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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/noyoki
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367 Public Reviews Given
386 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style is fairly detailed. I am not the sort to only give praise. My goal is to help you explore your characters, plot, and the overall structure of your work.
I'm good at...
I'm good at offering balanced advice. My reviews will explore those aspects of your writing that work well, and the areas that need more improvement.
Favorite Genres
I prefer darker work, horror, science fiction, fantasy, and erotica. I will accept any rating of work you wish for me to review.
Least Favorite Genres
I don't care for light hearted, feel good romances.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and novels.
Least Favorite Item Types
Non-fiction. I like reading poetry, but please know that I have very little knowledge of poetry structure, so my reviews will be based strictly on a reader standpoint and how it sounds from the reader's perspective.
I will not review...
I'll give anything a try.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Happy Nights Inn  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello R Author Icon

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This is the story of a man whose life has gone off the rails. He finds himself driving through a lonely winter landscape only to have his car break down. A strange Inn saves him from freezing to death, but in the end that might have been a better way to go.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* I liked how the items in the glove box tell a story about the man we're dealing with. That he's an alcoholic, a man who has anger issues, and someone who is lost.

         *BurstB* Knowing this is a horror story, I like the foreshadowing you used in the Inn Keeper's first words to the main character about how customers tend to leave a big bloody mess behind.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* The first four paragraphs are wordy. You are doing a lot of telling without showing. Try something like this: The endless miles spun out behind him, and mirrored the expanse of snow covered road ahead. He hadn't seen another car, or a turn off in over an hour. The sharp hiss of snow on the windshield scratched at his raw nerves, and he found himself glancing uneasily at the stranger looking back at him from the review mirror. With hesitant fingertips, he fingered the bald bald scalp. Where had his slicked back brown hair gone? He grimaced as he tugged at the ragged nest of hair covering his cheeks and chin. When was the last time he'd shaved?

         *BurstG* I've noticed that you are writing in present tense. I'm not great at present tense, so my suggestions will be in past tense. I hope that's okay.

         *BurstG* The start of this story foreshadows a car accident, since the driver is clearly not paying attention to what he's doing, and the weather isn't great. Instead of having him run out of gas, I would have him lose control of the vehicle and crash.

         *BurstG* I would change this line: Left with no other choice, he is forced to swallow the pills without the aid of a drink. To: Left with no other choice, he swallows the pills dry.

         *BurstG* I would change: After putting the tip of the cigarette between his upper and lower lips, he reaches for the lighter in his left jeans pocket. To: He slipped the cigarette between his lips and pulls the lighter out of his pocket.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

While this piece needs some work, there is potential here for an interesting scary story. I'm not sure if you're finished with it or not, but one of the things that needs to be tied up is who the man is, and if he's the one who took the child. At first, I thought the news report was about the man, even though he wasn't a child, people still react strongly to a missing loved one. Then I realized the man probably kidnapped and killed the boy, and the Inn punished him for his actions. I'm not sure if it is either of these or something else.

I would like to know more about the Inn, and about how the man ended up there. Does it draw in evil people? Is it just chance that draws people there? Do they all fail to cover the mirrors and end up dying for it? There are a lot of questions.

Thank you,

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Write On!!


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2
2
Review of Scales  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sword2L**Castle* Sunspears Flash Review Event *Castle* *Sword2R*


*CastleRight* My Thoughts:

This is a spooky little tale about a small town that could have stepped out of one of Stephen King's novels. Something strange is happening in the town, and worse, the government knows things are wrong and instead of helping, they're keeping the town locked down.

*CastleB* My Favorite Part:

         *Shield7* I enjoyed how you didn't explain what was going wrong. You kept it in the perspective of the main character, and left us all wondering what went wrong in this strange little town. Was it the factory? The water? Maybe a government experiment, or something that came from the ice of the glacier. Anything is possible, and you leave it up to the reader to guess.

         *Shield7* It's interesting that the trees were infected first. The strange blue leaves set the town up for their strange end, instead of jumping right into their changes.

*CastleLeft* My Suggestions:

         *SwordL* One thing I would have liked to see is more sensory detail. Maybe the leaves have a new texture, maybe the people who've changed have a strange odor. You have a lot of great visuals, but not much with the other senses.

