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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/njames51/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
341 Public Reviews Given
365 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am pretty easy going. I don't want to bash your poem. I look for rhythm, color, formatting, form, meter, style, imagery. I look, I listen. I appreciate. For more go to my Poetry Review Forum #1399834 or find it in the Review Forum List.
I'm good at...
Encouragement, helping you when you need it. Suggesting better words or lines, and challenging you to do better and not settle for boring words, lines or writing crap.
Favorite Genres
Poetry - all types but especially free verse.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Heaven  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this alot. You have a nice ability to make language melodic. You seem to be able to hear the whisper of words in a smooth rhythm. That is a gift for a good poet. Again, you need a little word chopping here, to polish this up. A few of your lines are forced and need re-write.

Stanza #1: This is quite beautiful and has nice melody.

What's said is said and done is done
A new step of life has begun

I love that third line. The last line I chopped one word.

Stanza #2: Again, nice melody. Add 'sons' instead of 'son'. It should be plural.

You hear the voices of everyone
Running down to greet their sons
Life’s woes that once had weighed a ton
Are now complete and finally done

The third line is choppy, and needs re-write.

Stanza #3: Again, very nice. Take out 'only' in the last line. You don't need that.

Stanza #4: Again, very nice, except for this: 'Perfection beyond a mortal stun'. This sounds like you were searching for a rhyme, and it doesn't work....it makes the verse choppy, and the reader stumbles. Re-write that line.

But, altogether, a fine job. You have a nice flair for rhyme, and in most cases, the rhymes flow sweetly, and naturally. That's what makes a piece comforting for a reader.

Keep up the good writing!

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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ah, this is very nice! Playful, bouncy with some nice rhythm. The message is serious, but hopeful, introspective, yet not depressing. Some of the stanzas need polishing, as the meter goes off in places. There are places where words can be cut, and other spots where adding a word will tighten the rhythm.

Stanza #1: 'Of webs I've spun.' I chopped two words there.

Stanza #2: Take out 'introverted' and replace with something else. 'introverted' is too many syllables and makes the line choppy.

Stanza #3: 'Like flights of birds.' I chopped words here also to improve flow.

Stanza #4: 'Lost in abyss.
Buried under snow.' Again I've chopped some words.

Stanza #5: 'My mind won't let go.' Again, I chopped a little.

Stanza #6:
Faith seems distant.
Future seems bleak.
Why must I hide
The dreams I seek?
Why, oh why
Must I be meek?

I cut a couple of words there also to improve flow.

Stanza #7:

Even in darkness
The sun's going strong.
All my worries
Are finally wrong.
Because I've discovered,
You knew all along.

Here I chopped some words for rhythm and corrected the tense in one line. In the fifth line, I substituted "I've discovered" in place of "You've discovered" I'm not sure what you meant here....but if I'm reading the intent here, then "I'VE discovered, YOU knew all along" makes more sense to me. I may be wrong, though.

So, if you read this again with the changes I made, having really only cut some words out of the piece, you'll see that it reads more melodically. The intent of the poem is still there, but it carries more effectively to the reader.

I think you are a fine writer, and have a promising future ahead of you. This is wonderful writing. Stop by my Poetry Review Forum for more reviews of any new poems you have in the future.

Good Job! KEEP WRITING!

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103
103
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I am re-rating this again, since it has been revised.

HAHA...... this is terrific now! The last line of the piece is a riot, now! It's a "laugh out-loud" finish. Perfectly done! The fifth and sixth re-vise is great! It has "pizzazzzzz" now! A nice flourish to it.

But, your revision of the fifth, sixth, and last stanzas makes this thing read in a 'zippity' way, and it floats lyrically. The humor pippity-pops right out at the reader.

EXCELLENT JOB! You should win with this witty piece!
104
104
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is pretty cute and funny. You have a nice rhythm going in the beginning verses, minus chopping a word here or there. But, the fifth and sixth stanzas read awkwardly to me. Especially the sixth stanza, you've got 'love' rhyming with 'love'....and there's no rhythm. And the last stanza totally went off in another direction. I think the final line, especially, left me scratching my head. the rhythm and meter is totally off. I love this stanza:

I blinked my eyes and no longer could see
A thing out of place, yet I knew I had seen
The mouse on my keyboard, caressing a key
A CD ejecting, a light on the screen.

That's funny and has perfect beat in the lines. the whole idea of a mouse taking over a 'puter' by itself makes the whole piece funny.

My suggestion is to read this piece out loud slowly. You'll hear the beginning stanzas chiming along in rhythm, and then suddenly go off in the fifth and sixth, and then go back into another rhythm in the seventh and eigth, and then hit perfect rhythm in the ninth...and then go off somewhere totally different in the final stanza. Am I confusing you yet? LOL.

If you read it out loud, slowly, you'll understand how I am hearing it. With such a lengthy piece, it's important not to lose the reader midway. And, especially not to have them stumbling over the final lines.

