\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oldmans
Review Requests: ON
35 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
<   1  2   >
1
1
Review of four lettered  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
unwritten Author IconMail Icon, I really love the concept your poem "four lettered" Open in new Window.. You use "four-letter words" to anchor each stage of the relationship - Hate, Hope, Like, Love - creates a strong rhythm. The transition from the "bouquet of knives" to the "stale, rotting" ending feels very authentic and raw.

You should consider the following however (in reference):

Changing "we forbidded" to "we forbade" (the past tense of forbid).

In the fourth stanza, "we stoked the flames of more" is the standard English phrasing for that metaphor.

Adding a few commas in the "no no fine okay" section might help the reader feel the "staccato" or panicked pace of that moment.

The word "yesternight" is very old-fashioned (archaic). If you desire a modern feel to match the lowercase "phone" style, you might consider "last night," though "yesternight" does have a certain poetic charm.

Your poem is a very raw, honest poem. You definitely have a talent for capturing that "stolen dream" feeling.

Write On!


First signature. R.O.A.R. Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Harvest Moon  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
"Harvest Moon" Open in new Window. is a thoughtful, evocative piece that balances the physical imagery of a night landscape with the internal landscape of human experience.


Choosing the title "Harvest Moon" is a bold move because of its strong cultural associations - most notably, Neil Youngā€™s iconic song.
While Youngā€™s song is a gentle, romantic folk ballad centered on a relationship, This poem feels more monumental and existential.
Elizjohn has successfully reclaimed the title, though, for his own purposes. However, because the song is so ubiquitous, a reader might initially expect a moon dance vibe. His poem quickly corrects this expectation by moving toward a more stoic, structural metaphor (the spine). It works, but be aware that the shadow of the song will always linger for many readers.


The opening stanza sets a vivid scene. The choice of mustard glow is particularly effective; it avoids the clichƩs of silver or white and gives the moon a thick, atmospheric texture that fits the harvest theme.


elizjohn Author IconMail Icon has crafted a poem that feels both ancient and fresh. The transition from the moon as an object (lantern) to a structural necessity (spine) is a sophisticated poetic turn. It moves the reader from "looking at" the moon to "leaning on" it.
The "spine" metaphor is a brilliant way to describe the reliability of seasonal cycles.


Thank you, elizjohn, ā­ā­ā­ā­ā­

R.O.A.R. Signature First signature.
3
3
Review of Iron Paper  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Iron Paper" Open in new Window. is a striking piece of poetry. Created by cheshire Author IconMail Icon "Iron Paper" successfully navigates the transition from abstract meditation to concrete action, offering a grounded take on the power of mindfulness and writing.

The poet has a keen sense of how to use contrast-specifically the juxtaposition of "turbulent seas" against "iron words." This creates a feeling of stability that is very resonant for the reader. The final line, "Thoughts on a paper of iron shape the heart" is a powerful aphorism that leaves a lasting impression.


Cheshire has a natural ability to take internal, psychological shifts and make them feel like physical transformations. It is a sophisticated way to describe the healing process.



R.O.A.R. Signature First signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Alchemy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Alchemy" Open in new Window. is a vibrant and sensory piece of writing. Ra M Author IconMail Icon has managed to balance the high stakes of cosmic imagery with the grounded, tactile details of a physical encounter.ā­ā­

The poem is great as it uses different senses to describe a single feeling.


There is a musicality in it that create a sense of tension and release that mirror the subject matter.

It moves it away from generic romantic tropes and gives the speaker a distinct voice and background.

My favorite line is "as you turn my scars into stars / find galaxies beneath my skin.ā€

The poem lives up to its title by transforming the idea of past trauma into something beautiful.ā­ā­

Alchemy is a lush, unapologetic celebration of the body. It captures that rare moment where physical desire and emotional safety overlap. It doesnā€™t shy away from being spent or half-made, which gives it an authentic, human finish. šŸ‘


R.O.A.R. Signature First signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautifully resonant piece of flash fiction, penned by Hareem Author IconMail Icon . Youā€™ve managed to capture a profound emotional shift in just a few hundred words with
 The Letter She Never Read. Open in new Window. (E)
When she let her subconscious do it's job.
#2352088 by Hareem Author IconMail Icon


The symbolism and imagery work well.
The pacing is very good.
By choosing not to read the letter the author moves away from clichƩ towards a more real message about self-reliance.