         *SwordL* I would have liked to have seen one of the people fully changed. Maybe he looks out the window. What color are the scales? Because of the trees, I saw them as blue. But it would have been neat to get a fuller description of the full transformation.

*CastleGr* Final Thoughts

I'm not sure which would be worse; being trapped in a town where all my neighbors are turning into monsters with no way out. Or being one of the neighbors turning into a monster with no way out. Either way, the tiny town of Springville is doomed. Thank you for all your hard work and for sharing your writing with us!

Thank you,
Noyoki

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Write On!!
3
3
Review of Running Scared  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sword2L**Castle* Sunspears Flash Review Event *Castle* *Sword2R*


*CastleRight* My Thoughts:

This was an interesting story about two young women who end up in a dark cave during a snow storm and get more than they bargained for.

*CastleB* My Favorite Part:

         *Shield7* Eep, I don't think I'd hang out in a cave where something is big enough that I can hear it breathing. I'd rather stay in the car!

         *Shield7* I love how nonchalant Carrie and Walter are about living next to a haunted cave. They talk about it like they might talk about bears in the woods. "Oh I'm sorry the bears startled you, you have to keep an eye out for them when they get into the road."

         *Shield7* I enjoyed how some of the ghosts seemed more playful than evil. I think ghosts would have as many different personalities as people, and it's nice to see ones that aren't the typical 'evil' ghosts.

*CastleLeft* My Suggestions:

         *SwordL* I would add a bit of an explanation at the beginning of what time of year they are camping and why. It seems strange to me that they'd be camping in the winter, since that's usually a summer activity.

         *SwordL* Small edit - Add " in front of Whatever Bell is...

         *SwordL* Small edit - I would remove at, from Something pulled at my hair.

*CastleGr* Final Thoughts

The girls learned a valuable lesson in this story about not going into dark caves at night, and about trusting what their instincts are trying to tell them.

Thank you,
Noyoki

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Write On!!
4
4
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Sword2L**Castle* Sunspears Flash Review Event *Castle* *Sword2R*


*CastleRight* My Thoughts:

The title of this one made me giggle, and click to read.

*CastleB* My Favorite Part:

         *Shield7* The first lines are great. Even though they're only talking about lemonade, you are able to convey a strong sense of urgency around it.

         *Shield7* I had to smile at the quite brilliant idea for the girls to use the Lemonade stand as a sneaky way to gather intel from the community in order to solve their mysteries.

         *Shield7* The way they joked with Mr. Marino was quite fun.

*CastleLeft* My Suggestions:

         *SwordL* One suggestion I'd make is to change the way Carol speaks. It's pretty advanced for a three-year-old. If I hadn't read her age, I would have thought her to be around six or seven.

*CastleGr* Final Thoughts

there could have been a lot of temptation to have them solve something big, but I like how their mysteries were kid sized. It made the story feel more realistic. I could easily see myself in the girls. When I was young a friend and I set up a club house in her shed in the back yard. My brother had a rock tumbler. This story catches a lot of little snippets of childhood. Flavors many of us can remember, and because you didn't over do it, it felt more real.

Thank you for sharing your work with us, and for taking the time to write!

Thank you,
Noyoki

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Write On!!
5
5
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Sword2L**Castle* Sunspears Flash Review Event *Castle* *Sword2R*


*CastleRight* My Thoughts:

This was a delightful twisty tale that took the bones of an old fairy tale and dressed them in new flesh.

*CastleB* My Favorite Part:

         *Shield7* You captured a great snap shot of the father son relationship in the first scene. I could easily see how much Lord Petrus loves Miles. And I can see how much Miles loves and respects his father. It is a good relationship captured well without spelling out their affection for each other bluntly. Great example of show don't tell.

         *Shield7* The forest descriptions were great. I loved the yellow bird, and the use of multiple senses to draw the picture for the readers.

         *Shield7* I enjoyed how you interwove your story with the old fairy tale. Giving enough to echo it without blatantly copying.

*CastleLeft* My Suggestions:

         *SwordL* 'These quality times' is a little awkward. Try - enjoyed spending quality time with his son.

