Sad but great story, a true impacting story. This flowed well, and read easily and has an eeire feel of reality to it. I could almost feel myself going along with Angela as she went through this. The only error I found was "Casey had been her (here) before she thought" All in all great work.
I found this to be extremely interesting and am looking forward to what you "add later". Right from the beginning it captured me and made me think of the mysterious and controvesial effects of "a Full Moon". Brier having been born on a full moon was surely to be a character of interet, intrigue, and even darkness. I think you did an excellent job on this stroy. I'm adding you to my favorite authors so I will remember to check back for more.
Diane
Well written and interesting. I almost look forward to a second piece. Perhaps his sister will find the story on the computer and figure out where Ryan went and continue to write, bringing them to life or joinging them in the story.
This story was very well written. I enjoyed reading it. Your attention to detail brought very vivid visual of a time from the past, and a story that would ring true to that time. Very nicely done.
Cute story. I like the ending you chose. A few suggestions. Leave a space between paragraphs. Also some spelling errors I found that can easily be corrected are listed below.
Something she wouldn’t get (be) caught dead in.
they were giggling and sharing secretes (secrets) because they found.
She reached for my bottle extending he (her gracefully long fingers) or (her long gracefull fingers) long gracefully fingers
This story is good and well written. I think it would make a great opening for a book. If you start with this you can then flash back to what leads up to you leaving. I'm not usually a fan of flash backs after the book has begun, howwver, I can see it working well in this story line. Wish you the best of luck.
This is actually very good. I enjoyed reading through it, and liked the twist of fate where he found her and hung himself. It seems to read as if from the early 1900's or before. It ran smoothly along and was easy to visualize everything as I read it.
Cute story, sounds like it could be a reality. People get wrong numbers often and I believe that somewhere there are people who have spken as these two have or close too it. I found two small things. One is a seperation of words and the other a suggested adding of a word, and are listed below. Other than that Very enjoyable reading.
Diane
"This will beone (be one) boring phone conversation then."
Because like I said, I have a lot of phone conversations at work, but they're never as (much) fun as this one.
The story is great... amazing actually. I hope you married Barbara and your father got to know you and your son. Your grammar, intensity and description of the scene are done very nicely.
If you ever decide to add this story to fiction or change a bit of it. I'd have the old man going to the park to watch the woman and child. Reminding him of a past long gone with his own son. Great work, I enjoyed it very much.
Diane
Awesome story. Loved the twist in the end. Your detail description of all characters and events was meticulous. Spelling and grammar were great and I found no errors in this story. Curious as to whether or not you have had this published? I think it is fantastic and should be submitted for print or "continued" leading up to this ending.
Congrats!!!
Diane
I enjoyed the story vey much. I would suggest you leave a line break between each paragraph thought to make the reading flow along easier. I found some errors, grammatical and spelling and have included them and the changes below. Kepp up the good work. Let me know if you do a follow up on this story. I'd like to read it as well.
Diane
know I had dried blood on alot (a lot) of scraps (scrapes) and cuts.
*******************************
Ouch!!! Yelling so loudly I wook (woke) myself up. Something had bitten my ankle
********************************************
Sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee. Kerry wondered what had happened. The police had no clue to her where a bouts. (abouts)
****************************************
Every muscle seemed to ach (ache) in his body. He didn't know if it was from worrying or the many miles they had walked each day desperately looking for some clue, any thing to know what had happened.
**********************************************
Opening the door, he discovered Sasha (changed the dogs name from Shasha to Sasha in chapter two) laying on the porch.
Covering Sasha, he promised her he would come right back, and take her to the vet.
********************************************
What trama (trauma) it must have been for her.
**********************
Would he come as he had been, walk in stare at her a few moments, then punch and kick her till she was so bad (should end and begin new sentence here.) (Going) going unconsience (unconscious) was a relief to her.
**************************************
Food wasn't crossing there minds lately, but she knew they both needed to eat to keep up there own strenght (strength) to make it through this
***************************************
Minutes went by (comma suggested after by) but to her it seemed like hours.
****************************************************
Opening the bad, it held a damp cloth in a bag. (mention of bag twice in this sentence. Suggestion; opening the bag, it held a damp cloth.)
******************************
But her stomach knoted (knotted) in pain as it smelled the food. (suggest starting sentence with However, her stomach knotted..... )
******************
Come to think on (of) it, he hadn't even herad (heard) any birds, any wildlife of any kind.
****************************
Oh it was probably just someone who had strayed off the path on there (their) walk.
*******************************
The guy was back on the path now, but it seamed (seemed) he was in a hurry.
*****************************
Dampness would soon follow which seemed to make her body ach (ache) even more.