You just need to tweak this somewhat, and polish it, you may not need every stanza.

But, altogether I thought it was very funny. Just remember it's all in the delivery! (remember, this is only my opinion, and you can throw out anything I say!)

Good job!

Keep Writing!

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Review of Where Were You  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dang, that's one powerful poem. It has so much emotion (anger), I'm almost examining myself for my own failings! The format is good, the language is wonderful. I can't really argue with the structure of the last section, but it IS completely different from the first stanzas. But, for me the emotion carries the whole thing qiite nicely!

Great job!
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106
Review of Something, Still  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, very nice piece. This has a feel of remembrance, dignity, admiration in it, the surviving of a sweet spirit. I love the dignity of the woman, the human spirit of optimism I sense in her life, despite changes in her world.

Too long alone, too old to change,
she dreams of the house
with the white picket fence in the country

A very nice piece.

Good job!
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107
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome newbie!

I like this alot. This is a sweet beckoning to a cloistered soul, who defied the resignation of one living in that time. She would most certainly be a friend to many in our age. Your poem has a kindness, and a softness, and a bloom to it. It shows good use of descriptive language, and floats melodically. You have some sweet lines here:

Death laid open and bare upon the table
No longer the old bogey of our nightmares--
But a kind and courteous friend
Come to ease our pain

Thank you for being more
than they ever dreamed you were
More than the reclusive maiden lady
More than the ghostly moth in white

We would have been great friends, you and I

I think Dickenson would have been honored by your words.

Nice job!
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108
Review of Ascension  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, nice job! This has such a lyrical melody to it, a cascading out of vitality. It zooms along in a staccato type explosion of thoughts, quite indicative of a free-falling out-of-body dream. So many wonderful word diversions:

Or maybe admittance
to confusion is a step up
from my confused confines.

I really enjoyed this entire piece.

Wonderful!
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Review of Secrets  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a wonderfully simple expression of hope and longing, and quiet ponderings. Have we not all wanted to have someone we could express this to? It is soft and personal, and revealing of what love can be.

I want to shout that I love you
And hear my love returned
I want to whisper that I need you
And hear an echo of the same

Very nice piece!
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Review of Disillusionment  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice! But of course, because you wrote it....your stuff is always good. This has nice imagery, nice flow, a sensibility of ease to it. It's relaxing to read. The only problem for me, was the use of the "not by" and "by not" inclusions. Maybe I'm just tired, but I did seem to trip over those. The second stanza has "by not" instead of "not by"....now I'm confusing myself just saying that! Oy vey.

Anyway, I did love the piece.
111
111
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ah, a grasping poem for our hearts to ponder. This is filled with shadows, and reverie, and a mystic sense of eternal.

Lines I love:

The dead lay facing up, in no more pain.
They see, perhaps, their light of fame,
as well as night with its moon and stars,
planets in their orbs, darkness, and rain.

There are other roads that could have been taken,
roads that would not end in tombs, forsaken.

A sensitive, beautiful job!
112
112
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Excellent piece! A wonderful melody of words that blends lightly in our minds, this piece helps us wander through the images of a great city. The poem caresses and carries the reader through the vibrancy of New York City. Loving the city as I do, this piece brought past memories to life. This is soothing and bountiful. It has a lyrical quality.

whose white sienna marble
turns hue with the daylight and opens
onto the downstairs where walls are
the color of ripening winter wheat.

There must be a fine edge on each
fine horizon that ceases to move,
in the distance, but stays, as we do,
detached, and totally aware.

These are wonderful lines. The last stanza is beautifully written.

Great job!
113
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Review of God Is On My Side  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome Newbie!

This is pretty cool. It has fire. It has energy, it has emotion. The rhythm of the piece is off, and there are grammer errors. But, who cares! Sometimes, we just have to get out our feelings, and our anger. And you have done a good job backing the devil off, and poking him, and putting him down where he belongs!

God Bless! Keep up the good fight!
114
114
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ah, a sweet poem, richly subtle, and inviting!

She has
the sentient look of one whose image is
forever deep and placid as your own.

What a nice flow of language, wrapping and molding for the tongue. One leaves the poem with refreshment and wonder, and a smile.

Very Nice!

(I'm going to stop reviewing your stuff....it's too good!) LOL...

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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this...very nice. I love these lines:

I loiter shamelessly among your darker days,
intrude upon your hours of desperate isolation,

The last two lines read awkwardly for me, but, that's o.k. I just wish you'd make this piece longer, I'd like to relax in this mellowness of language all afternoon!

Good job!
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Review of Photograph  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a bitterly sweet wave of remembrance, and a sad longing for the past. There is such emotion here, and a beautiful stream of imagery. Lines I loved:

You took me to a place away from the trail
where we could watch the sunset in the creek's reflection.
I took a picture that night, of only the upside down rippling trees,
but everything else stands out in my mind
like my own personal still-frame summer.