         *SwordL* 'She sat on the ground with her knees together, feet wide apart. I am having a really hard time picturing how this is supposed to look. It sounds painfully uncomfortable. Maybe try something like, She sat with her legs tucked under her, or tucked neatly to the side.

         *SwordL* Maybe mention how old the son is at the beginning. He seemed a lot younger with his dad, then a lot older with his sister.

         *SwordL* "the building seems to stand too feet from the ground, and the underside of the rim seems to be glowing with some kind of weird blue light." This whole line feels very odd for dialog. It sounds like a description accidentally ended up as dialogue. Since they are both there, they're both seeing the same thing. So it would be a little strange for her to describe something they're both witnessing. Maybe try something like, "How is it floating? That's not candle light, it looks more like glow worm silk."

*CastleGr* Final Thoughts

One of the things I loved about this was the visitor. It's not often that we see stories where aliens show up in the past, and I always wonder what the peoples of those times would do if they did. How would they react? What sort of myths would develop around them, and would they be able to fight back with their wits and technology? I think you captured it perfectly.

Thank you,
Noyoki

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Write On!!
6
6
Review of The Last Z  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
WdC 17th Birthday Bash


*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


First Impression ~

The style of this poem is interesting. It feels like free flowing random thoughts, yet the beginning and end tie everything up nicely.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


What Works ~

*Cake* I enjoyed the imagery of your name written in tiles used at the beginning and end of the poem.

*CakeB* 'And when you run your hands across those tiles, scrambling up your name into fragments of undefinable sounds, do you feel a sense of relief because you won't have to share?' This line works on so many levels. The visual aspect of the name in tiles being scrambled, yet the idea of the name being reduced to fragments of sound, adding an element of the auditory to the visual is wonderful.

*Cake3* I liked how you used the idea of leftovers to apply to more than just food. So much in our lives have something leftover that we aren't sure what to do with, you poem captured that.

*CandleB* *CandleG* *CandleO* *CandleP* *CandleR* *CandleV*


What Needs Work ~

*GiftV* 'Or do you loosely pack 'em up and toss them where you keep the things you hope not to see again until you really need to?' In this line I would remove 'until you really need to?'

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


Final Thoughts ~

This poem touches on a lot of greater social ideas in subtle ways that draw the reader in. Thank you for all your hard work and for sharing it with us.

*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


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7
7
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
WdC 17th Birthday Bash


*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


First Impression ~

This is a true story turned into a poem about the odd nature of love and its beginnings.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


What Works ~

*Cake* I like how this is a true story and feels like it. In all the movies and books, it's love at first sight. But, as this poem is titled, this is not that kind of story. It wasn't love at first sight but something that took a lot of time and effort to build.

*CakeB* As mean as the first line is, it rings true. When we've been hurt, our first reaction to someone showing interest in us is to try and drive them off.

*Cake3* I loved the last couple of lines. That you'd made a family with the woman you'd once tried to keep out of your heart, and it really will be until death do you part. So few people believe in that anymore, and I happen to be one of them.

*CandleB* *CandleG* *CandleO* *CandleP* *CandleR* *CandleV*


What Needs Work ~

*GiftV* I would change the line: against my heart to around my heart

*GiftR* I would change these lines:

from being hurt to much.
the others used me
for what I could give them.

to

From being hurt.
Others used me
for what they could take.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


Final Thoughts ~

It took a while for the relationship to bloom, but I think it is all the better for having a chance to grow naturally.

*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


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8
8
Review of The Triangle  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
WdC 17th Birthday Bash


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*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


First Impression ~

This is a story set back in the days of slavery. One with a 13-year-old girl coming into herself as a young woman, whose been outrageously spoiled by her parents, giving her an inflated sense of ego.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


What Works ~

*Cake* 'Poppycock and bull' This is an excellent curse for your character to use based on her age and the setting you've already developed. It fits well and made me smile.

*CakeB* I think you captured the idea of a snotty, stuck up teenage girl well in this. She's an entitled little brat who thinks she deserves to know everything, and who believes the rules don't apply to her. I can see how you're setting things up for her to end up in a relationship with the slave boy, and I think you set it up well.

