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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nljones
Review Requests: OFF
163 Public Reviews Given
164 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I look for grammar and spelling mistakes and generally focus on how the piece reads like the flow and word choice. If you are just seeking a review of the overall story, just ask. I am still a little new to review but I try to be as thorough as possible and point out any and all mistakes that I can find. I will usually review anything that you request of me if I have time. Though there are a few genres and types of writing I don't really prefer.
I'm good at...
Finding typos, grammar and spelling mistakes and telling you how the writing made me feel.
Favorite Genres
Action/adventure, sci-fi, mystery, fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, romance, horror, LGBT
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, flash fiction, and poetry
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels and short stories more than 5000 words.
I will not review...
Erotica or Romance. Not my cup of tea. Sorry.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jonoprecel,

This is the review you requested!

Initial thoughts:

To be honest, when I first started reading it, I thought the descriptions were a bit too much. But once I got passed the first paragraph, I caught myself being pulled in to the story. I was able to visualize the scenes and I wanted more.

I really enjoyed the story and I am curious as to what will happen next. I highly recommend continue this story if you don't already have plans to do so!

As I was reading I just say one thing that may need to be looked at.

Suggested Edits:

I think you are missing the word "the" in this sentence, "Billy was about to put the engine into gear when a loud bang perforated [the] silence of the night."


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2
2
Rated: E | (5.0)
Heehee... It's still true!
3
3
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aw! Love it still! You're so kind!
4
4
Review of On Dragons Wings  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha... allergic... that's great.

Hi Joseph,

This is the review you requested. Generally speaking, I really enjoyed the story. Though I haven't read much fantasy recently, this was a pretty refreshing little story with just enough humor to make it pleasant.

The little jokes places here and their blended quite well with the descriptions and the overall story.

I think you also left off at a great point where you leave the reader wanting to know what happens next, which I see you already have more writings to come after this one.

Nothing stood out to me as needing to be edited or changed, so great job with the editing!

I enjoyed it, and it's definitely something I would pick up and read more of in the future. I hope you find this review helpful and encouraging.

Keep writing!


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5
5
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Martin,

Here is the review that you requested.

As someone who has read several of your pieces in the past, I know that you have a knack for descriptive writing and this piece is no exception. You ave very descriptive, especially of the people.

However, I feel that this piece is a bit more sporadic that piece I have read in the past. It seems to jump very quickly from scene to scene and I felt as if I barely met the characters and understood where they were at, before it jumped to another scene. Even though most of the chapter here are a bit longer, I think that you could use more time in particular scenes to really establish a setting for the reader.

I think the story will be interesting and I am curious to read more, but I think it moves a bit too quickly for my taste.

This is strictly my opinion as a reader and I hope you will take it for what it is and keep writing!

Thanks for requesting a review!


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6
6
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As an ESL teacher and someone who wrote a thesis on global variations of English, it is interesting to me that some things you write are very British while other things seem to be different that what I consider typical of British English. For example, you wrote asshole instead of asrehole, but you still called the back of the car the boot. (Just a random observation, but really relevant to the question you asked in the review.)

Now for my review:


As someone who is not a fan of anything horror, going into this knowing it was horror, I was kind of on the edge of my seat from the first mention of the manor. This kept me pushing forward to finish reading the story, but I'm not sure if it will keep others pushing forward the same it did for me.

After finishing a complete read through, I have 2 main comments. First, I do believe people will want to read this. I want to know more about the one who locked the boy in the study. Did the boy die in the study? Why is he "still there" and not not a grown man?

Second, I was a bit distracted by the grammar and typos. I know that this is still a pretty rough draft and you just want to know if you should continue writing it, but there is quite a bit of editing to be done.

Short answer: Yes! Keep writing it! Definitely! I want to read more!

Thanks for requesting a review!

I am giving it 4 stars strictly because of the grammar. The story itself is great!


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7
7
Review of The Best Friday  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Laurie,

This review comes to your courtesy of your friend Merry_Mikey Author IconMail Icon as part of an auction package he won during the Four Seasons Auction! I hope you find it useful!

Thoughts:

This is kind of a cool poem. I actually read it a few times, because I was trying to get a few more details I may have missed. It appears to be about spending the day with your family, a Friday, and though things aren't the same as they were years ago with having to fish and harvest the food they were eating, they were still enjoying time and a meal together.

There is an underlying appreciation and importance for family, even though time passes, family remains important.

You have a nicely written poem, though I think it is free verse, which is somewhat out of my comfort zone for writing, but I applaud you in your success.