The prose avoids over explaining.


There is a deep maturity in this writing. Hareem highlighted a vital truth: Closure is something we give ourselves, not something we receive from others.
Well done


ā­ā­ā­ā­ā­from this reader!



R.O.A.R. Signature First signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an awesome idea elizjohn! You truly are a trailblazer. I need to promote my book too. Books are hard to sell these days when folks like to share and there is electronic reading. I wish you the best of luck with 'The Bones In The Garden'
See you around,
Luna
7
7
Review of Timeless  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"Timeless" Open in new Window. is a lyrical exploration of romantic suspension, focusing on the desire to transcend the linear passage of time through emotional intimacy. Penned by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon it is a beautiful piece of minimalist verse. Elizjohn2000 managed to capture a complex, metaphysical conceptā€”the elasticity of timeā€”and ground it in a deeply personal, human connection. The ending is particularly resonant and provides a satisfying emotional payoff.



R.O.A.R. Signature Image #2350971 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"I Still Catch Glimpses" Open in new Window. penned by elizjohn Author IconMail Icon is a poignant and atmospheric piece. It successfully navigates the challenge of required word prompts by integrating the terms so naturally that they feel essential to the poemā€™s emotional arc rather than forced additions.

Elizjohn might take a look at a few areas. The phrase "reverberating through remembrance" is quite heavy on the "R" sounds. While it mimics an echo, itā€™s a bit of a tongue-twister compared to the fluid grace of the opening lines.
The poem uses colons and semicolons effectively, but the transition between "walls of my mind" and "The voice of you" feels a little abrupt. A small adjustment in punctuation or a line break could help the "echo" resonate more clearly.

This poem manages to take the theme of a "lost love" and make it feel relative to touch through the choice of vocabulary. The bolded words don't just sit on the page; they build a physical space - a hallway of mirrors and shadows - that the reader can inhabit.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Solar rider  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Solar rider" Open in new Window. is a powerful piece of writing creatively penned by Anastasia Browne Author IconMail Icon because it carries a sense of resiliance both cinematic and deeply personal. The transition from the external heat of the sun to the "fire inside" was done beautifully so to illustrate that true strength often comes from within when everything else is stripped away. Itā€™s an incredibly encouraging anthem for anyone pushing through their own "furnace trail."

The poem primarily utilizes a driving, rhythmic meter that mimics the steady, relentless pace of a journey (Journry of the Solar Rider) it creates a galloping sensation and that's real cool. Anastasia is a wonderful poet.


Solar rider is a stirring tribute to the human spirit!


