PatrickB's (pabernardy8) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

675 Public Reviews Given

703 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

A review you purchase from me will always be proofread, thorough, and carefully considered. I try to strike a balance between encouragement and honesty. What you can expect from me is a discussion of what your piece said to me as I read it and strategies for what I thought could be improved. I also point out specifically any errors that I found in the piece (although if it is a repeating problem, I will explain this deficiency generally rather than try to fix each and every one). I always keep my reviews conversational and positive. I'm generous with praise, and I try to speak with confident authority in areas where I have some knowledge. I approach each review I do with the idea that the best way to help someone become a better writer is to model that behavior to the best of my ability. Reviews that contain multiple grammatical and/or spelling errors, present incomplete thoughts, or show a lack of effort do not send a good message to those receiving the reviews concerning my advice.

I'm good at...

Grammar, spelling, sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary (word choice), characters, dialogue

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama

Least Favorite Genres

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look.

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Poetry, Personal Narratives and Essays

Least Favorite Item Types

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look, from contests to group pages to forums to activity rules. If you want someone to take a look at your activity and give it a review, let me know! I'll try to locate inconsistencies in rules and guidelines.

I will not review...

The only items I will not review through this system are novel chapters. I would much rather trade services and make you review mine as I review yours. If you are interested in setting this up, feel free to email me.

51

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3908647

Review of The Novelist

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings, ~ Santa Sisco ~

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "The Novelist" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Hello, my friend! I hope you are feeling better and are enjoying your shower. I chose this poem because I really enjoyed the refrain at the end with which you set the cycle for the novelist in motion in perpetuity. The ending truly was a masterstroke, for it adds a context to everything else. The narrator is hard at work on a novel, addressing all these conventions and concerns, goes to sleep happy with his or her work, and awakens the next day to do it all over again. Without the refrain, the poem becomes a less sophisticated expression, for it would forgo characterization of the narrator; by showing his or her obsessive/compulsive daily regimen, you do that much more for your poem. It is often small, subtle choices that make such a huge difference in our stories and poems. Here you have a poem where the subject seems to be a tribute to the conventions of novel-writing -- protagonists, plot-twists, setting, conflict -- that is really about this one novelist and his or her daily routine. Your title shows that your poem is supposed to be about this specific novelist narrator, and it's that tiny little refrain at the very end that clinches it for you. Without it, I think your title would be misleading. Very well done!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't see anything in these areas that needed attention.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I would suggest nothing specific to improve this polished piece. Just be proud of it!

I offer you the general advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE:

"The words come quickly, not always in order / I sometimes have notes all over the border."

This has impeccable rhythm, but what I like the most about it is that it reinforces the character you establish with the obsessive/compulsive refrain. I can just see the novelist hard at work, tweaking and revising, adding stray thoughts for later on any spare section of paper.

There is quite a lot of spirit in your poetry that is impossible to deny, Sisco!
Enjoy the rest of your shower and get better soon!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

52

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3907839

Review of The Long Wait, Part 1

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings, druid

Just so you know,
I'm making a three-course meal with my reviews,
a trio of fiendishly disgusting concoctions
for the Halloween Review Stew presented by "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

.

This review of your chapter is a featured ingredient in Hairball Salad with Saliva Dressing, the first course of my meal. Here's the recipe:

(1) Registered Author Review

This is you!

(1) Moderator Review

(2) Senior Moderator Reviews

"Extract of Honesty," dripped

"Elixir of Respect," poured in generous amounts

"Syrup of Encouragement," drizzled

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Overall:
I have to say that the one thing I feel the most after reading your first chapter is how you conveyed Ru's emotions about not only losing Myra, but also getting her back. Your style of prose helped you a lot there: the disjointed thoughts, the contradictions in thought, feelings, and what was said, and the way you used present tense to involve the reader. The choice of second person, which I will spoke more about below, sits nice in this instance, for it makes Ru's anguish more immediate. We as readers feel as if we are voyeurs watching this man fall apart, pleading with his love why she should not abandon him. There were some grammatical issues I have pulled out for you, and couple rewords, but for the most part, this piece was pretty polished. Below, I give you some specific advice on how you can make a great chapter even better and offer you an action plan to guide you.

I Speak of "You," Tensely:
You use some unorthodox techniques in your chapter -- second-person present tense is surely one of the most difficult point-of-view/tense combinations I can imagine to keep straight. And in the middle of all of this, you have an integrated flashback that is second-person past tense. I will admit that these conventions do wonders in conveying the emotion of the chapter, and I'm certainly not recommending a different approach. The only thing I would mention is that you have to be extra careful that all of this is done effectively and does not lead to reader confusion. Second person is very powerful when done correctly, for it reads like a dedication to whoever "you" is -- in this case, Myra. Second person ramps up the tension, displaying even more that Ru is desperate and pleading with Myra to see how much she means to him. "This is what you do to me" or "You still do not know what you mean to me" gives you as the author another brush in which to paint Ru as a desperate man pursuing the woman he loves and suffering for that pursuit for a decade.

Grammar/Spelling:
I have found some grammatical errors, and pulled them out for you here. ▼

Areas for Improvement:

I just wanted to caution you again about your shift in tenses. There is a lot going on here for the reader, and inappropriate tense shifts are jarring. I might even recommend that you segment the flashback in italics to help the reader stay in the correct tense. Here is where the flashback begins: "A tearful goodbye for both of us, though I like to fool myself that you didn't hear it in my voice. We'd become way too close over the previous few months. All-encompassing, our passion for each other had taken over both of our lives." It occurs pretty close to the beginning of the story, so we are just getting use to the present tense, and you switch it on us. I just wanted to point these out to you and explain why I recommend a use of italics to set off your flashback.

I noticed a few examples where you place your end punctuation outside of quotation marks. The style is that everything that is a part of the sentence should go inside the quotes.

There were several instances where you used numerals in place of numbers. Literary style dictates that we always spell out whole integers. I've pulled out each instance for you here. ▼

Suggested Reword: "You had been getting a hard time at home about your time spent online and I had finally been placed on..."

"You were getting pressure at home about your time spent online, and I had finally been placed on..."

Plan of Action:
This plan of action is my advice on what I would do to improve your chapter in a set, particular order. Your are free to disregard this (or anything I say, of course). The Plan of Action I offer is only a strategy to follow if you feel you need one as you revise.

First, I would suggest going in and correcting the punctuation errors and pondering my other advice. This helps the next reviewer immensely.

Second, figure out a way to rework your flashback so that the shift in tense is not so jarring to the reader.

Third, give this chapter another coat of paint. Read each line and paragraph carefully and see where you can enhance a reader's immersion by engaging the five senses. I believe this is crucial in your narrative! I know it's hard, trust me I do. It does get easier the more you do it, and you really improve as a storyteller by making yourself squeeze every word for as much as it's worth.

Excellent Writing Example(s):

"I took two weeks off work, unable to face anyone. I returned in the end, quieter, broken, with no lust for life, my happiness burned out of me by the loss of you."

You paint this man's heartbreak with a very powerful brush, my friend.

"I take pity on you, on both of us, and try to break through the uncomfortable, slow, "niceness" that is getting us nowhere."

This is very crisp prose that describes well the tense awkwardness of the moment. You have built up a lot of reader sympathy for Ru by this point, and the pay-off is still in doubt.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your chapter and allowing me to use that review in my recipe!
Just think of all the hungry ghouls and zombies that will enjoy quality food because of your generosity!

If you would like to participate and make your own review meals, see the following item:

FORUM

The Official Mod Review Blitz!

(E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Brooke is plotting.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

53

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3904587

Review of Places

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Greetings, Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Places" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Hello, Fran! I hope you are enjoying your shower! I saw this document in your port and had a great time reading it. This is a very creative way to help someone learn more about you. Was this a sponsored activity you turned into a static item, or just a interesting way to tell others about you? I was fascinated by all the places you've been! All those meets in all those countries, meeting new people, learning new cultures and customs. I was also moved by the nice things you said about your husband and his proposal. The one thing that jumped out at me as I read was under "A place I love," you put Cuba. Have you actually been? I would be most interested to discover things about the island nation, because growing up in America, the place was propagandized so much during my lifetime. You also mentioned that you wanted to come to Australia. Well, I moved down under almost three years ago, and it's a beautiful country. Your way of segmenting and relating important events about your life based on the places where they occurred is a very creative and interesting way to reveal biography.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found one tiny little typo I wanted to point out: "On my sofa in on[e] of my old houses..."

