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675 Public Reviews Given
703 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
A review you purchase from me will always be proofread, thorough, and carefully considered. I try to strike a balance between encouragement and honesty. What you can expect from me is a discussion of what your piece said to me as I read it and strategies for what I thought could be improved. I also point out specifically any errors that I found in the piece (although if it is a repeating problem, I will explain this deficiency generally rather than try to fix each and every one). I always keep my reviews conversational and positive. I'm generous with praise, and I try to speak with confident authority in areas where I have some knowledge. I approach each review I do with the idea that the best way to help someone become a better writer is to model that behavior to the best of my ability. Reviews that contain multiple grammatical and/or spelling errors, present incomplete thoughts, or show a lack of effort do not send a good message to those receiving the reviews concerning my advice.
I'm good at...
Grammar, spelling, sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary (word choice), characters, dialogue
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama
Least Favorite Genres
Nothing really. I'll give anything a look.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Poetry, Personal Narratives and Essays
Least Favorite Item Types
Nothing really. I'll give anything a look, from contests to group pages to forums to activity rules. If you want someone to take a look at your activity and give it a review, let me know! I'll try to locate inconsistencies in rules and guidelines.
I will not review...
The only items I will not review through this system are novel chapters. I would much rather trade services and make you review mine as I review yours. If you are interested in setting this up, feel free to email me.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
"Weekly" Review

by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
How funny is this! There was an ambivalence the divided my mind as I read. Two sides, one that revelled in the humor and wondrous rhyme and rhythm, and one that was aghast at your stereotypical portrayal of some of the world's cultures. The side that wanted to laugh squashed the politically correct part. I heard a distinctive voice saying: "Shut up, nimrod! This poem is funny! Stop pooping on everyone's parade!" So, there! My ambivalence crushed under the weight of humorous impropriety, I may commense with lauding this instant classic without my "better" nature getting in the way.

CONVENTIONS:
What can I say about your style that I have not already said? In this instance, your skill at dialect and rhythm are in rare form. Your use of French and Spanish are perfect additions, flowing nicely with the poem. As I read, I stopped and tried to pronounce the foreign vocabulary perfectly so that I could enjoy your rhyme. Your penchant for such clever verse never ceases to amaze and entertain. I was particularly fond of how you set off the peoples' response in couplets. It helps the flow of the poem immensely.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found only one thing that I feel should be edited. I am not sure if you are taking poetic license with it, but I believe "moseyed" is more appropriately spelled "mosied." This is no big deal at all. I just wanted to bring it to your attention.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have only one small suggestion, and that is to italicize the foreign phrases for effect. It reads fine without it, but I believe it would be a nice touch.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

“Shalom, Bin Abdullah with thirty-ought wives,
I have here commandments to better your lives.
Your Imams of Islam would surely agree:
'thou shall not kill' can be made a decree?"

--This is my favorite part! Hilarious!

“Can’t diddle the dollies? Tsk, tsk, Sacré Bleu!
French savor such jollies, allez-vous, Mon Seigneur.”

--Ok, "diddle the dollies" had me in tears. Wow!

“Uh, free did I hear— you mean, nothing to pay?”
Moses stepped forth, “for the lot did you say?”

--I love this dialogue! It has the feel of the best work of Dr. Seuss!

*Yinyang*Wherever in the universe is stored the great heap of humor, you have a pipeline! Write on, my friend, and indulge your fans!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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102
102
Review of Nostalgia  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
"Weekly" Review

by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
To visit our enshrinees, please see:
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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Poetry, especially a short poem, is usually about a sentiment, something that gels and forms in a reader's mind after the poem is read and understood. This poem does this very well, and is helped along to that end by the inclusion of an excellent refrain that makes understanding easier. I very much like this sonnet-form. The inclusion of the refrain makes this an excellent form to express a single sentiment. Your sweet plea to look to the future and not dwell in the past is uplifting.

CONVENTIONS:
Your compliance with the mandates of the form are perfect. Because of the many instances of the -ed end-rhyme sound, you could have stumbled at your choices, but all of them work very well and do not seem forced. Your refrain is very touching by itself. A refrain that is a bit off or even unclear can become an annoyance to a reader, but yours is sonorous and well-written. It is also iambic, which helps us form a pleasing rhythm. Your other lines are fine if not perfectly iambic, and since there is no requirement of the form for them to be so, this is not an issue. As for imagery, there is just the right amount. The inclusion of the image with the photos is a nice touch, especially since the booth is mentioned in the poem.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see no issues here with your spelling or grammar.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I see nothing at all about this wonderful poem that I would suggest to improve it. I only offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Pictures of the past guard our booth,
They speak to us of age and youth.
Fear not; they praise the life we've led,
Let's cast a hopeful glance ahead."
--This is my favorite stanza! It sounds beautiful when read aloud. Your refrain works the best here as well!

*Yinyang*You are a wonderful poet, Jace! I am so glad that we have you in the "Passionate Mindscapes" fold so I can experience more of your talent!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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103
103
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Brooke is plotting. Author Icon
Your item "Are you giving quality reviews?Open in new Window. has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

SUMMARY
The author gives a valuable assessment of her own review philosophy and at the same time points readers to other items which may be helpful in developing their own.

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer

UTILITY
What is most striking about this work is the fact that it acts as a hub for specialized approaches to reviewing. Here one can find useful links to information on poetry, fiction elements, and grammar as well as the tried-and-true body of knowledge that can be gleaned from the veterans of this wonderful community.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
The document is broad and layed-out clearly. The only advice I would give is for the author to check the document periodically for items that have become invalid. This adds to the longevity of the piece and doesn't leave the reader feeling as if the work is outdated.

SAMPLE
"Reviewing is personal, let's face it. When we (as authors ourselves) create something, it becomes a part of us. When we write someone we've never met and give advice, that should be kept in mind. Putting yourself out there for the world to critique is an act of bravery. We want to be honest, but we also want to be respectful too."

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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104
104
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings, Sticktalker Author Icon
Your item "OMG, I CAN'T REVIEW!Open in new Window. has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

*Note* I will not be using the rating system for these reviews. All items will receive a 5-star rating. *Note*


SUMMARY
This is an essay that instructs those who feel as if they are not worthy of reviewing others. Conversational and autobiographical, this piece is chock-full of interesting points about reviewing.

