My review. Remember this is only from my point of view and I do not intend to hurt/water down any views that was originally generated by yourself, it is just a matter of view and I only wish to express it.
Rhyme/Flow: There is not much flow here, i guess it cuold be your choice of words. "Turning me from the firm to confuse" cud be written as "Turning from firm to flimsy". "But making me realize now you are none" cud b written as "But realized now, you are none" can add a punch in it.. "Making holiday each day" to "Holidaying each day", "From my adore to abhorrence" to "From abhorrence to adornment"
Emotion/Feel: The poem has a good level of emotion, though the flow could b more better, possibly you are nt yet opening up to the paper to write down what is within you.
Meaning: Its a description of a confused state of mind about a person in their life. I could sense that and the want for the person back in their life.
My review. Remember this is only from my point of view and i do not intend to hurt any views that was originally generated by yourself, it is just a matter of view and i only wish to express it.
Story line progression:
Creative flow level: This has a descriptive flow about the story and the reason for the story.
Entertainment level: It had me hooked hoping the good ending would come, but hey! happy ending's is not the real thing.
Grammar: Grammar is fine and i did not come across any grammatical errors.
Changes required: This piece had its worth,but there is one change i would like to see, if you could change it that is. "...and two dimples always appeared in the center of them when she smiled, which was often..." if the "which was often" was placed as a part of the sentence, it would have a good flow, but somehow i felt this was causing an abrupt feeling.
Overall: This was a descriptive short story of how a man would feel if he was stood up, more could have been added like his facial emotion description, that would have added to the description so well. Good work and write on!!!
My review. Remember this is only from my point of view and i do not intend to hurt any views that was originally generated by yourself, it is just a matter of view and i only wish to express it.
Rhyme/Flow: There is no flow in the poem, but this is an expression of pain, can be left haphazard..
Emotion/Feel: There is that feeling of loneliness and a bit of questioning the heart that does not know where or what it is encapsulated in. wandering soul, i think, is the right term used here.
Meaning: Meaning is evident, the poem conveys the narrator is lost between a transition period and wants to be its past, but is heading to the grown up's stage. it gives that sense of confusion about the "not a girl, not yet a woman." phase of one's life...
Its a fine poem but may need to do a bit of word clean up like "brying" i suppose is "crying", "the most personal part of myself " could e written as "the most personal part of me."
keep up and write more.. you can get better at it while you do!!!
My review. Remember this is only from my point of view and i do not intend to hurt any views that was originally generated by yourself, it is just a matter of view and i only wish to express it.
Story line progression: The story had a good buildup and mad me first wonder what "place" the narrator and his daughter was in, I had the faintest idea that they even would be alien!!!
Creative flow level: The story was indeed creative and has got me surprised. Kudos to that!!!
Entertainment level: The level of entertainment was not much, the only thing that kept me to read on was the suspense about the place the narrator was in. It caught me in two places, the kindergarden and and them being of alien origin.
Grammar: No grammar issues or sentence creation found by me, all seems fine.
Changes required: Nil
Overall: This was a good read and i liked the storyline buildup, great work! Could make use of the entertainment.
My review. Remember this is only from my point of view and i do not intend to hurt any views that was
originally generated by yourself, it is just a matter of view and i only wish to express it.
Story line progression: The progress is good and is of a steady pace, no rushing and you were well describing the morality of the people towards God in a simple way.
Creative flow level: There is a good creative sense shown, after you have described about a view of conduct in the name of the great one, from a view of a God fearing person, more creativity is sure to flow.
Entertainment level: Level of entertainment is of the serious type, drama.
Grammar: There are grammar mistakes which you will need to check on them, viz.:
"mugging" in the first line is incorrect usage, you could use recite
"Who will say to them that the ancient people..." will be better suited.
"Sadar Patel’s burliness when he received the news of his wife’s decease.." sounds better, try as much as possible to not use "got" or "put", it may not sound that great.