I enjoyed visiting your portfolio and learning about how courageous and talented you are!
Thanks for sharing this document about yourself!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

54

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3903316

Review of A Bear Like Me

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings, Ruan

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "A Bear Like Me" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Hello Ruan! I enjoyed reading your charming story where a neglected teddy bear begins his search for others like him. This is an excellent beginning on "fish-out-of-water" story that never gets old. I get a sense as I'm reading that you are very good writer; your instinctive writer's voice puts together great prose. Other than some simple punctuation edits, this is a fresh, original start on a sure-fire story.

TARGET AUDIENCE:
It seems obvious that this story would be geared toward children, but sometimes a "child fantasy" like this (see Toy Story) has some underlying allegory about the modern human condition that adults can pick up on. I sense you heading in that direction with the ideas of neglect and abandonment. One of the greatest children's fantasy stories where its adult allegorical content outshines its child fantasy quality is Richard Adams Watership Down. There is much value and entertainment, I think, in taking personification to the level of expressionist allegory. If this is your goal with your lonely teddy bear, by all means, proceed with my best wishes! If this is just a children's story, that's nice, too. Either way you choose to go, you have a great start!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There were some recurring problems in the prose as pertains to commas. I have done some editing of your text. If you wish to see, please click here ▼

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

If you wish to learn more about independent and dependent clauses, phrases, gerunds, and infinitives, etc., I humbly point you to my document "Invalid Item"

for a quick, concise explanation of how to master this difficult punctuation.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"I got trapped in a car like that once and I ended up at a place where there are big machines that fly high in the sky. I think the humans call them hairy-plains."

I laughed at loud at this! It will be things like this that will add even more charm to your story as your protagonist discovers more of the world.

Your story is off to a great start, and it's been my privilege to offer my advice.
Welcome to WDC and remember that our community is here primarily to help you improve and offer what support we can as you journey forth as a writer!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

55

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3903105

Review of Contrast

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings, ~ Santa Sisco ~

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Contrast" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Let me start off by saying I don't think you're narrator's insane

. This poem is insanely clever, however. I love when poets take the language and jumble it all up and spread out something that makes us think. Your poem is fun in that way, as we try to find all of your contrasts. You use opposites to perfection to create your narrator's premise of possible insanity, but in the end, I think we find that it's more a commentary on the dual nature of life. My favourite lines, which I will mention below, are the ones that create a next step in thinking. Some of your opposites just paint a continuum, but a couple of them really make the poem.

BINARY OPPOSITION:
Ferdinand de Saussure, a Swiss philosopher and linguist during the early 20th Century, delineated the theory of binary opposition as a way to give structure and meaning to language units. In other words, by showing the structure of the opposites, one creates a complimentary context for each degree, thus the "there's no up without down, black without white, day without night" thought-train. Binary opposition is a wonderful premise for a poem, for it already has built into it a very lucid poetic convention, that of dichotomous extremes. It's in the middle of these extremes -- or better yet, within the presence of them -- that your narrator discovers his sanity.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

After doing some reading on contemporary poetry and expectations, I have discovered that it is passé for poets to eschew punctuation. You can always make up you own mind on this, but in my humble opinion, a poem should use typical punctuation unless it has a figurative effect on the poem. An example of this would be streams of consciousness whereby the lack of punctuation actually echoes a poet's desire for non-linear, flowing thought-patterns. In this instance, where your theme is on contrasts and binary opposition, a lack of punctuation can actually be a distraction. I guess one way to say it is: you use commas within a line and question marks at the end, why not commas and periods where needed at the end of a line?

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"I’m in control, what do I do?"

I love this contrast, for it seems to hold a deeper meaning than some of your others. Your narrator feels in control, but has no idea what to do. This is very subtle, but I read this as perhaps a comment on the idea that the journey is the reward, that once everything is sorted, we lose our purpose and momentum. This is my favourite of your contrasts, for it seems to touch upon a truism of human existence.

"I live for the day all through the night"

I just love this line. It has the feel of a Ringo Starr malapropism like "Eight Days and Week," "Tomorrow Never Knows," and "A Hard Day's Night."

I thoroughly enjoyed your dichotomous dance of opposites, Sisco!
You seem to have a clever poetic mind that works best on the fringes of sanity, where all the best ideas are planted. Next time you're there, stop into my little cottage and have a tea. I tend to spend most of the year there anyway.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

56

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3901767

Review of Late Night Shopping, Hythe

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Greetings, Joanna Hills

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Late Night Shopping, Hythe" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
This is a fabulous descriptive piece about your evening in Hythe. I had to actually google Hythe and discovered that it's a small coastal town in Kent with a famous market. Your short piece does an excellent job of painting the scene and atmosphere of your night amongst the revellers. I was very impressed with your sentence structure and the adjectives you used to describe the setting. I will point out a couple of my favorites below. I did notice "Invalid Item"

in your portfolio and wondered why you didn't use it at the top of your story. Just a suggestion!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
This seems to have been well edited already. I only found one tiny little typo:

"in the crossfire betwe[e]n the"

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

This piece seems frozen in time, and by that reasoning, I would recommend nothing at all. After browsing your portfolio and seeing how much you enjoy photography, I think an apt comparison for this piece is that it's like a photograph made of words rather than light and shadow.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"A cacophony of noise greeted my ears as vendors cried out their wares; friends called to each other in the crowd; the barrel organ groaned wheezily; and the brass band played carols ever so slightly out of tune."

I love this description. I picture the scene of Portabello Road out of Bedknobs and Broomsticks as I read it (Which, if you knew me and realized how important that movie was to my childhood, you would see how much that's a compliment.

)

"Lightly sprinkled glitter on the shining cheeks of young women heightened the already festive mood."

This is a smooth, well-written sentence. Your prose is effortless to read!

I've enjoyed perusing your portfolio this evening and looking at your wonderful photographs.
Thanks for teaching me about Hythe!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

57

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3901744

Review of Keeper of Secrets

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings, Fancy

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Keeper of Secrets" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Hello, Fancy! It was my pleasure to read your story as part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy. I found this uplifting tale a very enjoyable read from start to finish, and the photograph at the top was amusing. I never imagined horses could get that big! I have a few minor edits I suggest later on, but for the most part, you have a very good story, here, that is marketable as inspirational or spiritual fiction with some work. Your dialogue between your three characters moves the story along nicely. You seem to be best at describing the horses; I'm assuming that you have had a lot of exposure to the animals throughout your life. The fact that Tasha won't speak is very compelling, making us wonder what horrible thing could have happened to this girl to put her in such a condition. It was nice at the end to see her confiding her secrets to the "Secret Keeper," or Chester the horse. We leave the story feeling just like Sandra, that Tasha is on her way to happier days.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There were some simple edits I would suggest within the text itself. If you are interested in seeing my offered corrections, click here ▼

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

It took me a long time to break this habit as well, but you should insert contractions in your dialogue more often. Try to hear the conversation in your head and write it like most of us would say it. For instance, a common one is: "She is taking a walk." Most of us don't talk like this in normal conversation. Sometimes we do, but more often than not, we would say "She's taking a walk." This is not advice for your prose, only your dialogue. Try to use contractions when your characters are speaking as often as you would use them in your normal speech. It comes off sounding more natural that way.

I didn't find this to be a problem in this story, but I have a philosophy to "review to improve" an author's work. Your story could stand a little more description of character and setting, but don't get discouraged! Think of it like this: a scene/story/novel is like an oil painting where you apply layer upon layer of color over time, using a much smaller and finer brush with each application. You have a very good oil painting started. Now, take a finer brush and paint those difficult eyes or that fallen log in the foreground with its striated textures of umber, peach, and black. Have another read-through. Reword a sentence here and there. When you get to the end, set it aside. Come back it to it tomorrow, or next week, or next month, and do the same thing again. You would be surprised how dense with excellent description your story will become.

When a long prepositional phrase begins a sentence, it should be set off with a comma. Here is an example from your story: "On the way out to the barn[,] Tasha grabbed Sandra’s hand and squeezed it."

Suggested Reword: "A little worried, Sandra went to the barn. Sandra made it to the barn and heard something unusual coming from one of the stalls."

"A little worried, Sandra went to the barn. Inside one of the stalls, she heard something unusual."

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"Everybody quickly ate their breakfast as Tasha bubbled with excitement."

This is very crispy prose with great word-choice!

"S’more and Shiloh were lying in their stalls. Tasha went to each stall and stroked each one. They were beautiful horses with exceptional coloring and luxurious flowing manes."

This is a very good description of the horses.