R.O.A.R. Signature Image #2350971 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Serpent lies...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Serpent lies..." Open in new Window. is a powerful, evocative piece of writing that leans heavily into the traditions of Gnostic poetry and spiritual warfare. It feels less like a simple poem and more like a "battle hymn" for the soul.
Below is a review of your work Perhaps Author IconMail Icon
~~~~~~~~~

"Serpent Lies..." is a visceral exploration of cosmic displacement. It captures the ā€œexistential homesickness" of the human condition, portraying the physical world (and specifically the moon) as a deceptive construct. The rhythmic repetition creates a ritualistic, incantatory ā€˜feelā€™ that pulls the reader into a state of defiance. And that's my overall impression.

From abstract to real the imagery is visceral. Nice!

The theme is consistent.


You might take a look at the word frequency. Is it the right word? A too modern term?

This poem is about empowerment, a cool choice in my opinion.




First signature. Image #2325341 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Brad's Fort  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Starmic Suebear Author IconMail Icon your poem "Brad's Fort" Open in new Window. is a curious piece of dark fantasy that blends traditional medieval tropes like knights, gargoyles and castles with jarring, modern imagery as in basketball. It feels like a dreamscape.
I think you need to know something of your rhyming
The poem primarily follows an AABB for the couplet structure, though it is executed with varying degrees of precision.

In Stanza 1 you use a "slant" or near-rhyme castle/full, followed by a true rhyme, year/tear.
Stanza 2 uses a slant rhyme alive/thrive and a true rhyme songs/wrongs).
Stanza 3 Shifts to an ABCB or AABB hybrid. Room does not have a partner, but beat/sheet/neat creates a triple rhyme that accelerates the reading pace.
Stanza 4 Returns to true rhymes head/dead and fort/court.
The shift in Stanza 3 breaks the established pattern, which mirrors the shift in content toward more visceral, the gothic horror imagery blood-drinking.

Your poem does not adhere to a strict classical meter (like Iambic Pentameter). Instead, it uses a loose tetrameter or four beats per line, but the syllable count fluctuates significantly so I think to say, a sort of free form (my opinion).

The rhythm feels nursery rhyme-like but slightly off-kilter. This broken cadence contributes to the unsettling atmosphere of the poem. It reads like a folk chant or a legend that has been slightly distorted over time.
The poem establishes a world defined by a conflict between Brad's Fort and the Damyans.

I should make note on the inclusion of basketball in a setting with priests and knights is a deliberate anachronism. It forces the reader to question if this is a literal medieval setting or a metaphorical fort in a modern or surreal context.

Overall and a final opinion here from this review is that you have created a strange little poem but with some effort into the construction but you need to continue working on this poem.

BTW I could not write SiFi or Horror at all so Kudos to you Starmic Suebear Author IconMail Icon

First signature. Image #2325341 over display limit. -?-
12
12
Review of Testing  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think that you are off to a great start here Amethyst Snow Angel Author IconMail Icon with your Port! Reaching out like this, creating this page is wonderful: You have among the best of the best working with you.

I myself like to find items like this (no ratings) fast because these (those) are most likely challanging to me. You have the world at your disposal. You are doing a great job thus far.
Thank you!
Best,

First signature. Image #2325341 over display limit. -?-
13
13
Review of Start small  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
 
STATIC
Start small Open in new Window. (E)
Friends, here is an essay to uplift a writer's spirit. Thanks.
#2351272 by The Uplifting Essayist Author IconMail Icon
This is a brilliantly simple and necessary reminder composed by The Uplifting Essayist Author IconMail Icon

He has perfectly captured the psychological physics of motivation: when the task is so tiny, the mind puts down its resistance like a fussy toddler finally seeing the small, appealing toy instead of the overwhelming mountain of blocks. ā­ā­ā­ā­ā­

I'm starting my novel tonight... I just need one sentence! (It will probably be, "The cat looked at the mouse and sighed.")

Thank you for the uplifting advice, Essayist! Stay blessed!


First signature. Image #2325341 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of Contest Prizes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Max Griffin šŸ³ļøā€šŸŒˆ Author IconMail Icon is some kind of genous because I am horrible with math and there is a lot to be considered with the Prize listings of the article
 
