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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/njames51
Review Requests: OFF
341 Public Reviews Given
365 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am pretty easy going. I don't want to bash your poem. I look for rhythm, color, formatting, form, meter, style, imagery. I look, I listen. I appreciate. For more go to my Poetry Review Forum #1399834 or find it in the Review Forum List.
I'm good at...
Encouragement, helping you when you need it. Suggesting better words or lines, and challenging you to do better and not settle for boring words, lines or writing crap.
Favorite Genres
Poetry - all types but especially free verse.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of God's Mistake  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Taylor,

Sorry it's taken me so long to read your piece. You say these are lyrics, not a poem. That's fine. But my suggestions are related to the form and flow of the lines. Every line should have a meter and a count.
"He's too scared to wish for more
And was never shown what he's living for"

The first line has 7 beats, the second line has 10 beats or syllables. Understand? Now with music you can envelope the lines however you want. But the meter and flow should be consistent. Read the piece out loud and you will notice if certain lines don't read smoothly. Then go back and edit the lines.

As far as the content, you have two verses and a middle. I like the imagery and style in the piece. You allow the reader inside the subject's thinking. I think it's a well done character piece.
Keep writing!

Nancy njames51


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am very tired. It is almost 5 in the morning. My head aches, I have a cold. I distract myself from myself by clicking letters on this keyboard. I landed here and I saw your request.
Because my mind is so slow tonight, I read this piece aloud very, very slowly. And I am happy I did. The slow, soft reading enforces the syllable count, the rhythm pattern, the rhyme sequence and your choice of language in each line. I was so fatigued I waited (surely something will trip me up. something will break the flow, the easiness of this). But, nope, you practiced this out loud so there could be no odd line, no filler word to force the rhythm. I'm not shocked so much as I am feeling satisfied that I was fed. I was fed language, interesting not boring, not rote, but the English Language used to complement an experience, retain some mystery, and provide a reader with a thoughtful use of 15 minutes of their time. That being said, I'm not happy with the ending. It holds no meaning for me, only makes me scratch my head like, "Huh? What is this?"

I like this:

The satin ribbon will find the spool
The wood will break, bend, and pull
And all the seasons will fall away
Till the sun shines as clear as day.

Cut the first "as" in the last line, not needed. It reads effortlessly and has an ebb and flow to one's ears,

I like this:

Then you will be young again
Just like when I saw you then
Three stars to the shore
Nothing less and nothing more. Very nice. Again, easy, gentle rhythm. Nothing disrupting the atmosphere.


The next verse is o.k. except the third and last lines. I haven't a clue : Your glance is caught from afar
The forbidden door is left ajar!

What forbidden door? Left ajar? You lost me and every reader will
suddenly STOP and go, "Huh?"

And the last 3 lines:

Then I know I am free
When you walk over to me
And all my shadows disappear. (it sounds unessesasy, like filler words and rather trite: I know I am free
when you walk to me and my shadows disappear.) When was the topic of shadows brought up? And what's with the forbidden door left ajar? You lost me, I hit that big bump which interrupted the soft, easy, slow tone of rhythm and rhyme.

Finally, I'm sorry to say, the final three lines --cut them, just cut them. I don't need to be told what this piece is about, death, a gravestone. I decide what and how the piece affects my world, my feelings. I love the first three stanzas. Leave those. Rewrite the last two stanzas in the same vein as the beginning ones. Cut the the mouse analogy completely.

But, again, I am happy I read a piece where language creates tone, color, and feels good to read. (If I appear confusing, blame the hour and my lack of sleep). Thank you for allowing me to read this. You are a good writer.

--- Nancy (njames51)









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3
3
Review of Pride  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Blind Star,
I'm very, very late in giving you feedback on a request you made of me. I am sorry. Reality gets in your way sometimes.

I know you asked me to review another piece, yet honestly I wasn't up to it. I was distracted, maybe turned off after the first few lines. So I checked your other pieces, and I found this!

Sooo much different than your other work. I kind of really did like this piece. The title is: PRIDE (or the other side of pride) as you say.

You create some interesting lines. Not mundane, like "Oh, my pride is wounded" (what the hell does that mean anyway?)

First of all, I would either double space the lines or make the piece free-verse, where one line weaves down into another line. Or more likely because you have some rhyming it's best to make three verses, or stanzas. The reader heard the first line, but then you go off in some other parable and the reader wants to follow, but has no clue where you're going. If you wish to keep any end rhymes, they must be consistently in the correct meter. ab/ab or aba/aba. There are hundreds of meter forms. You can research those on this site.
Also it is important that there is a count in each line. You know how with a piano(in my case) you look at the beginning and see the time sequence. Guitars likely have that, Orchestras have that. A poetic line is really music..