I've enjoyed visiting your portfolio and offering what suggestions I could for your story. Good luck with your writing endeavors!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

58

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3900983

Review of Syria, Seriously?

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
Poetry Review

Greetings, Dan Sturn

It is my pleasure to review "Syria, Seriously?"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Your take on the latest Middle East conflict is topical and eloquent. The main message I get from it is the feeling of weariness with the constant upheaval that plagues the region and the West's obsessive need to intervene. I don't argue politics, but I definitely see your point. The only concern I have is when the "cat's away, the mice will play." One hornet making a nest is not a big deal. Leave it to its work, and the swarm can become very dangerous. Of course, I am speaking from the point of view of American safety and security. This leaves little room for the countless innocent citizens of these nations that live as hostages to these warlike regimes, and whose only hope is the resolve of the free nations of the world to overthrow their oppressors.

CONVENTIONS:
You have a very nice metaphor within the poem, comparing the West to sheep. This is an interesting contrast in power, giving these regimes the power to dictate what it is the West does. It almost implies a Pavlovian response that the West has concerning the Middle East: use weapons of mass destruction and we'll rev up the war machine to stop you. Your excellent poem reveals a leak in this idea, though. The response is losing its potency and the dog is sick of running for the dinner bell only to discover there is nothing to eat. The West mobilizes, puts lives at risk, expends valuable resources, and what do they get? More upheaval, just a few hundred miles away. Another powerful symbol in the poem is the mention of drum beats, a traditional emblem of bellicosity in literature.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't see anything at all wrong in these areas. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would suggest nothing at all. Your poem seems complete as it is, topical and meaningful to anyone who reads it.

FAVORITE LINE:

"But being so long upon your brink,"

What an incredibly evocative word "brink" is. It summons to mind imminent danger. The addition of the pronoun "your" in front of that conveys an incredibly subtle meaning. This is your war, you who are always waving the sabre and making the world a dangerous place. We don't want to be here. We would rather leave you in peace.

I enjoyed reading your topical poem on the possible war with Syria, and I find little to argue with you about. Maybe one day, peace and security can coexist in a stable world.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

59

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3900615

Review of AMONG FRIENDS

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, SHERRI GIBSON

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "AMONG FRIENDS" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
No one can know about you, Sherri, without knowing how important your friends are to you. Your portfolio reveals not only how dedicated you are to everyone else, but also how dedicated everyone is to you. Even though you and I have not had a lot of contact since you first introduced me to the community through Simply Positive at the end of 2010, I always knew you were out there and willing to help if you could. As I was navigating your port, this particular poem jumped out at me. It was my pleasure to read it and reflect upon the kind of person you are -- helpful, knowledgeable, giving, friendly, and supportive to those in need. Poetry is personal, first and foremost. It is the sketch of a feeling, the wisp of a moment, or the coming together of an idea. This piece reads like a dedication, and one that I have no doubt touched those who are closest to you here at WDC.

MY FAVORITE PART:

"Among friends, hearts entwine. / There is no yours, there is no mine."

I don't see how anyone could ever relay this sentiment as eloquently as this. The image of merging hearts and the shedding of egos and possessions are essential parts of any friendship.

I've enjoyed visiting your portfolio today.
Paying tribute to this poem was a pleasure.
To me, it is what "Sherri Gibson" is all about.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

60

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14 days may be credited.

#3646358

Review of Legacy

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Cupid's Bow Review
by PatrickB
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Greetings
🌖 HuntersMoon

This short "Awardicon Review" is part of the package you purchased in the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

COMMENTS:

I have read many of your poems today. Some are fantastic, some are not my cup of tea (free verse, for example, has always left me flat for I have a mind that craves symmetry and pattern); but all-in-all, I have gained quite a bit of respect for your ability as a poet, and I do not say that lightly. Compliments are thrown around our community like wedding rice or ticker-tape confetti, but know, truly, that my respect for your ability has grown immeasurably today. I chose "Legacy" because I really like it. It is a pleasing form -- which I had never been exposed to -- but what got me was how well your metaphor of love's death is carried throughout the eleven lines. References to "statues," "legacy," and "epitaph" paint quite a heavy picture of this relationship's demise. What struck me the most was how you addressed what destroys most relationships -- a breakdown of communication. You call this the legacy, of "words lost along our path," and I think you nail another universal theme. At some point, "we" does become "you and I" in every failed relationship. It is like the line demarcating the point of no return. Excellent word-image in a captivating form!

MY FAVORITE STANZA:

"Our legacy is words lost along our path
inscribed on our love as a last epitaph."

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D.,
Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, Rising Stars,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

61

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14 days may be credited.

#3646352

Review of Hallucinations of the Heart

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A Cupid's Bow Review
by PatrickB
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Greetings
🌖 HuntersMoon

This short "Awardicon Review" is part of the package you purchased in the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

COMMENTS:

From epic morning lovers basking in romantic bliss ("Paphian Mornings" ) to biting cynicism about the nature of love that is anything but romantic -- Ah, how refreshing to wade into a portfolio of someone who celebrates the contradictions and complexities of our shared human condition. Do we believe Tennyson, who wrote that "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," or do we believe the J. Geils Band, who sang: "You love her / But she loves him / And he loves somebody else / You just can't win ... Love stinks!" It seems to me to be a question where the answer is qualified by whether or not one is actually in love or not. The polarizing feelings between the two conditions is what makes love such a prodigious institution. Your hilarious cynicism reaches a climax at the end with your wonderful joke that love and all the trappings is really just for the birds (and the bees?)and all we really want is sex. I will reserve my agreement on that, but it is a funny point of view nonetheless.

MY FAVORITE STANZA:

"Yes, love delivers all the things we've heard,
binding two people much closer, no doubt.
But when it ends – as has often occurred
both feel the pain of stitches ripped out!"

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D.,
Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, Rising Stars,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

62

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14 days may be credited.

#3646344

Review of Paphian Mornings

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A Cupid's Bow Review
by PatrickB
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Greetings
🌖 HuntersMoon

This short "Awardicon Review" is part of the package you purchased in the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

COMMENTS:

"Paphian Mornings" is yet another example of your mastery of short-lined ABAB quatrains. This poem stuck with me because I was wondering if it qualified as an aubade. An aubade is the morning version of a serenade, which technically is a poem or song sung to a lover at night. The other distinguishing element to qualify as an aubade is that the lovers have to part at dawn. While this is usually after a forbidden redezvous and night-time tryst -- as is the case in Mandy's "Invalid Item" -- it doesn't have to be. When your lovers part to go about their daily life, it is still with sorrow that they must leave each other's arms. While an aubade is not a structural form like a Villanelle or sonnet, it is a subject form like an ode or elegy. I contend that this is, in fact, an aubade, for it meets all the parameters for that type of poem. Either way, it is fantastic romantic poetry!

MY FAVORITE STANZA:

I lay there basking in the love
that's only shared by two.
Each day I thank the stars above
for guiding me to you.

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D.,
Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, Rising Stars,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

63

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3646337

Review of The Hourglass

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Cupid's Bow Review
by PatrickB
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Greetings
🌖 HuntersMoon

This short "Awardicon Review" is part of the package you purchased in the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

COMMENTS:

These last few days have been a time of remembrance and acknowledgement that we all have a finite amount of time on this earth. I met Lyle this time last year when he invited me to give a "chat room lecture" (an endeavor that led to an official transcript of the event in "Invalid Item" ) His spirit at trying new ways to engage us all to become better, more professional writers was what always stuck with me. I had a long conversation with him after the lecture in chat and learned a lot about his life as a journalist. Shortly after we met, I came to Australia and we fell out of communication a bit. I would still give him the occasional review credit, but he did not review very often. I received an email from him in September asking me if I was interested in submitting a story to Shadows Express. I told him that I would be honored, and he told me he would get back to me. Sadly, that was the last I heard from him until his mass email that he was taking some time off. I don't feel that I knew him well, but I did know him well enough to notice his absence.

With "The Hourglass" you have created an exceptional tribute to your friend, Ken. Mandy and I both just read it and think it is one of the best poems you have ever written. The Villanelle is not easy to write, but when it is done well, the repetition of lines and end-rhymes weave into a dance that is lyrical magic. You attain this level of sonorous perfection with this poem. The imagery you choose -- of the slipping sands of time -- is a reminder to us all that we have only a short time and all too soon it will be over. This sentiment is universal in what it says about the human condition, and is the true essence of our mortality. "Stop and smell the roses," they say. And they will always say it as long as human beings pass away, leaving loved-ones behind. You are saying it here as well, you just do so in your own exceptional way. The best poetry takes universal experiences and presents them in a unique way. Take a bow, my friend!

