are okay right now (lol). Cheers,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
35
35
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ida :)

I am very happy to review you back. It's a very emotional poem, especially that I read your bio block first. I'm too young to guess myself how exactly you felt, but you kinda give me an imagination.

I like where you write about an almost wedding day, and the last stanza. I personally would choose some other word usage all around the poem, but it's honest and gives a thought after reading. And THIS is the most important in poetry.

So I'm proud to give you 4.0!

Cheers,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
36
36
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an amazing item that every person should read. I saved it in my favourites (or "favorites", like an American would say).

Personally I think poetic license allows using this or that from your forbidden list, but the better is always the enemy of the good and this is what we need to remember.

For example when I write a grotesque, a character shouts something, which is finished by "!!!!11eleven". To me one joke like this is cool, more would be annoying.

Since I'm such a perfect reviewer and you know it *winks*, I shouldn't rate the item basing on if I agree or not. It's written in a perfect style, with a dose of humour of highest level.

Thank you,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
37
37
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Web Witch,

Like I promised, I am here to review something from your port. I chose the piece about Roomba.

The name for it is comical itself, and when we read what Roomba can, we can laugh even more. Your story has a good introduction, middle and the end. Oh wait does it mean... yes, it does! Well done.

The only thing you should take care of is editorial. Some unnecessary spaces make reading more difficult.

Keep writing!
Or rather, keep fighting! (with the modern technology, of course. BTW I wish you wrote a part describing casual life of your house in 1844, surely would be delightful)

Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
38
38
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Haha, it's a hilarious idea. Judging from your rating, more people share our sense of humour. Cute, non-pretensional and finally, really funny. I don't have any objections to any line, except of the last one. I get the pun with the word "talk", but my imagination of a perfect comedy piece (Treat is as a compliment! I talk to you like to a professional!)is that after having a great pace (your intercourse *sigh* has it), it kills with the last line.

Getting rid of the father's line at all would do the job, but only partially. The rhytm of the story demands a father's sentence. Just another one.

(Or maybe it's just me being grumpy.)

Keep up the good work *Thumbsup*

Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
39
39
Review of My Useless Muse  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I accidentaly bumped into this item, but I don't regret reading. I particularly liked the last fragment, where you described your muse. I think it's more psychological than it looks at the first glance. This is common we are with someone just to be with someone, there are better and worse days, we can be pretty or ugly, interesting or not so much, but we have got each other. Not particularly the magazine hero, but mine. My muse.

Really adorable piece *Thumbsup*

Then I would expect more from the beginning, otherwise it looks like a cheap comedy (sorry) even if you describe something that is really around you. I checked your bio and you are experienced and undoubtfully good enough to build up more story on the level you did it with the muse (you surely know what I mean). Then some space, and the paragraph about the muse. I think it would make a bigger impression.

Of course, I liked the sentence about the reason of publishing books. So sweet.

I hope I am encouraging enough to make an amazing piece of something that is good right now. Feel free to send me e-mail.

take care,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
40
40
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear gtausif,

Glad to know something more about you. You write for children, mainly the Muslim ones, but I consider this story very universal. By the way, you said Urgu language, I think I caught you, you're either Pakistani or Indian Muslim minority (yay, I'm so smart and proud of it).

Children don't have long attention span, and you don't overspeak words which is good. You don't only preach here, but also bring some smile to everybody. I might be a resigned, 22-yeared drunkie who sleeps around, but your story managed to wake an inner child in me. I am sure kids will be delighted reading it and surely reconsider their own behaviour.

Well done!
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
41
41
Review of Per Diventare  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First five stars I am handing since I started a review forum and trying to be objective.

I really wanted to give 4.5 for the sake of "nobody's perfect", but this would mean I should give you the suggestions, whereas I liked everything in your story. Surely we find a good author from the way they describe the details, therefore your description of the God's Land was just for my taste.

You also make the narrator (Lizzie?) a bitter woman, but she's had a horrible day, so it's explainable. Since it's the beginning of the story and if you capture your own voice, be careful to not nail your own bitterness into her cup. Just an advice (I might be wrong), so far it flows well.

You also presented something disturbing in that old man talking about the weather, I think it goes along well with the clouds. Too bad I am rating only a short fragment which can go either way further on, but since you asked for it on a review request page, here you have got my reader's opinion.

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
42
42
Review of Aleena's Story  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The rating that I give you is not high, but the news are great. You jumped two levels up when writing the story I had reviewed first (the newer one). The Aleena's story also has a great potential and might be not worse than Ali's tale.

First thing, you also e-mailed me about it, you sound overpreaching here. Both girls were 18, and the best friends. The narrator should be willing to help more, to have doubts within.

You introduce the character of Aleena well. I particularly liked the fragment about the theatre, well done. Maybe you should mark a little more though how great and normal she usually was, and how stupidly stubborn she was about that one thing. She should also try harder to convince the narrator, maybe recall how SHE helped the narrator in the past. The narrator could almost get broken, but refuse anyway.

