Aw! Such a sweet poem! I felt complete reading it. Absolutely beautiful. Just remove the double commas (or comma, full stop) after "middle" and "joy" and you should be fine. Great work!
I think this is the first poem I have read on this site that does not rhyme. Sir, I don't know how you did it, but you marvelously had me all the way through. I agree with main message and had a blast reading the poem. I do have a couple of concerns. One is with the headliner-("Be..skeptical..maintain the..attitude that you do with..things/You..clearly understand"). I was kind of lost with the direction.
The way I see it, your poem is a motivator. It teaches readers to not shy from challenges and to find comfort in failure, with the mindset that the next attempt will yield success. Yet, the headliner comes off as a deterrent of sorts because it tells me to exercise skepticism in all things, even those things that seem clear to me. So I am interested to know what you are trying to convey with the headliner. Is it meant to make me uncomfortable? Am I suppose to take it as a challenge to continue reading on?
The other is with the line- "In fact, do not seem open and willing". The line after it says "Be brave and skeptical" and the line before it says, "Never appear desperate". I had it in my mind that when you say "never appear desperate", you mean "never appear desperate" after experiencing a setback. However, if I am someone who should push on after failing at something, I need to be "open and willing" in order to attempt something new and challenging. So doesn't that go against the call to be "brave and skeptical"?
Other than that, great poem! Keep it up! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Very inquisitive poem of the four seasons. Your choice of turning it into a rhyme made the poem very fun to read. I like how you started almost every stanza focusing on a particular feature a season possesses. It helped me understand the order of the poem- Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter.
But for the life of me, I cannot seem to figure out who/what the onlooker is? At first, I assumed the answer was in the title. Maybe it is a season. However, the last stanza suggested that a season cannot be absent or quiet because it is ongoing. So I switched my attention to a living thing. An owl, a bird or a person. But none of these things leave without a sound, as suggested from the last line of the fourth stanza ("But I wasn't heard"). So I am leaning towards an animal that hibernates. Maybe a bear or a tree? I really would like to know the answer to this great riddle.
I'm quite interested to know who wrote "The Fool"? I actually want to read it now. But I digress. I love this poem. It is short and yet "full". When I say "full", I mean to say that you're use of words like "brimming", "decrepit" and "bold" adds volumes to the reader's imagination. And it takes a certain kind of skill to pull that off. So I give you credit for that. I also love how you make your case of what a fool is. A fool is someone who goes through life without a plan; a fool is someone who chases things that no one has found; a fool is someone who refuses to take in what is already in front of him/her for something that is more difficult to obtain. Those are three upfront examples I could find. I believe there are two more examples you mention. The last one is a little difficult to understand though. Would you mind explaining what "A face to greet me when through" means. Is someone actually waiting to greet this character? Or is this a presumption the fool has in his/her mind that will not happen?
This poem is beautiful, short and bitter-sweet, which works to you're advantage for a couple of reasons. By keeping it short, you minimize the chances of committing grammatical errors. So I don't have the luxury of being grammatically nit-picky (darn it!). Also, by keeping it short you inadvertently (or deliberately) open the door to interpretation of not just each line, but the entire poem as a whole.
The second point, however, can also be seen as a disadvantage. Why? Based on my interpretation, the character seems needy. Very, very needy. And that dependency is what makes the poem lovely, yet bitter. Where I get lost is the direction the poem is going. Are you aiming for "love not reciprocated"?. If you are, then the poem is fine. But if you are looking for something more like "love plagued by circumstance," then I would have liked a little more information. Something along the lines of an action, or one or two conversations where the love interest offers reasons/clues as to why he/she cannot remedy whatever this character is suffering from.
All in all, I don't see anything crucial enough to stop me from giving you full marks. As I said before, the poem is short and beautiful. But please explain to me the circumstances surrounding this character's desperate declaration of love.
This is a nice poem. I was not aware that a poetic form like this existed. Quite ingenious. My favorite part is "A visit to the Mall on Black Friday is always fun". Most definitely is for as long as you remain the onlooker when a brawl breaks out. Horrible time of year, Black Friday. Another thing I liked was the allusion to Christmas past, present and future, which I presume is a reference to A Christmas Carol. Nice touch.
Now let's move on to the syntax structure and grammar. Quite frankly I have nothing to say about grammar. I do have a question about your decision to capitalize "Mall". Is there a specific reason? Is this mall a representation of a mall that holds some significance to you or is it some general mall? I say this because all the other words that contain capital letters are either places, times of year or an indication of the beginning of a line. "Mall" stands out as an anomaly.