STATIC
Contest Prizes Open in new Window. (E)
Contest Prizes
#2302589 by Max Griffin šŸ³ļøā€šŸŒˆ Author IconMail Icon


So, here we go!

The prize structure is clearly detailed, separating the guaranteed prizes from the variable ones dependent on fees and donations.

The top three entries are guaranteed an Awardicon and a Merit Badge, with all associated costs covered by the contest sponsors directly, ensuring these specific awards are independent of the funds raised.

The core of the financial prizes and charitable contribution relies on the total collected entry fees and donations, which are divided as follows:
50% goes directly to the charity: RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group.
5% is allocated for guest judges on a pro rata basis.
45% is allocated for the top three entries as a cash prize pool.
The 45% prize pool is divided into ten equal shares** among the top three winners:
1st Place: 5 shares (50% of the 45% pool, or 22.5% of the total fees/donations).
2nd Place: 3 shares (30% of the 45% pool, or 13.5% of the total fees/donations).
3rd Place: 2 shares (20% of the 45% pool, or 9% of the total fees/donations).

A crucial point is the explicit statement that neither of the contest sponsors (1,328) nor (842), nor their associated groups, will accept or receive any portion of the entry fees or donations. This enhances the transparency and integrity of the contest's financial handling, ensuring the funds directly benefit the charity and the participants.

In summary, the structure is designed to heavily favor the charitable contribution (50%), while still offering attractive tiered cash prizes and guaranteed prestige awards for the top three performers.

This article is certainly deserving of:
 ā­ā­ā­ā­ā­

First signature. Image #2325341 over display limit. -?-
15
15
Review of Such Is life  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review of a contest entry penned by Jacky Author IconMail Icon

This is a charming piece of flash fiction called "Such Is life" Open in new Window.
I am not a judge for this contest entry however the site hoped for me to review it.
Jacky tells a complete story with a satisfying arc within a very small word count.


The components I liked were:

Effective title.
The characters voice and internal monologue are clear.
There is a strong conflict with a hook.
The turning point is charming: From would be danger to whimsical chance.


Places where Jacky should consider if the words and how they construct are right.


The action feels slowed a bit at the crucial turning point.

The main character automatically assumed it was a crook trying to rob her (that did not feel right)

It is unwise to use unnecessary words in flash. Flash fiction relies on trimming every extra word. The author writes, ā€œIt was a manā€™s voice" but the next line confirms that with dialogue and context.

Reading off the get go I was a bit confused by the doctor threatening her, (With violence?)

All considered I do believe that this piece is a successful example of flash fiction. It uses a concise structure to deliver a complete, heartwarming narrative. Itā€™s strongest and most impactful point is when the crook turns into a savior.

Best of luck to Jacky


First signature. Image #2325341 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review of Wanderlust  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Koyel~writing again Author IconMail Icon here is an honest rather indepth comment mon your poem, "Wanderlust" Open in new Window.

This poem beautifully captures the powerful, visceral feelings associated with the urge to travel and explore, or wanderlust.

The poem employs a rich collection of sensory imagesā€”steep terrains, lush green plains, the fresh smells of tea-gardens, fleecy snowflakes, dense forests, and mighty sea waves. This strong imagery makes the landscape feel alive and immediately accessible to the reader.

The central strength is the poem's structure, which explicitly links a natural feature to a strong emotion ("propel me to a realm of a mystical world," "drive me to a kingdom of happiness," "make me feel scared"). This creates a compelling emotional map of the traveler's experience, showcasing that wanderlust is not just about places, but about feelings.
It successfully navigates a full spectrum of emotions, from the positive (delight, rejuvenation, celestial bliss, happiness) to the challenging (bewildered, scared). This honesty makes the experience feel authentic and complex.

The repetitive structure ("Your [Adjective] [Noun] make/drive/lift me...") is effective in emphasizing the cause-and-effect relationship between nature and feeling, but it can make the poem feel a bit like a list. Varying the sentence structure, line length, or rhythmic pattern might add more dynamic flow and surprise.
