You wrote: "I take fight" I believe you meant flight.
My overall feel of this poem is that it is uplifting and nicely written. My impression is that the flow of the poem is very controlled and moves slowly and calmly explaining all that is achieved and expressed in finding one's true self.
In your description you say it is about our internal essence. This may be obvious to you as the author, but I didn't catch anything internal to the poem, or in the poem's title to direct this insight. Without your introduction there is nothing but a nice poem about the light, where a reader needs to infer ideas based on his own experiences. Light tends to deal with good and evil, and is brought up in the Bible many times. Your readers may be misguided by their previous notions of Light.
I enjoyed the smooth read of each line as it flowed one to the other and kept good rhythm and rhyme. I was impressed by your ability to continually find rhymes, even for more complicated words.
In the end, despite this being a well written poem there is not much about it that would make me suggest it to someone else. There is no catharsis, and there doesn't seem to be an extremely complicated idea that is expressed, or an innovative way of expressing it. The best parts of this poem don't draw me into much deeper thought, or bring me to new ideas on the expressed subject.
I hope this review helps you in your writing. Best of luck and keep writing.
I am responding to the idea of the poem since it seems to be put together rhythmically and conceptually just fine.
I think the author doesn't intend to ask questions at all, quite like someone presenting questions rhetorically. From this perspective the final line is unnecessary and the title of the poem doesn't quite fit.
The only comment I have is the flow of ideas in the last full stanza. The last two lines of that stanza are broken up conceptually and rhythmically when in fact they relate on both levels. Perhaps if it weren't a period but a semicolon, or if you didn't use punctuation at all. Since the rest of your piece uses punctuation so vehemently, it would be odd not to use it. You have organized your thoughts and rhythm around the use of punctuation, and you have done it rather well, so I will not tell you to get rid of it.
Due to the nature of my review, I wish to say that it is merely my opinion and my interpretation of poetry. I look at poetry as being extremely musical.
Although I like the meaning of this piece, I think it's flow suffers from certain aspects.
First I will explain to you my ideas of flow. Flow is the coherent movement of ideas and rhythm controlled by the author. Much like a composer uses symbols to express the pace, and length of notes so too does a poet. The notes are punctuation and line breaks, and breaking up stanzas. Alliteration and rhyming help to control this, but so do the number of syllables in a words, and the stresses or unstressed aspects of those syllables.
The flow of an idea in prose is controlled by quartering off words into sentences and half sentences, and coming up with ways to separate like ideas. The flow of an idea in poetry is controlled in much the same way. Your idea most flow, but so too should your language. I have noticed more punctuation in poetry of late, and it's use tends to separate ideas into prose like style. Yet the authors tend not to understand the current tools of writing poetry such as line breaks and breaks in stanzas. I think the use of punctuation slows down a piece immensely. This is not a bad thing, because in some points it is necessary to control the flow of an idea and of the language.
The problem I find with your piece is that the two aspects of flow are not represented well, or do not cooperate well. This I believe is due to inadequate use of alliteration such as in the grouping of "divine design". Choose your words carefully. Could the words celestial design serve the same purpose? You extend your rhythm, I feel unnecessarily , in the words "Soon the rainbow arches/ on the horizon" If I read it as a regular sentence it flows fine. But with the break in lines, even my brain creates a break in the ideas. It does not work without the break either, but if I take the whole "on the horizon" part out it seems to flow much better to me. Your punctuation seems to be only an attempt to satisfy your idea of what the grammar should be like, and yet you violate rules by breaking up the lines and separating the sentences into different stanzas.
I feel that your use of language also is unbalanced in the piece. The word cloistered doesn't fit well with other words in the piece. Some pieces are perfect even though they only use small words, this is because the level and sound of all the words fit well together. Cohesion of flow in the two aspects that I see is extremely important for me to be able to relate to a piece well.
I may simply be reading your piece as if it were meant for a cello when it is really meant for a piano, or not be meant for either all together. I like your deep meaning and concept of relating rainy days to hard times in our lives, but I couldn't over look the things I mentioned. I may be reading your piece's rhythm all wrong because I don't understand it. I felt it necessary to express my perspective though, and I hope it was helpful
I think this is a great poem in honor of your father. It flows nicely, accept in the line that follows: "Your passion for your life"
I think you can correct this by shortening it to- Your passion for life. I don't think the reader will be confused as to the subject of who's life.
I also noticed a little bit of possible slant rhyme on the end of the first four stanzas. I think if you could find rhymes that were closer or existed in more than just one syllable you might get a little better flow.
That's my opinion, hope it was useful. Good luck and keep writing!
"I need at least 25 lb today" You should say 25 lbs.
This was an enjoyable short story, maybe because I worked in lawn care and I know exactly what the heat of the sun burning down is like. Your descriptions and wandering thoughts of the character were very reminiscent. I enjoyed the humor at the end as well. Good job.
There are little improvements you can make in the rhythm, but the rhyming is nicely done and I like that the message is clearly written. The only suggestion I can really make is to maybe use some alliteration or internal rhyme to help the flow of the poem. Your use of punctuation is done well, without making it feel to much like prose, which I find ironic because you can taste it, and yet wrote a poem. Good job with the piece though, I usually don't like religious pieces because they are written with good intentions but no emotion or style.
"Short story about a man, and what he feels or doesn't feel about the world."
Your description gives nothing away, which is good, but there is something about it I don't like. Maybe it should state, a man losing touch with the world, or a man in the joys of the night.
When the man leaves the apartment, and goes outside, there is something less then indifference in the narration and details. I think this is due to a lack of elaboration or detail of expression. I know you're going for the cold feel of nothingness, but you can't go for real nothingness or you might lose your reader.
I didn't see the end coming, but it could of been even more suspenseful if you don't mention that it's his apartment. You could end it with him killing, or raping her or whatever you intended, and during that expression give the same description of the apartment or woman at that time, and then mention that it's his apartment. Then you deliver double the shock. Leaving it open ended for interpretation doesn't really seem all that important to me, I pretty sure I know what's going to happen.
And that leads me to your rating. 13+ seems a little to low. I would say if there was a rating for 16+ that would be good. But you might as well go with the 18.
This is just my opinion and do with it what you want. I hope it was helpful
The saying is "fell on deaf ears". I don't know if that was a typo, but there you go. I'm also confused to know if you're trying to make a point, or what the point of the story is. It has good use of language, but confusing most of all is the way it opens almost poetically, but then stopping in the second paragraph. The story itself has potential to mean something, I just can't think of what you're trying to say with this.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/owensbm
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 11:39pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