Thanks so much for sharing your writings with all of WDC.

Keep Writing and Stay Pesky!

Amanda


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8
8
Review of Restoration  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Mike,

This is a review as part of the package you won for the Four Seasons Auction! Thanks for supporting the acution and all who benefit from it!

Thought:

I love this story. It is short, sweet, relatable, and heartwarming. The love between a father and daughter is truly special. It is well written and I like the fact that you didn't just say "friend wrecked car, dad blamed daughter, daughter was sad, dad was sorry, daughter forgave dad." You put it so much more elegantly and it is just a really nice and simple piece to read.

Thanks so much for sharing!

Keep Writing and Stay Pesky!

Amanda


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9
9
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lee,

Sorry for such a long wait on this review. I truly hope that it is helpful and worth the wait. The first thing that I like to do whenever I review something for someone is to run it through Grammarly.com, a general editing software. I will first start out my talking through some of the results from there.

Grammarly Results:

1. Based on Vocabulary, readability, and word count, Grammarly scored this writing as a 58 out of 100. The higher the number, the better. I usually aim for somewhere between 75 and 90. 100 if I am shooting for as close to perfect as I can manage.

2. There are 52 correctness alerts. The most common problem you have according to Grammarly is the lack or commas. This includes not using the Oxford comma when making lists. You might want to try to read up on the use of commas for more academically sound essays. There were a few more minor mistakes, but nothing worth mentioning in a review.

3. For clarity sake, and I agree with Grammarly on this point, you have some really long sentences. For example, you have a paragraph that begins with "I hold to this theory..." and it is literally one long sentence. It is a 99 word sentence. It has a lot of punctuation, but none of them are full stops. For clarity, simplicity of reading, and general flow, I could recommend breaking up several of your really long sentences. Grammarly flagged 13 sentences are being too long or too difficult to understand.

4. Finally, Grammarly did approve of your delivery when it was set to casual, neutral tone, informative, and for a general audience. Good job with this.

Now I will move on to my personal thought.

Personal Thoughts:

1. I think the topic is rather interesting. I have never seen the movie, though I have some idea of what it is about from social media and what not and I am a Christian so the comparison caught my attention.

2. I think there are a few points in the paper where the flow is broken a bit, mostly in places where you as "side notes" and (comments like this). If this were an academic essay, I would say this is frowned upon. There are other ways to include such comments that make them not so disruptive to the flow.

3. I think you have a lot of good descriptions and I can feel as I read that you truly believe these connections are there. I think I would have to see the movie to make the connections myself, but it certainly leaves the reader with something to think about.

Overall:{b/}

Overall, I think the essay could use some polishing. It doesn't read like an academic essay, but it is still pretty nicely written. You have support that backs your arguments and I can see that you spent a lot of time in thought trying to process this comparison.

Thanks so much for requesting the review. Sorry again that you had to wait for so long. If you want to discuss anything further or have questions about any of my comments, please feel free to contact me!

Keep Writing!

A.L. Faulkenberry


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10
10
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello bumblegunjones,

For your donation and support of the 2019 Summer Time Auction, I am writing a review for you. Since you chose to have me review the short stories that are part of a single item, I will just write both reviews in one but I will separate them so you know which part of the review applies to what. I feel like because this is technially a book, I should read them in order so I will just read the first two and review them.

Review 1:

This is a review of "Just another Small Bang" and these are my initial thoughts:

I wasn't really sure what this was about. The big bang? A Science experiment gone wrong? And explosion? So I was curious espeically since you put it in the comedy genre.

Suggestions:

It is just an aesthetics things but it also would help to make it easier to read. I would suggestion dividing up the dialogue. I believe, at least it's how I did it in my book, it is common practive to put each speaker on a line by themselves. For Example:

"Hi, Sam. How are you?"

"Hi, Sally. I am tired, but I am excited to start school today."

Maybe it is just a personal opinion. But is is also easier on the eyes.

Final Thoughts:

*Laugh* Wow... That Henry and his plans for every letter of the alphabet. That was great. I actually would have liked to have read about every letter's plan. I know you skipped some for the sake of not boring the audience with a drawn out story but it was enjoyable and I actually wouldn't have minded reading about the plans for each of the 256 letters. Would have been neat to see what your brain could come up with.

Review 2:

This is a review of "Time Brings Humor to Everything" and my initial thoughts:

The first thing that I noticed is that the stories are not necessarily connected. So I am assuming that your books are just books of short stories revolving around the same characters. I don't think I have ever read a book like this but it is an interesting concept.