MY FAVORITE STANZA:

I tried to pull out one stanza I liked more than another, but they are each so interwoven and create a whole so much greater than the sum of the parts, that I will just say I liked them all and recommend everyone reading this to hit the link and read poetic brilliance for themselves.

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D.,
Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, Rising Stars,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

64

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14 days may be credited.

#3646323

Review of Allegiance

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Cupid's Bow Review
by PatrickB
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Greetings
🌖 HuntersMoon

This short "Awardicon Review" is part of the package you purchased in the "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

COMMENTS:

I just finished enjoying your poem "Allegiance" and wanted to offer my comments on it. As I scanned your portfolio for which items I wanted to review and reward, I was struck by how many quality poems you have -- prolific doesn't even touch it, really. I read at least a dozen of them, plus revisited a few of the others I had read and/or reviewed over the last year since I met you, "Dark Poet" and "La Caleuche " just to name a couple. The five I chose where by far my favorites, for they seemed to be written from deep down in your gut. "Allegiance" is a patriotic hagiography to the American flag and the Pledge of Allegiance, two things I didn't realize until I moved away from America were so much apart of my earliest subconscious. I normally don't take very well to overly sentimental patriotism (being the cynical twit that I am), but this poem has an authenticity to it because it seems to come from the heart of its creator, and I will never find fault with that type of expression. Structurally, I liked this poem because of your ABAB rhyme scheme, and in particular, how you manage to keep the end-rhymes from seeming forced. I also liked your choice of images to head the poem. Ken, you write from a place inside you that has much confidence, and it shows in the wonderful poetry and prose you provide for our enjoyment.

MY FAVORITE STANZA:

"The tower twins lay side by side,
felled by hate's cruel stroke
and yet our banner flew with pride
above the dust and smoke."

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D.,
Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, Rising Stars,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

65

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3646295

Review of Beneficence

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings, 🌖 HuntersMoon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This review of "Beneficence"

is 2 of 2 in the auction review package you purchased in "Invalid Item"

NOTE
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS:
Congratulations on being the highest bidder for my review package. This review of "Beneficence"

is as you requested.

OVERALL SENSE:
Wow, what a fantastic story, Ken! I really liked the first one, but this one is brilliant! Unlike with "Invalid Item"

, this is a complete story with a beginning, middle, and satisfying end. Your descriptions are dazzling, your prose crisp and crackling, and the narrative pace is brisk and engaging. Your take on the heirachy of heaven and hell is original and clever. I especially liked how Alastor, this all-powerful demon, was given a moment of pause by Michael and sardonically ponders his options as pertains to his superiors. As a story, this is supreme entertainment, but there was something else I wanted to laud in addition to it, and that will proceed in the next section.

POETS ARE THE BEST FICTION WRITERS
As I mentioned in the last review, your fiction writing gains its crispness and universality because you are a master of symbolic language. The way you put your words together in prose is just as important as in poetry, and you do this extremely well. So well, in fact, that I want to pull out some examples of the "crackle" your prose offers a reader.

"...as well as she knew the lines that mapped the years on her hands."

"...the intricate dance of fog..."

"...the dark splotch that was playing hide-and-seek with the mist."

"Fingers of wind parted the gauzy air..."

"...the mist closed like a billowing sail, carrying him away."

"Hope blazed like a beacon..."

"...like a cold unearthly fire..."

"...a voice like crushed glass..."

It takes skill to write like this, and I daresay, much talent. It is a recognition by you that to best paint a scene for a reader, you have to use colors they are familiar with, sharp imagery that they can picture in their mind to transport them to where you want them to go. I kept one here for the end to illustrate my point best: "The name came out in a huff of air, as though she had been hit in the stomach." Anyone who has ever had the wind knocked out of them would be able to picture exactly how she said his name.

OPENING YOUR STORY
You had me at "hello." In other words, you nailed your opening paragraphs, the perfect balance between action, setting, pace, and characterization. We know Bertie almost immediately, and we feel for her as she sits and questions her sanity and ponders buying a dog to cover the many times she talks to her dead husband. It cannot be stated enough how important an opening to a story is, for it creates a reader's disposition toward what they are reading. If you don't get them here, even if you do later, some good will will be lost in the delay. Well done, my friend.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
As perfect as this entire offering is story-wise, there were but a few tiny hiccups that can make the work perfect grammatically. Here is what I found:

"She had turned 40 [forty] in the spring, but the last few years had aged her beyond the mere passage of time."

Common literary style is to spell-out numbers instead of using numerals.

"She held a steaming mug of coffee, occasionally sipping the dark[,] bitter brew."

Coordinate adjectives, again.

"The water seemed to cleave[,] forming an inky[,] misshapen mass."

This dangling participial phrase should be offset with a comma, and at the end of the sentence is another set of coordinate adjectives.

"Candent lines crisscrossed her body as[,] layer by layer[,] flesh was dissected and left to hang."

"A brilliant light cast the smoldering chamber in stark relief[,] and Alastor withdrew his eyes[,] although it did little good."

"The light seemed to be every where [everywhere], penetrating everything."

"Enough!" commanded Michael, stopping Alastor in mid[-]protest."

"Funny how similar they are ... neither has much tolerance for other,s [others'] mistakes."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Other than the above edits, I don't see anything at all major I would change about this excellent story. Here are two small suggestions for you to ponder.

Suggested Reword: "The sun was melting the night with nascent colors patterning the horizon."

"The sun was melting the night with nascent colors, blending along the horizon." Reading "patterning" as a verb slipped me up as I read.

The only structural problem I had was how the scene changes from Bertie's point of view to Alastor's and then back to Bertie again. I might suggest two chapter-breaks, one after Bertie is consumed and then another as she wakes up. This makes the transition into another setting and point of view much less confusing.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"Beatrice McAllister, known affectionately as "Bertie" to friends and family, loved this time of the year and this time of the day.

Very effective opening!

"This was her quiet time – her time for reflection. Sitting on the front porch of the old farm house, she gazed out over the stubbled remnants of the fields and was struck by how it seemed to mirror her life. The growing parts were gone; only the dormant earth remained."

I pulled out the next section as well because this is just the prose equivalent of melting butter on hot French toast, savory and smooth. I particularly like how she compares the fallow fields with her life, devoid of life, barren.

I like this story so much that I have decided it needs to go into "Invalid Item"

and be awarded.
(By the way, this doesn't count toward the others I will be giving as part of the package you purchased. This works deserves its own reward regardless!)
Reviewing your wonderful stories has been a pleasure, Ken!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D,
Rising Stars, The Poetry Contest Corner, Rainbow Writers,
The Boiler Room, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

66

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3641235

Review of A Geometric Hymnal

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Cupid's Bow Review
by PatrickB
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Greetings Liam

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:
This was a tough decision, to be honest. When I found out I would be your review buddy this month, I spent a long time browsing your portfolio looking for what I wanted to review. I have already enjoyed and reviewed your excellent poems "The Cobbler" and "A Magic Lamp" and it was not easy to pick another out of the dozens of excellent poems you have written. I settled on this one because abstract philosophy is one of my favorite subjects, and I love everything about this poem.

OVERALL SENSE:
This is esoteria at its finest, my friend, and it makes me giddy to wade into it. I can feel little buzzers in sections of my mind going off, tapping into stores of knowledge that I have gleaned by reading the dialogues of Plato and the metaphysical experiments of Aristotle, studying the life and discoveries of the Greek mathematicians Euclid, Pythagoras, and Ptolemy, and explained in one of the best philosophical summations of all, Richard Tarnas' The Passion of the Western Mind. This educational schemata I have created was tickled to activity by your wonderful poem. To understand it completely, one has to make the assumption that your line-intersections are, in fact, "divine," and the ability to choose our destiny is what creates the universe (more on this below). This relationship between spatial geometry and metaphysics -- whether literal or metaphorical -- is nothing if not immensely poetic.

CONVENTIONS:
I want to spend some time elevating this as a poem before I continue with my interpretation of it as abstract philosophy. Your rhythm is by far one of the most sonorous and enjoyable of any I have read in a long time. A swirling mixture of syllable-counts (13, 14, or 15) still make for a patterned, structured pulse to the poem. Because your lines are so long, and many of your words are multi-syllabic monsters ("singularity," "capability," "necessity," "geometry"), you are able to create an exquisite rhythm that does not rely on syllable counts, but instead adheres to the vocal peculiarities of an oral recitation where true symmetry can be found within metric feet. That is where this really shines. In addition, your perfect end-rhymes are just as integral to this poem's pleasing conventional structure.