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer

UTILITY
Along with this author's anedotal testimony of what it was like for him when he gave his first review, he also gives excellent advice on not only how to review, but criteria for choosing what to review. This is a valuable story of one reviewer's journey from newbie to veteran.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
This piece is graphically pleasing and organized well. The author uses a familiar style one will easily recognize as informal, i.e. text abbreviations and all capitals for emphasis. The title itself clues a reader in on the tone and style of the work.

SAMPLE
" 1. I assume the writer is a serious writer or I ignore the piece and move on to someone worthy of a serious review. By serious, I mean the author has passed two litmus tests: Test 1. He seriously wants to be published. Test 2, He makes it clear that what he has posted is nothing less than what he thinks is the "best" he can do."

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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105
105
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, NickiD89 Author Icon
Your item "How To Write an Encouraging ReviewOpen in new Window. has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

*Note* I will not be using the rating system for these reviews. All items will receive a 5-star rating. *Note*


SUMMARY
Whether you are a new writer or new reviewer, this is a thorough and comprehensive guide to some very important aspects of reviewing.

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer
Newbie Author


UTILITY
This item contains not only excellent general advice for reviewing, but also tips on reviewing poetry, evaluating the elements of a short story, a concise guide to rhyme and meter, as well as how to use the review tool to make your reviews as visually appealing as possible. This is an item that should be favorited by all newbies and referred to often. Even though this is geared more toward newer writers/reviewers, veteran reviewers would benefit as well from a read-through. Of special note is the concise guide to iambic pentameter and poetic meter; understanding of these aspects is a must to give quality feedback to those who create traditional poetry.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
This item is immaculately layed-out, with a very fresh and crisp appearance. Color and careful formatting make the item easy to understand and gives it a professional look.

SAMPLE
"It is vital to deliver negative comments in a way that is honest, and that the author receiving the review will find insightful and encouraging instead of insulting and disrespectful. Remember that the writer feels a sense of pride in his/her work, and that it is often difficult to recognize the faults in one’s own writing."

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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106
106
Review of The Dark Dance  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
"Weekly" Review

by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.


Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a perfect example of how a prompt can massage a poet's mind into visual artistry. This simple yet lovely piece reveals a skilled, quality poet at the top of his game. You use all the skills at your disposal to create a dynamic word-painting.

CONVENTIONS:
I am particularly enamored with your rhyme scheme, the difficult XYXY quatrain. It is not necessarily difficult to rhyme in this scheme, but it is a monumental task to have the end rhymes not seem forced. All of your rhymes flow nicely, not one instance where I felt as if you had missed the mark with your word choice. The rhythm is very nice as well, bouyed by your dynamic scheme. The imagery of the coming night on the coast blends nicely with the narrator's thoughts. It is as if you, as a poet, are truly sitting some distance back, "painting" the scene with words. I normally do not compliment a poet on his or her vocabulary, but I have to comment that words like "incandesce," "luminescent," and "nacreous" do so much for your rhythm. They are all very sonorous, as is revealed in this exquisite stanza:

"With patience I await the sparks
that coldly incandesce
the sky with luminescent marks;
a nacreous caress."


Now, read that aloud and take a bow. Perfect poetry! I would normally feature this in the last section, but I could not resist. This may very well be the best XYXY quatrain I have ever read in my life! And, alas! The subject? Nothing less than the stars, appearing as the sun sets. I am truly humbled, Ken!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all in this area that needs attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I take suggesting rewords very seriously. I never wish to step on a poet's unique ideas for a poem. This being said, sometimes I do have a suggestion that I believe will work as an improvement. Please never be shy in discarding these suggestions if they do not apply to your vision of the work.

*Questionv* Suggested reword: "leaving a darkened husk." *Right* "and leave a darkened husk." This seems more sonorous to me when I read it aloud. The comma-pause that is implied by the imperfect subjunctive verb phrase that begins with "leaving..." upsets the delicate iambic meter you have created.


*Questionv* Suggested reword: "celebrate all that they share" *Right* "who celebrate all they share". Like above, this seems more sonorous to me when I read it aloud, for "...celebrate all..." also upsets the delicate iambic meter you have created.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"The yawning chasm of the night
inhales the ebon sea."

--This is a wonderful image, showing brilliantly the growing darkness and its effect on the water. It is also iambic perfection.

You are a brilliant poet, Ken. I knew this before, and this only reinforces that opinion. Thank you for sharing your wonderful ability with us all!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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107
107
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A PatrickB Author Icon “FAVORITE AUTHOR” Review:
This review is of an author’s work I find particularly fascinating and worthwhile.
A PatrickB Author Icon “PATRICK'S FAVORITES” Review:
This review is of a work I am honored to include in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. under the description "Rod Serling -esque"

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS:
I was browsing through your portfolio for something to review, and I opened this story and just couldn't stop reading it.

INITIAL THOUGHTS:
Wow, what can I say? I'm sure Rod Serling (wherever he is) smiled in approval at you when you finished this story. If you had written this in 1961 and submitted it to Serling, I guarantee he would have had you convert this to a teleplay, and you would have been included in the wonderful writers of the original Twilight Zone. How do I know for sure? I have read over a dozen of the episodes converted to short story format, and this story is better than most of them. All suggestions that follow are what I would call "tweaks" to a nearly perfect and wonderful story.

*Bullet*OPENING PARAGRAPH/SEQUENCE:
Your opening is excellent, quickly building setting, character, and plot.

*Bullet*SETTING:
Jacob's house and property are perfectly described, and I saw the story play out within that very well.

*Bullet*POINT OF VIEW:
Your third person works very well, here. In fact, I think it is the best choice.

*Bullet*PACING:
Here is where the story shines. Pacing and description play a zero-sum game in our stories; what you give to one, you lose for the other. Finding the balance-point between these two elements is a must for a quality short story. You hit that balance perfectly. I moved along the story very quickly, led by your tightly woven plot.

*Bullet*DESCRIPTION:
Here again, your amount of description was just enough. You gave us exactly as much as we needed to visualize the scene but did not bog us down with long exposition. Your advanced writing skill helps in this, as you use dialogue, dense adjectives, and action to build character and setting. All of these keep the reader moving quickly and doesn't glaze the eyes.

*Bullet*CHARACTERIZATION:
You are careful not to stereotype Harley and Nolan. You could have, if they played a bigger part. I might only suggest a quirk for Harley that does not reek of southern hickness, something that the reader will not expect. For instance, I was born and raised in Kentucky (and until now, had never left it) and I hate NASCAR with a passion that borders on obsession. I also hate country music, line dancing, and just about anything "kuntry." What I am driving at, here, is that Harley does not have to be a 100% redneck. But again, this is a very minor part of your story, and this is only a suggestion. Jacob is drawn very well, from his obsessive behavior over his bonzai trees to his condescending manner of anything "hick." I would also pay a nod of appreciation to the kudzu as a character.