Read any poem ALOUD. Read your poems ALOUD. Hear where, there is no fluid, easy, juztaposition from one thought to another? Great poet make it look easy, but they work on EVERY WORD in a line. Is the word necessary. Does it mess up the flow, music of theother lines?

So, back to your piece. First you can cut a lot of "filler words. They are not necessary. Let me rework the first 3 lines:

"Uncommon is a feeling of pride
Often is a feeling of life unworthy of/in time

Lungs inhale, exhale
Yet all the air is stale

Gone is excitement as
looking through windows dulls now
Reality? has it hit? Or is it the
in-between place man goes.

Now and then a smile
pasted to be genuine
Wears dry like makeup.




Okey, I went through a few lines,notice I CUT WORDS, if they are not the story toss them.

And boringwords, find other clever, creative words. It takes time, but you'll get there.

The last 3 lines are the blasting cap, they are real, true, creative.
Cut "In the void" we know there's a void, we've all had that feeling.

Last three lines should be one stanza.:

"Pride leaves
It's only there for a moment
And your left chasing after it like a fiend.
Looking for that same rush you once achieved."

Love the last two lines. They may have to change a little, but the idea is so in your gut. Somebody leaves you. You cry, your self-esteem sucks, your pride in your value as a human being vanishes,
damn, people commit suicide over lessor feelings or different. feelings.
You express yourself, and this is a good piece. Don't agree with what I did. That was an example. Tweek it, throw it in a drawer for a week, pull it out and read it out loud. You'll hear where you should cut, where things are confusing etc. But this is well worth your time to work on this.

Good job! Keep on keeping on! I'm making the review pulic so check the public review board asap and others will read the review and read your piece. Thank you for allowing me to read your piece.

njames51 Nancy








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4
4
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

Wow!
HuntersMoon, what can I say. This is perfection! From the

"solstice has arrived;
it nurtures life that spring revived"

to the

"painting hills with daffodils.
crossing landscape, color spills."

I don't think I have been more in love with a melody, than this melody!

Your writing is so true to the elegance of the whispered, softened sighs characteristic of the finest poet! You richingly deserve to be among such company.

A breathtakingly beautiful poem. Thank you for writing this.

-- njames51
5
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Review of Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

Haven't read your stuff in a long time, Eliot, but you're still in my Favorites folder.

I just absolutely love this piece.First that sub-heading: "putting to rest a failed relationship". Geeez that gave me the chills. Can't imagine how you can put things to rest, at least I'm not so great at it.

Love the formatting, line breaks, You set this up in a visual style that makes it impossible for the reader not to stop and start the first line......then he's kind of captivated...and figures he'll maybe read the next stanza.......so you got the reader in a cool, deceptively clever way! And that's good. Love these lines:

I apologize for nothing
and take not back the words
but only their faithless messengers,

who, having failed
of sense, must end
at the insistence of a fire,


Great job!


oh....was gonna mention a contest I just found out about. It's strictly for FREE VERSE poems, and you should enter sometime. Runs every month. The FIRST time I submitted a piece, I won 1st PLACE! Can you believe it? I was in shock!

Here's the link:
FORUM
Shadows and Light Poetry Contest Open in new Window. (E)
Do you love the challenge and creativity of free verse poetry? This contest is for you.
#1935693 by Choconut Author IconMail Icon


Loved the poem!

- Nancy
6
6
Review of Hiding Place  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Zoe Ross,

I like the title, and also the appendage. However I would cut the explanation to: "you shouldn't need a hiding place...". This gives the reader just enough curiosity to want to delve more into the poem / story etc.
You have four stanzas each containing four lines. You use half-rhymes which I like. The end rhymes are not trite or commonplace.

I understand the emotional tale you are describing. My problem is the amount of "?" used. The first stanza could be improved, tightened.
The second stanza is fine. The third stanza could do without the question marks. I would leave out "why does" and use this:
She thinks he means peace.
She does not see the mess

The final stanza can be the powerful image of all that may be anticipated.

"She isn't happy nor am I,
Nowhere to be or to roam
He will say jump ever so high
And I will call this prison my home."

Keep working on this. Good job!



7
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Review of The Dancing King  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Xean!

Thank you for submitting your poem. I think the ending of this is quite funny. The title and your tag line are interesting and inviting. And your theme, images and action in this are quirky and visual for a reader.


You have 5 stanzas, with 5 lines per stanza.
Your rhyme pattern is a-b-a-a-b.
You adhere to the pattern, though in spots it's abrupt or choppy, using the same end rhyme to rhyme with itself.

