This mouse kind of reminds me of my children who I would like to get rid of. They seem to just keep coming back. I'm kidding. I love poetry which has a tendency to appeal to my whimsical side. Your poetry has a whimsical tone giving me an idea of what your mouse looks like. I was chuckling as this mouse was determined to stay. I enjoyed how the speaker used the determination of the mouse to his advantage.
I believe you could turn this poem into an actual children's story with illustrations. I'm a fan of children's books, and had a children's book published in 2010. If you decide to do this as an option you may have to change some of the word choices into simple language. I would love to see this story in a different format. Keep up your writing and keep the faith.
Are you a new writer, and how old are you? I wanted to get a few facts from you so I know where you are as a writer. You put a valiant effort forth with your story. I want to encourage you to review authors that you like. Take special notice when you read or see dialogue between characters.
A lot of your character dialogues were running together. Each character dialogue starts a new sentence. I'm not sure if this was just an oversight on your part. I would suggest that you go back through your story, and separate your dialogue lines. Your story will flow much more smoothly, and the reader will know who is speaking.
Going back to revise this part of your story would be an advantage to your efforts. This is what one of your sentence dialogues looked like:
So here is how the virus goes you get bit, you get sick, you die and then you wake up lifeless and reanimated. "How many days since he was bit? I ask with a tone of uncertainty. "Two the frightened boy squeaks out."You otta just shoot me now." the man groans out. "Don't be silly grandpa." the boy replies.
This is how it should look:
. "So, here is how the virus goes, you get bit, you get sick, you die, and then you wake up lifeless and reanimated." I said with a tone of uncertainty. "How many days since he was bit?"
"Two days." the frightened boy squeaks out.
"You otta just shoot me now." the man groans out.
"Don't be silly grandpa." the boy replies.
I'm not wanting to tear your efforts apart because I feel you did try. I saw quite a few other issues which I would like to share with you, but I'm cut for time. If you feel I can help, let me know. Keep writing and you will get better.
I would gather you have a ton of stories that stand the test of time. I would love to sit by your side, and hear about your life. Have you written a memoir or anything that details your life? I worked at a nursing home where many of the individuals experienced life as you knew it. Their stories were interesting, mesmerizing, and rich. Did you ever serve in the military, and are you a veteran of WW II? My dad is a veteran of the Vietnam war where he was a Marine. He still prides himself as a Marine, and has a lot of commendations, memorabilia, and insignia shadow boxed.
If you haven't written a memoir yet I would suggest you get that part of your life down. A lot of the individuals at the nursing home had written memoirs that are a testament to their history. I enjoy the fact that those who have tread the paths of life before the present generation gives us the template to consider where we are, who we are, and what we are all about.
Thank you for sharing your story. I don't think the present generation appreciates what they have. Life can be tough in this day and age, but I believe the advantages are bountiful. I'm glad you are still here as an example of what you went through. I hope many can have the opportunity to express their lives in the way that you have experienced. Thank you again.
I almost embarrassed myself at Panera Bread this morning laughing out loud when I read the story twist. I love short stories like this with such a simple plot, humor, mix of emotions, suspense, and easy reading. My brain can't always take deep literary fiction, only sometimes. It's a wonderful short story. By the way, I love me a good, sloppy hot dog. I hope I don't embarrass myself later on when I eat soup as I might be prone to think of this story.
I reviewed your story because you took the time to review my piece, "Winter's Breath." I appreciated your comments. Thank you. Keep writing and much success to your future writing endeavors. Keep the faith.
I guess being content in a world of distress and desolation is a far cry from being sad. I sometimes find myself dreaming in order to escape the realities of life. I know poetry is a platform that allows us to express our inner feelings. I was wondering if you have come upon some hard times in your life. I can sympathize since life hasn't been very kind to me in the past year.
I love poetry whether writing it or reading it and love how the simplicity of the stanzas have such solid thoughts. Keep the faith and keep writing.
I can sympathize with your hair cutting experience since I've been a recipient of such events. I find your story humorous, lighthearted, and easy to read. I was wondering if you are from a foreign country with some of your choice of words, for example: side locks, floated, chap, and bulge which can confuse the reader if they aren't familiar with those terms.
I found a few of your sentences choppy due to grammatical errors which is a minor infraction making your story uninteresting at times. I found a few of the character attributes should be she said or he said, not attributes such as "I roared."
I feel your story ending has more impact if you ended your story with "pulling your comically, haired head into my body." I believe eliminating that last sentence would do wonders to your story.
I would really like to see more dialogue interaction between the protagonist and barber but the facial interactions and body language create strong elements to the characters. I hope you keep writing and take my insights as positive criticism. Keep writing and I hope to see future pieces.