METAPHYSICAL POETRY:
Metaphysics is a branch of study which attempts to explain the nature of reality and existence; poetry, of course, is a form of literary art in which language is used for its aesthetic and evocative qualities. You have used the latter to dive into the former and have done so with excellent insight and clarity. I have spent many years developing the metaphysics of my fantasy world, and dimensions of consciousness are how I handle dreams, the afterlife, gods, and the mind. The word dimension has two meanings that we are all familiar with, the first being how it is used in mathematics to describe how something's mass relates to its spatial observability, and the second used mostly in mysticism to describe other domains of consciousness. You have encompassed both definitions in this poem; in fact, it could be argued that these two definitions of dimension and how they relate is the central premise of the poem. Your title echoes this as well, recalling the mathematical definition as well as the mystical one. I cannot continue to get into my interpreation of this excellent poem or this review will be the longest I have ever written (and that is saying much for one as longwinded as I am), but I would like to mention briefly how you unite the concept of the continuum, the theory of opposites, and the idea of free will (choice) into a massive statement about how the universe gains its shape. With this line, you attain poetic brilliance:

"Since every line contains a point of choice that is divine,
Then every plane must intersect somewhere along this line.
It's clear to see if every plane is thusly intertwined,
Necessity demands a third dimension be defined."

In this stanza is where you marry your two definitions of dimension to the most concise and poetic effect. I also want to mention in passing your use of deductive and inductive reasoning -- also famed Greek creations -- in your lines. With each passing line, I feel as if I am reading a rhyming dialogue of the self-evidence of the Forms or the qualities of Plato's philosopher-king. Whoever taught you ancient philosophy -- if there was one at all -- would be very proud of this work, Liam!

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
I found nothing at all in these areas that needed your attention, but I really did not expect to. You have revealed yourself to be a very good editor and a careful writer.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I might suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference. I would like to offer you my services for free to create an image that you can use to head this excellent work. I was thinking something Euclidian and Greek, geometric and bold. All you have to do is say "yes," and I will create an image, and email it to you.

Lastly, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINES:
"All throughout the universe we see this truth declared.
There is no singularity for everything is paired."
This is one of my favorite couplets for rhythm and rhyme; it is an excellent way to open your poem, with such a sonorous word-chain.

"And since divine must be a line, then it is my contention,
This understanding by default, creates the next dimension."
Here is another of your strong couplets parading itself in beautiful rhythm and rhyme. I also like the internal rhyme of "divine" and "line" in the first line and the way in which both lines are broken by commas in the middle.

CONCLUSION:
I am quite enamored of this poem, Liam, for many reasons, most of which I have described above. You can't go wrong with me by attempting to collide metaphysics with poetry. I am adding this to my document "Invalid Item" as a new gem I will return to again and again. Thanks for sharing your immense talent with us!

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D.,
Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, Rising Stars, The Poetry Contest Corner,
and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

67

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14 days may be credited.

#3639620

Review of The last goodbye

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings, Gold General Leila

It is my pleasure to review your personal essay "The last goodbye"

as is entitled
to the highest ranking general in The Curse of the Green Witch Raffle Event

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE
This brief tribute to your beloved grandpa is touching and pulsing with real emotions. It must have been cathartic for you to have written it, an exorcising of demons swirling around in your mind concerning his sudden death. That is one of the great things about writing: it forces one to come to terms with a loss and organize thought-patterns and schemas surrounding the memories of the person, both good and bad. Overall, your instincts for what is important in this essay are on the right track. You speak of the accident, the return for his funeral, and the fact that it took a while for it to settle in for you. What the essay lacks -- and I will go into this more below -- are more details and an advanced narrative structure that will make your essay as interesting as possible to all readers who wish to know more about your wonderful grandfather (O avo or opa ? Because you don't describe where you were coming from -- Brazil? -- or where you went -- Germany? -- I had to use what I know about you and your clues about the seasons to guess which. More on this below.)

USING THE "FEATURE LEAD" APPROACH TO ESSAY-STRUCTURE
It may seem obvious that a personal essay would rely on chronological order to create the greatest effect. This is just not often true, however. A personal essay needs to begin at a point of maximum interest, to draw a reader into what is being retold. This is the same approach used in jounalistic "feature" stories. If I were writing a story about a musician who had been on top of the world with his music, nearly died from drug overdose, and then redeemed himself through meditation, I would not begin the story at the very beginning ("Bam Buggerson was born in ...") nor would I necessarily begin at the lowest point in his life ("The dose of heroin Bam Buggerson injected on January 11th, 2002 almost killed him"). Where I would start, probably, is where Bam was now, where in his life he had reached, because sometimes in biography we, as readers, should know the end first and then learn how the person got there. It may seem counterintuitive to begin a story at the end, but we should always be looking for structures that can tell the story in the best way possible, and we should never restrict ourselves by a blind devotion to a chronological ordering of events. Never do I want you to think that the death of your grandfather is not interesting or worthy of being told, but as an essayist, you have to ask yourself what story you're telling. From what I just read, you are not telling your grandpa's story, you are telling how his death affected you. Suggestions for opening sequences would include the funeral or a discussion of the fact that your relatives were strangers to you. His actual death and the details are crucial, but should be in the middle not the beginning or end. Here is an interesting exercise that one of my university professors taught me. When you have finished the first draft of a personal essay, take the last couple sentences you wrote and put them at the beginning and see what happens. I am going to do that now, with your last two sentences:

"For a long time, whenever I visited my grandma, someone was missing. He will always be missing."

Now, what did that do for us? I think we found your opening sentence, actually. I don't like the combination of the two at the beginning, but I love the first one as an opener. "For a long time, whenever I visited my grandma, someone was missing" is a stellar opening sentence. Concise, poignant, chock-full of information for the reader ... it creates instant tension and questions (who is missing? why?). All writers want to finish strong, and they often come up with their strongest statements and imagery at the end, after they have organized the events in their mind while writing. Unfortunately, many excellent endings are never read because the writer didn't use an equally strong opening.

DETAILS MAKE YOUR ESSAY UNIQUE
Your essay has some excellent general statements, almost as if you are setting this out as template for what you want to say. What we need for the most effective essay is more details -- specific imagery, anecdotes, impressions, snatches of conversation. By doing this, you can also fix the most glaring problem with your essay, which is its length. By restructuring and adding in more details, you can lengthen your tribute to your grandfather's death to a piece worthy of its place in your life. I want to point you to two very good personal essays by Carol St.Ann 👓

. The first, "A Madison County Event"

, describes losing a dear friend. In "A Fish Story"

, she describes when her husband tried to teach her how to fish. The details revealed in these two essays are what is most memorable for me. That personal touch -- whether it is with ironic humor and charming modesty as Carol uses or with subtle symbolism and tear-jerking poignancy -- is what makes an essay outstanding and memorable for a reader.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/SYNTAX:
There were a few things I saw concerning syntax, totally understandable for an author who speaks English as a second (third?) language. Here is what I found:

"'Head wound[s] bleeds a lot. People get worried. That's all.'"

"The [R]eality lost its substance."

"I was watching a movie about a girl who just had [just] lost her grandpa."

"I half[-]expected to find my grandpa at his home."

"I have no recollection of packing, getting into the car, traveling, but I must have done that, [for] I could not just appear 400 km (248 miles) away."

There needs to be a coordinating conjuction to avoid this becoming a run-on sentence.

"Our places in the car haven't changed; they are [have been] the same for more than three decades."

"...thus, even my [closest] relatives but the closest were strangers for [to] me."

"We had moved from a land where the day[-]length changed little ..."

"I couldn't see my own face, but I must have been starring [staring] wide-eyed at those strangers coming and going."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

As I spoke a bit about opening structure, I also want to speak about paragraph structure. Consider making your paragraphs shorter and breaking them up in more logical places. Quotes and their surrounding descriptions might better be left isolated in their own graphs.

"...400 km (248 miles)..." I put this in this section because I am not sure what international style is concerning writing out numerals in essays. If I were writing this, I would use "four hundred kilometers (248 miles)" according to literary style. This is just a suggestion. You might look up the rules according to which publication style you wish to use.

As I mentioned before, you never give specifics as to which areas of Earth you are leaving and returning to. You attach a lot of symbolism to the fact that you are a stranger in the land of your grandfather. We as readers would like to know which places you describe that have such different seasonal weather patterns.