*Bullet*CLIMAX
Your climax is the perfect mixture of predictable and shocking, although those two things seem like a contradiction. I had a feeling as I read that the kudzu would have the final say, but up until the end, I didn't know it would be as drastic as it was!

*Bullet*DENOUEMENT
There is no denoument to speak of, and in this story that is okay. As I picture this as a teleplay, I would imagine that the camera would zoom in on a heart-shaped leaf, vibrating playfully, happy in the victory and the justice paid to humans who think they can control nature.

OTHER THINGS I LIKE:
*Notew* I love the title! It is perfect!

*Notew* The symbolism of this story runs deep on many levels. The contrast between Yankee and Southern ideals and particularly the feeling I got about the kudzu "rescuing" the tamed and controlled bonzai at the end is masterful!

*Notew* I love the way you build Jacob's character through his half-finished decor of area rugs and art.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/PUNCTUATION/SYNTAX:
There wasn't much here to speak of, as this has been very well edited already. I found only one instance of a typo:

*XR* "Creaks and groans filled the house as the vine lengthening and grew." I think you meant "lengthened."

SUGGESTIONS:
These next things are simple suggestions, or tweaks, as it were. Please remember that they are only my opinion, and you can keep or discard them according to your own vision of the story.

*QuestionBL* Reword suggestion: "The southern sun was already hot, drawing dew up into Georgia’s dense, summer air." to "The southern sun was already hot, drawing the morning dew up into Georgia’s dense, summer air." More specific.

*QuestionBL* Reword suggestion: "The sun shone bright out of a hazy, near-white sky." to "The sun shone bright within a hazy, near-white sky." The line preceding this one also has an instance of the prepositional phrase "out of." I think "within" is more precise anyway.

*QuestionBL* Reword suggestion: "...remained was a pile of leafy rubble on the ground." to "...remained was a pile of leafy shreds on the ground." I like the imagery of the battlefield in this sequence, but "rubble" implies to me something much more bulky and solid than leaves.

*QuestionBL* Reword suggestion: "Jacob stood rooted to the spot; his head dropped back and eyes agape." to "Jacob could not move; his head dropped back and eyes agape." The rationale for this suggestion is because of the nature of what is happening to Jacob. You use "rooted to" figuratively at this point, but because of what is happening, we as readers will read that literally. This adds a bit of confusion as the leaves of kudzu had not quite reached him yet at this point.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:
*Bullet*" Enough light spilled into the hall for him to avoid catching his toe on the framed artwork propped against the wall."
--This sentence does so much and proves your skill at storytelling. It conveys movement and action, provides setting, and reveals a bit of characterization as well.

*Bullet*"Jacob’s New York accent bounced in the air between them like an echo."
--Just wonderful writing! Bravo!

*Bullet*"He swung a leg over the mower’s seat like a cowboy mounting a mustang."
--I love the juxtapostion of Jacob's hatred of all things "country" and Southern and his actions described here. Excellent!

*Bullet*"Nolan raised his eyebrows and rocked back on his heels. 'I’d watch what I say, boy. They say kudzu done got ears.'"
--Here is the moment where your story blossoms, informing the reader (oh so subtly!) what is going to happen. This necessary element of foreshadowing is impeccable -- subtle enough and perfectly placed!

*Bullet*"He imagined he could hear the kudzu’s tortured screams as he dismembered the beast."
--This sentence is superb, adding to the growing personifcation of the kudzu. It also adds to Jacob's personality a sadistic streak that contradicts his love of the bonzai It shades his character just a bit and reveals that it is not the beauty of the bonzai that he loves the most, but the fact that he can control them. This is so important to the story, as it lends more creedence that he is getting his justice in the end.

Nicki, it is not often that I open up a port where I feel genuinely entertained as I would buying a book off of a shelf. Most of that quality is hidden from my eyes in hopes of being published, not because the talent of storytelling here is not that good. I have to say that you gave me a "free read" that I would have been happy to pay for. Because of this and because I just love this story, I am happily including this in my document "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. My respect for you as a writer and artist is assured, and I can't wait to read more of your stories.

Warmest Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..


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108
108
Review of From the ashes  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
"Weekly" Review

by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
To visit our enshrinees, please see:
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
This has the feel of a lament, maybe even qualifying as a dirge. I get the impression of aging and reflection over a long life. There is a sad quality to the poem, with the light of redemption and continuance at the end. While mournful, there is an element of acceptance in the tone, a subtle hint of transcendance beyond what may have once been valuable in life. I am mindful of a child who covets something but as she grows realizes that the item has no value to her any longer. The imagery of learning lessons is apt.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme are perfect and create a nice effect. I enjoy poems that end with a coda (as mine often do). This one rearranges the imagery to reflect the growth within the poem itself. We still have the fire, but this time the connotation is much more hopeful, creating the metamorphosis from despair to hope that marks the poem as quality. Although left unsaid, I get in mind the image of a phoenix, which, of course, is also made of redemptive flames. There is a dichotomy between what the narrator has learned and what he or she has not. What we get at the end, then, is a change of focus, from negative to positive, from pessimism to optimism. This is precisely where the expression finds its value. Also, I love the use of the word "forsaken" as opposed to "abandoned" or something less jagged. There is obvious blame being flung from the narrator at these people who have left him or her, and that makes a difference, proving how one word-choice can have such a immense bearing on meaning.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing amiss in this department. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Within the dying embers
of where a fire had burned
are all the sad reminders
of what I should have learned."
--This is my favorite stanza for rhythm and rhyme. It is an excellent way to begin an excellent poem!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Up until now, I have not read any of your poems, but I look forward to reading more soon!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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109
109
Review of Wondering Why  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
"Weekly" Review

by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.