The only issue I have is with your meter/rhythm/melody. I think this is easily fixable, you just have to decide what rhythm you will be using. If you set your meter or pattern in the first stanza, that same metrical flow should repeat in the following stanzas.

Read your First stanza out loud. Notice there should be a rhythm, a melodic flow. Now read the next stanza out loud. Does Line #1 (Stanza 2) mirror the count of the Line #1 in Stanza #1?

So the first line of each stanza should follow the syllable/meter ebbs and flows of the beginning line.
Your second line of every stanza should follow the same pattern as line #2 of the first stanza. And etc, etc.

I mean I can make it flow as it is written, but I have to constantly re-adjust my reading as each stanza seems to have their own limited pattern. The key is to make the reading effortless, cut "fill" words, adjust other words so the piece sings as a whole. And your rhyme words are fine, but we don't want to notice we are rhyming.

Look at the first line of each stanza:
Count the syllables:
- 11 syllables
- 7 syllables
- 6 syllables
- 10 syllables
- 8 syllables

Each beginning line reads in a different pattern. Again, there is creativity in the piece. I like the mango, tango, vango, fruity dancing theme. "Coconut' is hard tone. 'mango, tango, vango' are soft, fluid words.

So, go back and just decide how the pattern will flow. Then, of course, you'll have to revise, lengthen, transpose some words, so the syllable count is consistant, the rhyming words flow in a fluid manner, and then read your revision out loud again. You may have to re-work this a couple of times.

But, again I love the title, tag, theme, images, concept and quirkiness. And the ending is funny.
You can do this! The piece is well worth the effort. It will improve each time.

Thank you for allowing me to read your piece!

Nancy


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8
8
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Yera,

Thanks for submitting your poem for me to read. I like the title and the tag line below.
Not much I can add to this. You received a first place winner award, whiich I think is quite approriate.

Your stanzas are constructed quite nice. You follow a theme. The flow and tone and texture and theme are quite nice. I was not stopped by any blocks. Altogether quite wll done. Lines I liked:

"Hold on my sweet Selene
We'll soon cross this great expance
So we may come together
And be joined in lovers' dance."


Very nicely done!

Good writing style, formatting, line breaks, imagery, emotion, texture and tone.

Thank you for allowing me to read your work.

njames51

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9
9
Review of Noise  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yes Joy, this is a biting, sarcastic and brutally honest message to someone you must know. How else could such spitting out of emotional disgust be so emphatically posed. Ouch, it bears down to what's really going on, a person's comfort in the room of DENIAL. There's an elephant in the room, everybody knows it, Except the person who remains in fantasy land. And noise is such good distraction for someone who must drown out their defects, their failures, even their aggression and self-loathing.

It is a forceful poem, short in length, but on the mark in it's hard language. I hear some soft words in the end stanza, but only in a bare attempt to perhaps make this person more human.

"quivering
with hunger
to be heard."

The format is perfect here, line breaks, single words placed strategically so the reader scrolls down this piece smoothly, effortlessly. There are no bumps, no spots where rhythm was broken or you drifted off on a tangent.

The first three words are spot on and biting: "YOU crave noise!" A reader cannot help but continue on, to find out why the writer is so ticked off; and what this scoundral does to delude himself and to push others away.

All the lines meshed perfectly, and, though the reader doesn't really KNOW what the issues are about, they leave the writing pondering, "o.k. now what's REALLY going on. Is this guy a drunk, delusional in fantasy dreams of ultimate success? Is she going to kill him, because he's a pain in her life?"

But, good for you that you didn't spell it out. I want poetry to leave me guessing or questioning, then I can ponder if my own life experiences or emotional responses are tied or related in some way.

Lines I especially liked:

"You crave noise to stoop
and cheer the icons
within your sight
that
loiter like specters
in front of you,...."


"You crave noise
to hear
falsehoods
that
drift away.."


"You crave noise
to deny
the existence
of your own voice..."

Very nicely done. I have no complaints. You took words specific to the action and mood, worked diligently to format the words as seen on the page (this highlighted the biting words....the flow was continual), and you used words sparingly. Each word had it's purpose.

I'm glad I came across this poem and I thank you for allowing me to read it.



Nancy

njames51




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10
10
Review of Bookmarks  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello fyn ~

Wow, what can you say? This is so marvelous, so through, so precise.
It gains energy and enthusiasm as it moves delicately to detail, to description, to emotion.

It begins so loosely...'this is something about a book...'. And the first four lines are general statements made by many a writer.

But in the second stanza you say....'my love IS a book....'

"Title page - I share his name
and he is dedicated to me."