"The pale serene face could have been made of wax." I was not sure whose face you were describing. I realized after a bit that it was a description of your grandfather's face, but it wasn't immediately clear to me. For some reason, I was thinking it was your face.

Consider capitalizing all the words in your title unless you have a specific reason not to. Poetic license is often taken in this style-mandate, but I cannot decipher the reason you have not in this instance.

FAVORITE LINE(S)

"Strangers they were to me, both the people and the land."

This is an excellent sentence. I like how you have inverted the direct object and the subject. Very effective!

"The trip, the meals, the place where we slept, I can't remember."

I like the structure of this sentence as well! The inversion just sounds right, as does the way you tick off the details of the things you can't remember.

Thanks for your community spirit, General Leila!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Rainbow Writers, I.N.K.E.D,
The Boiler Room, Rising Stars, The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3630602

Review of Pearls of Writing.com

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Gold General Leila

Avurgus, here again!
*gnaws on turkey leg-bone*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

I am still sniffing around your port!

Speaking of sniffing, nobody go into the general's bio bock for about 35-45 minutes.
Whew! Somebody light a match! Sorry, my leige-lady! It's just the dawg in me ... *howls*
You recruited me and led me on the field of battle and I have stopped by to take a look a couple of your items.
This review of "Pearls of Writing.com"

comes as part of my purchase-price in "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one werewolf's opinion.
Take what you can use but toss to the wolves what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, contributing to this wonderful community, leading armies, and throwing Avurgus chicken bones when he's having the moon-sweats!

Showy-Things:
They don't let Avurgus review items that require a lot of thinking and interpretation. They say it's because my mind is half-dog, but I think it's just because I drink too much *hiccup* Avurgus doesn't mind, though. We all know who they call when there are evil witches about, right? Anyway, it's my pleasure to comment on this document because it shows Avurgus that you are not just about blood and battle. You have a giving side as well, a side to you that likes to help others and display their work for others to see. Avurgus admires this quality, because he can't seem to figure out how to care that much about other people. I've been around, and I've seen this idea put to good use in many other ports. Avurgus looks at this link in your portfolio like a great big tree that us wolves would use to spray our scent. You come upon it and sniff and see that Billy-Bob and Percy were around yesterday, and that they had snagged a deer. People come into your port and are able to see what you liked and can go there if they want to read for themselves ... well, it's not really like the big tree comparison at all ... see what happens when Avurgus tries to use figurative language? All I know is that the system of bestowing awards on items written by others is a great way to find and keep friends. There's a word ... what? Oh yeah, networking. Thanks Zelikar. Zelikar's about to take over the computer, and he kinda helped Avurgus out with that one. We all took the time to look at all the items you have featured as your "pearls," and we agree whole-heartedly. The only thing we would like is for you to search for more, for you have great taste in what's good. I am sad to end this computer-session. *whimpers* It's been my pleasure to take the field of battle with you and also to visit your portfolio. Sorry again about the big poo in your bio block. If you leave it there for a few weeks, it will petrify and you can put it up on a shelf as a memento from Avurgus. Like a wilting rose, the scent will fade, but you can look at it and remember nonetheless ...*reaches for box of Kleenex*

Goodbye, my lady general!

Your Loyal Mercenary Lycanthrope,
Avurgus

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3626858

Review of BAD FRUIT

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Greetings, Itchy Water~fictionandverse , fellow Rising Star!

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It is my privilege to review your story "BAD FRUIT"

as part of "Random Thoughts and Cares"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS:
My choice to review you as my Rising Star this month stems from the fact that you spend so much time reviewing others and are so generous with your time. I found your portfolio to be very interesting, and I latched hold of this retelling of the most famous tale of the exploits of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. I hope that some of my advice to you here may help you to edit and expand it.

OVERALL SENSE:
The story of the forbidden fruit so permeates our culture and society that it may very well be the most famous story in the world. In fact, the Greek tale of Tantalus (where we derive our word "tantalize") echoes Woman's temptation in not getting the fruit. Philosophically, I found it very interesting that we always want more that which we cannot have, and you seize about that truism in describing why Woman chose to ignore the dove's advice and take the fruit. Your retelling has much potential, but as I will describe below, there are some basic changes that need to be made for it to reach maximum readability. I considered not choosing this item because it does have some issues, but I figured I would see what I could locate for you in hopes of helping. The story is worth a thousand retellings, in my opinion, and yours has value as well.

NO ENDING? (THE DILEMMA OF FLASH FICTION):
I have to say that the mistakes that I have found are easily fixed, but what it needed even more is an expansion into something resembling a true story. You begin in medias res ("in the middle of things") with the serpent tempting Woman; why the meeting of the serpent, Woman, and the dove even occurs in the first place is not described to open the story. There is no establishing statement at the beginning. The story then proceeds very well into Woman's temptation, her theft of the fruit, and what happens when she gives the fruit to Adam. Your story ends at the moment of climax, when God curses them; sometimes that can work in flash fiction, but in this instance, a denouement is needed, some kind of statement that wraps up what has happened and sends the reader away satisfied.

DIALOGUE ATTRIBUTIONS:
In many of the conversations in your story, you have not punctuated the dialogue attribution properly. Take a look at these instances:

"...like gods.' The serpent baited the young woman."

"...now naked?' The man accused."

"...us naked.' The man ordered."

"...know.” They cried together."

When you have an attribution, you end the quote with a comma inside the mark and do not capitalize after. Here is how these dialogues should look:

"...like gods,' the serpent baited the young woman."

"...now naked?' the man accused."

"...us naked,' the man ordered."

"...know,” they cried together."

DRAFTING:
I am of two minds as I write this review. I know you to be an excellent reviewer, a knowledgeable copy editor, and a creative, talented poet. There are two schools of thought concerning one's portfolio, I have noticed. One idea is that we should draft items and put them in our ports for people to help us with, even if the items are fresh and raw. Another approach is to navigate the draft-cycle ourselves, make our items as good as we possibly can, and then upload them as a showcase of our talent and skill. I make sure I understand which approach a member is using before I am too hard on them for what I am reviewing. My approach is to always try and make the item the best I possibly can before I let anyone see it; there is often plenty I didn't notice when I get reviews, even so. Where my two minds come from, in this instance, is that I feel as if I being harsh, taking a piece you may not have edited or corrected and making a review of it. I just wanted you to know that I hold you in the highest esteem, and it would be cowardly of me to have skimmed over this piece for something more polished just so that I don't offend anyone. Consider how you want your items to appear for general consumption in your portfolio. If you wish your drafts to be reviewed, you might consider indicating it is an early draft in the subject-line.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
In addition to the dialogue punctuation, here were a few things that caught my eye that are easily fixed:

"'Sure[,] you can eat it. He only said that because He knows what will happen. When you bite into it[,] the eyes of the worlds will be opened unto you, and you'll be like gods.'"

"She couldn't resist her curosity [curiosity] any longer."

"She saw no immediate reaction, so she begain [began] to taste the lushious [luscious] fruit she held in her hand."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Suggested Reword: "Yet, she continued to ponder upon the things the serpent had told her."

"Yet, she continued to ponder over the things the serpent had told her."

There was one more major problem with this draft. About halfway through, you switch tenses from past to present: words like "accused" and "confessed" begin to be written "appears" and "stands." You then revert back to past tense at the end with "bawled" and "cried." You can fix this simply by picking one tense and sticking to it throughout.

The other area that I might suggest improvement is in the presentation of the item on the page. This might include placing the title above the work itself (even though it appears at the top of the page), adding a provocative image of Adam and Eve or the Garden of Eden, and increasing the size of the font used for better readability.

Almost all of the problems with this draft are very easily solved with a quick once-over. Misspellings, tense-shifts, and punctuation are never fatal to any work. When you have completed those menial tasks, what should be addressed is whether you wish to expand this into a proper story, with a suitable opening and a satisfying denouement.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"Before she ate her piece, she wanted to test it on her husband first. 'Man, I have some fruit for you.'"

Haha! I thought it was priceless that you showed Woman as unscrupulous by giving the fruit to Adam to taste-test first; what is it that you are saying about women, Deanna? It reminds me of a quote from one of my short stories, which said: "'Because you're the boy. In all the stories, the boy opens scary doors while the girl waits a safe distance away.'" I am glad to see that the very origin of that notion can be traced all the way back to the First Man and First Woman. However, ask Mandy

what happened the other night when a big crunchy cockroach got into the house? Scary doors, my foot! I squealed, she killed ... I hereby declare chivalry officially dead!