"I think that god existed" is more correct usage
Changes required: have provided in the grammar section.
Overall: good view of the morality of people from a different point of view provided by yourself, good luck on the next one!!!
The idea you were trying to portray was good, but it needs a complete change in the way you are trying to explain it. Starting with the right words. To get the right words will take time and it comes through practice, and as the saying goes, Practice makes it perfect!
To start of with, here are the mistakes that can be corrected by you:
First paragraph, you are trying to portray that you have never left the table. the words could be placed as "I never knew when the rain fell here, because, here the power has never gone. I never got the chance to peep out to see what the noise was about."
Second paragraph, you are again portraying the same thing. It could be placed as ".I could never hear the raindrops on a metal piece go tang-tang-tang because T.V. the volume was at it's max."
Third paragraph, you are portraying that you had not found it important to think of those events, it could be placed as "This was all because I was never in tune to it. Like the thirsty plants were in need of water, the rain was important for them. But I never got that feeling which was the real source of my energy for my mind."
Fourth paragraph, you want to portray freedom, it can be placed as "I need freedom to look outside and enjoy that view of the drops of rain that were to turn ice, if it was cold. But my mind was set only to play or study. I never had the thought of understanding the mystery outside."
Fifth paragraph, you are portraying the feeling of breaking free and trying to explain that, it could be placed as "God save me from this disaster, I am now like a machine that is set for a particular task"
hope my review now has given you a clear understanding of what i am trying to convey and is the next step towards better writing. I hope to see your next piece of work soon! Happy writing!!!
"Stranger, you find it odd,
To look at me, my colour?
I am here, not for your eyes,
I'm a man,like no other.
You laugh and cry,
In my presence?
And talk and talk,
Of all non-sense?
You preach culture,
Yet scream at my ways?
You should live me life,
Cursing these endless days."
You have a good title to write an absolutely fantastic poem. Firstly, i would like to point out that this is just an honest opinion and not a criticism as i believe criticising a budding poet, will create a shade darker on the coloured canvas. we do not like that.
Here are my views on your poem:
1) i could not find the relation of the poem to the title, possibly blurred with the words expressing pain and agony on reaching heaven.
2) the poem could have been descriptive, even if the flow does not seem to be there.
3) i hope you write a lengthy descriptive poem of the vision you had seen for writing it down (possible exercise you could do would be writing it down first as a story/character/scene/scenario description to the last detail and then based on that, create a brief note on it then draw the vision as a poem)
i wish to see this beautiful topic re-written by you in your descriptive words. happy writing!!!
amazing! this caught my horror sense and the concept of premonitions to a story is still not fading away. good job at describing the plot and the almost visual description of the story has given my imagination a tingle compared to what you can do with this piece of work!
nevertheless, it is a good read and for any suggestions, i'd just say. you can describe the plot more better and scare the heck out of people!!! happy scaring!!!
the description was screaming out to my imaginative mind and automatically gave me the feeling on the faces of both the characters! this was a nice sad piece of a family breaking apart due the demise of their son. keep writing!!!
this poem had a small message, "love and live life". i am not sure whether this is what you were trying to convey, but that was what i felt when reading it. some areas i tot may need some few tweaks are shown below:
it could have been more elaborate and describe (or even hint) few things as in why the heated discussion is happening. there needs to be more description about their emotions shown and could look more effective that way!
The description helped me visualise the story and gave me clear idea of the story, though it had a pinch of mystery, if only the virus was withheld till later part " ...But she, unlike himself, only had the virus. He was stuck with the disease...." the virus could have been edited out and the entire line could be rephrased as "....He was stuck with a disease..." this would have kept the reader intrigued as to what disease does this man have and held the suspense till the later part of the story.
I also feel that i am the character in this poem and also feel that same situation whenever i see that girl who is on my mind constantly... It definitely feels like bearing the cross on my emotions!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/niv9
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 2:56pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