I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
I get a sense of a narrator who is fighting with his- or herself to deny urges for a love that is probably not a good thing. We often are attracted to those things that are not good for us. I am not sure exactly why that is, but it surely does damage a lot of lives in a myriad of ways. In the beginning of the poem, the narrator describes how "lost" he or she is, but by the end of the poem, the tune has changed with the statement "Don't tempt me with your traitorous song!" My interpretation may be a bit off (since I have not read about the character this poem was written for), but this is my impression of the meaning.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme are good, although sometimes they feel a bit forced, as if you are balancing between free verse and rhyming couplets. Irregular end rhyme occurs with "more/adored" and "anon/song." I think this weakens the poem a bit, but this is just my opinion, of course. I also am not clear why you bolded "soul." I don't normally have any problem with this type of graphical convention, unless I can't figure out why. There may be a reason I am just not seeing. I like the symbolism of the lighthouse beckoning.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all wrong with your grammar. You do eschew end punctuation other than question marks, which you might consider in revision.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Believe it or not, I do really like this poem. I seem to be harping on some corrections, but only because I believe that this poem needs a little work to be quality. First, I am having a little difficulty with the title. I am not sure how it links with the message in the poem that I interpreted above. Of course, my interpretation may be off. You might also consider end punctuation to match your question marks, but this is just my opinion.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Ocean scenery, change of plan
Stubborn anger, hurried command"
--I love the cadence of this couplet. It almost becomes a quatrain with an ABCB rhyme scheme. Very nice!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! In the spirit of constructive criticism do I offer these opinions, dear friend, and I know you will take them as such. Until next time!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

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Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Those of us who have had our hearts filled with love and then had it voided can relate to this tragic poem. There is a period of healing that needs to be lived, and that period is merciless and painful. It is about this period of healing that you write so eloquently about. Surely a blue million stanzas have been constructed to the state of a broken heart, and yours can be added as a quality take on it.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme for the most part are excellent. There were a couple instances where I think your rhythm could be tightened up. There could be a few instances of some metaphors or similes, but they are not necessary. This poem works fine as it is. Your personification of "Misery" as your new friend is the type of figurative language that you could use to spruce this up if you so chose.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed just a couple small instances where you might want to edit:

*NoteV* At the end of the fifth stanza, you may remove the question mark as the sentence is not actually an interrogative.

*NoteV* In the seventh stanza, there should be a comma at the end of the third line as it separates two conjunctive, independent clauses. I only mention this because you have followed normal punctuation rules throughout except for here.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Misery, my new best friend.
I've lost the will to fight.
I can't go on, my mind is numb.
My chest is feeling tight."
--This is an excellent stanza for rhythm, rhyme, and figurative language -- one of the poem's best!

"My heart now hides behind a wall
to ache and beat alone."
--This sentiment is so true! How alone we feel as we construct a wall to protect ourselves after our heart is broken. Very apt!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I believe truly that you have captured well a moment that most of us have faced or will face. Your take on it reveals a quality poet! I look forward to reading more of your work.

Regards,
Patrick

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Review of Heart Garden  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB Author Icon
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
One who loves will always love; a lover will always be a lover. This is a curious expression which defines the nature of those who cultivate a heart full of love. There is much going on in this poem for one who takes the time to see. This is yet another winning endeavor of a quality poet.

CONVENTIONS:
First of all, I would like to comment on your rhythm and rhyme. Your scheme is ABAB in the first three stanzas, but then you revert to ABCB with the last three stanzas. I cannot find a metaphorical or figurative reason for this, and if there is no greater reason I am not seeing, I think that this detracts from the conventions of this poem. The end rhymes are very good, though, never seeming to be forced. There were a couple verses which I stumbled over from the rhythm, and I will address these below. Your theme of the "heart garden" is apt and well-described. You use many words for timeless, including "ageless," "eternal," and "immortal," and this gives the poem its message that a heart full of love goes on forever. I also like how you lend a magnetism to this type of heart; it pulls other hearts like it toward it, fulfilling its purpose and allowing the other heart to as well, as described in this verse: "Gardeners ever returning / Await for to be unfurled / Their own hearts as petals / Like the rosebuds in thy world." Lastly, and perhaps more importantly, is the idea that one does not harvest the roses in a heart garden too soon, but let them be, an undeniable sentiment that they are to be seen by others instead of cashed-in and consumed. Your overall metaphor of the love in one's heart as a garden of roses is very beautiful.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found nothing in your verses to comment on or edit. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There were a couple verses that I would like to lend my opinion on. Please take these as they are intended, just a reader offering a suggestion for improvement. Feel free to disregard these if you wish.

*Notev* You use the word "ageless" three times in the third and fourth stanzas. I might recommend finding synonyms for these words for flow, perhaps "perpetual" or "timeless."

*Notev* In the fifth stanza, I stumbled a bit concerning the rhythm. The lines seem to be a couple syllabic feet longer than the others, and this threw me off. I would recommend cutting a syllable or two from those lines while still retaining your meaning.

I also offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Gardens of heart n’er die,
Nor see a winter accursed,
Un-seasonal they lie,
Gladly to be dispersed."
--I think your first two stanzas are by far your strongest. The ABAB rhyme scheme really sets your verses apart, especially this one and the one that follows it. When you lose the scheme after the third stanza, the verses seem a bit weaker.


Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I hope you found my advice helpful. I enjoy reading your poetry and look forward to the next one!

Regards,
Patrick

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Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB Author Icon
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
There is never a more profound string of moments in life than those that are spent in solitary contemplation when being alone is the last thing we want. There exists a melancholy aura around us as we defend our mistakes, process our stresses, and scream silently our worth to a world that seems not to care. Your expression captures those moments eloquently and poetically, attempting to explain the unversal disconnect that has always made life just a little more difficult to live. You aptly describe these moments -- these bridges of consciousness that won't relent -- as "a lonely interlude," a phrase by itself that marks this poem as superior.

CONVENTIONS:
Your poetry is characterized by a careful attention to rhythm, and this one is no exception. I believe that the rhythm in this poem is the one convention that stands out the most. Clauses and phrases construct your stanzas, and you use commas to great effect to form cadence. I also think that the times when you use items in a series within one line, that the commas contained give your cadence a faster tempo, as in: "Thinking, waiting, cursing, hating ..." Caesura pauses are also used to build this excellent rhythmic feel. The rhyme is fluid if not quite rigid perfection, and that is okay. Use of assonance and personification round out your ample use of figurative conventions.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee can find no issues with your grammar, punctuation, or spelling. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have one tiny suggestion, but not of something that is wrong. In the first stanza, you are speaking of "loneliness" as the component of a metaphor, and then in the fifth stanza you personify "lonesomeness." I looked up the usage of these two words, and there doesn't seem to be any clear consensus to deviate their usage. What that means is that there is no grammatical reason why the two cannot be interchangeable. So, my reason for bringing this up is about preference. I would rather read "loneliness," because I stumble over "lonesomeness," wondering if it is even a correct noun-form of "lonesome." (It is, by the way.) My humble suggestion would be to change all instances to "loneliness." I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Loneliness – a shroud,
It calls to me aloud,"
--This metaphor, comparing loneliness to a shroud, is an excellent way to begin your poem.