Fantasy isn't one of my favorite genres but this has a whimsical flare that grabs you and makes you hold on for the ride. I have always been a fan of stories that open up with an action sequence since this is what grabs the reader and pulls them in.
I would like to see you describe Muraycia in detail so we can get a feel for what the setting looks like. The essence of laying out the details of the setting brings it to life for the reader. I read two other chapters and didn't see any location details either.
I believe your story can make our imaginations soar into many worlds as your characters embark on their journey. Your story is a great read and I will read the remaining chapters to see how the story progresses.
Keep up the good work.
I enjoyed your inventiveness of implementing the fundamentals to spin an interesting tale. I found the use of the five elements in this piece a great way to keep the reader fixed on each character's interactions. I believe if courses in writing fundamentals were to implement a style such as this, writing wouldn't be a complicated subject for some. I believe a short, animated video of your story would be a great addition to your portfolio that could be added as a resource to school libraries.
Do you have any other allegorical style writing? It would be interesting to see what other spins you have put in your writing. I didn't see any issues that needed any critiques for improvement. I really enjoyed this piece. Keep up your style and I look forward to reading more.
I believe your beginning has a very strong opening with suspenseful dialogue. Starting out with a sequence in the middle of the action always grabs the reader. I liked the descriptive details that you give to your characters which gives us the idea of their personalities. One thing that confused me is if they are in the mindset of enjoying her presence why would they be so forceful in "dragging her to the chair?" I know my last comment may come off as being trite but that line was the only thing I had an issue with. Overall, the piece I believed flowed quite well and I hope to see more of your writing. Keep up the good work.
I enjoyed your story, your characters, the mischief, and the energy that the plot throws out. I have always liked the mystery of abandoned buildings wondering what's on the inside. There's an inquisitive side of us that helps us bond with your characters. I wish I was in the story exploring the dark corners of the "Un House" and seeing what the shadows hold.
I like the last statement, "If you tell, you go to Hell" which puts my imagination into overdrive. I would like to see you continue this story and make it longer. I would find it interesting if the boy had something to do with his friends going missing. It would be an interesting turn of events if he was a disturbed individual to begin with and had planned this all along.
I think your story would be a lot more attention grabbing if you had started the story in the fun house. Opening with the back story of what was discussed in the past about exploring the fun house took away from where the story was heading. I have always been told to start a story right in the middle of the action which gets people interested right away.
I did enjoy the story and I'm intrigued by the last two statements and want to know more. Don't leave us hanging. Write some more cause I want to read more of this character and find out what really happened.
Keep writing, you did a good job.
I agree 100% with your statements and it's a wonderful post. God is good and posting your testimony is an excellent way to share God's love with others. I am a born again Christian who likes to proclaim my love for him since he has done much for me. I know living the Christian life is a tough one since there are a lot of temptations out there. Having faith in God can help us overcome the trials that hinder us from keeping that steady walk. The way the world is heading is making the life of a Christian a tough road to travel. Unfortunately the life of a Christian is subjected to a lot of scrutiny due to people's rejection of our Lord.
I believe living a life fully sold out to God is a fulfilling one in which I learn new things about God every day. I know God is able to direct my paths in a way that I hope people can see my testimony. I try with much prayer to lead a life that is pleasing to God but being human can trip me up. I'm glad God has an avenue of open communication with me. I am positive that if I didn't have God in my life I would be a waste of space but I know God doesn't see me that way.
Living for God has brought me many blessings. Being a Christian has brought me to the life that I lead now and I wouldn't do anything different.
I know that I'm a sinner and love the fact that God died on the cross for me and that my sins are forgiven. I'm glad that life here on earth is just a short stay and that my future is going to be "heavenly." Following the narrow road is what God has prescribed and I will continue to do what He has commanded.
I will see you in heaven someday along with my wife and children and we will sit together and enjoy God's glory. For now, life is full of God's promises that I can look to and share with others. My last thought to you is keep the faith and look to the future.
I enjoy your random thoughts of inquisitiveness and was wondering where your Biblical quotes or stories are coming from? I'm not familiar with a book of the Bible titled Tobias. I do believe God is very sane and a fictional or nonfictional story based off of this theme would bring more intrigue. If you can open up a religious based theme with a thought provoking question like the one presented you will captivate your audience whether they are religious or not.
I'm married and I believe men and women are very different in our personalities and makeup. The realization of the difference between men and women has been debated for years and will continue to be debated. The adversarial theme will always make for great story lines but one thing to remember is that women make the majority of book purchases; therefore, make your female character come out the victor.
I do like the questions you posed and would like to see more and how the theme progresses. Have you figured out what what you are going to do with this piece of writing?
All the best to you in your writing endeavors.
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