Im sure there are quite a few people on WDC that will empathise with your love of books. Like you I read from an early age and will continue to do so, for reasons that change,for the rest of my life.
I appreciated the way you provided insight into what attracted you to certain authors and in your changing motivation for reading.
As for your own book? That will come to you and when it does it will seem to be so obvious. I'm guessing it's going to be historical fiction.
I was very surprised to come across an advert for your services in a place which is effectively asking for a review of your advert. on giving in some thought I could only conclude that you seem to be manipulating the system in order to draw attention to your business, which leads one to suspect you're trying to avoid paying to advertise. I hope I'm incorrect.
You have the start of a really great story here but one that needs a bit of work.
My feeling is that you overwrite and your story would be more gripping if you tried to write more consicsely for intstance, given that Terry has just lit his torch do we need to be told "the only light being the light from the torch" - is that something we could assume? I just say this because I think it'd make the story flow better.
My other thought is that Terry is not alone, but his friends are more shadowy that the figures that appear to him. They have no role at all. Couuld you use them more? Dialogue would allow you to 'Show not tell'.
I really do believe the story is worth working on and that you've got the talent to take it further.
I began this story thinking what a great idea but quickly got disappointed as I realised that the end result would be that all physical contact would have a value. But then again, if money is replaced by hugs, what would hugs be replaced by?
What I enjoyed most about this was the questions it left me with. Would this work as a longer story? How would money markets and international relationships work? Paying over the internet for my groceries would be a challange. But I think that's a sign of a good story; it begs you to think more about it.
Of course, as a reviewer, I should comment on tedious issues like grammar etc but can't find anything to say. Looks good to me.
Thank you for writing this. I found it very helpful. You clarify the three steps necessary for an epiphany to take place so clearly.
I particularly agreed when you wrote about reaching the moment of epiphany at the same times as your character. To me that is so true - though I hadnt ever thought of that in words before - it just happened.
I hadn't every considered whether every story should have such a moment, they certainly do in the style i right, but I'd never thought about what it meant not to have one. Your explanation that the character hasn't been challanged sufficiently is excellant.
I love this 'contest' and I do see it like that. A contest against myself. It seems to simple to enter but it demands that you make a realistic assessment of what you can really do in the five working days. No point aiming too high just to fail and pointless aiming so low you're bound to complete week after week.
The competition 'rules' are easy to follow and the prizes are well worth getting yourself organised for.
An interesting,well-written piece. The fight scene is very well written. However we aren't told why the bishop wants Marcus brought it, or what he intends to do with him and as such the piece feels like it was lifted from a longer story. Would you consider adding in even a few words to set the scene?
An interesting review of a book that is new to me. I like the way you explain your interest in the book as a potential addition to your dream course.
The majority of the short piece is well written with some sentances that really grip and leave your readers begging for an explanation. e.g.
'There are certain stores I will be hesitant to shop in ever again, I am ready to throw out my technology for the love of paper and ink, and that bouncy, yellow smiley face will never have the same happy feeling.'
However there are one or two sentances that I can't get my head around and which, perhaps, would benefit from rewording.e.g.
'Gorman tackles standardized testing, teaching to the test, other current issues in this book, and even validates a copy of the Bard's collected works in every household.'
All in all it's a good review that has certainly convinced me that the book is worth a read and i'll be looking out for it next time I'm shopping.
Interesting article. It's clearly and logically structured. It would have helped me if you'd said what the baseball cards were used for; private reflection on the workers own strengths and weaknessess or something for others to judge us by.
The idea of unwarrented use of the system to extract revenge is spot on but i think it would go further than that, with friends grouping together to promote each other and put down potential rivals.
You've managed to get a lot of action into 100 words - well done. It might be useful to tighten up some of the writing to give yourself a little space for some description. You may also want to review your punctuation.
Are you planning to make this into a longer piece? I think it would work well and give the reader a clearer picture of what is going on.
Good luck with your writing
A lovely story. That kept getting me by suprise and wanting me to know more about Casper. Andrea portrayed the right mix of hard-core professional and worried mother. Casper's character was less developed, but I guess that was delilerate, as knowing anything more substantial about him would have given the game away too early.
The settings were accurate but I was a bit confused at the start as I assumed Casper was standing in his own office and wondered why Adrea walked in. Perhaps he should wait in the reception area? But that's just a small, picky point.