"A lonely interlude."
--As mentioned above, this could be the concise theme of your expression. In fact, it would not go amiss if this became the poem's title or subtitle.

"Lonesomeness devours,
Eating at my heart,
Tearing me apart,
Constant stabbing, always grabbing,
No place to depart."
--This stanza is masterful personification of the antagonist of the poem, the disconnect you call "lonesomeness."

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I believe you are a very advanced, skilled poet, particularly with abstract imagery and your use of candenced rhythm. It is my pleasure to read and review you work, and I look forward to next time!

Regards,
Patrick

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Review of Orion's Keep  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB Author Icon
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
The irony of your narrative poem is tragic, moralistic, and educational all at once. There is much symbolism in the poem itself, but its best quality is as a story of greed, pride, resolve, catastrophe, and resolution. In fact, the story is so good, I think it would make an incredible short story, novella, or even a novel. Obsession has been convered well by Melville (Ahab) and Hemingway (Santiago), but it is such a wonderful aspect of human psychology that it could stand a few hundred more treatments in literature. Add your prospector to the mix, Ken!

CONVENTIONS:
Your quatrains are very well done. The only complaint I would have is that some of your lines are more or less than ten syllables, which breaks your rhythm just a bit. Of course, that all depends on how dependent you are on your rhythm and how precise you would like it to be. I will not lower your rating because of it, however. My favorite convention in your poem is your use of Orion as the driving force behind your prospector's obsession over his find. I am not sure if you realized some of the symbolic and historical pecularities of Orion that fit well with your poem. First, Orion was the son of King Minos, which was one of the richest of the mythological Greek kings. Orion is also by far the most recognizeable constellation in either the northern or southern sky, making your choice as the the guide for your prospector's find even more appropriate. Orion's role as the hunter is also well suited. He really adds a touch of mystical mythology to what could otherwise be a run-of-the-mill gold-digger story. I also like the coda of the first stanza as the last and the slight change that you use to show that his death has arrived.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee saw nothing about your poem that needed work. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would suggest only a slight tweaking of your syllables-per-line and a playing up of the mythology in the form of metaphors/similies, i.e. "My tunnel was dug as straight as the hunter's belt" or "Each animal sound I heard in the night was Orion making a kill for our feast." These are just rough examples off the top of my head. Lastly, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"In spite of disappointment, the hunger grew
as day after day my search would ensue
until, late one night, as I stared at the skies,
Orion's brave figure captured my eyes."
--I think this is your strongest stanza for conventions. Rhythm, rhyme, and imagery are all excellent! It is also the moment when your story's conflict enters.

"Fate was the hunter and gold was its bait."
--This is a very poetic line and one of my favorites.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me, Ken! You are an excellent poet and I am a huge fan! I will be seeing you again soon!

Regards,
Patrick

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Review of A MANLY THING?  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB Author Icon
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For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
It is quite a trademark you boast with your poetry, to beat a drum and keep a pace and at the same time, tell a joke. This is a clever skill, and I daresay a rare one. This particular off-color beauty is entertaining in the extreme, with an ending (punchline?) that satisfies. Your skill at poetry is only matched by your sense of humor, your wit a convention all its own. This is no longer a review, but a tribute to your skill.

CONVENTIONS:
As with your other poems, your greatest skill is your ability to rhyme a whimsical language that is all your own; it is a wonder the narrator can even "speak" with a tongue pressed so firmly in the cheek. You use irony to great effect to build up your joke and deliver the punchline with pinpoint accuracy. Among your more effective ways of keeping your rhythm natural and precise is your skill at creating dialects, using elision, and syntax inversion. These three in particular give your poem its whimsical and clever sound. Your poetry proceeds from its strong foundation in rhythm and rhyme and then uses the lesser conventions as needed.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found nothing at all wrong with your grammar or spelling.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer no suggestions on how to improve this poem. I think it is complete as it stands. I will, however, offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Hell bent to end their sexist wars,
She lifted skirt and dropped her drawers.
Then arching back she wet the wall;
Whizzed half as high as he was tall."
--This is my favorite stanza by far. It literally sings its chuckle-worthiness!

"Now comes the champ with wicked wand.”
--Great use of clever imagery and alliteration!

"His manly pride just hung exposed.
Nary an inch his pistol hosed."
--I love the pun here about his pride "hung" and "exposed." This is a wonderful use of language!

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me! Your work always either makes me think deeply about an issue or brings a smile to my face, and what more can we ask of our poets?

Regards,
Patrick

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Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flowerv* Greetings, Alexandra Jones Author Icon *Flowerv*


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Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!


*Umbrellav*OVERALL*Umbrellav*
There are many uses for the in-and-out item, not the least of which is its capacity to create community endeavors like this one that are just fun! The campfire creative does this same thing, but it is a bit limiting because of how one person can paralyze the project by not adding an entry or passing his or her turn. This format, however, allows us to add when we want, with the only restriction being that we have to wait until at least one other person posts. This allows us to come and go at our own pace if things come up. I love your topic of the end of the earth; it is exciting and has much potential for some fun and interesting writing. I also like your requirement that every post include the first word of the last post. This gives each post a little unity and centers our ideas. In the next section, I will recommend a couple other ideas that may help us find a plot.

*Umbrellav*AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT*Umbrellav*
Here are a couple suggestions just off the top of my head to help bring it all together into more of a story-arc:

*Notew* Introduce a cast of characters in the item that we must use.
*Notew* Give a basic overview of the specific setting, i.e. urban, rural.

I think using this item is a learning experience for all of us, so here is how I suggest implimenting these suggestions if you choose to: don't alter or change anything that came before. Simply create the new rules and go from there. With your next post, use some of your new characters and allow the next posters to incorporate the setting. Once we are all grounded with the cast and setting, we can really begin to collaborate on the story. Again, don't discard everything that came before. The nature of this type of item is that it is adaptable and fun! I have favorited this item and will continue to participate!

*Hourglass* Time is against me, so I must leave you for now! Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Ali, your talent and creativity are matched only by your growing sense of community, and we are privileged to know you and have you with us here at WDC!

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

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Review of Room at the End  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
When I was new to WDC, I reviewed this poem. My review was skeletal and my rating was entirely too low. I have come a long way since then in my interpretation and appreciation for poetry. When Mandy Author Icon found out I had already reviewed this, she asked if I wanted her to find me another of your poems, but I told her no, that this poem deserved a much better effort than I gave it before.