Wonderful words. Yet you go deeper......the cracked spine, the memorized words, the quotes, the quips, your fingertip eroding the print, fading, fading memories. "The book is alive and breathing..as all books should be.." And you note this is neither dusty nor on a shelf; but read, caressed every day.

"No reader, he, prefers to hear the stories
read out loud in time to the drumbeats that propel him
or whispered in the papered leaves in the forest."

I adore the final stanza. How I wished I could have communicated this same love for my books as you. You say what so many of us feel. Books ARE our true LOVE.
(one night, being evacuated from a brush fire, the officials said we had 5 minutes to pack what was most important for us to keep. One family member took jewelry, another photographs, another clothes. I packed my car with BOOKS. All my old, favorite, precious books. I couldn't bear to leave them behind. They were my heart.)
Perhaps our books are not practical; but when one establishes that love for books, language, they are old friends. Perhaps as painters view their paintings. Old friends.

A truly lovely poem, fyn. Not a word to be changed. And thank you for expressing what I could never have expressed ~ BOOKMARKS - and what's inside the covers. Darn-it you're one hell of a writer!

Nancy

njames51



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11
11
Review of Billie Holiday  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Mangadude,

I noticed this poem on the Review Request page. It interested me because of it's subject: Miss Billie Holiday. I am much older now; but in college I listened to Billie all the time. There are certain songs with which I identify her: "You've Changed", "I'm A Fool To Want You"; and especially the obscure song, "Violets For Her Furs". That melody and those words are imprinted in my brain. And, in fact, one of my first good poems began with the line...."He brought you violets for your furs...and it was spring...". I wrote it to my parents, as my father always gave my mother furs and they would dress and go dancing.

Blues was a huge part of the 1960's in Europe. I was lucky enough to have lived there for four years. Jazz and blues singers were revered, idolized. I saw Ella and the Duke back in '65. Aretha was there in her prime. Unfortunately I was never lucky enough to see Billie.

Yet reading your piece was a perfect remembrance of what made the blues so deeply personal. We remember Billie as a downtrodden survivor of rascism, sexism, brutal men, a lonely figure harrassed by police and holier-than-thou moral bigots. Dope was a common denominator for many jazz and blues artists, Ray Charles, Billie Holiday, and Miles Davis included.

Yet, you excite the reader with your descriptiveness, your images of hot blues, rollicking jam sessions in smoke filled dives at 4:00 a.m.

I was struck by the format of the lines, initially. Yet, reading it over and over, I know now it was perfect. You never make this a eulogy. You make this period what it was: a jazzy, snappy finger, pulsating hungry rhythm of hips shaking, trumpets wailin', scat singing uptown, downtown, wafting from underground dives where black folk, white folk, beat poets and a new generation came eager to learn.

You use words like notes. Brief, specific, interpretive. Other lesser poets would have dogged these lines with eternal, banal historical dogma. Take these first four lines:


head, regal, tilt back



finger, slow-ly, snap



this girl horn the blues



this Lady croon the tunes



Or this stanza:



Cotton Club-in Harlem



Bend notes, black folks, white dopes love 'em



Ain't nothin' but the blues are brewin'



Ain't nothin' but the blues are brewin'



This is a marvelous piece of writing, and Billie would be mighty, mighty proud! Thanks for allowing me to read this.



Nancy




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#1399834 by njames51 Author IconMail Icon


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12
12
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Maria from Mars. I love that handle: Mars, invites wide imagination.

YES, this is a poem.

You have four stanzas, each holding three lines. The format (or "look" on the page) is easy to read, no convoluted miles and miles of wordiness.

The lines are succient, brief, yet need nothing more for impact.

Here is an example of a poem written by William Carlos Williams: The poem is only eight lines, and though seeming
puny and forgettable; it has been studied and praised for it's design, format, and precise use of each word.


"THE RED WHEELBARROW"


so much depends
upon


a red wheel
barrow


glazed with rain
water


beside the white
chickens.



One might say it is a "prose" sentence divided into a poetic form. However, short, crisp language is so much the technique of many famous poets.
Poetry does not pose questions; nor give the reader answers. Poetry invites you to the mind of the poet. We aren't quite sure where we are being taken. But a great poem uses craft, technque, a rhythm, meter, syllables which emphasise "hard" sounding words...and "soft" sounding words. Poetry makes use of imagery. IMAGERY generally means the representation of one thing by another thing. There is "figurative language". Some of the devices used here are "simile or metaphor"; "personification"; and "allusion". These qualities of imagery do not ask questions nor give answers. They merely express a beloved one, a poet's deep emotion, the desire to give animation to something so abstract and so inanimate.

So much for my justifying Poetry as the oldest, most calming melody since before the Middle Ages.


