Dear Desolate Fiend, I love your story! The way you put the idea of distance transversed, both of the physical and of the spiritual --why, that alone, is beautifully done. There is an abstactness that I can imagine the simple man identifying with that ironically would make a more cunning soul unable to fathom --though it might style itself more wise. And that the simple soul might do a thing, and sacrifice a thing, that a more cunning soul would not even think of doing or even dare to consider: This is the bravery that can face Hell --and survive. Your story is very good. --Novelvision
A song's lyrics, of course, are a bit hard to recon without the music. At least, this is so for me. Yet I will speak to the content of the lyrics quite simply. I think it is a good thing when free will is questioned. I think it is a good thing when someone asks: is this this life the true hell? Of course, I am just a warp-case. Pay me no never-mind. But. Are you looking for reasons to go on? I am not suggesting anything concerning rashness. I just mean-- just plain good reasons that make it all worth while? Think of all the lyrics in that alone. Hey, good luck with your tunes. N
Icehound: You have made a remarkable little image of alienation, social isolation --and how meaning is tied to love. A reader may want just a little more on why the woman "who feels so close" must be approached in the way the protagonist is driven to do at his own great personal danger in the cold streets of a cold society. Other than that, for the length of your story, I would refrain from more clarity about the protagonist's own intent. I personally like some of the ambiguities that force this man to be a "tourist." If anything, perhaps add more imagery concerning the city's stench and physical corruption --as it points to some vague social corruption and the image of a rotting, loveless world.
Dear DS: I am giving you a less than average rating because of spelling problems. But I want to give you a rating better than that for the intensity of the true thing you are saying. Anger and hurt --and pain, really often do generalize to the chest area. A person CAN die of heartache. But why all the anguish? Please, tell us more. Please, keep writing from the heart. Don't die from the heart. Write from the heart. Keep telling your story.
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