I feel the longing of the narrator for times gone by, at first a sadness that so much of her life has passed. She is uplifted at the end by the fact that her warmest memory, her husband, is still with her and that they feel young again when together. The tone, at first sad, becomes uplifting. Your poem speaks well to your prompted quotation, and your use of subtle conventions (assonance, alliteration) whisper to a reader with the beauty of falling snowflakes.

CONVENTIONS:
You follow the format for your poem-type flawlessly. Your rhythm is so good that is becomes lyrical. I love your frequent use of assonance, as in: "Write it down, keep track of it now." and "Shake me, wake me up to that now." You also use alliteration to great effect: "Snowing still..." "Lingering life..." and "Ticking clock closes..." It's these conventions more than any other, in my opinion, that makes poetry sound like poetry, and you are a master at it. Another excellent quality of this poem is its imagery for age and time: "Rocking chair...","Ticking clock...","Medicine in a drawer next to the bed", and "...silver hair..."

And lastly, is your prompted use of cold imagery, which gives your poem its poignancy. I think you do justice to the Goldworthy quote you use, proving the sentiment as well as it could possibly be proven. Very well done.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has no suggestions for you. She trusts your skill implicitly.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Icicle tears in a night full of stars,"
--This is such a beautiful phrase to begin your poem. It sets a lyrical, pensive tone, creates your "cold" imagery, and gives the setting. Bravo!

"Passion and laughter, we tumbled to bed.
Magic and music, rocketing stars.
Warmth surrounds me even now."
--A sensual recollection of the first time they made love. With your use of language, here, you show how unforgettable a moment it was for her. I particularly like the imagery of fireworks and blaring music.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I continue to marvel at your skill as a poet and feel privileged to read your work. I look forward to visiting you again, my friend!

Regards,
Patrick

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Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)


This review is part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..


*Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv*
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!
*Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv* *Flowerp* *Flowerv*


*Umbrellav*OVERALL SENSE*Umbrellav*
The question come to us from on high, an age-old inquiry as to the nature of wisdom. Does it, perhaps, come with age? More likely it comes from experience, but aren't they the same thing? Your humorous (and only slightly cantankerous) poem makes one laugh while pondering the serious question above. Although no obvious answer is given to the question that begins it, the poem leaves one with the impression that the prize of wisdom, in the final analysis, is too cluttered with the failing capacity of the body to be much of a trophy.

*Umbrellav*READABILITY*Umbrellav*
This poem is delightfully funny, easy-to-absorb and read, and the inclusion of the definition for "canard" at the bottom was well placed. Although I consider myself to have a decent vocabulary, I would have had to look that one up!

*Umbrellav*CONVENTIONS*Umbrellav*
Your rhythm and rhyme are the jewels in the crown, here. Both are stellar and do not distract, even adding a layer of humor all their own. The use of irony is the most celebrated convention, and the one that lifts the work up to its stellar height.

*Umbrellav*GRAMMAR/SPELLING*Umbrellav*
The Grammar Bee has no complaints with these things. Bravo!

*Umbrellav*AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT*Umbrellav*
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

*Umbrellav*FAVORITE LINE(S)*Umbrellav*
"It turns out that I'm quite a sleuth
predicting weather with my knees."

--Here is the first truly biting use of wit. Hilarious!

"It seems my arms are shorter now
though my eyes still have a glint.
Everything thing I read, somehow,
has become 'fine print.'"

--This is my favorite stanza for rhythm and rhyme. Your rhyme is never forced, and that is always hard to do.

*Hourglass* Time is against me, so I must leave you for now! Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Your clever expression is one I will long remember ... especially after I can no longer see it on my computer screen without changing the font-size to 5!

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

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Review of Symphony of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
A passion-filled ode to a lover, this poem revels in its subject matter, wallowing in desire. For those of us lucky enough to have felt this deep need for another, your poem speaks to us in easy language, absorbed into our soul. We think: "Yes! Exactly! That's exactly how I feel!" Such universal appeal is precisely what poetry should be about. You have touched upon something many of us can relate to, and with that, I was especially moved by it.

CONVENTIONS:
The free verse works well, here. I love the music imagery. You keep to it throughout, adding layer after layer of density. Music, symbolically, suggests being "in tune," and this shades your sentiment with a coloring of extra meaning.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found your grammar and spelling to be fine. She has one suggestion, however, and that is with your use of ellipses. In literary circles, ellipses contain only three periods and never more than that. Consider elimating all but the three periods in each ellipse. Also, there should not be a comma at the end of the next-to-last line.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I borrow something I learned from another member, here, concerning where on the page we place a poem. It struck me as making a lot of sense, and it can help certain expressions. To indent your poem on the left side suggests rigidity, pattern, and stability. Sure, it is a subtle suggestion, but imagine your poem centered. A centered poem "floats" visually, suggesting something altogether different. Emotional odes -- especially to love and desire -- benefit the most from being centered, as there is a slightly different pulse to the rhythm as we read, something less static and more dynamic. This is only a suggestion.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Your words are smooth,
the frequency is clear."
--This is my favorite reference to music, maybe because it is unexpected. It adds a technological spin to it. Instead of drums, strings, and trumpets, we have the radio.
"you have my heart, my love, my fire!"
--This line screams the theme of your work. Those of us who have been lucky enough to feel this for someone else know exactly what you mean, and especially why you put an exclamation point on the end. It also benefits from having alliteration and assonance built it. It literally rolls off the tongue.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I thoroughly enjoyed your poem and look forward to reading more of your poetry.

Regards,
Patrick

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119
119
Review of MAD COW DISEASE?  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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by PatrickB Author Icon
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
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I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
I really enjoyed this excellent poem. I laughed at loud at the end. This is truly an enjoyable read, and I recommend it highly. One thing, however. I was wondering about something. Since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, allow me to phrase my question in the format of your poem:

So much wit and charm does this grand poem hold,
A fearsome plague in town and don't know how!
One question, near the end, begs to be told,
If the man's a pig, is his wife the cow?