Back to the piece. I am not here to decide what it means. A poet writes, he hopes through specific images and words that he may give the reader a vision, a respite, a pondering of what was read.

First stanza, line one has 6 syllables; line 2 has 4 syllables, line 3 has 5 syllables.
Second stanza, line 1 has 5 syllables, line 2 has 3 syllables, line 3 has 5 syllables.
Third stanza, Line 1 has 6 syllables, line 2 has 4 syllables, line 3 has 4 syllables.
Last stanza, line 1 has 6 syllables, line 2 has 3 syllables, line 3 has 4 syllables.

Sometimes a reader wants a consistant syllable count, so the meter will flow at a consistant pace. However, I was never bothered (nor even noticed) changes in flow or meter. It read pretty effortlessly and had texture and melodic tone for color.

As far as discussing writing, prose, poetry, religion, money, who's turn to clean out the garage........I would agree to DISAGREE. And I encourage you to read books of poetry. The latest one I picked up, helped me enormously.

Written by MARY OLIVER (winner of The Pulitzer Prize and The National Book Award) entitled: "A Poetry Handbook"
~~ A Prose Guide To Understanding And Writing Poetry ~~

Down to earth, humorous, she examines specific forms in poetic history, syntax, tone, as well as moving forward to prose poetry and "free-verse". it will most effectiously excite you, create a passion, and help you admit that you ARE a POET.

No matter what anyone tells you.

I really enjoyed reading this. Submit some more ~ I'm sure you've got images waiting to break free!


Nancy

njames





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13
13
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sophie...
I saw your post on the Review Request page. So I'd like to send you a little review.
I like the idea for the piece....love is complicated. What brings us joy will in time bring some sorrow. That is the cyclic flow of life.
I have no issue with the theme of this piece. But would like to examine the lines, stanzas and perhaps encouage a tightening of these.

You have five stanzas. Each four lines included. You use rhyme in the A-A-B-B format per stanza. The rhyme does not continue using the same end rhymes in the first stanza.

First stanza: Line 1 has 10 syllables....Line 2 has 13 syllables...Line 3 has 10 syllables...Line 4 has again 13 syllables.

The next stanza also has various syllable counts per line.

I tell you this because when there is fluidity in a poem, in large part it's due to mechanics..i.e. finding a line length and formatting a syllable and meter count consistantly throughout the verses. One can vary, say from 9 syllable count to ten. But if your meter goes on and on...a reader will get pretty lost.

This is not difficult to remember when you revise this piece. Reading a piece aloud gives you a frank idea of how words stumble or seem controvoluted.

My other suggestion is to cut many "filler" words - not needed to give a reader what he needs.

Example: Stanza 1: If I may shorten or cut some unneeded filler, you may find this reading smoother.........

..Love will (always) hurt - I've been told.
Does this mean we are put on hold.
Love is worthy of the pain
Removed of envy that is vain.

That is much simplified...but illustrates the necissity of cutting useless wordage. Making your piece tight is the goal. All famous poets struggle with this. I've read that many revise a poem over 50 times.

So, there's work to be done here....but I'm sure you're up to the task!

So get on with it! Re-write, revise, cut, toss, explore.........have fun..and courage. None of else enjoy a reader telling us to cut this line...cut these words...shorten....devlop imagery....etc.

Thank you letting me read your piece. You have a good start!

Most kindly,

njames


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14
14
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Dragon Skies,

Sorry for the delay. Thank you for submitting this item for me to read. To be quite honest, there isn't much to complain about. Naturally one might expect a poem full of sorrow, personal grief, anger, etc.

Yet, you have taken a different approach. Yes, it was like any other day. We rise, feed the dog, perform our rote behavior so second nature, we barely remember what we had for breakfast.

You offer us seven wonderfully detailed stanzas/verses. It seems to the reader such an interesting life you lead. We are given great detail about this "normal" day: the sun, the shower, the birds, songs we hum each morning. I love the repitition of the line:

"The sun had kissed the sky that day..."

We live at "life's core.." as you mention. Your reader is sailing smoothly through your day, wandering your streets, observing the musicians. It is all so "normal" for our "talcum powdered" selves.

Your observations are true for most of us. Singing songs in the shower, racing for that cup of coffee. And your transition to what changed that particular day...the transitions are subtle, smooth, poetic really. The constant thread line is the image of the Sun. ..."the sun had kissed the sky"........"the sun had kissed us all goonight..."........."the sun had kissed them all goodnight.."......"the sun erupted fire for tears..".

I love your form, images, subtle, smooth rhyme sequence. I like that you captured an event with few words. Each word is of use. Yet, the brief lines are dramatic. And the contrast, again, of your beginning verses vibrant in descriptions of ordinary and normal "city life", is excellent (in my opinion). You did a wonderful job in crafting this piece.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work.