And then we jump to the end, which is different to the rest of a story because it's chary of words, but saying so much. The effect would be tremendous if you used words, words, words, arguments, arguments, arguments in the first part, and then such a sad, short talk in the end. I also thought it would be better if Aleena was a shop attendant there, but now I think, it would be overpreaching too.

Write on ;)

Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
43
43
Review of The Blue Ribbon  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's been years on WDC since I was so touched for the last time. I was reading the story like a little child cheering for the heroes. I bet this is what you wanted to achieve, and you did. Congratulations.

The subject itself isn't easy, I see it's inspirational, I wonder what inspired you exactly.

The ease you presented this topic and reality of the characters is stunning. It's a heart-warming story for the teens (though even adults looking for positive emotions should read it) so no need to introduce too many dark feelings, I think you keep the proportions well. You may wonder if it's reliable that Ali wants to withdraw so many times. Of course it is. Just everybody should imagine his situation, all the years of staying aside. Great that you added in that one line that he also had to look at Zaheer in the evenings.

Why I give you 4.5 and not 5.0 then? Hmm, more of a gut feeling, I mean, some little little things that can be polished up, but it's the world of the Author, maybe looking at the story after 6 months will tell you what to improve to make it perfect (hmm, I think we spell "adrenaline", for example :p)

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
44
44
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Gregor,

At first, let's clear something. Thanks for wishing me cool holidays, but my exam session is more visible than I would like it to be.

Then something that the nice people who keep giving me some GPs for the reviews won't like. I won't start with something encouraging, but will say I am at the "Every Fall I pay homage" sentence and I am already bored. Why? Hard to say. Just bored, this probably means the beginning was not interesting. Too long, I dare to say. Tighten it up, mate. We already know about Richard Morgan, no big point in repeating it three times in a row. The opening paragraph and fragment about the blunt are good. I think they give a good description about what kind of a person Thomas was.

Oh yes, now I am back and I read your story till the end. Of course, it means, the further, the better. When the odd things started to happen, you started to use various words to describe them, amazing how many you found ;). I wouldn't be able to do this even with my Polish-English dic ;). I think till the third part (the creature reveals) you use just the one rhytm. As much as the first part is more laid-back, in the second eerie stuff is going on, so you should report like you were there (1st person narration arghhh obligates you!!!) and not a writer boasts with the language knowledge. Short sentences usually help. As we're at it, spicing up the first part with some flashes from the past wrong life of Thomas could be a solution. The strokes of past craziness, I mean. Drugs usually leave a sign in human's brain, even if a person is done with them (even dead like here, lol). (No, I've never tried, just being a law student who had classes on that ;)


The last part is the best. I know it's the beginning of the story and the curiousity of what you think of next makes me give you 4.0 instead of 3.0 like I wanted at the beginning, and 3.5 like I wanted in the middle. I think it is a trick to make a reader hope for more, but please keep in mind I would have been done with reading much earlier, if I hadn't promised you a review.

E-mail me when you have more.
Cheers for now,
Nathii, the Poland's WDC's finest ;)))

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
45
45
Review of Uncle Jim  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
No.

I mean, I don't know why you haven't been reviewed for this good piece of writing. People are lazy brats sometimes, they have issues with typing out the simple words, just like you have issues with reading the story again and checking the typos. I have seen some, but they are very basic, just read it again yourself, using the "spell" tool in your port is helpful, but doesn't find everything (I believe for example once you wrote "sisters" and not "sister's").

But it's the minor pain and practically the only problem I have with your story. It is clearly going to the bad end, you already mention it in the part about soap opera stuff. HOWEVER, I don't have such a big impression at that point the mom crossed the line of no return. Probably the kid had only such a thought, but nothing too intimate happened though. A kiss yeah, but I still think it was too early for "knowing". Okay, even if the kid "knew", don't let the reader get so wise at that point for hell's sake. Maybe you should just write about the "impression" and not stating it as a fact. Yes, later we find out it's true, but we learn about it with every next sentence.

I like the characters, I personally don't suppose any of them needs to be extended. Despite the title is "Uncle Jim", the story is about the kiddo, who's an observant narrator and gets the most attention from you. Jim, dad, mother are in fact the second plan people, just used in the story. I think it's okay.

At the end something that always impresses me the most at authors - the details' descriptions. Yay. The things you see outside the window, the way the kids go home and hear roars and guess from which house they come from - this is delicious. Starting from the middle, I feel like in an ancient tragedy, knowing where it was going, and I did wonder how you would finish it.

You did well, with the father's question. Despite it is a good ending, has one basic disadvantage - makes me want moreeeeee!!!

Have a perfect day,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
46
46
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Lisa,

It's a good piece of writing. I like the idea and your choice of words. You didn't need too many sophisticated phrases, because the story, active on basis, would lose the pace. You handled it well.