While the images are good, some of the resulting emotional phrases are a bit broad ("a kingdom of happiness," "celestial bliss"). Making the descriptions of the feeling as specific as the descriptions of the place could elevate the poem. For example, instead of "feel drowned in celestial bliss," perhaps a more unique expression of that spiritual feeling.

The final line, "I blindly follow your footprints," is a powerful and committed declaration of surrender to the call of travel. However, it feels slightly disconnected from the previous lines, which are all two-part observations. You might consider an ending that ties back more directly to one of the earlier emotions or images for a stronger sense of closure.

Overall, Wanderlust is a heartfelt and evocative piece that successfully conveys the thrill and complexity of travel. It is a strong piece of emotional writing.


First signature.
17
17
Review of A Spy's Report  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
"A Spy's Report" Open in new Window. has a strong, imaginative core that clearly aligns with the Starmic Suebear Author IconMail Icon interests in sci-fi/fantasy. It successfully uses a ballad-like, four-line stanza structure with a simple AABB rhyme scheme, giving it a memorable, almost nursery-rhyme quality that makes the fantastical elements pop.

Words like "traa" are excellent, but the simple rhyming often leads to generic phrasing (e.g., "of some kind"). Consider a few more specific, sci-fi/fantasy words, they could enrich the descriptions further.

This is an excellent foundation for a fantasy piece. Starmic has a knack for creating vivid, peculiar, and memorable images. To elevate the poem, Starmic should refine the meter for a smoother read and reconsider the potentially problematic stereotype in the second stanza, ensuring the spy's observations are as strategic as the actions at the end.
18
18
Review of Excuse my French  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is very witty and relatable, it perfectly captures the frustrations of offering honest critiques in a creative community! The title's apology for 'French' sets a wonderfully sardonic tone right from the start.

A Relatable and Sharp Observation
This piece is brilliant, and I genuinely laughed out loud at the closing lines! Samm has perfectly articulated a feeling that anyone who has spent time reviewing or judging creative workā€”especially poetryā€”can immediately connect with.

The structure is tight and punchy, almost like a series of epigrams or short, sharp truths. The use of the athletic metaphor in the middle stanza ("Don't think that by / Walking your feet, / You will qualify / To be called athlete") is particularly effective. It delivers the poem's core argument with a fantastic blend of humor and undeniable logic.

Itā€™s clear that Samm's passion for good writing is what drives the frustration. The exasperation is palpable, and the final flourish about "William Shakespeare" is a fantastic, cutting conclusion. It's great to see Samm's insightful voice back, even if it's lamenting the state of things!
Keep writing!

First signature.
19
19
Review of Paradise  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This poem is deeply introspective and emotionally charged.
It is a powerful expression of inner struggle, disillusionment, and a fragile hope. It moves from a state of emotional withdrawal and disappointment to a final, hopeful vision of "paradise."

The poem employs several poetic devices to create its emotional texture and rhythm.

Alliteration: The subtle repetition adds a gentle flow and rhythm to the lines.
Rhythm/Meter: The poem generally uses short lines (mostly 6-8 syllables) and a relatively consistent AABB rhyme scheme (with some slant rhymes). This structure provides a sense of formality, but the content often subverts it, creating an effective tension between control and chaos.
Imagery: I curl into a little ball" is a strong kinesthetic image of withdrawal and vulnerability. "Quivering lips and anxious eyes" is a sharp visual of distress.
Metaphor/Abstraction: The idea that "Friends are disappointingly small" functions as a metaphor for the speaker's isolation or a feeling that others cannot measure up to their needs. "All the fear and none of the shame" acts as a statement of a desired, idealized mental state.
Slant/Sight Rhyme "ball/stay" (Stanza 1) and "will/kind" (Stanza 4 - if read quickly). These imperfect rhymes prevent the poem from sounding overly singsong, lending it a serious, melancholic tone.

Some areas for improvement
Rhyme Scheme Consistency: The poem starts with AABB (ball/away/shame/stay) but then shifts in the second half. Stanza 2 is AABB, Stanza 3 is AABB, but Stanza 4 is not (will/kind/hope/paradise). The inconsistency in the final stanza can disrupt the established rhythm just as the poem attempts to reach its emotional climax.
ClichƩs: "Tears of joy and tears of relief" is a common, well-worn phrase. While contextually appropriate, it lacks the fresh, specific imagery found in other parts of the poem.