"The dove swoops down by the woman and says, 'Don’t say I didn’t warn you.'"

I love that the dove is petty! Nice, humorous touch!

Thank you in advance, Deanna, for accepting my criticisms!

As I said above, I have much respect for you and your skill, and I only wish to help.
I truly hope you take these suggestions and critiques in the spirit of helping which was my intention.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D,
Rising Stars, The Poetry Contest Corner, Rainbow Writers,
The Boiler Room, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

70

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14 days may be credited.

#3612228

Review of A Madison County Event

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Carol St.Ann 👓 , fellow Rising Star!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

It is my privilege to review your story "A Madison County Event"

as part of "Random Thoughts and Cares"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE THIS ITEM:
I remember way back last December when I was constructing your quiz for the now-defunct Ivy's Portfolio Quizzes that I loved this personal essay and wanted to give it a review. Somehow, I never got around to it, but I am here today to rectify that oversight!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a touching personal narrative driven by fascinating anecdotal stories, crisp descriptions, ironic wit, and poignant remembrances. It also does much -- like personal narratives should -- to spotlight the character of its author. Reviewing something like this is not easy, as it is already presented in a near-perfect serving. What's left in these instances is to laud the author and explain what was liked the most, and that is exactly what I intend to do!

THE COMPLETE PERSONAL NARRATIVE:
As mentioned above, what makes this so pleasantly digestable is that you do it exactly right. You latch hold of a subject (Connie), explain the subject's relationship to you (cherished friend), recall and relate a memorable event (the practical joke), and bring the reader back to the present at the end, revealing Connie's death and your fond memories of her. This template would work with just about every subject and would work excellently every time. Many authors who collect their memoirs for mass consumption (or at least those with a readership at all) realize that no one is particularly interested in the chronology of one's life; not to mention the fact that life itself, while interesting, moving, and hectic at times, is mostly filled with hour-upon-hour of mundane happenings that have no more significance than how many times I started my car last week. To make a fascinating and relatable memoir, an author must make it topical, not chronological, and that is exactly what you have done. This would slide in nicely in your collected memoirs about how you value your friendships, your addiction to reading and writing and discussing, and how well you have been able to take a well-meaning practical joke, a skill not everyone has the grace to pull-off.

CONVERSATIONAL TONE:
The best quality of this piece other than its satisfying completeness is your tone. It reads like you are telling it to us verbally. Your use of ellipses does much to create this, as does your self-effacing humor. Taking this as a measuring stick for a longer work, I believe that your memoirs would be very readable and interesting to all readers. It is definitely something you should consider!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't see any errors in these areas. Very good job!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

There was one format suggestion I might make, and this is concerning your page-breaks. Maybe an emoticon or something would make it easier to know when you are moving to a new section of the essay. As it is, using only an extra line makes us wonder if one section is actually attached to another or not.

As mentioned above, it seems quite possible that a collection of your memoirs -- in topical format like this one -- would be hugely successful. Your wit and conversational way of writing would be a great hit. I have no doubt that you have had a life worth retelling, and with your insights and instincts concerning its universal significance, reader-enjoyment would be assured.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"We'd meet at least once a week for lunch and about twice a month for dinner to chat about our hobby, uh, passion, uh, obsession...all right, addiction."

At first, I was thrown off by your use of so many ellipses in this sentence, but they quickly grew on me. This is a clever sentence where your personality come shining through.

"She does not know me at all, I fretted. ...And after all this time together, talking books... Go figure..."

It is in this moment where I felt your closeness to Connie the most. You related excellently how her misjudging your interests and what you would like wounded you.

"In order to read the perfect book, one must be completely unconstrained and have all significant creature comforts close by. This was going to require that I brew a large pot of tea. I freshened up the sugar bowl and sliced a plump, fresh lemon. Then I selected my favorite mug from the cabinet and made up a tray to take to my study. I strategically placed it on the table next to my reading chair. Next, I turned off the phone and the computer. I selected Bach to accompany my read and inserted several hours' worth into the CD player. My favorite fuzzy throw was the last item on my list. I picked it up and made my way to the sanctity of my favorite chair for a reader's version of an afternoon delight."

I normally do not excerpt such a large section of someone else's work, but I couldn't pick any one sentence out of this wonderful paragraph to spotlight. Your short, succinct sentences give the impression that you are ticking off a self-evident checklist that everyone should understand and follow -- of course, these are the things we need to enjoy a book! Devouring a book is a spiritual experience that the uninitiated (or the people pushing the conveniently impersonal Amazon Kindle) will never understand. It is about the story, but also about the book in your hands, the smell of the pages, the small jolt of pride you get as you close it to check your progress of pages. Handling the book itself becomes part of the experience, and as you so aptly describe, the atmosphere also plays an integral part in the devouring of a good book. By the way, classical is always a good choice to while away the hours with words!

I have always been a big fan of yours, Carol. I think it is because you are a genuine person, and that is a rare trait to have in an online friendship. You are a supportive, pleasant spirit for all of us who know you, and I am sure Connie felt the same way.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive,
I.N.K.E.D, Rising Stars, Rainbow Writers,
The Poetry Contest Corner, The Boiler Room,
and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

71

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3598600

Review of Soft Hands

Review by PatrickB

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Ye Olde Treasure Chest O'Port Love
Auction Package Review #5

Greetings, Tranquil Reaper I am here to review your poem "The Crystal Asylum"

It is my privilege to fulfill the package you bid on in the "Invalid Item"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE
The downward spiral into psychotropic madness has got to be one of the most frightful descents, for it remembers normalcy the entire way. Many attempt drugs to enhance perception; the key is to experiment with caution and moderation. Your narrator has a problem. He/she has not heeded the need for moderation, and is instead a slave, caught in the maelstrom where no amount of will can force an escape. Highs and lows, ups and downs -- where the high shrinks each time and the low deepens -- characterize the trap of hard drug-use. You have captured this see-saw dichotomy well in this excellent poem.

CONVENTIONS
Your rhythm is slightly off in places. Mastering metric feet and what sounds right is important to making our poems perfect. I am sure you can hear where your lines' cadence may be off. Be especially careful of words like "Salvador," "ecstasy," and "misery," which are *dactyls and excellent at hindering a rhythmic flow. Your rhyming pairs are very good, original and sonorous. The imagery of the poem is where it shines, as you create a pleasing train of passionate words. I particularly like your metaphor of the narrator's will with a "broken umbrella," which I think is apt.

*dactyl -- a stressed syllable followed by two unstressed ones, as in FLUT-ter-ing or BLUE-ber-ry.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING
There were just a couple of misteps in these areas. Because you use punctuation throughout your poem, it must remain consistent and cannot rely on poetic license.

"Coiling through my mind[,] its essence tainting,"

"As I resist to offer an impaired surrender[?]"

"For all my travail[,] I can’t stop the pain,"

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT
I take suggesting rewords very seriously. I never wish to step on a poet's unique ideas for a poem. This being said, sometimes I do have a suggestion that I believe will work as an improvement. Please never be shy in discarding these suggestions if they do not apply to your vision of the work.

Suggested Reword: "As a broken umbrella won’t prevent the rain."

"As a broken umbrella won’t protect from rain." For this metaphor to compare perfectly it must be pointed out that even a functional umbrella does not prevent rain, but only protects someone from it.

Reread your poem aloud and listen for words and lines that interrupt your rhythm. Some simple removals and additions can really make a huge difference.

I also offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S)

"Kaleidoscopic splashes of illuminated delight,
Dance from the shadows in prisms of light."
--This is just a beautiful couplet. The rhythm and imagery are wonderful!

Captain's Log: A viscious storm blasted 'round as I contemplated the maelstrom of drug-use. Sometimes I wonder at the sense of humor of the cosmos to provide such synchronicity in life. In case you were wondering, I had two barrels of North Carolina tobacco spill over the side, lost forever. I hope the loss will be covered, for I just last month switched insurance companies. In any event, with the ship a little lighter and my heart a little heavier, I set out next to contemplate your touching tribute to your mother, "Soft Hands"

. I will visit again soon!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive,
I.N.K.E.D, The Boiler Room, Rainbow Writers,
The Poetry Contest Corner, Rising Stars and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3591522

Review of A Pixie Wonderland

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Dave

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
The Spenserian sonnet is a sonic upgrade from its more famous English form, in my opinion, and yours is excellent. The comparison between the "flashing neon glare" and the more bucolic "tableau" of the "wonderland" you paint for us gives the sonnet a juxtaposition of images, adding weight to the statement in the last line of the fame of the place. As will be discussed in more detail in the next section, what lifts this sonnet above the ordinary is your imagery, a feast for the eyes cradled by the dulcet rhythms of a form that is in a class all its own.