At first, I was confused with the poem. I read it a couple of times and even proceeded to write the review. One of my questions I could not answer came from the very first stanza, second line: "We fought our lives". How can one fight against his/her own life? To fight life would be like fighting one's own existence. Then it came to me half-way through writing the review that the reason for this poem is to emphasize on the internal conflict between one's self and one's ego. So the idea is not one fighting against his/her own life, but one fighting against the adversity that comes with living. Hence, the enemies. Hence, the roadblocks. Then everything started to fit. So I don't know if that second line in the first stanza was intentionally phrased as such or it was just a typo, but it was a crucial piece in understanding this poem.
I love the inspirational message that we have the right to choose whether to continue our journey or stop where we stand. I love the argument you made that what we perceive as an enemy is only so because our egos reflect it as so. To find the true enemy, we must find a way to detach ourselves from our egos. I have a problem understanding why you transitioned from "you" to "us" when you said "it pushes YOU up only to knock US down". Is there a deeper meaning to it? Other than that the poem is good. It just took me some time to grasp the poem's general direction.
Fear can only maintain control for so long. Something my best friend would always tell me. Though Joe Marciano was an (I presume to be but please correct me if I'm wrong) Italian who got the really nasty end of a deal, he was able to do something a lot of the hardened criminals in that prison couldn't. Stick up for himself after getting bamboozled once. Those are the kinds of stories I love. The kinds where one man is able to make a difference in a dire situation. I am just happy the main character survived. Sometimes, prisoners like that are not so lucky.
In terms of the story itself, though there were some grammatically errors here and there, they did little to nothing in deterring the message you were trying to portray: a strong conviction to learn from one's mistakes and act from that experience has the power to do more than give a warm, fuzzy feeling. That conviction can affect lives and even attract allies. Beautiful story. It really made my day!
Very lovely story, though a little weird. I feel like I am somewhat dumped in the middle of a plot. I see a girl taking her, what I initially thought of as, boyfriend to a secluded part of the library. But she has never kissed him. Wait a minute. So before that point, they have not been intimate. Why the boldness? Was it because someone spoke to her? What did they say? She doesn't seem like a very adventurous girl. So I want to personally ask you, what is the deal? I guess it is the cliffhanger that makes this story fun. So please, write more or at least answer my question. Other than that, I love the story. 5/5.
You can tell a story is good when someone like me can afford to read all the way to the end and not give as much as a sigh. No grammar mistakes. No problems with the diction. Each word did its job by either conveying an emotion or providing a visual, without messing up my line of thought. I am just really annoyed as to how this poor girl can have such a self-absorbed friend. But I guess both characters are feeding off of each others aura. Lu likes to hang around Allison either because of her confidence, her company or both and Allison loves to have someone who is willing to listen to her every word with little complaints. Though, I am not quite sure Lu's complaints will have much effect on Allison's ego. Would love to read more of this story.
Wow! I can't lie, I was caught off-guard because of how brief the poem is. There isn't much to say. I get the symbolism of teachers being the lit candles that help spread whatever they do to others so others too can shine. However, because of the brevity, I do not have a sense of what that light is. Is it knowledge in terms of wisdom or learning material? Is it hope for the future of a nation? I didn't quite get that. So I would have preferred it if I could get a couple more lines of poetry, better explaining why/how teachers are so important. Otherwise, I cannot really feel what your feeling, even though I agree with you that teachers are very important in prepping the minds of a new generation.
Outside of that, I have no problem with the grammar or anything else.
Honestly, I wasn't even looking at the rhyming structure. Had you not told me, I would never have caught it. Thank you. Anyway, back to the poem. I loved how this sad piece started off with the main character questioning the state of his/her relationship. "Why did you...?", "Is there...?", "Then did you....?". For me, the questions brought forth information at a steady pace to help me understand the character's situation. What sort of stumped me the first time I read this poem was the fifth stanza that started by referring to the darkness. "Darkens falls on me...". At first, I thought that the main character was referring to his/her surroundings--like the actually darkness, as in the beginning of night (which would symbolize a shift in attention). But after reading that section again, I guess it could be seen either as physical or psychological darkness. Though I assume you were alluding to the latter--psychological darkness. Either way, at this point, I was sort of worried that the main character might commit suicide. I guess that's the light at the end of the tunnel--the fact that the main character chose to move on.