I also noticed the puns right off the bat, first sentence, BAM! Nice!

Suggestions:

"Lately Little Henry has been concerned..." Grammatically, this sentence needs a comma after the word "lately."

Final Thoughts:

I am honestly a bit confused by this story. It is like a bunch of small stories inside of a slightly larger story. I had a bit of a hard time following. Each of the stories individually were kind of funny, but it was a bit difficult for me to jump from one to the other and keep up with what was going on or ever what the point of the story as a whole was. As near as I can tell, the point was to talk about the shenanigans happening at the Widget Factory. Though it was a bit strange for me.

Thanks so much for sharing your work! I did enjoy reading it and thank you for supporting charity through the 2019 Summer Time Auction!

Keep Writing!

Pesky Amanda


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11
11
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Martin,

Sorry it has taken so long to get to this review. Hopefully, it will be worth the wait!

Initial Thoughts:

The first thing I thought as I began to read was "I think I need to grab a dictionary." This isn't really a problem, but depending on your audience, you may lose people in the bigger and less commonly used words you chose. But if your target audience is people with higher levels of education who enjoy fantasy that hasn't be "dumbed-down" then I think you are on point.

I haven't read the first book so I can't honestly say that I know who most of these people are. Though I think I did read and write a review about a chapter or two of that book because the main character's name is familiar to me. But in not knowing who some of these people are, it makes me question why they matter and I don't have a connection to them but that is simply because of lack of former exposure to them.

Continued Reading:

As I continued to read, I noticed a few grammar things like missing commas. Here for example, "The dragon-rider held her head back her dark hair blowing in the wind," you need a comma after "back" but these are minor things that an average reader probably wouldn't notice.

Here is another sentence that doesn't totally make sense to me: "his wings beat once twice then stretched wide" the "once twice" is what confuses me. Is it missing a comma or did you mean to delete one of those options?

"The Adoin more recently put a bounty on very maiden captured dead or alive." Should this be "every" instead of "very?"

"I’m not dead yet,” he spoke aloud rolling on his onto his back" There is another typo here.

Final Thoughts:

Is a human going to marry a dragon? How does that work? A little confused here. Could be a prior knowledge thing.

I feel like generally speaking, you need a good editor or even just you yourself going through to edit it. There are several typos and things that I think a good text editor like Grammarly or something would be useful in helping you clean up. I use Grammarly after I write everything and then give it a good once over. I think that would help you but it does take time.

Aside from that, I think you have an interesting story. I was a little distracted by the typos but I am an editor so that is common for me but may be not noticed by the average reader.

I am rating this with three stars because I just feel like it isn't finished yet. I feel like it needs a lot of cleaning up and maybe a bit of rewriting as well. But it's a good start!

I will send you a few more comments in an email and if you have specific questions, respond to the review email and I will have a look. But these are my comments based on a general review.

Thanks for the review request and something interesting to read.

Stay Pesky!

Amanda


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12
12
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Mike,

It's me again, back for your second review for the Four Seasons Auction.

Initial Thoughts:

I was not really sure where this story was going, but as I started reading I was pretty sure something bad was going to happen. I am still not sure if this is a true story or not but my goodness, how terrible! Poor kid and poor woman. But 10 years for a joke gone wrong. What a shame.

Continuing:

I was intrigued enough by the story that I wanted to keep reading it. Though it isn't what I normally read, I still enjoyed it. It is actually a good length once you reach the end, but I felt it was a bit lengthy in the middle when you were describing what happened after she saw the snake. But then I thought you also could have given more details about court and the meetings you mentioned.

Suggestions:

Aside from what I just mentioned, I don't have any suggestions for you. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for sharing. For Martin's sake, I hope it isn't a true story though.

Stay Pesky!
Amanda


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13
13
Review of Now Serving  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Mike,

First, I don't think I mentioned this when we talked the first time but thank you. Thank you for your service to your country.

This is one of the reviews I owe you for the Four Season Auction:

Initial Thoughts:

The first thing I noticed was how short it was. Even though I have found quite a few short stories with real meaning, I still find it to be a challenge than many attempt and don't quite succeed at.

Continued:

I am happy to say that you exceeded my expectations with this piece. It is well written and simple, but also full of emotions and curiosity. Though based on our previous conversations, I believe I knew where it was going from the beginning, I still wanted to read to the end.

Favorite Part:

I think my favorite part when when you started describing the location at the mall because I remember that. We had one of those in my hometown too. Located in the mall, through the food court, and it was located across from a RadioShack for a long time. This is awesome because even if your reader has never taken that journey, they have certainly seen people who have.