*Cake3* I like the dynamic you have between Sara and the slaves. Even though she knows she isn't supposed to have anything to do with them, you've shown us that she's friendly with Samuel, friendly enough to go to his hut after dark to ask questions.

*CandleB* *CandleG* *CandleO* *CandleP* *CandleR* *CandleV*


What Needs Work ~

*GiftV* When writing dialogue, make sure to start a new paragraph every time someone new begins to speak. Example:

"Mister, hey mister,(note, add a comma here)" I said to a passing footman.

"Well hellow Miss Sara Jane, what you up to?"

*GiftR* Remove the apostrophe in need's.

*GiftG* '...ham on my plate and gave me, the look, that told me the conversation...' Remove the commas around the look, and maybe change look to Look.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


Final Thoughts ~

The opening chapter did a great job setting up what will follow. You were able to show us how the main character feels and thinks about herself without ever saying outright that she's a spoiled little brat. Keep writing!

*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


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9
9
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
WdC 17th Birthday Bash


*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


First Impression ~

It's amazing how quickly things can spin out of control when you have a house full of boys. As a mother of two sons, I feel for this poor woman who's just trying to get through her interview without interruptions. Right now I'm typing this one handed because my four month old won't let me put him down. Boys are a handful.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


What Works ~

*Cake* This story explores the odd fascination little boys have with being naughty. There's something in little boys that seems to make them want to push boundaries.

*CakeB* One of the things I enjoy about this story is how true it rings. When things go wrong, they never seem to go just a little wrong. When it rains, it pours. The story starts off with the mom having made all her neat plans so that the interview could go well. Then her sister ended up hurting her ankle, requiring her mother to take her to the hospital instead of watching the boys. Okay, no big deal. Her husband would be home in plenty of time to take care of them. Oh no, his tire popped, and he's not going to be able to make it. Then come the bribes. If you boys just be good, you'll get ice cream. Alas, nothing works, and the interview is canceled along with her ability to get the job.

*Cake3* Another thing I enjoyed about this story was the growing anxiety mingled with exasperated love that came through clearly. Each time the boys interrupt in a new way, and you can feel her rising tension, but you can also sense her flustered amusement too.

*CandleB* *CandleG* *CandleO* *CandleP* *CandleR* *CandleV*


What Needs Work ~

*GiftV* The first part of this short story is all dialogue. Mix things up and add in a little scene setting, some action, bring us into the room with them instead of making it feel like we're overhearing a phone conversation. What are the characters doing in the space? What body language cues are they giving each other? What else might be going on in the house that can draw us in? The scent of cookies that were baked that morning? The sound of the neighbor's dog barking (and that silly thing never shuts up)?

*GiftR* 'Flowers were in bloom' What kind of flowers?

*GiftR* Don't forget the rest of our senses. When adding descriptions, what does the room look like, are one of the camera men wearing a smelly cologne? Did she pop a breath mint or something before hand, or is there some other taste you can bring in? What sort of bark does the dog have?

*GiftG* When you edit, make sure to take a look at your parentheses around dialogue. In a couple places you dropped one. Example: “Forgive me, a rattled Beth said.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


Final Thoughts ~

This story is the story of every mother who ends up having to deal with her children unexpectedly. When all the plans fall through and you have to take them with you to the job interview, to the doctor's office, to the meeting with your boss, or to the dentist where you have to have them on your lap while the dentist is trying to fill in that cavity you put off getting filled. You did a great job invoking the frustration and love of all such mothers. Great job!

*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


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10
10
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
WdC 17th Birthday Bash


*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


First Impression ~ The title and first few paragraphs of this essay drew me in because I can sense your frustration bleeding through your words. You offer a lot of good advice and pointers to people who are requesting donations or participation in their activities, and you used this piece to vent a little about the behavior you've seen in the community.