Word Choice: "Disappointingly small" is a somewhat pedestrian choice for describing friends. A more evocative or figurative phrase might better capture the depth of the speaker's disillusionment.

The poem is structured as an emotional journey in four stages:
Stanza 1: Withdrawal and Desire
The logic is one of escape. The speaker physically retreats ("I curl into a little ball") and wishes away negative feelings, specifically craving the absence of shame. The image of "Dry eyes that wouldn't stay" is slightly ambiguous, perhaps meaning eyes that refuse to cry but also won't stay closed to the world, suggesting a failed attempt at emotional control.
Stanza 2: Disillusionment and Isolation
This stanza logically follows the first by addressing the external worldā€”specifically friends. The speaker feels let down because their friends offer "truth" (perhaps cold reality or unsolicited advice) when the author only needed simple, emotional support ("an upbeat smile"). This reinforces the theme of isolation: no one could truly connect or "see their way" to help.

Stanza 3: Anxiety and Waiting
The logic shifts to anticipation and defense. The collective pronouns ("We ache," "hold our breath") broaden the scope from the isolated "I" to a shared human struggle. The defenses and holding breath suggest a long wait for a crisis to pass or a favorable outcome ("word of a reprieve"). The emotional paradox of waiting ends with the release of Tears of joy and tears of relief, marking a turning point, even if the source of the relief is yet to be named.

Stanza 4: Revelation and Hope
This is the logical climax and resolution. The "break" in the voice and will signifies a complete surrenderā€”the defenses from Stanza 3 have failed or crumbled. The introduction of "Special knowledge" hints at a transformative, perhaps painful realization that forces a change in perspective. The final two lines tie all the previous struggle together: the emotional breaking leads directly to a "new-found hope," which is not just personal but a grand vision: A hope for the world, paradise. The internal logic suggests that true hope and the concept of 'paradise' can only be found after the individual has been broken and stripped bare of their defenses and disillusionment.

To sum it all up
"Paradise" is a successful poem because its emotional logic is clear and compelling, guiding the reader through vulnerability, disappointment, anxiety, and eventual hope. Its use of strong imagery and consistent rhythmic flow in the first three stanzas effectively conveys the speaker's pain. While some minor inconsistencies in the final stanza's rhyme and a few common phrases slightly lessen its impact, the poem's overall effect is moving and thought-provoking.


First signature.
20
20
Rated: E | (5.0)
Here is a critique on this powerful and thought-provoking poem called "A Villian's Last Line" by N.R.Nora.

Thematic Depth and Subversion of Tropes
The poem excels in its deep exploration of moral ambiguity and its masterful subversion of the classic hero-villain dynamic.

Deconstructing Villainy: The core strength lies in its humanization of the villain. Nora isn't evil for evil's sake but is framed as a creature of circumstance and despair, using vivid metaphors:
"deadly virus, not knowing I was dead inside": This immediately shifts the perspective from a biological threat to a spiritual/emotional void.
"fed on others, not knowing i was just trying to survive": This suggests the villain's "evil" acts were primal, desperate attempts at self-preservation, blurring the line between predator and victim.
Challenging Heroism: The poem critically examines the "hero" (the "antidote") and, more profoundly, the society that creates and celebrates him. The villain's observationā€”that the hero would be "discarded him as a failed tool" if he lostā€”exposes the hypocrisy and transactional nature of public morality. The hero is not seen as inherently good, but as a weapon wielded by a fickle, self-serving public.

Voice, Imagery, and Metaphor
Nora uses striking imagery and consistent metaphors to create a potent emotional landscape.
The Fire/Ice Metaphor: This is the most effective and recurring device.
Villain (Cold/Death): "dead inside," "cold with only the smoke of embers inside me," "a deadly virus to cling to a corpse." This imagery establishes the villain as a hollow, dying entity.
Hero (Fire/Life): "the life burning inside him," "the burning fire of life inside the hero." This symbolizes potential, vitality, and true humanity. The villain's final act is to protect this fire.
The Paradoxical Sacrifice: The act of the villain choosing to die to save the hero's life is a powerful subversion. It elevates the villain to a figure of tragic, selfless action, contrasting sharply with the "hypocrites" who only cheer for their own safety.