Suggestions:
It's a short piece so it is challenging to find anything to make suggestions on but there was one word that I found to be a bit strange.

"He found himself noticing the lapel pins on the old men negotiating the aisles at the store..."

I feel like this word "negotiating" should be changed to "navigating" and that could just be a personal opinion. So that it for what it's worth.

Thanks again for sharing your writing. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I hope that you thoroughly enjoyed writing it as well!

Stay Pesky!
Amanda


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14
14
Review of Knock, Knock  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

You requested a review from me but you didn't send any specific requests so here are my thoughts on the piece.

Initial Thoughts:

At first I thought you were talking about death, then for a brief moment, I thought it was about God, and eventually, I went back to death. It was a pretty well written piece and I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors that jumped out at me.

Overall:

It is a nice quick read that makes you kind of shiver and I bet if I were reading it at night in the dark of my home all alone, I would shiver even more. I enjoyed the read, if you have any more specific questions, feel free to respond to the review.

Thanks for the request!

Keep Writing! Stay Pesky! Choose Happiness!


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15
15
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Martin,

This is the review you requested of me. Let me know if you have any further questions. Remember these are simply my thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. I will not focus on grammar because it was not specifically requested.

Initial Thoughts:

When I first started reading, I thought, "This sounds like Cinderella." But I think it is more the fairytale nature of the chapter, not the actual storyline.

Things to look at:
1. "Not able to tell to tell the truth about her parents." You repeated "to tell"
2. "I now get some rest" I am not sure what this is supposed to say but I don't think now is the right word. Or maybe delete I?
3. There are a few places where there are some missing commas or possibly run on sentences. I suggest using Grammarly.com it should find those for you.

Overall:

I think it is a pretty short chapter, which is fine for me because I don't like reading chapters that seem to drag on forever. I do think that you said the character's names a little too often. Almost everytime Isabella talked to the fairy, she said her name. I think the point is to drive home what her name is so the reader doesn't forget but think about everyday dialogue, we don't say the person's name we are talking to, not usually. I had a similary problem in my first book too. Just something to watch out for.

I enjoyed the read. It was a pretty simple read though I don't think it is a child's fairytale. But for young adults who like fantasy, I could see this becoming quite popular. I am curious as to how this continues.

Keep writing! Let me know if you have any further questions!


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16
16
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi April!

I assume that is your name as that is what you used in the piece. You requested a review and said you wanted it to be publication ready. On that note, I am actually going to send you a Word document to your WDC email with comments so you can see the sections that you need to look at more easily.

The first thing I did was run it through Grammarly.com and made comments about things that need to be changed based on that. Then I read through it paying attention not only to the story but of other typos and grammar mistakes Grammarly might have missed.

The document I will have a lot of information and things in it but I also want to talk to you in this review about the piece itself...

This is a heart-wrenching piece that I know is a personal story. It is short and sweet but it is also full of emotions. I can see why you needed someone else to look at it before you sent it off because it is just too personal to be able to look at it without your personal emotions and feelings getting in the way.

I loved reading it. I am so thankful that you asked me to read it. I cannot imagine going through something like that though I know many people have been through that same situation which is why I know the story will be relatable to so many people.

It left me with questions, wanting to know if you ever got to hug him again. What happened later? Things like that.

My heart breaks for you and your family having to go through such a thing.

But I think you did a wonderful job of writing it out. It does need a few tweaks here and there but my guess is that a lot of what I pointed out are just typos. I know because I make the same ones.

I will send over the document shortly. If you have any questions about what is included in the comments or in this review, I would be happy to talk through things with you.

Thanks for sharing such a personal story and keep writing for sure!


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17
17
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Robert,

Thanks for entering the Pretty Pesky Prompts Contest!

Congrats on taking 2nd place!

I just wanted to drop you a quick review...

Comical as expected. Very unlikely this will ever happen, you don't become a billionaire and the president by having your mind changed by strangely colored eyes... haha.

But I enjoyed reading it and laughing.

Thanks!

Stay Pesky!


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18
18
Review of LIFE AFTER DEATH  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Lousia,

Thanks so much for entering the Pretty Pesky Prompts Contest!

I just wanted to drop you a quick review.

I really enjoyed reading your piece. It was interesting enough to keep me going. The descriptions were good.

I did find it a little predictable but I liked that you never clearly stated that she was a vampire now.

Hope to read your work again sometime soon!

Stay Pesky!