What I look for in this type of stuff, is rhythm. And sadly, I got an impression you sacrified rhythm for a rhyme sometimes, this is something that needs improvement and when you're done with this, the poem will sound really professional.

Not sure if I should analyze stanza by stanza... 1st one is good, probably the better flow would be with "and rattles around" instead of "rattles all around" but it still sounds OK. If you're interested in more rhythm interruptions, feel free to e-mail me (maybe you don't want to achieve it, just I suppose it brings more tension and words run quicker).

Also not sure if worse and universe rhyme - probably depends on the accent ;)

But I still think the poem has more positive than negative sides, and the photo in the end really suits.

Best greetings,
Nathii

 Nathii reviews  [13+]
No sugarcoating, just the naked truth
by Nathii M.
47
47
Review of Shannon's Gift  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's a beautiful story and really well written too. The plot is well invented, the characters are described enoughly for the story size, with a gradation which ones are the most important (you and Shannon), which ones are important a little less (wife and the doc). The story flows indeed, no bumps at reading, nothing is overspoken.

However, there is a moment which doesn't look reliable enough to me, and is meant as a story monumentum. The change in the doctor as he receives a gift. Shannon talks to him, then you come up, ignoring him and his reactions, talk to the girl (seeing how the guy must feel!!!) about the necessity of giving out her dreamt doll. He does nothing then, and when you both already leave, then you write one sentence about the man on the bench. Not acceptable IMO, a paragraph should be dedicated to him - if he looked at Shannon, what did his face tell, did he say something? Maybe a girl should leave herself, come up to the parents and then you would ask her the question?

Also, I am much into legal services myself ;) and it doesn't look real to me when a wife speaks how she became his PD. Of course it was from a list, it would sound more natural if she just said "and it was my turn on the list", because the husband is surely accustomed to the rules. Not a reader though, so some explaination is probably needed, but not this way.

I feared it was going to be another oversweeted story with a lame main thought, but it was really heart-catching, I think 4,5 is a good mark for this good stuff!
48
48
Review of TOO COCKY BY HALF  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh yes, this one is funny and spontaneous. I smiled definitely and still keep grinning. Good work and I especially like (both here and also in previous article of your that I read) the recalling of famous people, also the historical ones. I hope though your readers also know them, Octavia isn't the world's most famous character, especially amongst the history ignorants.

Cheers, have a great day :)
49
49
Review of This is her story  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Oh gosh. I'm not a native speaker either, yet I saw the spelling mistakes, but the others will give you better view on that stuff.

The idea isn't bad itself, just not written smoothly, maybe because you have problem expressing yourself. You know what you wanted to say, to say in your language, maybe you made some mind-cuts. But from a reader, understanding everything demands some bumps, re-readings etc. I would suggest you to take the story (yes, in English) to the bus and try to swallow it standing in the crowd. You will achieve perfection if you are able to do this without any disturbings.

It's a place where we all learn something, so keep writing, best greetings from Poland,
Nathii
50
50
Review of CoffeeHouse Talk  
Review by Nathii M.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi. At first, sorry for giving only 3,5 but since you send it for a contest, I'm going to be objective.

To tell you the truth, I misread to moment in the end, the boy says he's gonna bring the bombs to a fire station and so on, and somehow I read "fire the bombs in the petrol station and take away some people I'm afraid to talk to". Blame the restaurant staff, they spilled something to my kebab. Yet, this would be totally my sense of humour such a finish after such an oversweeted story which still would include the Nancy's talk about believing in possibilities etc. ;)))))

At first, you have to answer yourself a question what exactly you want to tell in your story. Because I don't see any monumentum in fact, I neither see the change in a boy. It's not badly written in terms of sentence building technique (mhh I think I saw one lack of comma and maybe a typo or two but I'm not a native speaker so I'm no one to school you on this one, re-read it and you'll see yourself). It doesn't for example show the turnover point within a child's psyche. I wish I knew more about his problem. The long beginning isn't a bad idea, but it would get more interesting if you caused some disturbia in a reader's head that despite the fragment where you write about trusting her completely, she might cheat on you soon. And then suspence - she is meeting a child.

I like the sentence about coffeehouse business, I'm a Coffee Heaven addict and heading there too just when I'm done with the kebab :pp.

I actually think that contest-winning worthy stories are these which bring emotion, your as such a potential when you write more about the child's doubts, and the reader will feel a relief nothing bad happened, and will smile. I've noticed local contests are judged by some reactional freaks, they don't like too much controversies and prefer the mild mainstream. You are in the right genre, but I would still spice it up, even the delicate latte coffee tastes better with whipped cream than without.

Kindest greetings and good luck!
Nathii M.

(PS. You can e-mail me if you decide to work on it a bit or if you want me to write your other stories)
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