Final Metaphor - The Extinguishing River: The concluding image is haunting: "his death released a river that would forever extinguishes that fire." This suggests the weight of the villain's suicide, and the moral complexities surrounding it, will destroy the hero's spirit (his "burning fire") more effectively than any physical fight. The hero "lost the battle" because he gained the victory at the cost of his own soul/hope.

Structure and Tone
The structure helps amplify the emotional journey.

Two Stanzas, Two Movements:
First Stanza (Internal Monologue): Focuses on justification and rationale. It's introspective, explaining the villain's motives and observations about the surrounding world (the hypocrisy). It builds up to the decision to sacrifice.
Second Stanza (Reflection and Condemnation): Shifts to a more rhetorical and critical tone. It challenges the entire premise of the victory through a series of piercing questions ("Was it worth seeing the flicker of fear..."). This section delivers the final, devastating thematic punch: the true cost of "victory."

Tone: The overall tone is one of bitter resignation, profound disillusionment, and tragic nobility. The language is direct and unadorned, which lends a sense of honesty and finality to the villain's confession.

Potential Areas for Refinement (Minor)

While strong, a few minor elements could be polished for an even greater impact:
Rhythm/Pacing: The poem is prose-like, which fits the voice of a final confession, but the rhythm is occasionally halting. For example, the line "They sent a hero--the antidote they found--to kill me" is slightly cumbersome. Given the depth of the ideas, this is a very minor point.
The Hero's Internal State: The poem focuses almost entirely on the villain's perception and the public's perception. While the final lines imply the hero's future trauma ("haunted by those lifeless eyes"), the hero remains largely a symbol ("the antidote," "a failed tool") rather than a fully realized character. This is necessary for the theme, but it leaves the reader to fill in the blanks about the hero's specific psychological cost.

Conclusion

"A Villian's Last Line" is an excellent, mature piece of writing. It succeeds by using the familiar archetypes of "hero" and "villain" as vessels to explore complex, adult themes of societal judgment, self-worth, and the crushing weight of existential despair. The villain's choice is not a surrender to the hero but a final, defiant act of moral superiorityā€”a gift of life given by a person who has already decided life is not worth living. The poemā€™s final conclusionā€”that the victory of the hero resulted in the death of his soulā€”is a powerful and memorable twist.


L-2 i (I)
21
21
Review of One side  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is a poignant and emotionally resonant poem, Samm. The title, "One Side," perfectly captures the central theme of unrequited love and unequal emotional investment, which is skillfully carried through the stanzas.

Here are some points of interest

Emotional Honesty: The poem's strength lies in its raw and direct emotional honesty. The speaker is fully aware of the situation and acknowledges the other person's detachment ("Cold, are your feelings / When I touch you," "There is a shadow, / Of someone else, / Inside your eyes"). This self-awareness prevents the poem from feeling like a complaint and instead makes it feel like a painful, yet mature, acceptance.

Contrasting Imagery: The use of contrasting, sensory details is effective:
It is a feeling, / Not a show" emphasizes the speaker's genuine depth of emotion versus a performance.
"Cold, are your feelings" and "Dry, are your lips" create a stark, physical representation of the emotional distance.

The Sacrifice of Friendship: The concluding stanzas, where the speaker promises to "always, / Stay your friend" despite the deep, constant love ("I know, always / Will love you, so"), provide a powerful and heartbreaking resolution. It highlights the depth of your penned devotionā€”a love so complete it can endure even in a non-romantic role.

Rhythm and Simplicity: The consistent structure and simple, direct language make the feelings accessible and immediately relatable. The rhythm contributes to the poem's melancholic, almost resigned tone.

Overall, the poem is a powerful expression of selfless, enduring love that accepts the pain of being only one side of the emotional coin.

First signature.
22
22
Review of Sunflower  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A strikingly atmospheric poem


It was very much enjoyed especially how Conrad used the imagery of wilting flowers and failing nature to mirror the vampire's sense of desperation and permanence. The lines, "The petals taste the static air impervious to natureā€™s fare" and "transmitting an uneasy blossomā€™s fume, the bulbous bush squirts one last day," create a powerful sense of decay that makes the final declarationā€”"Deaths upon deaths remains my vocational station"ā€”feel particularly cold and compelling. It sets a fantastic tone for a vampire weekend!