Good luck with the book. I look forward to reading more.
1.Is there enough tension/angst in the first few paragraphs? I think there is but I feel that some people might not read on far because they fear its going to be a straightforward, mushy love story. Mills & Boons style (sorry that might not mean much to you unless your British)
2.How's the general dialogue between the characters? In general it's really good but in a couple of places e.g. when they meet Mike, it could do with some more work.
3.Is the car accident any good? This needs work, not because of any shortcomings in your writing but two people being hit by a car doesn't result in a "deafing explosion" with "chunks of burning metal" being thrown into the air. It's more like a sick thud. It's actually hard to get a car to explode. Perhaps you could rethink this bit
4.Are the last few paragraphs any good or overly detailed? i think they read really well.
Both the characters are well develped and the plot develops well. I think overall it could be tightened up a bit but it's a great story and I look forward to the 2nd half.
Great job
I only found this discussion group today and what a find it is. I've been trawling through pages of questions and answers and discovering all sorts of things both about writing.com and about writing in general.
As the description says this is part of an idea so, in many ways, it's hard to comment on. What I have in front of me is excellent but of course begs questions.
I think there are a few places where cutting out a word or two would keep the pace more consistent.
I look forward to seeing the next bit.
A really fast paced story, which we know isn't going to end well simply because of the title.
You've done a great job with first person narrative, and in developing and escalating the drama.
The way you write the chase is excellant. It seems really touch and go whether he's going to make it or not.
My main issues with the plot are:
1. What the heck was he was doing out with $400 in the middle of the night when he was fully aware of the danger he was putting himself in?
2. How come he had $400 when he was the "poorest of the poor"?
3. Why did he jump to his death? It seemed so out of character.
I think these points need to be explained a bit more to make the story feel consistent.
In terms of technique, the lack of paragraphs makes it really difficult to read and you may also want to review your use of commas (something I'm not great with either!)
Please don't feel that I'm being overcritical or picky. I wouldn't take the time to review this piece if I didn't think it had great potential. A little tightening up and you'll have a winner.
I'm glad this is a prologue, meaning there's more to come. I really do look forward to reading more.
If I understand correctly that this is an adult recalling in a dream something that happened to her as a child – hence, for instance, the reference to her "small chest".
The child goes to play Shogi with a woman she is unable to see. This woman had previously set her a riddle, which she had now solved. However the child is so shocked to discover the outcome, that she wakes herself from her dream.
The child’s character is well described. We see a small child, who is somewhat in awe of this unseen woman but who is willing to take her on both at Shogi and in solving the challange of her riddle. We can see the child is also looking for approval and seems disappointed at the lack of response from the woman.
Our first encounter with the woman is when we are told that she usually plays defensively and we are left with the impression that perhaps she is timid. This is later challenged by the shocking picture revealed when the riddle is solved. But, still we are left in doubt as to her role in the carnage.
I have very few comments to make, all of them minor.
I think the opening sentence needs to be revised.
“A steel door twice my height stood before me as I took in a deep breath.
Opening the door, I peeked inside”.
I suggest (and it is only a suggestion) ”A steel door, twice my height stood before me. I took a deep breath as I opened the door and peeked inside”.
The setting is well described, although I think your description could be less staccato. I loved the idea of the picture changing daily but I’d suggest you lose the ”of” in “myriad of bright colours”.
"Her lemon coloured sleeveless dress, looked dirty, as if she wiped the red liquid from her hands onto her dress." repeats dress - as I said trivial points but I thought worth mentioning.
Good luck with the next part – as I said, I am definitely going to be reading it.
I think this piece shows great promise but needs a bit of polishing.
My advice would be to go through it and work out what doesn't need to be there. For instance " There are all kinds of different TV shows or movies you could watch for your marathon" this is true but I guess everyone knows that. As this is about anime I'd cut out that sentance and the short list of shows you mention after and start with "Let's be clear.." I think it'll give it more punch.
Did you realise you say marathon six times in the first paragraphy? Definitely need to find another word :)
I love the ideas you come up with about who to watch with, clothing, the importance of the pause button and even the after-marathon cool down in a cafe.
Where would you see it published? In an anime magazine? Perhaps you could do a broader version for general film publications, to increase your readership.
I do think this is worth working on, it just needs to be a bit snappier. Good luck with it
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I really do look forward to reading more.