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Review of The Condition  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
HA-HA-HA.

Loved this! Doug Rainbow, your writing is so darn good, the way Mel Brooks is good, Elaine May, Nora Ephron, Janet Evanovich....even the satire of a Tina Fey.

Satire, Mockery, Sarcasm, irony.....the wry cock-eyed view of what may seem the normal. Perhaps Larry David and Jerry Seinfield stretched it to it's max.


This essay/Step #1 addict's tale is soooo spot on, even to the wife going to a support meeting and learning "tough love". Even the 12 step meeting scenario, the obsession to write "to steady my nerves".

The last sentence was hysterical! This tale is satire, and may put some people in a twitchy mood. But so what! We've got groups for shopaholics, spendaholics, cigar smokers, people who collect junk, even NOW groups for Geeks obsessed with their desk tops, lap tops, ipads, iphones,.........ugh!

Great job. Put this up on "Reviews Requested" and see the response.

I love wry, ironic, dry, hidden humor. The passing flippent sarcastic line in the checkout line. Humor which the listener has to stop, scratch his head, and think "wow, that was funny"!
Anyone can make fun of the obvious, or believe cruel jokes toward another constitues humor.
How wrong they are! The Old-school comedians knew what was funny, and didn't need a "punch-line" at the end. The story was the vehicle.

Terrific, as usual!

Nancy

njames51


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Review of Poker With Slim  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)


Hello Poet! I was drawn to this particular piece because I play poker (Texas Hold-em). I used to play with the WWII /Korean War Vets down at the VFW. Being an Air Force brat myself, I loved hanging out with those guys playing poker. They taught me all the games and gave me all their secrets. Poker is one of those "eyeball to eyeball" games. Who is gonna crack first. It's one thing to play on-line poke; it's another to play in person.

Your title is perfect. I had to read this. This tale is familiar, with a clever funny twist at the end. I laughed when I finished reading this. You seem to always give the reader a clever, satirical or ironic punch in your writing. We are not sure where you are going to take us. But, for this reader, I always want to see what's going to happen.

I love the tight verse, the sharp, clean images, the overall atmosphere conveyed. I felt like I was in a smoke filled poker room after midnight, with a couple of grizzled, unshaven opponents, going toe-to-toe. I related to that "betting everything I got" experience. Your meter is great, the rhyming flows naturally, the storyline is creative and constant. I love your attention to detail. Obviously you have played this game. Your terminology is right on - I instantly was absorbed. I love this verse/stanza:

"If I held sevens, Slim'd have eights.
If Slim drew flushes, my hand would be straights.
Slim's stack of chips kept a'gettin' taller.
My little pile got smaller and smaller....."

I loved the ending. I won't reveal the storyline, but this is recommended reading for anyone who wants a chuckle, who plays the game, or wants an example of story based verse.

Terrific job. Thanks again for opening up another experience for this reader.




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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Poet! I peeked into your port and read a piece with the cheeky, clever title: "Things That Are Low". I almost was forced to satisfy my curiosity over what would follow that intriguing title.

Oh my goodness, what a beautifully written, wonderful poem! Let me begin by going to the end....the final line. What a wondrous feeling in my heart, and old school sentimental joy in my soul after reading that line. That line is perfection. I wish I could steal it from you. It is an image that is vivid and colorful, sweet and romantic.

The entire piece is sheer perfection. Images ebb and flow in a sweetly moving pace of "drive by" theater. You want to stop to linger, but the movement and melody swing you along in a fanciful cavalcade of scenery, emotion, taste and imagination.

It is a fun pace, rhythmic, with perfect meter and emphasis at determined spots. I love these lines:


"A cranberry bog, a London fog,
A price you might pay at a sale.
Songs when they're blue, me without you,
The bottom notes on the scale."


It's as if you are channeling Irving Berlin with his song "Always". (I believe he wrote that melody so long ago.) This piece is in that romantic vein and is so melodic, one COULD tap it out on the "bottom notes of the scale".

This piece has so much humor in it, you giggle...you laugh...you just feel good reading it!

I am so glad I discovered your port. You have originality, life experience, word choices that emphasize the best of the English Language.

Thanks so much for allowing me to wander through this charming poem.


Nancy






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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Big Bad Wolf!
You graciously reviewed one of my poems; so I wanted to return the favor.