Answers to this question can be directed to my email. *ducks*

CONVENTIONS:
This poem has the lyric quality of a limerick. Your great dialect maintains a wonderful rhythm and rhyme scheme. There is a tongue-in-cheek quality to the entire poem that spreads the wit on thick like peanut butter and the irony drips like jelly. The fact that the subject-matter wraps up into a punchline is the best part. The quotes, dialect, idioms, and invectives are the ornaments on the tree!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found nothing at all to complain about here.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I think this poem is as good as it needs to be. I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there if inspiration strikes. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say. I do have one question. Why is the title capitalized? I am not a fan of "all caps," but that is just my personal opinion. Consider asking around to see if others are distracted by this.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"a plague not seen since filthy fleas."
--I love this reference back to the Bubonic plague. Also, the phrase "filthy fleas" is a great use of alliteration.
"From tainted meat not bugs' behinds,"
--Haha! Again, excellent alliteration with "bugs' behinds." Not to mention hilarious!
"When peasants, paupers, Kings and Queens
served modest meals to fancied feasts,
their guests grew tired of rice and beans,
but few dared munch on butchered beasts."
--This is my favorite stanza for rhythm and rhyme. It pours off the tongue and has great imagery! Bravo!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! This poem is lively, witty, funny, ironic, clever, and an excellent example of how poetic conventions can be used to enhance a wonderful joke.

Regards,
Patrick

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120
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB Author Icon “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review: This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a very sad tale of a little boy lost, alone, and frightened. A more depressing scene I cannot imagine. This short piece pulls at the heart-strings in a way that does not fall into the pit of oversentimentality. All one has to do is imagine that in the war-torn regions of the world, there are surely those mentally-disabled children who suffer. If war is terrifying and heartbreaking to a "normal" child, how much more horrible must it be for those who are not even equipped to understand what is happening? The revelation at the end is tear-worthy.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed nothing glaring about your grammar, spelling, or punctuation. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would suggest combing over this short piece and making every single word count. It is fine as it is, but it can always be improved.

There are also two small edits that I would suggest:

"Sheets of metal glowed, illuminating a world of a world of rubble and wreckage."
--There seems to be a doubling typo in this sentence.
"Sidestepping holes and circuiting craters..."
--I am not sure if "circuiting" is effective used as an adjective. Might I suggest "circular" instead?


FAVORITE LINE(S):
"He shivered, yet the night was anything but cold."
--This is a very effective sentence in that it shows the physical effect the violence is having on Corbin.
"It reminded him of the orange light at the end of the sticks the man dangled from his mouth."
--I always love sentences that reinterpret something common as a narrator might see it. This is a great description of how Corbin might see cigararettes. Not to mention that it is a great simile to describe the blast.
"Positioning them with great detail, he received comfort from their symmetry and balance.
--This is my favorite line and the best evidence of your excellent writing talent. There is much truth and believability in this activity by Corbin. He is autistic and would totally distract himself with this type of repetitive and creative mind exercise.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! You have written a piece of quality flash fiction. Bravo!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

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121
121
Review of Forgiveness  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A PatrickB Author Icon “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review: This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Your message to the faithful and your personal journey in the poem are remarkable. You have made many excellent statements concerning your path forgiveness. While this poem is not as perfect as it could be, it is still a winning expression of your own heart and seems to mean a lot to you. Hopefully with the following advice you can make it even better.

CONVENTIONS:
For the most part, your rhythm and rhyme are not bad. The problem with both conventions is a lack of consistency. In poetry, the attempt at consistency and symmetry is best either when it is perfectly rendered or else not attempted at all. If you try to impose rhyme and rhythm on a poem, and fall short, it becomes glaring. You use the scheme AABB in your stanzas, yet you haphazardly mix regular with irregular rhyme. For instance: "...day" and "...way" rhyme perfectly in the last stanza, but "...go" and "sown" rhyme irregularly in the fourth. In fact, out of the twenty couplets you have written, fourteen have regular and six irregular end-rhymes. Unfortunately, this becomes a weakness of form because there does not seem to be a pattern. Your rhythm is not as big of a problem, but the number of syllables it takes to get to the end rhyme are also haphazard. In quality poetry, there is nothing left to chance. Everything about it -- from the words to the form and the conventions -- are important. A weakness in any, weakens the entire poem. Please see below for advice on how to improve your conventions.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed a few instances of improper comma placements. Please visit "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window., all rules, for a discussion on clauses, phrases, and proper comma placement. There are also a couple instances where you fail to end a line with a necessary period.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
First and foremost, keep your wording for the most part. Your poem is really good, your message is worthy, and your phraseology and imagery are top-notch. Weaknesses in rhyme, rhythm, and grammar pull this down, however. First, I would reword your six irregular rhyming couplets (stanzas: 2b, 3b, 4b, 5b, 8a, and 9b). When this is done, consider finding a meter that you can use to adjust the remainder of the poem around. Problematic stanzas include: 5, 6, and 9. Once all this is done, proofread for punctuation, including commas and periods. One thing concerning content. You spend a lot of time talking about your anger, yet you never clue the reader into what was eating you so badly inside. I think this poem would be so much more cleansing for you and effective for us if you work that in somehow.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Then through my anguish, I hear Him again,
His voice coming from outside and in,
Forgiveness my child, just let it all go,
This hate that you feel is killing you slow."
--This is my favorite stanza. It's message and wording is excellent, and it does not have any rhyme or rhythm problems. This should be a model for the rest of your stanzas.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I apologize for being so harsh. I really think you have a great poem here, but your execution needs some work. I would love the opportunity to rerate and review a new version. Please send it along in an email if you wish.

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

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122
122
Review of Monopoly Spies  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A PatrickB Author Icon ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Wow, what a wonderful premise for a novel! I have a history degree and have read heaps concerning World War II, and I had never heard of this before. This was a very enjoyable read in many respects. Great effort!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed a couple things she would like to point out to you. There were a few instances where you have misplaced commas or not placed them where they belong. She recommends taking a look at "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window., specifically Rule #2. Here are also two specific edits:

"A room filled with maps of different Nazi prison camps, small carvings and mementoes saved by so many survivors, Secret Service documents, so censored that it was like reading hieroglyphics before the Rosetta Stone filled out exhibit, with her most honored artifact sitting in the rocking chair, Mr. Sam."
--This sentence is problematic but easily fixed. Here is my recommendation: "The room that filled out the exhibit contained maps of different Nazi prison camps, small carvings and mementoes saved by survivors, and Secret Service documents so censored that it was like reading hieroglyphics before the Rosetta Stone. And Mr. Sam, the most valuable artifact of all, would be seated in a rocking chair in the middle."
“ 'I sure did.' Camille winked and smilled at Sam."
--Typo, here ("smiled")

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This story is literally bursting at the seams for more words. Its truncation is almost a fatal flaw. As it is, the idea is so epic and grand that it cannot possibly be contained effectively as flash fiction. It could work as a short story, certainly, but it would need to be much longer, including Mr. Sam's story of escape. This is a wonderful idea but only the tip of an iceberg. I do so hope you think to extend it. It will take a lot of work, but the idea is a winner!