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19
19
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Mastiff,

I haven't actually read the original of this story but I am pretty sure that there is nothing sexual about it. Good job on taking the prompt and truly making the story "more adult"

I thought it was funny that the wilder things were all of the exs. That made me laugh out loud a bit. And when you talked about gnashing their teeth and commented that "at least I only paid a dentist for one" that was great!

That was a very interesting take of this story, I enjoyed it.

Thanks for entering!

Stay Pesky!


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20
20
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey Queen Kissy,

I really like how you used the story to teach a lesson. It really helps it to stay true to what I think most people think of when they think of nursery rhymes and children's stories.

I love your descriptions of both the people and the locations. I can picture everything in my mine and almost hear the people speaking how I feel that their personality makes them sound. Great job there.

There were a few mistakes grammatically or typos. At one point, you said "slice of break" and small things like that. I make those mistakes a lot too. My suggestion is to use Grammarly. It isn't perfect but it often times catches things like that if you will use it. It is greatly improved my writing quality. The Hemmingway app is another good one.

Either way, mistakes or not, I really enjoyed reading your story!

Thanks for entering!

Stay Pesky!


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21
21
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Huntersmoon,

Just wanted to drop in an share my thoughts on your piece. Thanks for entering Pretty Pesky Prompts!

When I started reading this for judging purposes, I thought the name for Snow sounded familiar but then I realized that I had read it when you entered it because I was very curious about it. Good name.

I would be very curious to see if the story plays out as Snow thinks it will, based on the original. I like that you actually referred to the original story that was a nice twist.

It was a good read. I think you should continue it and finish the story out.

Thanks again for entering!

Stay Pesky!


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22
22
Review of Goodbye Moon  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Cupadraig,

Thanks so much for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. here is a quick review.

- I don’t actually know the story that this was based on but from the start of your version, I hope the original is much happier than how I suspect yours will end.

- nice work with the rhyming and what I can only assume is the original format of the story this is based on.

One line that may or may not be a mistake:
“This broken and shattered done life”

If it is supposed to rhyme with the previous line, it should end with done.

Nice work overall. Thanks for entering and good luck!

Look out for your pretty pesky trinket in your inbox soon!

Keep writing! Stay Pesky! Choose Happiness!


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23
23
Review of The Dream  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Vine1**Vine2**Tulipp**Vine1**Vine2* This is a part of the "The Hunter Games-CLOSED ALREADY" Open in new Window. Activities *Vine1**Vine2**Tulipp**Vine1**Vine2*


Hi Luke Goff!

You have a WDC anniversary today! And this review is to celebrate your presence here on the site!

Initial Thoughts:

It reads a lot like a monologue, instead of a story. Like the character is just talking to the reader. But he chases a lot of rabbits. Not a bad thing if that is what you are going for but I felt that I was a little lost in the random details like making mosaics on doorways... is this a relevant or necessary detail?

Things to Look at:

1. "It was in the cafe one second" I think 'it' should be "I" maybe not.

2. "on doorways for customers." I think it should be "in doorways"

Final Thoughts:

Wow... I am not sure what happened here. Is he trapped inside his mind? Is he conscious or laid up somewhere in a coma? This is kind of a crazy thing to think about. But it was certainly interesting to read.

Thanks so much for sharing!

Keep Writing. Stay Pesky. Choose Happiness. And Happy Anniversary!


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24
24
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello Spidy!

I don't usually read horror but I wanted to wish you a happy WDC anniversary and grant you this review! So I found this story in your portfolio instead.

Initial Thoughts:

I am freaked out just by the title and the fact that it's about a clown. But I am curious about how horror and laughter go together.

Oh! Futuristic. Nice touch. Hospital... creepy.

Not knowing what laughing is? *Shock* how depressing!

*Shock* What?! Ok... now I understand why it is a satire.

Final Thoughts:

Well, I found it to be quite depressing. But very real at the same time. It seems that people take pleasure in laughing at the extent of others and the pain of others. Really sad actually.

I didn't find any mistakes or notable errors that I felt needed tending to. That is a good sign! You did a good juob writing and editing this piece.

Thanks for sharing and reminding me about laughter.

Keepy Writing. Stay Pesky. Choose Happiness. And Happy Anniversary!


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25
25
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Vine1**Vine2**Tulipp**Vine1**Vine2* This is a part of the {{item:2159670} Activities *Vine1**Vine2**Tulipp**Vine1**Vine2*


Here is a donation of 20000 GPS!

Hope this helps!

Keep doing good RAOK!

Stay Pesky! Choose Happiness!
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