I'm afraid I'm not much into the monsters or gore stuff. So I found a poem which displays a much softer side. I love the title and the tag line below the title. And this certainly is a tribute, and I'm glad you had the courage to write it. Too often we feel it's an embaressment to acknowledge someone who was there when we needed help, or a shove, or just a kick in the pants, to get us on track.
I like the way you're not too mushy, too sweet - you plug in a few digs, which makes her so human. I like this:

"This friend of mine would check out my stuff
And tell me how to smooth out the rough.
She'd come by me to grace me for a smile,
Even though she only talked for a little while."

Very nice stanza. A then later you say "..She was as fierce as a pike..."

Nice imagery, good characterization, certainly a fine tribute to someone who was there during the tough times.

Nice job Wolf!





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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
       Hello Doug Rainbow!

I told you I was rummaging around in your port, to return the favor you extended me by reviewing one of my poems. Honestly, the piece I opened first was this one. Loved the title, it was a welcome distraction inticing me to find out just what "Skywriting in The Clouds" was all about.

I love that the piece is short. That's the beauty of it - there can be no wasted words. And you cleverly have made each word purposeful for the piece.

Love the beginning line..."He penned a blank verse in invisible ink". Wait a minute, I had to think about that image, it slips in quietly. "Blank verse"...."Invisible Ink" ???? This line is so open for deeper interpretation.

The image continues through the next line: "that chronicled ermine in snow."

"He penned a blank verse in invisible ink
that chronicled ermine in snow..."

Love that opening. Also your rhyme sequence, which I found to bear originality of thought, and a healthy grasp of literary words/phrases.

I love the final two lines in the first stanza.

Finally the final stanza, so precisely ordered, with a melodic sensability and original imagery. I love that first line (and may steal it from you - sorry Charlie). It is meloncholy, mournful, almost hopeless in it's finality. And of course the phrase.."skywriting in the clouds" is so refreshing an image for your reader.
Even lines such as: "The empty nest of a fugitive dove..." draw emotion for the reader. We use your imagery and try to fill in the photographs in our own imagination.

"He said love without life is like life without love,
A spy who gets lost in the crowds,
The empty nest of a fugitive dove,
Or skywriting in the clouds."

This was a wonderful piece. The reader does not need to know "the story" behind
this poem. It is articulate, yet indiscret, and offers much room for our creative minds to wander happily in your images.

Really Nice Work. Keep on Keeping on.......

Nancy




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Review of The Shift  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Poet. Thanks for submitting this piece.
All in all, a nice attempt at free verse. My only suggestion is maybe to expand this a little, and include more descriptive phrases. I don't know if end rhymes really need phrases like "it's so lame", but that's your word choice.
Overall, it needs some expansion, to make the piece more "meaty" for the reader.
Still, again, free verse is not as easy as one thinks.
Keep writing!
Nancy





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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
HELLO JANICE!
Long delay for this review. I know you've requested reviews on almost 10 of your poems - however, I can't review them all - due to others who need reviews. I'll try to give you more feedback on some of your other ones if time allows.

This piece is quite emotional for you. I also lost a sister recently and finally was able to write something (though more in blaming myself for not having done enough.) See my item: "If I'd Known How To Save A Life" Open in new Window..

I like the emotion, your deeply felt "letter" to him, thanking him and praising him. All that is weel appreciated.
I will really only comment on the stylising of the piece, the meter, rhythm, and smoothness. This is merely a TECHNIQUE issue - not a criticism of your thought, words, or feelings. O.K?

I see you are doing an a-a b-b rhyming sequence. The first stanze. the beginning end rhymes do not rhyme. Stanza #5 - the last 2 lines end words do not rhyme. The last stanza lacks any a-a b-b rhyme at all - therefore not consistant with the prior verses.

The other issue, for me...is the absence of flow, fluid reading of this - due largely to the disparity of consistancy with syllable count from line to line. This causes the meter and rhythm to be off. I want to read without stopping or getting stuck. Some of your end words which rhyme are stale or ordinary; say-stay, shared-cared, grace-face.

Let's look at the first stanzas:


You were my one and only brother,
The one I held dear and I admired.
You had a heart that was full of grace,
You always put a smile on my face.

I think about you often in my mind,
How our hearts will still be combined.
I think about the good times we shared,
By things you've done, I knew that you cared.

Let's see if I can modify these two a bit......

"You were my only brother,
More dear than any other.
A heart filled with grace,
Left smiles on my face."

"Often I think in my mind,
Our souls still combine,
The good times we shared
let me know that you cared."

I like this stanza:

Every night I get down on bended knee and pray,
I hope that I will see you again some day.
I know that you are in heaven with mother,
I know you are happy, your world is much brighter.

But again a suggested re-wording:

"On bended knee I pray,
I will see you again one day,
With Mother in heaven you stay,
happy and brightly alive at play."

These are just suggestions. I cut some filler words..and tried to make the meter more fluid, yet still retaining the meanings you wanted to convey.