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"She kept a wonderful diary, filled with details that if the Nazis prevailed, she easily could have been charged with treason."
--Excellent sentence; informative and filled with much characterization. Entries from this diary would also make for a wonderful story in its own right!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! You have an awesome idea here and if you expand, please let me know!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

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123
123
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB Author Icon ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Poe's DaughterOpen in new Window.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is such a wonderful essay and character sketch, told with an attention to detail and a copious amount of love. After reading, I feel as if I know your great grandmother. Learning about a woman so happy and bright renews my faith in humanity. This is someone who learned what few of us ever do: how to enjoy life to the fullest. As a character sketch, you paint an excellent and complete picture of a very unique woman, not only sharing her memory with the rest of us but doing tribute to your own heritage. This is not a story as much as it is a personal essay, and in that format it works and seems complete. I see a place for this in a magazine or in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
This seems to have been very well-edited already. The Grammar Bee found nothing to huff about. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There was one area where I was a bit confused. I knew from the title that she would eventually suffer from senility, but the transition to that point is a bit vague. The first indication that she was not "all there" was the first mention of making a meal for the pope. Maybe just before this sentence, at about the same time you mention her entering the nursing home, you could give the reader a dianosis of her actual condition. I would also say that this is one of those rare pieces that is fine the length it is or else could be enhanced by the addition of even more details.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Claudette never raised her voice, delivered a harsh word or missed a day of church. She baked soft, heavenly loaves of white bread and harbored an addiction to Wilson’s boxed chocolates, which she playfully called “wishes."
--This is superior writing and description, characterization and vocabulary. Every word is perfect.
"Sometimes Claudette would be waiting for you to arrive, anxious to tell you about the meal she was preparing that day for the Pope."
--This is not so much sad as it is humorous; I would daresay that was your intention. This piece seems to celebrate a wonderful woman, who even in her senility lived a better life than most.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I appreciate this glimpse into the life of your beautiful great grandmother. I am sure she was (is?) a remarkable woman!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

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124
124
Review of Beltane  Open in new Window.
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A PatrickB Author Icon ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review: This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.
A PatrickB Author Icon “DEAR FRIEND” Review: This review of your work is my pleasure as I weave my way through your wonderful portfolio and increase our friendship day-by-day.
A PatrickB Author Icon “FAVORITE AUTHOR” Review: This review is of an author’s work I find particularly fascinating and worthwhile.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a well done opening to a beautiful love story. There is mysticism, romance, emotion, sub-plots, and great writing. What else could one want from the beginning of a novel? I highly recommend you continue with this.

STYLE/VOICE:
I continue to be amazed at your raw talent. Your writing voice is one of the best I have ever read. You seem to write effortlessly, the words coming to you easily and without stumbling. In a very short beginning, you have snagged the reader and created a fascinating world of pagan mysticism and subtle fantasy, romance and drama.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee wants to help you with a problem you are having with your commas. She has decided to do a short line-by-line in an effort to remedy this small problem and she would like for you to take the time to study "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window., all rules.

"They begin to slip away from the firelight, No comma here and wander into the depths of the woods, where they will wait to be found."

"I should be slipping a ring out of my pocket right now, No comma here and declaring my undying love for her."

" 'I need some time,' and now I am the one who is pleading."
--This sentence needs an attribution, such as "...he said, and now I am..."

"Tears are flowing freely down her cheeks now, and her voice climbs with panic, “I need you!”
--Consider putting a period after "panic" and beginning a new sentence with the quote.

" I try not to think about how Janelle will feel, No comma here when she wakes up alone."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The grammar revisions, of course, but after that I recomment more, more, more. This would be a great prologue to a story about Keiran's homecoming some time later. This would be a great first chapter to a story if he was setting out into the wider world. Either way, it works.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Spring flowers are wound into the loose tendrils of her raven hair and her feet are bare beneath the hem of her blue dress."
--This is an excellent example of your gift for wonderful, descriptive sentences. Every word is perfect and adds a brushstroke to the picture. Be sure to add a comma between "hair" and "and," though, as that is a conjuction seperating two independent clauses.
"Better, if her last memory of me is bathed in faerie light. "
--This is such a wonderful sentence and sentiment.
"I creep up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist, letting my hands run over the silk fabric covering her stomach. A small sigh escapes her lips, as I trail kisses down the side of her neck. Her mouth searches for mine, and when I feel her melt into my arms, I lay her down on the mossy bank of the stream. Her eyes reflect the glow of the stars, until I kiss her and they flutter closed."
--This is beautiful romance writing!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I am a big fan of your work and will be back soon for another visit! If you expand this, let me know because I want to read it!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

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125
125
Review by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A PatrickB Author Icon ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Wow, what an exciting little read, so full of atmosphere and indelible imagery. I have to admit that your twist got me. I was expecting one thing and got another. I will not discuss this further, for I don't want to ruin it for the next reader. Just let me say that I am quite satisfied I got my money's worth.

POINT OF VIEW:
This is really the device that delivers the story. It is the child-like repetition of phrases and musings that set it apart. I love reading a twist-story and then going back and repainting the entire story with that new knowledge. That is part of the appeal of twists. I mean, everyone who didn't catch it to begin with watched Sixth Sense at least a second time to see the clues laid along the way. I enjoyed doing that with this story as well.

PACING:
This is a perfect example of how flash fiction can succeed on its own merits. The build up is perfect, not a word wasted. You deliver at exactly the right time. No boredom here!

DESCRIPTION:
Again, the repetition of phrases sets the style. The statements about the arguing and the one-sided conversation to "Mr. Moon" really do so many jobs -- setting, action, characterization. This is what a clever author does in flash fiction.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee had no issues jump out at her concerning your grammar. The short, choppy sentence structure, which may detract from a more adult point of view, totally works told from the point of view of a child.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't really have any suggestions for improvement. Nothing is wasted nor added unecessarily.

FAVORITE PASSAGES(S):
"They scare me when there's a full moon. They always chain me in the basement on those nights. Sometimes they hit me, too. They're real scary when Mr.Moon is full."
--Here is your first feignt, your first deflection. I used these as well when I was writing "Penelope's Gambit." How you manipulate the reader in a short story -- especially one with a twist ending -- is the key to the story's success.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I really enjoyed this story!

Regards,
PatrickB Author Icon
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

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