Venting can be a good thing, and I like how you moved this from a blog post to a static item so you can add notes as the years pass. It gives interesting little snapshots of different points in time since the original essay was posted.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


What Works ~

*Cake* This is an important topic because the WdC community relies heavily on participation, be that in the form of reviews, donations, or judging. If people forget to thank the ones who support these activities, then the odds of them supporting in the future go down. That leads to less participation, fewer activities, and fewer reasons for future writers to be interested in the site. While a thank you might seem like a simple thing, one that doesn't matter, it does. I know I feel a spike of happiness when I get a thank you for something I've done for someone else. And I feel bummed out if they don't acknowledge me.

*CakeB* I liked your use of size and formatting in this piece. You were able to draw attention to ideas you wanted to highlight by making them bold and oversized. And the two arrows with the 'crickets' drove home the point you made.

*Cake3* It's easy to allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by anger or bitterness. This piece could easily have turned into a bitter rant about how people have treated you. Instead, while we can sense your upset, it doesn't overwhelm the piece. You don't lose sight of why you are writing, and you provide a lot of great advice.

*CandleB* *CandleG* *CandleO* *CandleP* *CandleR* *CandleV*


What Needs Work ~

*GiftV* Remove the comma before 'at will' in the first line.

*GiftR* I'm not sure if this was a typo or a fun little trick of spell check fixing words without your permission. Under your 4th point, you have: Do not fool around with your thank moos. I'm betting it is a typo, but it did make me smile when I read it.

*GiftG* The lack of formatting for the updates is a little odd looking. I would bold the Post script ... and maybe change the font to match the rest of the piece. Or give each postscript its own font. I don't know. It just feels a little disjointed from the rest of the piece as it is.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


Final Thoughts ~

While it's never fun to write an essay about something like this, I want to thank you for doing so. It's easy to overlook how much others do for us, and get so wrapped up in our own activities that we forget to offer much deserved thank yous to the people who help us out.

This is a great reminder to stop and acknowledge the people who help make WdC possible.

Thank you for all you do!

*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


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11
11
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
WdC 17th Birthday Bash


*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


First Impression ~

The title and description of this piece instantly captured my attention. I love Batman and Joker, and the twist you put into the iconic line hooked me in.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


What Works ~

*Cake* 'A one-man Bruce opposition party.' I absolutely love this line. It so perfectly sums up the Joker in six little words.

*CakeB* I enjoyed the idea that Bruce and Joker went to school together. What works well in this writing is how you play off of Bruce's inherent personality. He isn't a hero, not in the traditional sense. You explored that aspect of his personality and added a dash of psychology to give it extra punch.

*Cake3* The end of this tale came as a surprise, but it's perfect. There's something delicious about Bruce and Joker creating a back room deal to get the sheep of the school to follow along with both their faces of power.

*CandleB* *CandleG* *CandleO* *CandleP* *CandleR* *CandleV*


What Needs Work ~

*GiftV* Since Joker takes that name up later, the first part of the story would flow better if you gave him a real name. I often see him named as Jack in other fanfiction stories that touch on Joker's life before the scars.

*GiftR* 'Tests only tested his patience but his ingenuity pronounced itself in his flair to torment students and teachers alike.' This line is a little bit muddled. Try: Tests not only tried his patience, but inspired his penchant for tormenting both students and teachers alike.

*GiftG* The first couple of paragraphs are telling instead of showing. I would have loved to read the scene where Bruce and Joker fought and Bruce would try to save Vicki instead of having you tell me that Joker was trouble and Bruce played hero only to fail at it because he's too rough. Instead, give us a scene in the classroom, they're taking a test, and Joker is coming up with some plot or another, Bruce foils it, and then move onto Bruce's interactions with Vicki. You don't have to explain to the audience who Joker is, instead give us hints of his personality, his flavor, and let us make the connection.

*GiftV* ‘Is he like a super man or something who either knew the plan from before or gently pushed in the heat of the battle?’ I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here. Maybe try: Who did she think he was, some sort of super man? How could he be gentle in the heat of battle?

*GiftR* ‘That also worked for him really well. He did have a very silent fan-following.’ Change this line to read: That also worked for him. He had a silent fan following as well. Words like really and very can almost always be cut, and your writing will be stronger by removing them.