This is filled with an innocence, and a sorrow. I think the lines could be formatted differently, but, then that might change the read, so, I'd say just leave it the way it is.

Good Job!
117
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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
It's fitting that I read this on Easter Eve after having gone to the first Easter Mass. I couldn't stop reading this story. It was very moving for me, and made me appreciate more the events of that Good Friday, and the subsequent joy of Easter.

I guess, for me, what makes a story good, is my need to continue reading it. When I'm not hung up on the lines or the words, or the structure, then I know it's done it's job. I am no expert on story writing. I only know what holds my interest.

The voices of Mary and Peter, spoke in a natural, human way. The words were not brittle or manufactured. They seemed true to the events and the emotion.

Altogether, a piece that gave me reflection, and a new view of the suffering of God's Holy Mother.

Thank you for writing this!

Happy Easter! He is Risen!
118
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Review of Morning Sun  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another wonderful expression of words. This is magical, mystical, inviting for a reader's mind to swirl in contemplation and reflection. Wonderful lines:

Old Sol slides higher in the sky,
Causing colors below to live,
For life is indeed his to give.
Butterflies flit, pretend they're shy -
Summer at its most creative.


Another great job!
119
119
Review of Evergreen  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ah, yes, a lovely, sweet remembrance! A love poem that finally fulfills the gaping need for reverence of that subject. This is a soft weave of cloth that delicately moves the reader, and invites contemplation of the beauty of love. Favorite line:

So, my love, beside you I want to stay.
Until the woodsman's ax bites deep within,

A wonderful piece! Thank you for restoring my faith in
poetic expressions of "love."

Great Job!
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Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this in my Review Forum. This is an interesting play on the ballad format, and I like the repetitive beat in the lines. The reader must get accustomed to the rhythm, however. Lines I liked:

Watched by hawks and sparrows,
Into the cold creek water,

Spraying freezing water 'round,
Into rye fields gold and high

I think the piece works well until the last two stanzas. The last line of the fifth stanza is awkward, and the last stanza needs re-working. The final line of the piece is awkward and confusing to me. You begin the ballad with the subject making a journey to spread news....but then it veers to going to a lady's house, and then it just drops off into something we don't understand.
I suggest keeping the theme of the beginning verses, and changing the last two verses to reflect more of the initial theme.

You have good use of rhythm, though, and it's an interesting idea for a ballad.

Keep Writing!

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121
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this alot. It reminds me of my father, who also used the "Invisible Band-Aid" routine with me. There's a nice presentation of stanzas here, and the emotion comes through well. This I liked:

It's funny how things change
You grow up and realize
That invisible Band-Aids are nothing,
That your dad isn't Superman
That, in fact, he can't fix anything

I would have liked a continuation of that thought....how we grow up and realize Dad isn't Superman, he can't fix everything....

The last two stanzas change the feel of the piece rather quickly. I guess I wasn't prepared for that shift in mood. But, I can't be critical of the writing, or the use of those stanzas. For me, I suppose I just wanted the poem to continue in the previous vein.

Altogether a good piece!

KEEP WRITING!
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Review of Votive  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love your writing. I always enjoy reading it. I seem to linger over words, and pause to absorb their effect. Good writing does that. You have a subtle use of language that seems to whisper to the reader. I always love your titles. "Votive" is a relaxed, angular title for this. And I always enjoy how you structure your lines.

It was
as if

I love the use of that to begin each stanza. It's a romantic, fluid opening for what is to follow.

The imagery is quite beautiful. The comparison of the candle to the "autumn evening's sun".......the use of wax to portray petals and blossoms.....it's all so ethereal and light in it's mood.

And this is wonderful:

It was
as if
he begged
of her new life
from what was ashen,
and would not reach for heat
that he might wait for passion.

I love that last line......it wraps the entire piece so perfectly, and ties all the images together.

Excellent job!

Thanks for allowing me to review this!

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Review of Placesettings  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is wonderful!

What a superb, interesting subject to use as an analogy. This, again, uses wonderful imagery, and delicate language. Each word is carefully chosen for it's place in the piece. Nothing is wasted. The structure of the lines is excellent. The line breaks are perfect. A marvelous job!

KEEP WRITING!

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Review of Against the Wind  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome newbie!

Very nice writing! This moves easily. There is not a wasted word. It is brief, tightly written, and carries the reader through your experience. It shows good imagery, and uses nice visual language.

Good examples:

To dig deep into
Rock or sand,
Mountain or blackest soil
And put forth roots,
To curl down into the depths
To cling moist and spread
Among the rocks-deeper still
Until these shoots find glory

Excellent Job!

KEEP WRITING!



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Review of First Winter  Open in new Window.
Review by njames51 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I peeked into your folder and found this.

This is beautiful. It's such a soft haven of mood, and life, and remembrance. There is not a wasted word. And the joy of reading a poem this nicely written, is that it gives the reader an emotion to sleep with, to dream on, to recall through his own life experiences, days he too can remember.

Thanks for writing this.
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