Nice poem. Seeing no grammar mistakes is always a plus. Very sad how the relationship ended but I most prefer this ending. Love for someone who no more loves you is not worth dying for.
I did not understand the story at first, but I started to get the idea near the end. I am going out on a limb here but I think this person is some kind of terrorist. Or potential terrorist with a change of heart. I am hesitant to say that he is a suicide bomber, even though a bomb is strapped to his chest. Interesting how it fits with current events. Anyway, to the story itself. I loved how it ended on a somewhat mysterious, yet positive note. However, I am itching to know who put this man up to the task. Was it his boss? Was it someone outside of his profession? You really kept me at a heightened sense of suspense to the very end. I liked it for the most part. One thing I want to comment on. At the beginning, you were talking about a "haul" that this person's bosses had "managed." What did you mean? Is this person part of the bank? Is it whole bank a ploy to lure victims? Because at first, it sounded like the people described in this story (mother, child,etc.) were in some sort of concentration camp. I guess that's the part that made the story a little confusing.
I admit, I don't know how to respond to this poem. Its style is unconventional. It feels more like a prose than a poem. However, that is not the reason why I find myself lost for words. I guess, the way it is phrased, there are so many things happening at once. I am rushed with so many emotions--excitement, apprehension, regret and a sense of resolve. And to add onto that, I am seeing the character with the phone next to his or her ear, trying to muster up the courage to speak while on the other end, the recipient of this obsession is trying to make sense of the situation. It is all too real. I like it!
Based on what you've mentioned in your overview, this story has infinite possibilities. Introductions do tend to be rather dry, but they serve to introduce the characters and set up a platform to which the story can jump off from and take off. You're introduction fits that bill. You've established some of the characters that will someone contribute in the story's outcome (my guess is, more characters will come in your later entries). Also I am surprised that in a relatively short introduction, you've brought quite a bit of mystery. I applaud you. "What kind of bug bit Samuel?", "What was injected into Samuel to cause such symptoms like pain, nausea and fainting?", "Who sent it?", "How will this event affect Samuel's friends?" All these questions, I believe, make for a rather interesting development. Now I know you probably hate this part of the critic, but I will have to cover grammar. You have a bit of grammatical mistakes in this entry that are major enough to disrupt the flow of thought. And seeing how I'm so engaged in what you have written so far, when I have to stop and repeat a sentence to understand what you're trying to say, it's rather annoying. That being said, if you can find someone to proofread your work, it would help quite a bit. However, I will concede that the way you end this entry makes me wanting more and that technically is the second most important objective of an author, outside of establishing some kind of link with your audience as a means of communicating an idea or emotion.
Aww! This would have been a wonderful Valentine's Day card or at least one of those "Please Forgive Me" cards. There is nothing so emotionally riveting as that of a lover who is unable to convey his/her feelings to the one he/she loves. I'm guessing this person once shared an interpersonal relationship with the man/woman that he/she is trying to woe back. Somewhere along the way, the person decided to let this poor soul go. Very, very sad yet very beautiful. But I am not quite finished. I loved the content. What made me flinch (just a little) was that extra "from." It was only one mistake, but it was at a very crucial point where I saw that the person in question begging for this poor soul to leave him/her alone. That is such a "buttermilk" point, like choosing and positioning the icing on a cake. Just one blotch can make the cake more aesthetically pleasing or an utter wreck. However, if you were a baker, I would still hire you because that last stanza sealed the deal. "Such a love as this!" Oh, what a lovely ending!
Oh the beauty of the dictionary. I won't feign ignorance, I did have to read this poem a few times. First word that came to mind once I began to pick up on the content was "reverence." You really get the sense that you are witnessing the stages of creation. Well, based on the poem, I feel like I'm traveling through a celestial wormhole. First, I see God making the universe, then I see the universe, then I see the universe from Earth, now I realize that I'm on Earth. I look at the ground, see rocks, see bacteria then I'm thrown into a view of the stars again through the eyes of a little girl. It seems like every progression brought by the mentioning of the word "Still" throws me into another image. And the fact that "Still" ends this poem brings about that sense that God's work isn't done yet. Good for the soul, this poem is. There is so much room for interpretation.
It's very angry but I like the unconventional way it's written. It's one of those poems that don't rhyme, but it's still awesome. Just curious, is this guy a lying fisherman, a con artist or just a compulsive liar? I guess that's what makes this poem all the more interesting.
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