Still I liked this very much!

KEEP ON KEEPING ON WRITING.........

Nancy


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Review of La' Guillotine  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Demolition Dan! Thank you for submitting your poem fo me to read.
Quite honestly, when I saw the tag line for your piece, I was not too thrilled. Anything written about the French Revolution can produce depression and boredom in the reader. And I love history, and took courses in European History while in school. But, my apologies for wandering off topic.

I actually began reading this romantic, and satirical piece, and it was very amusing. First, as you scroll up to the headers/tag line for the poem, you notice (or I guess I really noticed) the length of the piece. Ten stanzas! But, reading this was fun, interesting, and not burdensome at all. Secondly, I think you are clever in your choice of language. Your meter, rhythm is spot on through most of the piece. Your rhyme scheme was beautifully done, especially every fifth line rhyming with the following fifth line. Example of the smoothness and rhythm:


"I stand, despairing, in the throng.
I stare at her for whom I long.
She stands so bravely in the queue,
Her hair is brown, her eyes are blue,
I fear her blood is red.

One by one the line gets smaller.
One by one our France grows taller.
My darling love is coming near
To death, though none will shed a tear.
Those demon hearts of lead."


Very nicely done. My only trip up came with the final two stanzas. The meter is off somewhat, though the syllable count agrees. Those two stanzas were not smooth for me. This is only one opinion; but the rest of the poem is so humorous, obviously well thought out, with drama, good transitions, and wonderful descriptive imagery.

Great Job!


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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello Jaywalker,
Thank you for submitting your piece for review in my forum.

I was instantly involved as I began reading this poem. Something very captivating held my interest throughout. Perhaps it was the first line:

"We sat at your kitchen table.."

That is such a refreshing opening line that captivates the reader. I felt
PART OF that scene, as common an activity as there is these days. "Sitting at a kitchen table..." Loved it.

I love the action language you use throughout; again, mundane, normal, but
each reader can relate to language, imagery such as: "clinking mugs", "making tea", fridge magnets, "the sun rising through venetian blinds". etc.

Such common items, normal daily actions, brought together as a means of
illustrating "what was" so long ago.

This leads beautifully to the last stanza; a surprising shift from "what was" to
"what has been lost". Here, your emotional lines give us a true viewing of
pain, loss, remembrance, memory, and sorrow. You give of yourself and we appreciate the risk you take, opening up to us. Your imagery is beautiful,


"I still can’t stop looking for your name
Printed somewhere in size ten Arial."


A wonderful and creative poem. Well done!

I have a few suggestions / observations however. No writer comes away unscathed.

-- Your punctuation is non-existant. Not a comma to be seen. Neither a Period
to end any sentence/line. This is confusing. Please go back and add these technical neccessities.

-- Your use of Capitalization to begin every line + the absence of punctuation
obscures any rhythm, flow, or melody. If you begin a line with a Capital, and
the line or phrase continues onto the next line, use lower case in the second line. This tells us that the sentence contunes and it reads smoother. A PERIOD at the end of the sentence tells us to stop. Then you begin the next sentence with a Capital...... example:

"We sat at your kitchen table
Clinking mugs to the secret beauty
Of the grey before dawn "

You have no period at the end of this, and this line is one wrapping sentence with 3 upper class letters.
Simply, easily fixable: Here is how it should read:

"We sat at your kitchen table,
clinking mugs to the secret beauty
of the grey before dawn."

This reads smoothly, it flows effortlessly, it describes ACTION, and people,
and establishes the scene, the place, even the weather.

Go back and modify /edit and place your punctuation where it is required.

--- Also, the final line is a little dysfunctional, as in.....are you painting on the window pane? Did the dawn leave tears? Are those your tears? A little
backwords or stated oddly. I'm sure you can write this line better.

GOOD JOB, Jaywalker.











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Review of This Pen  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your poem with me. You sounded like you didn't expect much of a response from your readers. However, I actually enjoyed reading this piece.
I like that you began each line with the same words. This gives the piece rhythm, or a melodic expression. I like the formatting of the piece, especially the spacing. Each line holds it's unique imagery. Your descriptiveness and consistant language help the reader imagine the sights and images you provide.

Altogether, nicely written, with an end line surprising yet insightfull. A very nice read.

Keep writing!!!





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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Janice,

This is not bad, but a bit long. I think you cut about three stanzas and still capture and the emotion and content. Again I see "filler words". Read each line and cut words that are not nessary. It is rather long, and you can express you love for your best friend with minimalism, and maybe try different end rhming words so there seem meaningful but as not all of common and mundane.

Keep Working this!

Nancy
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