*******************************
Drifting (suggest using comma here) she fell asleep with no trouble
Well written and descriptive. I have to admit the ending has me a bit confused as to the "years long secret" I think if the secret is they were lovers you should try to make the kiss maybe more passionate.
A few other items you may want to check, are listed below.
It wasn’t often that he was able to stay so late in the morning, because of the commute and ridiculous traffic he usually had (had TO be) be out of the house long before the rest of them were even thinking about waking up.
*************
In this section it seems as if Mrs. Kilarny is knocking on the door when at teh beginning of the story I thought she was the one who lived in the home.
“Well, hello Mrs. Kilarny, won’t you come in”
“Well I don’t mind if I do Mrs. Fredricks.”
As she took her friend by the hand and lead her through the door the two locked eyes like tigress’s ready to pounce.
“Oh Mrs. Kilarny. I am eva so glad to see you.”
Wow.... Impacting, effective, impressive ending. The story in general was very detailed, and descriptive. I enjoyed this very much. Looking forward to more of your work.
Diane.
I like the story it. It's short simple and easy to follow. A few suggestions on things I would chang eare listed below.
In this sentece;
She'd begged for death near the end she was in so much pain, but now she was at peace. Finally.
I think there should be two sentences with a period after the word "end" If not a period at least a commma should be used for seperation here.
Next;
It was of my mother in the hosipital, three men in suits stood on either side of her bed and my brother leaned over her with a clip board telling her to sign.
I think that you should be much more descriptive of the three men, howeever, since you are unable to understand the dream, it should be descriptive, but less informative.
An example:
It was my mother in the hospital. Three men stood on either side of her bed. They all wore dark suits, had dark hair, and thier faces were blurred out, like an exposer on a pre-recorded TV show. My brother leaned over her, holding a clipboard and telling her to hurry up and sign it. (You may want to add; a clipboard, that looked like the medical chart from the foot of her bed.
I think these changes would help the reader to understand "why" you can't fingure what the dream is about. Then at the end it would all be understood as you explain the meeting with the Lawyers
Cute, sad, and yet inspiring. It's OK to not know "how to dance to the same band". It's OK to stand out in a crowd and OK to be alone in a crowd. Lonliness hurts, but smile and love yourself is a message I get from this. Nicely written.
Diane
Nicely written. I think I know many people like that. Those who speak the truth hurtful or not. Sometimes it is needed and sometimes it is not.
Regardless, I enjoyed the poem and feel it was very open, honest and well written.
Diane
Interesting concept. My only suggestion would have been a bit reversed story.
Start out with the angels talking first, then go to the man in the street screaming for help. Just a thought. However, since you now have two angels perhaps you will take them on new journeys and we can read more of their experiences.
I believe this is very well written, and in many factors true. However, I would feel uncomfortable greeting a woman, even one I knew had given a child for adoption with a Mothers Day Greeting. I feel that this would bring up hurt and painful memories. Although I truly do believe that it is very nobel of them giving thier child a home better than they could provide, I personally think the reminders would be more unwelcome than welcomed.
This is my first comment on the "column" format. I'll have to admit I entered this area more out of curiousity. I wondered what people wrote columns on. Attempting to expand my horizons both reading and writing I had to look.
Diane
I liked this. It reflects from past ot present and the future as well (almost). I did find a could of things I feel should be changed, but I'll leave the decision up to you.
You mentioned your daughter and I am hoping you tell her what your mother never told you. I can really relate to this, although I am divorced and cna do more than look, I find looking an interesting thing to do most of the time.
Here are the two tiems I discussed and the way I would correct them.
My husband was the handsomest guy out there,(<eliminate comma after there) anyway, so what was the point?
It wasn’t something that happened all at once; it kind of sneaked (snuck) up on me.
Other than that very well written and true. I'm curious what the reaction would be in a woman's magazine.
Great story, sexist, but great. I just read and article on the large amounts of money that go unclaimed by lottery winners each year. I love the sweaty, fast thinking, and fun twist you put into the story.
I like the story very much. It makes me feel as though it is true, that other life does exist and could be sent here to help.
A few items I feel are incorrect are listed below. One of the main problems I noticed is that you continually capitalize "Him" and "He"
In addition I have marked your referral to humans and a note below it questioning which humans.
***********************
Another secret I've found that "humans" misunderstand is love. Love is a spiritual need, not a physical want. I cannot see how physical love can exist without spiritual love.
*************************
You have previously referred to us as Earth Humans. Are all humans including yourself from other galaxies misunderstanding loveor only the Earth humans?
This is a good topic, but I think it could have included a lot more "excuses". There was also one line I feel needs correcting:
I did'nt (didn't) mean to shake my baby was (eliminate was) so hard
If you are interested in a list of excuse I feel could be included I'd be happy to give them to you and you can work them in however you would like.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/opannod
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 8:11am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