First signature.
23
23
Review of 25th of December!  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Hrafnar here is a review I put together for you.
Thanks for sharing.

1. The Historical Reference (The "Hook")
The opening lines,
"Remember, oh do remember... are a direct nod to the famous English nursery rhyme: "Remember, remember the 5th of November / Gunpowder, treason, and plot.

The Implication: That rhyme is about a failed attempt to blow up Parliament. By using this rhythm, the poet suggests that this "25th of December" event was a betrayal of humanityā€”a "treason" against the world that actually succeeded where Guy Fawkes failed.

2. The "Christmas" Irony
The most powerful device used here is Juxtapositionā€”placing two contrasting things side-by-side to highlight their differences.

Expectation: Christmas is associated with "peace on earth," family gatherings, lights, and warmth.
Reality in the Poem: The "lights" are bright embers of burning cities/people. The "warmth" is the heat of the atomic blast. The "family gathering" is reduced to a few survivors on their knees.
The "Petty Fights": This line highlights regret. On Christmas, families often bicker over small things (food, presents). The poem points out how meaningless those fights are when you are facing the end of the world.

3. Key Imagery to Highlight
"Became bright embers": This is a horrific subversion of the "Yule Log" or "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire." Here, the people are the fire. It is beautiful but terrifying imagery.
"Paying amends": This is a complex phrase. It suggests that the nuclear war wasn't random, but a punishmentā€”that humanity is "paying" for its sins or past mistakes through this fire.
"Forests of bodies": This dehumanizes the victims. There are so many dead that they look like treesā€”part of the landscape rather than individuals.

Well Done!

First signature.
24
24
Review of 25th of December!  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Hrafnar Ɓrgeir Author IconMail Icon I took the time (I research every poem that I comment on) to prepare this for you. "25th of December!" Open in new Window. I found to be a bit of a wicked masterpiece!

Here you are from me for you.


1. The Historical Reference (The "Hook")
The opening lines,
"Remember, oh do remember... are a direct nod to the famous English nursery rhyme: "Remember, remember the 5th of November / Gunpowder, treason, and plot.

The Implication: That rhyme is about a failed attempt to blow up Parliament. By using this rhythm, the poet suggests that this "25th of December" event was a betrayal of humanityā€”a "treason" against the world that actually succeeded where Guy Fawkes failed.

2. The "Christmas" Irony
The most powerful device used here is Juxtapositionā€”placing two contrasting things side-by-side to highlight their differences.

Expectation: Christmas is associated with "peace on earth," family gatherings, lights, and warmth.
Reality in the Poem: The "lights" are bright embers of burning cities/people. The "warmth" is the heat of the atomic blast. The "family gathering" is reduced to a few survivors on their knees.
The "Petty Fights": This line highlights regret. On Christmas, families often bicker over small things (food, presents). The poem points out how meaningless those fights are when you are facing the end of the world.

3. Key Imagery to Highlight
"Became bright embers": This is a horrific subversion of the "Yule Log" or "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire." Here, the people are the fire. It is beautiful but terrifying imagery.
"Paying amends": This is a complex phrase. It suggests that the nuclear war wasn't random, but a punishmentā€”that humanity is "paying" for its sins or past mistakes through this fire.
"Forests of bodies": This dehumanizes the victims. There are so many dead that they look like treesā€”part of the landscape rather than individuals.

4. Ideas for Your Comment
Depending on how you want to come across, here are three angles you could take:
I really appreciate how you subverted the 'Remember, remember' rhyme scheme here. It takes a nursery rhyme and twists it into a warning, which fits the theme of twisting Christmas joy into nuclear tragedy perfectly.
The line about hugging tight despite petty fights really hit me. It captures that instant regret and realization of what actually matters when it's already too late. A haunting perspective.
The imagery of 'bright embers' is chilling. Taking the warmth usually associated with Christmas and turning it into the heat of a bomb creates such a stark, painful contrast.
Well done."
25
25
Review of Headline in Stone  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha! Surprise ending!
Hello Jeffrey.
In my family it is always my fault *BigSmile*
Well done and true these days.
Pan
26 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 2 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oldmans