CONVENTIONS:
Whenever I review a sonnet, I first make sure that it is a sonnet. My extensive research on the form has me confident that it is a stringent form that allows no brooking of its parameters, atypical variations aside. A sonnet must have fourteen lines, a patterned rhyme scheme, and be written in iambic pentameter.* If a prospective sonnet does not follow these guidelines, it cannot be considered a sonnet. Your poem overwhelmingly does ... and does so with flair. So, now that we have established that you have followed the form, we can look at your lesser conventions, which are like garnish. I particularly like the personification of the river as it sings a song for the pixies. Another facet of the form which I love is the sound of the rhyme doubling back on itself that we get with the second and third stanzas (as created by the scheme abab bcbc cdcd ee).

*iambic pentameter -- poetic meter that consists of five continuous iambs (to-DAY, duh-DUM) per line.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found nothing at all wrong in these areas. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference. Images abound of pixies and magical forest glades. Your poem is very good, and I would love to have a visual as well to enjoy.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Along enchanted banks, a playful pair
of pixies dance to songs the river croons.
Whenever sultry summer afternoons
oppress, they join their clan to dance and play
in sparkling waters, where the group communes
without restraint amid the cooling spray."
--This is my favorite section of the sonnet, where your words flow the strongest with sensual grace. The use of elision is effective in the 10th line, as is the -s sound alliteration of "...sultry summer afternoons / oppress..." Read this aloud and you will hear how sonorous it is!

I am excited to have been introduced to your poetry with your entries in "Invalid Item"

and look forward to reading more! Thanks for sharing your talent!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3581819

Review of In the Heat of the Dance

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, turtlemoon-dohi

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
If a poem has a physical counterpart, it would be the partnered dance. They mirror each other in many ways, and the poems about a dance are always built on passion, motion, and sexual energy (unless it is about the touching dance a father shares with his daughter at a wedding reception, and their ilk). This poem is no different, as it tries to find that motion and evocative flair in its structure. While not flawless, it is a quality effort and a good beginning.

CONVENTIONS:
As mentioned above, this poem tries to find the partnered dance within its structure. What I mean by this is that you, as the poet, have attempted to show with your choice of how the words are placed on the page, the chaotic yet teamed choreography of the subject you are writing. This is never the wrong approach. Any time a poet can achieve this level of figurative language, she is doing well and ahead of the game. Where I feel the poem lacks is in its imagery; in essence, what works is where the words are placed, but not so much the words chosen. I need to elaborate on something here. About fifteen years ago, there was a very excellent movie made called Boogie Nights. In this movie, Mark Wahlberg's character, a fallen prince in the pornography business, decides he can tanslate his sexual stardom to rock-and-roll stardom. There is a scene in that movie with Wahlberg's character recording a song called "Feel the Heat," and it is so horribly derivative that it qualifies as satire. Every time I hear the phrase "feel the heat" when speaking of anything other than volcanoes or towering infernos (or even campfires!), I cringe. This, my friend, is not a criticism of your poem, but an aside to show you how your phrases can have already been used, abused, and laughed at even before they come out of your mind onto the page. At all costs, avoid cliches and derivative imagery in your poems. Make them you own by showing us with your words a feeling/image we have never experienced before. There is much to like about this poem, much in the way it is formatted, in the way you have attempted to balance the structure. I particularly like how you indent to create a swaying motion as we read.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Due to the poetic license you take on your capitals and punctuation, I find nothing all wrong in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

As mentioned above, I believe your poem could do with a moderate rewrite where some of the more cliched phrases -- "feel the heat," "find the beat," and "one heartbeat" -- are reworded with more unique phrases.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Her black buttons leading down a white cotton dress
His curl on the brow, slick duck-tailed hair, cut to impress"
--This is excellent poetic description, painting a very vivid picture that is crisp and unmistakable.

Susan, thank you again for allowing us to read and enjoy your poetry. I enjoy your work immensely, and I hope I did not come off as too harsh in my criticism of your language in this poem. When I review, I am reviewing the poem at hand, not the poet! If you wish to have another go at this one and want me to look at it, please send it along in an email.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3581722

Review of TWELVE LABORS of HERCULES

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

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Greetings, DRSmith

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Reading one of your poems is always enjoyable. You have a tone that is quite comical and adds your original stamp on any topic you choose. Some poets use irony as a given, creating a tone that points to the humorous angle of whatever subject is tackled. This tone is on full display here, as we would expect. Your subject -- the epic story of Hercules -- is ripe for lampooning. Poor Hera! I bet she is somewhere old and decrepit on Mt. Olympus right now wondering how her enduring legacy as the goddess-queen of the Greek pantheon has been reduced to the jealous, vindictive wife of an insatiable bastard of a husband, the ancient equivalent of Hillary Clinton without the Secretary of State job.) You seem to have done your research well on the legend and fit it all into a short, pleasant poem to read.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme are in a class all their own. Some poets do this so effortlessly that one wonders if they do not speak and dream in ABAB quatrains! Your use of internal rhyme within the first and third lines of each quatrain is excellently done, never seeming forced. Cleverly, you remove your pronouns in some lines ("She addled brain, made temp insane,") to maintain the pattern of your rhythm and rhyme.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There was only one small thing I noticed:

"Time honored lore from days of yore"

"Time-honored lore from days of yore" In this instance, "time-honored" is a compound adjective modifying a noun and should therefore be hyphenated according to typical grammar rules. You, as poet, should choose which you prefer, of course.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
As I know you have heard me say to you before, I believe we should always revisit our poems often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say. Other than this advice, I have no other directives for improving.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"He sought repent with punishment
advised by deities.
“We Gods propose that king impose
twelve labors, Hercules."
--This verse, reminiscent of the excellent dialogue you used in your "How Moses Got the Ten Commandments," displays how well you handle rhythm and rhyme. I also love how you rhyme "deities" with "Hercules."

As our frontrunner in wins in the 29 weeks we have been featuring poems, you never disappoint. You are a great ambassador of our endeavor, and we enjoy bringing your poems back for review.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3574126

Review of Sonnet - A Melancholy

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Coyote Smith

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is an excellent sonnet all the way around. Although cryptic (pun intended!) and enigmatic in its literal meaning, it does reward careful scrutiny. After I read it the first time, I was befuddled as to its true meaning. It wasn't until I noticed the beginning of the second line did I discover the carefully laid simile that the entire sonnet becomes. Here we have a narrator who has missed an opportunity, and feels "as though" <insert the sonnet>. This is a very clever device, although you may find that you lose anyone who fails to see the simile. For originality and following the form, I give you props. For cryptic imagery and layered meaning, you also get props. For universal appeal, you may need to write a different sonnet.

CONVENTIONS:
Here again we have the sonnet, that Old World poetry-form that has the added-bonus of having Shakespeare's name attached to, automatically lending it legendary status. As I have said on a number of occassions, the difficulty with writing a sonnet is in keeping your lines within the strict rhythm of iambic pentameter. You do this very well. Your lines also each contain ten syllables each. There is a slight deviation from the norm at the bottom, where you attach the first line of your couplet (the 13th line) to the three quatrains, and dangle the last line. I searched and did not find any proscription against this deviation. I understand why you did it, because the 13th line goes with the lines above it. I also see how the last line (the thematic reproach of the entire poem) is better set off by itself. So, the verdict, here, is that this qualifies as a sonnet, and due to its cryptic nature, would also qualify as decidedly Shakespearian.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't see anything in these areas that needed your attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"In sighs and hissing spats of self-struck hate,"
--Wow, what great alliteration of the -s sound! The use of this convention here adds a layer of anger and power to the line that it otherwise would not have.

"...if only I had stopped to kiss your face!"
--As mentioned before, here is the thematic reproach of the poem, the moment where the narrator lays out his or her regret, giving the poem its moment of irony. I sense a man (or woman) who has come to a lonely place in life and sees with regret all the mistakes that led away from happiness and the fruition of potential. It is so true that we see life behind in panoramic vistas of squandered opportunities and carefully calculated misjudgments; deserts and swamps of discontent.

Thank you so much for sharing your sonnet with us and for the the mental exercise of figuring out the true meaning of your words. I do not say that as an insult, but instead as a compliment. All poetry should not be accompaniment to pop songs, after all! Let them have the bubble gum, and I will keep the quill and the thinking cap!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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