*PartyHatB* *PartyHatBl* *PartyHatG* *PartyHatO* *PartyHatP* *PartyHatR* *PartyHatV* *PartyHatY*


Final Thoughts ~

This short story takes a look at the younger versions of both Bruce and Joker, before they became infamous. But even as sixth graders, we get clear snapshots of their future personalities, along with a hint of their bond, one that will flash back into life years later when they meet again as adults. I enjoyed the plot of this short story, and would love to read a longer work that focuses on the different scenes, exploring the dynamic of their relationship. Great job, keep writing!

*BalloonB* *ConfettiR* *BalloonG* *ConfettiB* *BalloonO* *ConfettiV* *BalloonP* *ConfettiY* *BalloonR* *ConfettiGR* *BalloonV* *ConfettiR* *BalloonS*


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12
12
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Smafas Author Icon

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This is a mystery interactive where one character is shrunken. The writers of the interactive must participate in figuring out how and why it happened, and perhaps how to bring him back to his normal size.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* This sounds like an interesting interactive, and I think that it can go in a lot of different directions.

         *BurstB* Having two brothers works well in this situation because you have them working off each other to inform the reader of what's going on instead of just one boy looking around or waiting for his friend to appear.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* Remove the comma after hear that? and change its, to It's.

         *BurstG* Try not to use exclamation marks too much, they can become speed bumps to the reading eye.

         *BurstG* In the first chapter, add a little description of the characters and the location.

Thank you,

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13
13
Review of No Easy Way Out  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This short story had the feel of one of the old episodes of The Outer Limits. I could even hear the into music in my head after I finished reading.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* The end was an interesting twist. When it comes to vampire interaction, you don't think a lot about how a childe might feel about their introduction to vampire life.

         *BurstB* The writing style for this piece felt odd at first but by the end, it started flowing nicely.

         *BurstB* This story plays well on the creepy little town idea.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* While the whole town might be odd, you're bringing Susan in from the outside, yet she doesn't appear to have any reaction to the strangeness of the situations she finds herself in. Her reactions, or lack of reaction, made the story hard to believe.

         *BurstG* The first paragraph is pretty bland. Instead of using just description, add inner dialogue and play on the rest of her senses. Instead of saying 'carrying the laptop case' try something like: The new strap of Susan's laptop case bit into her narrow shoulder, but she didn't have time to adjust the strap as she followed Fredrick Morris into her new office. I hope this job works out better than the last, she thought.

         *BurstG* Your story starts with Susan, but ends with Lilly, leaving the readers wondering what happened to Susan. The beginning of the story doesn't seem to fit with the end. Is this a story about a young reporter starting a new job, or a vampire's girlfriend who's love just ate her family?

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

There are a lot of different threads to this story, and I think it would work better as a longer work where you can explore the different plotlines and bring them all to a satisfying resolution.

Thank you,

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14
14
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Joey's Feeling the season! Author Icon,

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This is an interesting exploration into the difficulties of abstinence.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* The end was quite amusing, a great twist to the story.

         *BurstB* I liked the insight the Priest had, and how he was able to see at a glance that they were following the program.

         *BurstB* The story flows well, with a defined beginning, middle and end.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG*Remove the comma after his young wife.

         *BurstG* Remove the comma after said{,} the mother

         *BurstG* change be apart to be a part.


Thank you,

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by Maryann Author Icon
15
15
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

I'm sorry I can't give a little more, but these are all the points I've got. This sounds like a great group, so please keep going.

Thank you,
Noyoki
16
16
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Balloonr* *Balloony* *BalloonB* This Review is for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. 5th Review. *BalloonB* *Balloony* *Balloonr*


Hello Kate - Writing & Reading Author Icon,

*Music1*My Thoughts:

That's different. This is a sci-fi story that is in dire need of a much longer format. There's so much hinted at here that I'm left crying for the whole story.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* I'm not 100% sure what's going on in this story, but it is very amusing none the less.

         *BurstB* The idea of taking someone who's clearly never had any sort of exposure to the outside world and kicking them out into the wild is entertaining. Though, I don't think she'll live long.

         *BurstB* I love the shadows I'm getting of what this story could be. It feels like a whole novel crushed down into 385 words.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* It's too short. You packed so much into this story that I'm not satisfied with the briefness of it. I want to know what happened, how they came to be this way, what the Coders are and everything else.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

This story is intriguing. I think you have the seed of something here, and if you ever feel moved to write a novel, perhaps explore this one a little more? If you ever do, let me know. I'd like to read it.

