This is a lovely little poem. I think you may have a few too many words though. I feel the first paragraph is preachy and un-necessary. How dramatic it would be to start at To hide...
and continue on a new paragraph.
In stanza two try Never believe or conceive
You should hide
In these places
I would move on as you did with your loaded statement with the ...
and then a new stanza.
In stanza three I would say If ever you succeed
You will find
You existed
For never.
However, I still loved the piece and think it is a great poem. You will have to be the judge of any changes you make. These often come naturally when you read your poem out loud to yourself or others. I always find the poem finds its own life and rhythm then. Often words get left out, and often words get put in!
Sorry I dont have many points left to give you. Keep on writing.
It is late here and I havnt time now to do a full feedback, but so far all I can see is that here and there you veer into the masters point of view, and the pup or old dogs viewpoint is not always consistent either.
I will be coming back to this story, I love the way the dog sees the world in terms of pleasing his master and learning new tricks, not seeing things and judging morally like we would. (I have 3 dogs myself)
Make sure your spellings are correct (I'm a devil for getting them wrong myself) Little words like Too instead of to can really trip us up!
I am a sucker for nature poems, but I really did enjoy yours with the surprise ending.
As it ambled through a calm morning in Autumn I just enjoyed the weather and the feel of Autumn around me, but when the trees let go (which is a lovely way of seeing Autumn) and then you ask will i? I was gobsmacked.
This poem was not about nature at all only about someone who was taking succor in nature from a broken heart perhaps? Definitely moving on in life as the seasons do.
You could loose the word echoing without taking away from the poem. What else has an echo to do but 'be echoing'.
I had to read this poem a few times. I was not convinced it was a poem, but you chose to write your message in poetic form.
Have you thought about putting 'maximum performance' on its own line with a capital letter at the start. I believe this would help smack home a message. I would do the same with Quick, headstong t thinking.' Put a full stop there and then continue deleting the and on the next line. The final stanza is very strong and beautifully deep. I would change the words 'And doing so' to 'And thus'.
The reasons I suggest these changes is to help the flow of the poem. However, I am a great believer in the poets original words conveying the message he or she really wants. I would not take away these words if they would change the meaning of your poem. I don't think they would though. I, as a reader, may have got your whole message wrong. Who knows?
Is the message to be brave and to break old patterns and not keep going on the same old life treadmill and listening to the same old lifes negative messages?
What a shock I got when I reached the end of your story! Most unexpected!
You went through every problem a prisoner of war could have. It was clearly set in the future, yet could have been any age. The problem was universal.
I felt some of the words were unnecessary. I felt a soldiers problems would not land in his lap, they would emerge during hostilities. you could have left out ' It was a universal standard: Captors eat first; the captured last.' and maybe told us some of the terrible meals offered. When you said the food was not the problem, you followed immediately with 'Once he had enough of the rocks' ...as if he had eaten rocks! Funny, intentional or not.
Overall it was an interesting story. i loved the repetition of ..... was not the problem. The story held my interest, and my comments above are only my opinion. And of course, what a marvelous ending.
I enjoyed your short story. The characters, especially the two sisters that got on, were very real. So was the feeling your main character felt. It was obvious she was not in on the loop in this family. But the family were not even aware that they left her outside. The poor old elephant with the foot missing may as well have been herself.
I thought that you might leave out paragraph 2. We know it is Christmas, and it is very obvious that she is not connected to this family. The story stands alone without it. Without the 2nd paragraph the story shows and doesn't tell. That paragraph takes away from this. However, if i know writers, you had a particular reason for putting this in.
I actually learned about show not tell from your story! Thank you! But the story itself was great about the trickiness and fine line and sometimes delusional relationships we have in our families.
I liked your short poem. It said everything very quickly without being messy about it. It does not tell of the event itself, just of the feelings, and i like this. it could refer to anything from rape, abuse, house robbery, or betrayal by a lover.
You could perhaps loose the word 'territorial' and replace it with 'terrible'. Territorial may take the reader on to the wrong track. When i read territorial i presumed you were talking war, or an invasion, but the rest of the poem was emotional. Perhaps you meant the poem to be about war, but this is not clear.
This is my first review. I hope I do your poem justice.
When i read this poem it brought Beauty and the Beast to mind.
It reminds me of a time in my life when i was very depressed and did not want to meet anyone and was painfully aware that i looked as sad as i felt. During this time you dont feel normal or part of life or even deserving of life at times. They are very dark days when you think noone could like yourself.
The other thing that occurred to me was that this poem was about someone whose face or body was disfigured through some accident and this writer was trying to come to terms with his/her body again.
I dont think you need the Alas at the start. The poem is strong enough without it. And there may be no need for the Shakespearean language. on my face would do.
It is a very strong emotional poem and requires revisiting. It is powerful.
Thank you
Nollaig
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