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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nvellis
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6 Public Reviews Given
9 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Empty Vessel  Open in new Window.
Review by nvellis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for posting this piece on Writing.com. Its very enjoyable and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Your phrasing and word choice pulled me into the story pretty quickly. I was disappointed however that you have no description of either character or the setting. Including some degree of description could add to the already palpable atmosphere of the piece. Maybe the sun light tried to streamed through the hazy window spattered with gobs of clay like clusters of mud daubers nest. Perhaps her eyes sparkle with amazement or her lithe body sways in tune with wheel. Perhaps the potter’s knurled hands relax when they touch the clay, perhaps his taught, stooped form relaxes when he sits down at the wheel. Maybe she is an rich woman, elegantly dressed in contrast to the dusty, muddy potters shed. You get the idea I am sure. So while the piece creates an interesting story further description could make it jump off the page.

I felt some tension building, is perhaps the woman an “Empty Vessel” too. Since the piece is all from the woman’s point of view perhaps you could draw some analogy between the raw clay or the newly created vessel and the woman herself.

These already intriguing characters have the potential to be ultra interesting. Your writing was for memorable for me because there was an air of excitement and anticipation and I want more.... but don't we all?

I thoroughly enjoyed your writing. I hope these comments are helpful. I am a newbie myself and am trying to learn by reading other people’s work Good luck and keep writing. Nick
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Review of Abusing Time  Open in new Window.
Review by nvellis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very interesting idea. I am very new to reviewing so please pardon any gaff. I noticed you are beginning sentences with what I call wasted words. As, first off, so, All of a sudden -are words and phrases I tend to use but as has been pointed out to me by reviewers I could get more action out of a different sentence structure. For example, "I thought freeze and it did." could be "My mind settled on the thought FREEZE and to my amazement the second hand stopped!" now that's just me but.... Describing the setting, maybe his bed, or bedroom, a description of the clock - what it looks like as it changes, maybe it glows when its frozen anything to heighten the mystery could have the effect of drawing the reader further into the story. Setting up a couple situations in the bedroom or outside the bedroom could be fun too. Maybe he finds his old nemesis or the guy who bullied him in school- he freezes time while the guy walks down the street and pulls his pants down while he's frozen and stands back to watch when he unfreezes time. Maybe he could go into a bank freeze time and clear out the teller's drawer. He could have his bitchy lover in bed with him and he could freeze and unfreeze time as he listens to her complain. The possibilities for fun and mischief are endless, could be humorous, tragic, ironic. Its a fun idea.
Anyway those are my two cents worth. I hope my comments are helpful. I enjoyed your story. I hope I will see your writing again soon.
Nick
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