Thank you,

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by Maryann Author Icon
17
17
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*   "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.   *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*


Hello Mrs. Nixie Clause Author Icon

*MushroomBl*  My Thoughts:

*Laughs* While I read this story, all I could think about was this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K16fG1sDagU. I think you're cat is spirit brothers with this squirrel.

*Bug*  My Favorite Part:

*Burstr* 'charmed everyone with her baby-yuckieness that adults fine precious' excellent line. It captures the sometimes brutal honesty of children, and the perfect tone of teen exasperation at adults.

*Burstr* The chocolate cheese cake does sound amazing. I wouldn't even mind if the top was a bit cracked.

*MushroomBl*  My Suggestions:

*Burstr* I would change 'I wasted a glare at dorky Jason' to 'I wasted a glare on dorky Jason'

*Burstr* One thing I would have liked to see was a bit more of the people's reaction after the cat fiasco. What did your dad think of the whole thing?

*Bug*  Final Thoughts:

I love cats, but I have to admit they do have their demonic moments. Every now and then they seem to lose their fuzzy little minds and become fuzzy little demolition experts. This was a great story of a series of unfortunate events.

Thank you,

~Noyoki

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*Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  *Skull*  
18
18
Review of The sorrow  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Cheri Annemos Author Icon,

*Music1*My Thoughts:

I'm a big fan of flash fiction, and this piece was a perfect example of the art. You wrote it in such a way that the reader is able to create their own back story. We don't know who she lost, or how, or why, but we know that she lost them, and still suffers from the loss.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* You were able to make me feel the cold, and for a moment I stood with her before the marker. I could envision how she fought her own body to pay tribute.

         *BurstB* I thought the tear icicles were a memorable touch.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* You could shave a few words off here: Instead of - No amount of comfort would be accepted in the - try: No amount of comfort could fill the -

Thank you,

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by Maryann Author Icon
19
19
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Angus Author Icon

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This story explores the inner thoughts and feelings of a man walking to his execution.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* Leaving his hands lightly bound helped illustrate the futility of escape and gave the readers an instant understanding of his dire situation.

         *BurstB* I liked that you let him keep his pride. He walked tall, instead of slouching. Great touch.

         *BurstB* Showing that it was a small and friendly town by the construction of the gallows worked well.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* Add a comma here: break free and make a run for it, he wouldn't...

         *BurstG* Watch out for the word that. Most of the time it can be removed without harming the meaning of the sentence. When you see it during edits, try removing it to see if you really needed it. Example: and it smelled so much better than that stuffy cage that he'd...now try" and it smelled so much better than the stuffy cage he'd...

         *BurstG* Use dialogue to show instead of tell. Example, you tell us that the sheriff and his deputy tell the people to move back. Instead, give him a voice. Have him tell them. That will give us his gruff tone, the words he decideds to use, etc.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

This was an interesting story. I would have liked to see the build up to the execution, but even without it, I was able to follow the plot. Great job!

Thank you,

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by Maryann Author Icon
20
20
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Brooke Author Icon,

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This is a delightful collection of encouraging c-notes.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* I like how you added the same boarder to all, making them feel like part of the same group.

         *BurstB* The close up of each flower is striking.

         *BurstB* The font you chose works well for both the photos and the message you created.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* I would change the text color of the Thinking of You with the white flower because the black is a little hard to see.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

I think this is a good collection of feel good messages that anyone would be happy to receive. Thank you for all your hard work!

Thank you,

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by Maryann Author Icon
21
21
Review of Random Quiz  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Squeekachu Author Icon,

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This was a delightfully quirky quiz that was an exploration into madness.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* I loved the complete randomness not only of the questions but the answers.

         *BurstB* I'm glad that this quiz had 20 questions of madness to consider.

         *BurstB* The WTF option was a good out for all the people who were too normal to handle the wackiness of this quiz.

         *BurstB* I love how you included a description of what the results mean. Well done on that!

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* I would have liked to know more about your point system. Though I suppose 0 is the most normal, and 5 is the most insane.

         *BurstG* One small formatting error on question 11 you have an extra line of space between the first and second answers.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

I clicked on this out of curiosity, and I can tell you, I wasn't disappointed. Thank you for sharing your brand of madness with me. It was an excellent adventure.

Thank you,

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22
22
Review of The last act  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello bas Author Icon,

This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.'s *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

*Music1*My Thoughts:

In this story we are faced with the last act of a Joker. We can feel the sorrow as he goes through the paces, still believing in the old line that the show must go on.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

> This was a strong line: " Its only the mask that matters not who is behind." This is one of the sharp truths that can be voiced in fiction. I wonder how many actors and people in the public light feel the same.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

> I would break up this line: Did he laugh behind the mask? Nobody ever know.

> Do the same with the next line: Did any of the acts hurt him? Nobody know, but they all laughed. At him. By separating the lines you're giving more power to each, and highlighting the questions.

> I would change cause it would be his last act to because it would be his last act.

> There are a few edits that need to be made to the following: "It's only the mask that matters, not who is behind it." Its needs an ' for it is, and you need to add the comma. Also, I added it to the end to finish the thought.

> Add a comma here: The show must go on, Jane. Without the comma, the show is on top of Jane. It's sort of like the joke of commas save lives. "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Let's eat, grandpa."

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

It's hard to capture emotion in only 200 words, but I think this story holds sorrow. We feel it in every line. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you,
Noyoki

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23
23
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games Author Icon,

This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.'s *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This is the reverse of many a story where things seem normal then go abnormal at the end. Instead, we start out in the strange and unusual, before shifting back to normal.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

> I love the third paragraph because it just screams 'teenager' as a mother I want to pull my hair out and scream "No that doesn't sound cool at all!" Great way to tap into those instincts and make us cringe with the knowledge that this can't possibly end well.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

> Small edit, you forgot the ending " after raising this demon.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

The end was a curious twist, very unexpected. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you,

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24
24
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello MOSSPIGLET Author Icon,

This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.'s *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

*Music1*My Thoughts:

We enter this story with Selmo in a pretty bad place. It doesn't get any better from there for the poor man.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

> I love the play on the name Friendo who is a great betrayer.

> Using Haw instead of ha was one of those little touches that makes your story stand out.

> Pearly blades is a delightfully unique description of sharp teeth.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

> I would change He had given up to he gave up.

> You use the word but to start two different paragraphs, maybe think of rewording one.

> There's a bit of a question with Cousin Jeremiah. Does he always look demonic? If not, I think you should maybe work in how his features changed from their normal configuration.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

This was a dark, intense story from start to finish. Great job!

Thank you,

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25
25
Review of Forgotten colors  Open in new Window.
Review by Noyoki Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello bas Author Icon


This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.'s *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

*Music1*My Thoughts:

Our dreams always make great fodder for stories. I think this would be a fascinating story that delves into the sleeping mind and explores what our subconscious is capable of.

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

I like the plot of the purposed story. The dream added a good deal of tension because of the two totally different moments you show. First, the joy and happiness of children at play, and then the devastation of the blast.

That the explosion came from the colors themselves adds a chilling sort of depth to the whole thing. It's the feeling that something so innocent shouldn't be able to hurt us and we feel the hurt and betrayal when our simple joy turns to destroy us.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

> The first line is a bit choppy. Maybe try: Nina woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat like she had so many times over the last few weeks.

> The second line is a bit fragmented. Maybe try: It was the same dream. A room filled...

> Small edit: Laughters should be laughter. Also you need a space after the period here: cries for help. The...

> Break up the line starting Everybody want... Try ending this line at the windows are locked. May the next line flow like this: The smoke thickens and the cries get weaker. A few minutes later...

> Add a question mark here: What was she dreaming of? Was it...

> The last line is a little awkward. Maybe try: Join Nina on her quest to decode the dream on a journey that will make her face realities she never could have imagined.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

You have a good setup for a story here. I hope you pursue it sometime. I wouldn't mind following Nina through the tangle of her dreams and out the other side. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you,
Noyoki

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